TMB wants to know

It's Come to This: Gopher Radio Network Giving Away Radios So Someone Will Listen to Dave Lee

In what can only be labeled a sign of declining revenue due to sagging ratings, the Gopher Radio Network, a division of Learfield Sports, sent an e-mail to Gopher football season ticket holders Thursday, offering a free Live Sports Radio for Minnesota's final home game this Saturday against South Dakota State. Reports out of Plano, Texas, the home of Learfield Sports, indicate that the free radio offer is an attempt to woo back listeners to the Gopher Radio Network who have grown disillusioned since Dave Lee became the team's play-by-play voice in 2002.

"I'll be honest with you. I find Dave Lee as unlistenable as the next guy," Stan Koenigsfeld, Learfield Sports Executive Vice President for the Heartland Region, said. "But apparently he's the best play-by-play guy the people at the Gopher Radio Network can come up with. I must admit, it doesn't say much for the radio talent in the Twin Cities, but at least now, with this great offer from the folks at Live Sports Radio, people won't have to pay to listen to him during the game."

Ironically, over the past eight seasons, countless Minnesota football fans have uttered the words, "You couldn't pay me to listen to Dave Lee call Gopher football." Those fans have now been proven somewhat prophetic, thanks to this free radio offer.

The Live Sports Radios were previously available for purchase at home football games for $20 each. According to documents obtained by Mr. Heavyfoot, the Gopher Radio Network and Live Sports Radio pushed for this offer after discovering a ridiculous surplus of Minnesota-branded radios in a Mariucci Arena supply room.

"We don't really want to offer free radios to our season ticket holders, but our hands are tied on this one," a Gopher Radio Network staffer said on condition of anonymity as they were not authorized to speak to members of the media. "We have so damned many of these radios it's not even funny. But look at it this way. Here's your chance to listen to Dave Lee and those other two guys live and free from your seat at TCF Bank Stadium. Never mind that Dave Lee is the worst play-by-play guy in the history of sports. It's free! Never mind that listening to Dave Lee call the game, with NO DELAY mind you, may make it impossible for you to actually follow what's happening on the field. It's free! Did I mention it's free?"

Ratings for Gopher football on the radio have been declining ever since Lee took over the play-by-play duties from the legendary Ray Christensen, the voice of Golden Gopher football and men's basketball from 1951-2001. Lee may be perhaps best known for his complete and utter inability to describe what is happening on the field in crucial moments, from the infamous "Touchdown Ellerson!" call against Northwestern in 2003, to the thoroughly confusing botched punt call against Wisconsin in 2005, to the "...throw across the middle...It's caught!...The Gophers have it!...Touchdown Gophers!" call in describing the game-clinching 59-yard touchdown on a wild deflection from Nick Tow-Arnett to Duane Bennett in Minnesota's 42-34 win over Michigan State on Oct. 31, 2009.

The Gopher Radio Network did see a huge spike in ratings early in the second half of Minnesota's home-opening game against Air Force on Sept. 12, leading some to believe that radio listeners were willing to give Lee another shot. Unfortunately for Lee and Learfield Sports, that wasn't the case.

"Our ratings went through the roof during the Gophers' first offensive series in the second half against Air Force," the anonymous Gopher Radio Network staffer said. "We were ecstatic. We thought with the excitement of the new stadium and the new season, our fans listening to the game on the radio were giving us another chance to win them back. Turns out they were just tuning in to hear Ray Christensen again. After that series, our ratings went back down to where they've been since 2002. What does it say about our current radio situation that people would rather listen to an 82-year-old man than Dave Lee? Don't answer that."

In related news, reports out of Plano indicate that the executives at Learfield Sports are pushing the Gopher Radio Network management to dump Lee in favor of this guy:

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 8 Smart Money Picks

The Professor's sabbatical continues this week, resulting in another edition of The Professor's Abridged Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen.

MINNESOTA -15.5 South Dakota State
I don't want to do it, but I must pick the Gophers over a FCS team. Plus, the unintentional comedy provided by a Brewster-led team is enough reason to pull for the Maroon and Gold and another season of Brewster-ball. Plus-plus, everybody is saying Brewster doesn't have a signature win. This would qualify, wouldn't it? Oh, it wouldn't?

PENN STATE -25 Indiana
I trusted the Nittany Keisers against Ohio State and they failed to show up...at home. Where's the respect for the Hoosiers? Right here with The Professor's endorsement, that's where.

ILLINOIS -4.5 Northwestern
Speaking of respect, can someone explain this line to me? Illinois beats a pair of mediocre to bad teams in Michigan and Minnesota. Meanwhile, Northwestern pulls the upset of the year in the Big Ten. And Illinois is a 4.5 favorite? I don't get it.

WISCONSIN -8.5 Michigan
I really can't believe I'm doing this, but...you hear that sound? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! It's The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University! I've always said it needs to be a special situation for me to pick Bucky. Well, this is it. Meeeechigan is flat-out bad and, sadly, Wisconsin is actually on its way to a 10-2 season. But now The Professor has a conundrum. Does he cheer with his heart and still pull for Michigan? Or does he cheer for Wisconsin to stay atop the Pick 'Em Corner Lock of the Week standings? For the record, I'll be cheering for the lock, not the Badgers...if that makes any sense.

Michigan State -2.5 PURDUE
I hemmed and hawed with this one, but in the end decided that Sparty would kick Purdue Pete's ass in a fight (as long as Pete wasn't allowed to use his sledgehammer) to the tune of three points or more.

NAVY -17 Delaware (Rotel Armed Services Game)
Anchors aweigh, my boy, anchors aweigh!

Nebraska -4.5 KANSAS
It's The Host's Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game.

OHIO STATE -16.5 Iowa
I know Iowa is decimated with injuries and I know Ohio State looked pretty darn good last week against Penn State, but I just can't see the still very formidable Hawkeye defense letting the Buckeyes pull away by 17 points or more.

CALIFORNIA -3 Arizona
Stay far, far away from this game...or any game in the muddled Pac-10 for that matter. I'm taking Arizona because Mark May on College Football Live just told me how much of a pleasant surprise they've been this season. I don't care much for Mark May, but I don't care much for this game either. Mark May, don't let me down.

USC -10.5 Stanford
I'm done picking against the Cardinal. Plus, the Stanford band is so much more entertaining than the USC band, which seems to know only two songs.

Alabama -12.5 MISSISSIPPI STATE (Butterball Roll Tide Turkey Game)
I take a week off from picking the Tide and I get screwed. Forgive me, Almighty Saban, for I have sinned. ROLL! TIDE! TURKEY!

GEORGIA -4 Auburn
[Analysis redacted.]

Miami (FL) -3 NORTH CAROLINA
Any time at Pick 'Em Corner that you have a chance to take Steve Stellar's favorite club (sorry, Towson), you do it.

OKLAHOMA ST. -4 Texas Tech
It's a game between a pair of teams that are nowhere near as good as they were last year. That being said, Texas Tech 2009 has fallen farther from their 2008 level than Oklahoma State 2009 has.

PITTSBURGH -7 Notre Dame
Tale of the tape time:
Mustache vs. Gut.....Advantage 'stache

Thus concludes The Professor's Abridged Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen.

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 7 Smart Money Picks

The Professor is on sabbatical this week from providing full breakdowns. My sincerest apologies to all of The Professor's Pupils. Keep in mind these picks are being made under the influence of Grain Belt Premium.

Wisconsin -10.5 INDIANA
I thrive when picking the Hoosiers and can't handle picking the Badgers.

MICHIGAN STATE -20 Western Michigan
MSU isn't as bad as their loss to Minnesota last week makes it seem.

MICHIGAN -6 Purdue
No team that loses to Ron Zook is worthy of being picked the week after.

MINNESOTA -6.5 Illinois
No team that is coached by Ron Zook is worthy of being picked, regardless of last week's result.

IOWA -16.5 Northwestern
The blonde on the couch across from me likes the Wildcats.

MIAMI (FL) -13.5 Virginia (The Geller Game)
The Ron Zook Corellate also apples to Al Groh.

Kansas -2.5 KANSAS STATE
Good KU offense overcomes bad KU defense by 2.5 points or more.

NOTRE DAME -11 Navy (Rotel Aremed Services Game)
Anchors aweigh!

PENN STATE -3.5 Ohio State
Love the Nittany Keisers in this one.

ALABAMA -7.5 lsu (Butterball Roll Tide Turkey Game)
Two bad offenses means 7.5 points are just too much.

Oregon -6.5 STANFORD
Consider this The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, presented by National American University. Vegas is just trying to give money away here.

FLORIDA -35 Vanderbilt (The I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Big Spread Game)
Only because it's a whole lot more fun cheering against Florida than it it to cheer for them.

CINCINNATI -16.5 uconn
My Reno, NV insider likes the Huskies (I'm not kidding. I really have a Reno insider.)

Oklahoma -5 NEBRASKA
I saw some of that ISU-NU game. That's enough for me to pick the Sooners.

usc -10 ARIZONA STATE
Ever seen an angry Spartan?

Thus concludes The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by the City of Chanhassen.

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 6 Smart Money Picks

Why The Professor just picks games and doesn't actually throw money down is beyond me. Week in and week out (minus week 1), The Professor's Smart Money Picks just make money for his fans, The Professor's Pupils. The moola that I could have made during last season's Pick 'Em Corner championship run and this season's follow-up is mind-boggling. But, alas, The Professor is alll about his students and not about cashing in.

Speaking of cashing in, last week I announced that the lock of the week in under a new sponsor and will heretofore be referred to as "The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University." I'm sure the Pick 'Em Corner panel was just salivating at the chance to shoot down the new sponsorship with a Professor loss (especially after bucking the trend with a Georgia Tech lock), but it wasn't to be. In case anybody out there needs a reminder, The Professor is 5-0 on his locks.

The Professor has tooted his horn enough. It's time for The Professor's Smart Money Picks, East Coast Bias edition.

West Virginia -3 SOUTH FLORIDA
East Coast Bias Week opens with a thud with a game only the residents of Morganville and Tampa care about. As The Professor knows little about the Big East, I talked to easily the most famous Mountaineer alum of all time...Todd Sauerbrun. He told me that this game features teams going in different directions. West Virginia is still in the hunt to challenge Cincy and Pitt for the Big East title, while USF is basically giving up. Sauerbrun also told me that that Denver taxi driver had it coming when he assaulted him outside a restaurant.


Cincinnati -14.5 SYRACUSE
East Coast Bias Week continues, I guess. Sheesh. Someone needs to remind Pick 'Em Corner panelists Steve Stellar and The Cornerman that this show is only aired in Big Ten country (though not available in State College, Pa.). For reasons unknown, The Professor has been real high on Cincy this season and that's not about to stop now. In fact, you hear that sound? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! It's The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University! This one makes me a little nervous as the Orange sports a quirky little offense, but the Bearcats are more than two TDs better than Syracuse, regardless of who plays QB. This pick was confrimed by Abe Bookman, Cincy alum and inventor of the Magic 8-Ball, when he said, "You may rely on it." Like the previous five Professor Locks of the Week, you too may rely on it.


NAVY -7 Temple
As part of the sponsorship agreement, The Professor's pick in the The Professor’s Service Academy Game of the Week, presented by Armed Forces Network will always be the service academy. We all know and love this. However, in the interest of full disclosure, I feel the need to let The Professor's Pupils know that I am 1-3-1 in the Service Academy Game of the Week. Consider yourself warned. Without further ado:

Anchors aweigh, my boy, anchors aweigh!


WISCONSIN -6.5 Purdue
The Pick 'Em Corner viewers can finally breathe a sigh of relief as East Coast Bias Week takes a short break and we hit our bread-and-butter with mediocre Big Ten games. Followers of The Professor know that it needs to be a special situation for me to pick the BADgers as my hate and loathing for Bucky is well documented. Special situation, this game is not. I talked to Wisconsin QB Scott Tolzien for this game and, boy, was he happy that someone was finally paying attention to him after getting snubbed for high five after high five two weeks ago in the loss to Ohio State. After giving me a high five, Tolzien told me that Wisconsin is a team divided between those who like Bielema and those who think he's a complete tool. Hmmm, sounds like how Gopher Nation feels about their esteemed leader. Anyway, Wisconsin should win this game based solely on playing at home, but Purdue is better coached and will find a way to keep this one close. High five.


IOWA -17.5 Indiana
Strange as it may seem, this is a tough one to pick. Straight up, it's a no-brainer. Take the Hawks. But 17.5 points is an awful lot to give a plucky Hoosier squad. Here's the thing: last week's Indiana loss to Northwestern is a game that will stick with the Hoosiers for some time. If Indiana were playing Minnesota this week, I'd give IU a chance for a bounce-back, but they're up against undefeated Iowa who is somehow fourth in the BCS standings. I don't know how the BCS works exactly, but blowing out teams like Indiana can't hurt. To confirm my pick, I talked to injured Hawkeye back Adam Robinson. He told me that losing him won't mean a thing as he's as anonymous as the next Iowa running back. Whether it's Robinson, Paki O'Meara or autoMATTic at tailback, Iowa cruises in this one.


BOSTON COLLEGE -4 Central Michigan
Did you enjoy our brief soiree into Big Ten country? I hope so, because East Coast Bias Week is back in full effect with this game. A plea to The Host: NEVER GIVE UP THE CHOOSING OF GAMES AGAIN TO CORNERMAN AND STEVE STELLAR!. Thank you. Now on to this game. I wasn't sure who to go with here, so I talked to sports media legend Dick Enberg, a CMU alum. He told me that he personally witnessed the fighting ability of the Chippewas when they fought with the British in the War of 1812. I thought Dick was falling into another bout with senility, but upon further research on Wikipedia, it appears Enberg actually is 207 years old, so he does know what he's talking about. What? You say I'm making a mockery of Pick 'Em Corner? No. I say, the mockery of Pick 'Em Corner was made when we were forced to pick games that involved all these irrelevant East Coast teams. So there.


Florida -16 Georgia (at Jacksonville)
It's the Underwhelming Bowl. You're probably asking how a game involving the No. 1 team in the nation, Tim Tebow, Uga MCMXII and a Cocktail Party can be considered underwhelming. I'll tell you how. The No. 1 team in the nation, Florida, is undefeated, yes, but has been underwhelming in how they got there. Tim Tebow is still The Chosen One, yes, but his performance has been underwhelming in his swan song in Gainesville. Georgia, meanwhile, has been underwhelming in pretty much every aspect of the game, to the tune of a 4-3 record. Uga MCMXII has not been underwhelming, so my apologies to him (her?). Anyway, this week is all about Florida. This is their chance to prove they belong on the top. This is Tebow's chance to distance himself in the Heisman race. Sixteen points is an awful lot in a rivalry game like this, but Florida has plum run out of excuses and will assert their dominance on a team they love to hate.


Miami -7 WAKE FOREST
Speaking of a team The Professor loves to hate, it's Miami. Still, I'm glad Steve Stellar finally gets to pick a game which features one of his squads. That's as much breakdown as you'll be getting out of me. I'm tired of East Coast Bias Week.


Michigan -8.5 ILLINOIS
As it appears that The Professor is now Pick 'Em Corner's marketing director, given all the sponsors I've procured, I've signed Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus to be the sponsor for this and all future games involving Illinois. This agreement will continue in perpetuity until Ron Zook is fired as head coach of the Illini. Until then, on with the clown show that is Illinois football. The reason for the sponsorship is simple: When gamblers bet against the Illini, they win. It's a proven fact. To wit: In the four Pick 'Em Corner games involving Illinois this season, gamblers who went with the Illini's opponent are 3-0-1. Do I really need to break this game down any further? No. I don't.


OHIO STATE -39.5 New Mexico State
Lightning round time. Ohio State seems back on track and I know nothing about the Wolfpack, but 39.5 points is a ton.


Penn State -13.5 NORTHWESTERN
I talked to Admiral Akbar for this game and he told me what he always tells me: "It's a trap!" Thanks, Admiral, but you haven't been relevant for a long, long time in a galaxy far, far away. Yes, I know this game for PSU is sandwiched between Michigan and Ohio State. And yes, I know Northwestern is feeling good about themselves after the comeback win over Indiana. But, c'mon. Northwestern has reached their "just hold on until we play Illinois and Wisconsin" stretch of games with back-to-back tilts against PSU and Iowa. The 'Cats are just praying to get through the next two games alive to give themselves a chance at the Pizza Pizza Bowl. The Nits, meanwhile, are firing on all cylinders. In fact, Penn State has allowed just 13 points in their last three games. If I didn't go out on a limb and pick Cincy for my lock, this would be it. Take the Fighting Keisers.


Michigan State -6 MINNESOTA
Wow does it suck to be a Gopher fan sometimes. I, of course, want the team to win every game and be relevant on the conference and national stage. Now, being a Gopher fan, I know this won't likely happen in my lifetime, save for a lightning in a bottle type of season. On the other hand, I want nothing more than to get rid of Tim Brewster. I have never NEVER been a fan of this snake oil salesman (that's old-timey for used car salesman). For that reason, I want the Gophers to lose the remainder of their games to become even more irrelevant on the conference and national stage. Sadly, this is far more likely to happen than the above scenario. On another hand, there are only a handful of coaches (Bielema, I'm looking at you) that provide the unintentional comedy that Brewster does week in and week out. What to do? Look at history, that's what. History has told me that Tim Brewster has never NEVER won a game in which he's supposed to win. This is one of those games. So I guess that means I'm cheering for the Goof Troop to lose the rest of their games. Unintentional comedy, I'll miss you (unless we hire John L. Smith).


Texas -9 OKLAHOMA STATE
The Professor is getting tired, so it's time for three lightning round games to wrap it up. OSU is missing too much and Texas is hitting its stride. Hook 'em Horns.


USC -3.5 OREGON
The Professor is a perfect 3-0 when picking the Ducks. The Professor is 0-1 when picking against the Ducks. The Professor is 1-2 when picking the Trojans. The Professor is 1-0 when picking against the Trojans. That all adds up to The Professor picking the Ducks and picking against the Trojans.


NOTRE DAME -30 Washington State
I thought for sure East Coast Bias Week was going to rear it's ugly head again and we'd be picking Rutgers-UConn or Georgetown-Old Dominion.

Thus concludes The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by the City of Chanhassen.

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 5 Smart Money Picks

Kudos must go to The Host. After several "down" years, he's finally proving himself worthy of being the host of everyone's second-favorite sports-related show (just behind Hondo's House). Methinks it won't last, but let him enjoy it while it does.

Meanwhile, it's probably time to rethink the sponsorship of the Lock of the Week. While MasterLock has been a long-time supporter of Pick 'Em Corner, it's time for the weekly feature to pay homage to the lone panelist on the show to make his fans gobs and gobs of cash based solely on his performance on locks of the week. Other panelists will show you their gaudy overall record, but not many bettors out there aren't willing nor able to throw down money on every game in hopes of turning a profit. The Professor's Pupils (the official fan club of The Professor), meanwhile, just wait for their mentor's lock of the week and throw everything on that particular game. For this reason, the lock of the week will heretofore be referred to as "The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University."

On to this week's slate of games. Sit up class, open your notebooks and sharpen your pencils. It's time for The Professor's Smart Money Picks.

FAVORITE SPREAD UNDERDOG (Professor's picks in bold)
NORTHWESTERN -5.5 Indiana
We start off with a bowl game elimination contest because, let's face it, the loser of this game will fall to 4-4 and have little to no shot at getting to seven wins. But who cares? What you're all waiting to hear is who I talked to about this game. Well, it's time to make amends with everybody's favorite Big Ten Network analyst. No, not Charissa Thompson. Gerry DiNardo! Last week, I poked a little fun at the Nard Dog and according to BTN insider KCKCKCK, he was none too pleased. To make it up to Gerry, I gave him a chance to provide his breakdown of the NU-IU game. He told me the spead of 5.5 points is just a little too much for a game that features two very evenly-matched teams at nearly every position. He likes the Hoosiers to win, but I ignored that after reminding myself that DiNardo never won more than three games while in Bloomington. I, therefore, like the Wildcats to win in Evanston, but only by a field goal. Thanks Gerry and say hi to KCKCKCK for The Professor.

OHIO STATE -17 Minnesota
The Professor is breaking out the big guns this week. First, Gerry DiNardo and now this game's guest analyst, LeBron James. Why LeBron? Well, he's here to provide us with insight into embattled QB Terrelle "the Terrible" Pryor. LeBron told me that Pryor and the entire OSU program has gone into the "us against the world" mentality that the squad used prior to the USC game. The tactic almost worked against a powerful Trojan squad and if it can almost beat a top tier team like USC, it will certainly work wonders against the Brew Crew. LeBron also told me that if OSU doesn't win, he advised Pryor to just walk off the field without shaking anybody's hand and blow off all media responsibilities. Thanks, LeBron. Here's the thing. Minnesota is basically the epitome of mediocre. The offense is putrid, while the defense is decent. The coach is clueless, while the players actually have talent. Ohio State, meanwhile, has an offense waiting to break out, a top shelf defense and a proven winner as coach. That all adds up to a Buckeye win by at three TDs.

PITTSBURGH -6.5 South Florida
Larry Fitzgerald, Sr. gave me great analysis last week, so this week The Professor is turning to his son. When he's not doing IHOP commercials, Larry Jr. is a great football mind. Clearly, the football acumen started and finished with Junior. Sorry, Marcus. Junior told me that Pitt is the real deal this year and how can I argue with him after watching Dion Lewis run roughshod over Rutgers last week. That being said, Lewis was a one-man team last week and USF brings a standout D-line and crazy-fast athletes all over the field. Pittsburgh will win this game, but like the NU-IU tilt, these teams are too evenly matched for this spread.

Georgia Tech -5.5 VIRGINIA
You hear that sound? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! It's The MasterLock Triple Strong Lock of the Week The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University! All season long, I’ve been a Ramblin’ Wreck denier. I just couldn’t bring myself to believe that the offense that Tech runs could be successful week in and week out. Well, to quote The Monkees, “Then I saw her face, now I'm a believer.” My fellow colleagues may point to Virginia’s undefeated record in the ACC this season, but who have they played? Nobody. They may point to the Cavalier defense as one that might be able to shut down the Jackets’ attack. But who have they shut down this season? Indiana? Puh-leeeeze. Sing it with me, Host. The Ramblin’ Wreck of Georgia Tech. A hell of an engineer…

PURDUE -10 Illinois
Just about all of us were caught blindsided by Purdue's resounding win over Ohio State last week, The Professor included. We all stopped believing that Purdue was the best 1-5 team in the nation and were dumbfounded when they walked all over the Bucks. Now, some of the experts will say that after last week, the upset alert is on the Boilers as a talented, albeit underachieving Illinois squad comes to town. They’ll say that the hangover from the OSU win may be enough for the Illini to get back on track. But I talked to Lee Corso this week and he said, “Not so fast, my friends.” That’s right, Lee. What all these so-called experts (© Sid Hartman) are forgetting is that this Illinois team, although talented, is a joke and it starts at the top. The Ron Zook Farewell Tour hits West Lafayette this week and if the Illini faithful are lucky, the Purdue locomotive will foreshadow the railroading that Zook and his clownshow will get at the end of the season. Boiler Up!

NAVY -3 Wake Forest
Just like the Lock of the Week, The Professor has procured a new sponsorship for the weekly game involving a service academy. From now on, this game will be referred to as “The Professor’s Service Academy Game of the Week, presented by Armed Forces Network.” As part of the agreement with AFN, I’m required to pick the service academy, regardless of the matchup and spread, as well as sing the school’s song. Sounds like what I was doing already, so without further ado:

Anchors aweigh, my boy, anchors aweigh!

Penn State -4.5 MICHIGAN
The Professor turned to Cornerman confidant LFK this week once again. She told me that she just donated next month’s mortgage payment to the Paterno Library after reading about JoePa in Sports Illustrated, much to Cornerman’s dismay. Admittedly, LFK is nuts, but she also gave me a good analysis about this game. She told me this tilt is all about matchups. Here’s her rundown:

PSU offense vs. MICH defense……………….advantage PUSH
MICH offense vs. PSU defense……………….advantage PSU
Quarterback play………………………………advantage PUSH
Running back play…………………………….advantage PSU
Intangibles…………………………………….advantage MICH
Coach’s morals………………………………..advantage PSU

The Professor knows math and that all adds up to a Penn State win by five or more. Cue Nittany Lion roar (as performed by LFK) here.

Oklahoma -7.5 KANSAS
Intriguing game in the Big 12 this week with storylines centering around the fall of Sam Bradford. This is a turning point game for both squads with OU seeing its season slipping away and KU ready to emerge on the national stage. It’s really difficult to pick against the pedigree of the Sooners in this one, but there’s too much negativity surrounding the OU program right now to ignore. Bradford is done, the loss to Texas is going to sting for awhile and Kansas brings an entirely different look than the Longhorns. The Professor smells an upset a brewin’.

Oregon -10 WASHINGTON
Love the environs at Husky stadium with the tailgating on the lake and such. That’s all The Professor loves about Washington in this game. Is this a trap game or am I just missing something? Is Jake Locker really that good to overcome the Huskies’ woeful defense? UW lost to a pedestrian Arizona State team last week and now we’re supposed to expect them to hang with the Ducks? I just don’t get it. in the words of Admiral Akbar, “It’s a trap!”, but It still feels like Vegas is trying to give you money here, so go with the Tigers.

ALABAMA -14 Tennessee
In The Professor’s book (due out in November from the University of Minnesota Press), Alabama is the best damn team in all the land. The Tide defense is somewhere between unstoppable force and immovable object. Meanwhile, Tennessee just got their big win of the season. Lane Kiffin has been strutting around Knoxville, thinking he’s got the Vols back where they belong, but it’s clear he’s just another coach with a hot wife. Nick Saban, though hate-able in his own way, may be the best coach in the nation with an average-looking wife. When it comes right down to it, great coach with mediocre wife always beats so-so coach with hot wife by two TDs or more.

MICHIGAN STATE -1 Iowa
Whenever The Professor doesn’t know what to do with an Iowa game, he talks to one of two former Hawkeye coaches – Dr. Tom Davis or Hayden Fry. Well, this week, I talked to them both. How’s that for a hard-hitting week of guest analysts? Both Davis and Fry are as confused as the rest of the nation at the Hawkeyes’ performance this season, but they both chalked that up to senility. They’re mystified by the play of Ricky Stanzi, perplexed by the success of the no-name running backs, baffled by the defense’s ability to create turnovers and flummoxed by e-mail, Facebook and the interwebs. Well, join the club, guys (except for the last part). All that being said, why bet against Iowa now? In fact, why aren’t they favored? What gives? Take the Hawkeyes and remain as dazed and confused as Davis and Fry.

Texas Christian -2.5 BYU
Lightning round time. Never trust a coach with the first name Bronko.

LSU -7.5 Auburn
Stay far, far away from this game. LSU isn’t as good as the experts once thought and Auburn is a mystery wrapped in a riddle, enshrouded by an enigma. Both the LSU offense and Auburn defense rank in the “meh” category. Meanwhile, the LSU defense is good, while the Auburn offense is streaky. All this adds up to absolutely nothing, so I’ll just side with the bookmakers in Vegas. I beg of you, save your money and throw it on The Professor’s Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University.

USC -20.5 Oregon State
Revenge is always worth three touchdowns or more. Need I say more? Ok, revenge is a dish best served cold and a chilly reception awaits the Beavers in Troy this week. Like Stanford and Oregon last season, and Washington next season, Oregon State is going to take a whipping at the hands of the Trojans this week. What do I mean? OK, in 2007, the Cardinal and Ducks beat USC. In 2008, USC trounced the Cardinal and Ducks, only to lose a shocker to Oregon State. In 2009, USC lost a shocker to Washington, but will trounce Oregon State to atone for 2008. In 2010, Washington gets trounced and another team (I’ll take UCLA) pulls the upset. The Professor has foreseen it.

Boise State -24.5 HAWAII
Meh. This game was interesting two years ago. Today? Not so much.

Thus concludes The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by the City of Chanhassen.

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 4 Smart Money Picks

I'll bet you thought The Professor was on sabbatical for this season after his first two weeks of picks. I'll bet you thought The Professor got tenured, so he decided to pull a "KCKCKCK as lame duck Athletic Communications Director" routine with his college football handicapping. I'll bet you thought The Professor was a flash in the pan, a one-hit wonder after last season's Pick 'Em Corner Championship.

Well, you thought wrong. The Professor is back and class is in session. So sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and get ready for this week's edition of The Professor's Smart Money Picks.

Pittsburgh -3 RUTGERS

We kick things off with a Big East game that The Professor could care less about. But The Professor being The Professor did his research as I talked to local media celebrity Larry Fitzgerald Sr. After sitting through 45 minutes of Larry explaining to me that the reason Kurt Warner isn't throwing to his son is clearly racial bias, we finally got down to the Panthers vs. Scarlet Knights. When Larry got done pumping his son's tires, he actually gave me great insight. He told me that Rutgers is relying on a true freshman at QB and that this is really the Knights' first real test of the season. Meanwhile, Pitt brings a good defense that will dare the Rutgers QB to beat them. Sadly, you won't see this kind of insight in the Spokesman-Recorder.

MICHIGAN STATE -12.5 Northwestern

This game all comes down to something we know really well in Gopher Nation...mediocrity. To get a good grasp on what it takes to be truly mediocre, I talked to one of The Host's best friends, current Big Ten Network analyst extraordinaire Glen Mason. Mase admitted to his Gopher teams' mediocrity in scheduling and results, but countered with the absence of mediocrity in his wardrobe, extra-white teeth and surgically-enhanced wife. Touché, Coach Mason, touché. In the end, though, Mase told me that Michigan State mediocrity will beat Northwestern mediocrity any day of the week. He's probably correct in that MSU will win this game, but The Professor has a sneaking suspicion that NU will keep this one close, but still lose in mediocre fashion.

MICHIGAN -29.5 Delaware State

The Professor didn't even bother to talk to anyone for this game after seeing that Delaware State lost 9-7 at home to Bethune-Cookman last week. Tate Forcier, Denard Robinson or a homeless woman at quarterback, Michigan is going to destroy the Hornets. I'm tempted to make this my lock, but The Professor got scared off by the large spread.

Texas -3 Oklahoma (Neutral Site-Dallas)
The Professor is really torn on this game. On one hand, you have the big question mark that is Sam Bradford. On the other hand, you have that God-awful first-half performance by the 'Horns against Colorado last week. What ever is The Professor to do? Talk to one-time Pick 'Em Corner panelist Teeks, that's what. Teeks, otherwise known as Kuko or Tory-Tory-Tory, told me that although Bradford is back, he's not yet 100 percent. Teeks has been watching an awful lot of Sooner practices this week and assures me that Bradford is extremely erratic and a little tentative. If I know anything, it's that you should trust in Teeks (except when it comes to having him come up to bat with runners in scoring position).

WISCONSIN -2.5 Iowa
In a battle that should be labeled "The Hate Bowl" because The Professor hates everything to do with these two schools, we have poorly-coached Wisconsin against boring-to-watch Iowa. I didn't bother to talk to anyone for this game as the thought of speaking to someone from these two God-forsaken states makes me ill (sorry, Host, Strickly Cash and C-Noth). Instead, I just broke this game down old-fashioned like. First, Iowa. The Hawkeyes are 6-0 with quality wins over Penn State and Michigan. Wisconsin, on the other hand has wins over cupcakes (Wofford), mid-majors (Northern Illinois, Fresno State) and medicority (Michigan State, Minnesota). Oh, and a resounding loss to Ohio State. That's it, I'm doing it. You hear that sound? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! It's the MasterLock Triple Strong Lock of the Week! There's just too much in favor of the Hawkeyes in this one, on the road or not. Need I remind you that The Professor is 3-0 on his locks this season?

Ohio State -13.5 PURDUE
Let me get this straight. Last week, a mediocre Minnesota beats an awful Purdue by 15 and a decent Ohio State beats an slightly above average Wisconsin by 18. And yet, the Buckeyes are favored by only 13.5? What gives? To find out, I talked to famous OSU alum Jack Nicklaus. He told me that the bookmakers in Vegas are still holding onto the thought that the Boilers are the best 1-5 team in the nation despite a lot of evidence to the contrary. He also told me that the Ohio State offense is so anemic right now that the Bucks might not be able to pull away from Boiler Up. Wow, great breakdown, Golden Bear. It'd be nice to see Gerry DiNardo come up with half as high-quality of an analysis. All that being said, Nicklaus wasn't at TCF Bank Stadium last week when Purdue kept shooting themselves in the foot over and over. If Purdue Pete can't handle the mediocre Minnesota, how is he going to overcome the best team in the Big Ten (for what it's worth)? OSU gets its offense going and Purdue turns the ball over five times. Take the Bucks.

AIR FORCE -10.5 Wyoming
It's The Professor's Ro-Tel Service Academy Game of the Week. And the only way I know how to give you my pick is to sing. So, here goes:

Off we go into the wild blue yonder,
Climbing high into the sun;
Here they come zooming to meet our thunder,
At 'em boys, Give 'er the gun!
Down we dive, spouting our flame from under,
Off with one hell of a roar!
We live in fame or go down in flame.
Nothing can stop the U.S. Air Force!

usc -10 NOTRE DAME

This game means everything for the Irish and the Heisman hopes of Jimmy Clausen. The game is in South Bend. It's the last marquee game on the Notre Dame schedule. Go with the Irish, right? Wrong. While Charlie Weis has been going on and on this week over the significance of this game for the Irish, Pete Carroll has his team do a slip 'n slide competition. That's enough for me. The Professor loves him some slip 'n slide. Fight on.

NEBRASKA -10.5 Texas Tech

Lightning round time. Nebraska is pretty good and 2009 Texas Tech isn't anywhere close to 2008 Texas Tech. Take the Huskers.

FLORIDA -24.5 Arkansas

For this game, I talked to Nolan Richardson...only because he's the only guy I could think of related to Arkansas. He told me that the Hogs have virtually no chance to win this game with their suspect defense, the offense seems to be the gridiron version of 40 Minutes of Hell. To wit, thanks to the emergence of QB Ryan Mallett, Arkansas has scored 48, 41, 47, and 44 points (pay no mind to their 35-7 loss to Bama). Great point, Coach. This Arkansas team can put up some points and Florida is coming off a taxing game, mentally and physically, on the road at LSU. Look for the Gators to take the Hogs lightly at home, keeping the game close until pulling away by three TDs in the fourth quarter. Woooooo, pig sooey!

PENN STATE -16.5 Minnesota

Gopher Nation has been Penn State's achilles heel in recent years, so that trend is enough to pick the Brew Crew in this one (despite the fact that Brewster is facing the Nits for the first time). But to confirm my suspicions, I talked to biggest PSU fan I know - LFK. She went on a tirade about how people should lay off Joe Paterno. "He's a living legend!" LFK screamed. "They named a library after the guy and he's still alive. Not to mention a football coach. Bobby Bowden can't hold JoePa's jock." Thanks for that, LFK. LFK's thoughts aside, Penn State is a good football team, but not great. The offense has the ability to put up points against so-so defenses (a la Minnesota and Illinois), but goes in the tank against good defense (a la Iowa). On the other side of the ball, the Nits secondary is a mess and now they have to face the best receiver in the league. Meanwhile, the Gopher run game showed some life last week and may finally give Brewster's Boys some balance to keep PSU off-balance. I'd love to go out on a limb and call a Gopher upset here, but I'm afraid LFK and her sidekick, The Cornerman, might hunt me down and beat me to a pulp. Instead, I'll just say the Gophers cover.

Virginia Tech -3 GEORGIA TECH

Lightning round time. The Hokies are sneaky good, while the Ramblin' Wreck can struggle to keep up with their Air Force-like offense. Take VT.

Illinois -2 INDIANA

The Ron Zook Farewell Tour hits Bloomington this week and is now featuring a team that has thrown in the towel. Sure, it's a team full of veterans who should know better, but keep in mind these guys were recruited by Zook. Their careers apexed when they were being recruited, much like Zook and his ability to bring in top-shelf talent only to see them get worse year by year under his tutelage. Indiana, meanwhile is, oh who am I kidding? Who cares about Indiana? They're playing a team coached by Ron Zook. Indiana cruises to a 14-point win.

ALABAMA -17 South Carolina

Seventeen points is an awful lot to give a Gamecock team that has been surprisingly decent this season, but Alabama has the best defense in the nation and owns an offense that has also put up a lot of points against some prett good teams. Bama's defense allows their offense to gain just enough points to cover. It might be a 24-6 or 21-3 win, but it's enough for The Professor to do what seems below him when he says, ROLL TIDE TURKEY!

OKLAHOMA ST. -7 Missouri

Really think The Host is starting to mail it in already this season. THIS is the game he decides to close the show with? They second- or third-most significant Big 12 game on the slate this week? Nice work, Host, nice work. Well, to follow his lead, I'll just pick a team and end this week's edition of Pick 'Em Corner on a low note. I like the Cowboys.

And with that dud, thus concludes The Professor's Smart Money Picks.

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 3 Smart Money Picks

First of all, I'd like to welcome Pick 'Em Corner back to its rightful place in the beautiful city of Chanhassen, ranked the No. 2 place to live in the entire nation by Money Magazine. Sadly, The Professor won't be able to attend The Ultimate Homecoming tonight as I'm a guest lecturer in Sports Hanidcapping at Normandale Community College (those GED gradutates and 45-year-old community college students can't get enough of The Professor).

To make up for my absence tonight in the No. 2 city in which to live, The Professor researched this week's games in true Professor form. I've talked to countless luminaries in the college football world in the effort to provide you, the Pick 'Em Corner viewer, with all the information you'll need to make an informed decision this week with your local bookmaker. Remember last week how The Professor told you to pick with your heart and not with your head? Well, forget that. That was the Grain Belt talking in concert with the foreign surroundings of last week's misguided move to that dump in Bloomington. The Professor wouldn't be The Professor without in-depth research into each of this week's THE PROFESSOR'S SMART MONEY PICKS.

Favorite Spread Underdog (Home teams in ALL CAPS, The Professor's pick in bold)
MINNESOTA -3.5 Purdue
Fans of The Professor already know that he is contractually obligated to pick the Gophers, but after doing some exhaustive research on Wikipedia, it appears that Purdue has traditionally been called the 'Cradle of Quarterbacks.' In that vein, I tried my darndest to get in touch with Jim Everett, but his PR agency kept connecting me with Chris Evert. Needless to say, Chrissy was of no help, so I turned to Kyle Orton for indight on current Boiler QB Joey Elliott. Orton, clearly drunk, told me that Elliott cannot be trusted. Sure, he's thrown more touchdowns than anyone in the league, but he's also leading the conference in picks. Orton, also wary of Elliot's inablilty to grow facial hair at an institute known for coaches with high-quality mustaches, noted that Minnesota learned their lesson from last year and won't have a hangover...unlike that of Orton. Look for Minnesota to crusie in this one.

NORTHWESTERN -19.5 Miami (OH)
I know, I know. Miami is dead last in the nation in scoring and first in the nation in giveaways. And I know. Northwestern has an explosive offense and had six takeaways last week. I don't care. Northwestern has a nasty habit of playing down to its opponent's level and cannot be expected to beat the RedHawks by 20 points or more. Plus, in the Cats' last game against a MAC foe, they squeaked by Eastern Michigan 27-24. To get a better understanding of this game, I spoke to Cat coach Pat Fitzgerald's wife, Stacy. She predictably predicted a Northwestern rout. That's great, Stacy, but I'm done trusting hot coaches' wives after going with Tennessee last week based on the insight from Layla Kiffin. From now on, hot wife = husband's team won't cover the spread. Northwestern wins, but Cats get distracted by Stacy on the sidelines, resulting in a last-minute RedHawks field goal to cover.

PENN STATE -36.5 Eastern Illinois
Ok, Eastern Illinois won't win. They won't even sniff a win. But Penn State already took out its frustrations on the Fighting Zooksters last week. Plus, JoePa & Co. haven't exactly lit the world on fire during a horrible non-conference slate. The Nits haven't beat a non-con team by more than 25 points, so why would they start now against a team allowing only 94 yards on the ground per game? To confirm my pick, I spoke with Saskatchewan Roughrider fullback Chris Szarka, an EIU alum. He told me that the Panthers are still stinging from their 47-21 loss to Illinois last year and have vowed to cover the spread in this game, if only for the fact that fellow EIU alum Kevin Duckworth has $250 riding on this game.

Michigan State -4 ILLINOIS
In preparation for this game, I spoke with new Illinois starting quarterback Eddie McGee. Eddie told me he has absolutely zero confidence in the coaching staff in Champaign and expects the Ron Zook Farewell Tour to take another embarrassing turn this week. In fact, after talking to Eddie, he wired me his second semester tuition money and told me to let it all ride on the Spartans. It sounds like Eddie is making this game his lock of the week. I'm a tad more skeptical and holding my lock for now, but if the Illini starting QB is this sure about the outcome, you should be too.

TENNESSEE -2 Georgia
The Professor hates picking SEC games, but based on his previously-mentioned rule of hot wife = husband's team won't cover the spread, go with the Dogs.

KANSAS -19.5 Iowa State
Lightning round time. Although The Professor's Dad is an ISU alum, it's smart to pick the Jayhawks here.

OHIO STATE -16.5 Wisconsin
Another easy one for The Professor. Although I'm contractually obligated to pick against Bucky (and gladly so), Wisconsin didn't impress me one bit in their win over Minnesota. Scott Tolzien was average at best and the coaching from the Badger sideline was horrible, as the drunk Wisconsin fan (I know that's redundant) behind me at TCF Bank Stadium could attest. Everyone was saying how last week was the game that Wisconsin would be exposed, but they kept forgetting they were playing the Gophers. This week, Bielema's Boys will be exposed big time. Take that, C-Noth!

Alabama -6 MISSISSIPPI
You hear that sound? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! It's the MasterLock Triple Strong Lock of the Week! The Professor absolutely hates doing it, but it worked for him last week, so he'll do it again...ROLL!!! TIDE!!! TURKEY!!! Now I know that's a compelling argument itself, but Ole Miss QB Jevan Snead has been a complete joke this season in the face of huge expectations. As much as I hate him, Nick Saban may be the best coach in the game. Sure, he's as crooked as The Host getting Teammate of the Month, but he can flat-out coach. Houston Nutt will have his team ready, but Bama is just too good and Snead is just too bad.

Oregon -3.5 UCLA
Looks like Las Vegas is just trying to give away money here. I know The Host says if it looks too good to be true, it probably is, (which reminds me of The Host's Teammate of the Month award). But The Host didn't talk to notable betting expert and UCLA coach Rick Neuheisel. Rick told me he was born in Wisconsin, a reason big enough alone to pick against the Bruins. He also told me that UCLA lost by eight to Stanford. Now, if the Bruins can lose on the road to a bunch of smart kids, it's almost a sure thing that they can lose by more than four points at home to a bunch of sketchy kids getting money to play football from Phil Knight. If I could add another lock of the week, it would be right here.

VIRGINIA -6.5 Indiana
I talked to Ron Zook in preparation for this game. Why Ron Zook? I know Ron Zook has no connection to either of these teams aside from coaching in the same league as Indiana. I know Ron Zook hasn't yet faced Indiana this season and knows little to nothing about Virginia. But Ron Zook knows bad coaching when he sees it. And And Ron Zook loves him some Al Groh. That's enough for me. Take the Hoosiers.

OREGON STATE -1.5 Stanford
Don't look now, but Stanford is leading the Pac-10. The Professor talked to a fellow professor for this game - one Bill/Dave Hutton at Stanford University. He doesn't follow much football anymore, but he regaled me with stories of his time with the Stanford band when a group of them went to the LA County Courthouse during the OJ trial and played circus music as the lawyers entered the courthouse. Or of the USC game when, during the halftime show, the Stanford band performed show complete with formations of a knife and a bloody glove, as well as a white Ford Bronco circling the field. That cleverness is reason enough to pick the Cardinal.

TEXAS -32 Colorado
Texas is really good, but Colorado isn't nearly as bad as they have been recently. The Professor hates large spreads and the Buffs have at least the ability to score points with an explosive, yet erratic offense. I spoke with Gopher coach Tim Brewster in preparation for this game, but he gave me nothing to go on. All I got from him was one-liners about hot chili, bear hunting and rock pounding. Thanks, buddy.

tcu -10 AIR FORCE
It's The Professor's Ro-Tel Service Academy Game of the Week. And the only way I know how to give you my pick is to sing. So, here goes:

Off we go into the wild blue yonder,
Climbing high into the sun;
Here they come zooming to meet our thunder,
At 'em boys, Give 'er the gun!
Down we dive, spouting our flame from under,
Off with one hell of a roar!
We live in fame or go down in flame.
Nothing can stop the U.S. Air Force!

Florida -8 LSU
It's the marquee game of the week and The Professor doesn't really care a lick about it. Blah, blah, blah Tim Tebow's brain. Blah, blah, blah Death Valley. Blah, blah, blah racist fans. All I know is some graphic I saw on ESPN. It said something about the last five top-ranked teams to go on the road against a top five team have all lost...or something to that effect. That's enough for me.

IOWA -8 Michigan
Time of some real number crunching to figure this one out. To do that, I talked to famous college football handicapper Brain Ballarini. He gave me the following breakdown:

Michigan is 2-6 against the spread in the last eight head-to-head meetings. Hawkeyes +1
The underdog in this series is 7-1 ATS. Wolverines +1.
The Wolverines are 7-1 ATS on the road as an underdog in the last eight games. Wolverines +1

That's 2-1 in favor of the Wolverines. Listen to the numbers, friends, and you'll win big by following The Professor.

Don't be fooled by Steve Stellar and his archival memory of games from the 1980s. Don't be swayed by KCKCKCK's sponsored picks. Don't let the Cornerman's East Coast bias and East Coast attitude influence your Midwestern sensibilities. And, for the love of God, please don't let a degenerate gambler like The Host take your money. He's just going to throw it on the WNBA and MLS. Be smart. Be educated. Go to class with The Professor.

Thus concludes The Professor's Smart Money Picks.

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 2 Smart Money Picks

The Professor's Smart Money Picks admittedly struggled in week 1. Bettors deserve better and The Professor is going to prove just how savvy of a handicapper he is by spotting his fellow panelists a subpar week 1 before storming back to repeat as Pick 'Em Corner's champion.

I present to you The Professor's Smart Money Picks:

Favorite Spread Underdog (Home teams in ALL CAPS, The Professor's pick in bold)
MINNESOTA -2 Wisconsin

If you know anything about The Professor, you know that he can't ever (EVER!) pick the Badgers, no matter the matchup or the spread. This is going to be a wild one at TCF Bank Stadium, but I see the Gophers pulling away late after Bucky is exposed for the fraud that he is.

MICHIGAN STATE -2.5 Michigan

You hear that sound? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! It's the MasterLock Triple Strong Lock of the Week! Sparty's back is up against the wall and no coach can rally his troops better than Mark Dantonio. This week for MSU, it's the age-old "us against the world" routine, but it tends to work. Plus, with the decline of family values in Ann Arbor, it really is hard to pick in favor of the Wolverines.

PURDUE -7.5 Northwestern

The Professor is liking the chalk this week as you'll see and this game is no different. Purdue is really not as bad as their record and is only 12 points from being a 4-0 football team. Throw on top of that the tailspin that the loser of the Minnesota-Northwestern game usually goes in and you've got the Purdue Pete winning by 10 or more.

Alabama -16.5 KENTUCKY

It pains me to do it, but ROLL..............TIDE..................TURKEY!!!!!!!!!

Penn State -7 ILLINOIS

Never, ever rely on a Ron Zook-coached team to cover the spread.

GEORGIA -3 lsu

I've got nothing here.

NOTRE DAME -13.5 washington

It kills me to pick the Irish here as I really can't stand Notre Dame, but I trusted Washington last week and they screwed me, so I'm going with Charlie Weis' gut here.

NAVY -3.5 air force

Anchors Aweigh, my boys, Anchors Aweigh.
Farewell to foreign shores, We sail at break of day, of day.
Through our last night on shore, Drink to the foam,
Until we meet once more. Here's wishing you a happy voyage home!

Ohio State -17 INDIANA
If Ben Chappell throws the ball half as well as his coach Bill Lynch throws gum, the Hoosiers will stay within two touchdowns.

TEXAS A&M -1 Arkansas

Only because I yelled out Wooooo Pig Sooey last week and got beat by Roll Tide Turkey.

TENNESSEE -2 Auburn

This one's for Layla Kiffin (I implore you to Google her).

Oklahoma -7 MIAMI (FL)

This one's for Teeks.

usc -5 CALIFORNIA

Cal is a fraud and USC is motivated to further prove it.

IOWA -21 arkansas state

Doing the Chief Illiniwek dance for this one. Don't ask.

OREGON -32 washington state
I'm only picking the Ducks to try to close the gap with my fellow panelists.

Thus concludes The Professor's Smart Money Picks.

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 1 Smart Money Picks

The Professor is back. Pick 'Em Corner is back. And most importantly, The Professor's Smart Money Picks are back.

You may remember The Professor's Pick 'Em Corner-best 29-14 record in picking Big Ten games against the spread in 2008. Well, this season, we're branching out beyond the Big Ten and picking a total of 15 games per week, including all Big Ten games, The Professor's Service Academy Game of the Week, all Alabama "Roll Tide Turkey" games and any games featuring Top 25 teams against each other. The remaining games will be filled out by quality storylines associated with the game.

To recap how this works, each game is worth one point and any "Lock of the Week" is worth three. All games are picked AGAINST THE SPREAD (not straight up winners). Standings will be posted on Mr. Heavyfoot after each week.

Don't be fooled by Pick 'Em Corner's other handicappers. The Host finished with an incredibly-awful 17-26 record last year. Cornerman, Coolies, Miss Money and Jimbo hovered around the .500 mark the entire season and never brought you, the bettor, the consistency needed to actually make some money picking college football. Slietes had a winning record in 2008, but even he chalks that up to pure luck. The Professor's most worthy competitor, KCKCKCK, has proven his chops at Pick 'Em Corner, but does he really have you in mind when he makes his picks? Methinks not. He's just fulfilling his sponsor obligations with Jimmy John's.

So, without further ado, I present to you The Professor's Smart Money Picks:

Favorite Spread Underdog (Home teams in ALL CAPS, The Professor's pick in bold)
GA TECH -2.5 North Carolina
Ramblin' Wreck coach Paul Johnson used to coach at Navy. If you know anything about The Professor, you're aware he's an Army guy. Go Heels.

NORTHWESTERN -1.5 Minnesota
Talked to former Gopher assistant Moe Ankeny this week. He still can't find Losli and is calling for the defense to be in Cobra. That's all the insight he gave me on this one. Minnesota may lose this game in a dramatic fashion for the third straight year, but it won't be by more than a point.

MICHIGAN -20.5 Indiana
Talked to disgraced former Michigan QB-turned-WR-turned drug dealer Justin Feagin this week. I don't have anything to add to that. I just wanted to drop his name. Indiana is not a good 3-0 football team (and as a Gopher fan, I know bad 3-0 football teams), but they're not three TDs worse than a young Michigan football team.

WISCONSIN -3 Michigan State
If you know anything about The Professor, you're aware that he never NEVER picks the BADgers, no matter the matchup or the spread. It's a tactic that has worked well in the past as evidenced by The Professor's Pick 'Em Corner-best 29-14 record in Big Ten games last season.

California -5.5 OREGON
Can't say I was overly-impressed with Cal last week, aside from the obvious accolades for Jahvid Best, but Cal is a much superior team to the Ducks. Oregon loves to run the ball, but the Bears thrive on stopping the run. Meanwhile, Cal will learn their lesson from last week and stick with Best, exploiting Oregon's average run defense. On top of all that, Cal QB Kevin Riley is miles ahead of former 5th-string Oregon QB Jeremiah Masoli. This has all the makings of a Cal rout.

Miami (FL) -3 VIRGINIA TECH
I know The U is the trendy pick here and I fully expect Coolies to throw his lock of the week on this game, but really, this is almost a pick-em game, with Vegas giving the Hokies some points based on home field advantage. I talked to that thing on Virginia Tech coach Frank Beamer's neck and it told me the Hokies are lucky to be 2-1. They'll be even luckier if they stay within 10 points of the Canes.

OHIO STATE -14 Illinois
You hear that sound? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! It's the MasterLock Triple Strong Lock of the Week! I know. I know. The Illini gets Juice and Benn back and the Buckeye offense has been streaky at best under Terelle Pryor. I DON'T CARE. Need I remind you Illinois is a Ron Zook-coached team?!? What else needs to be said? Ohio State. Big. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk!

ALABAMA -17.5 Arkansas
The Professor absolutely hates when the entire Pick 'Em Corner panel yells ROLL! TIDE! TURKEY! So I'll counter with WOO! PIG! SOOIE!

Florida -21.5 KENTUCKY
Talked to Kathleen Sebelius, the Secretary of Health and Human Services, and she told me the H1N1 flu virus that hit the Gators last week will have some carryover effects to this game. There's not a chance that Florida loses, but the swine flu will keep this game closer than the experts thing (copyright Lee Corso).

IOWA STATE -10 Army
You know how The Host gets to sing that stupid Ramblin' Wreck song every time a Georgia Tech game is among the picks? Well, now it's The Professor's turn in this week's Service Academy Game of the Week. Ready?

On, brave old Army team,
On to the fray:
Fight on to victory,
For that's the fearless Army way.

Thank you.

PENN STATE -9.5 Iowa
Who hates Iowa? The Professor hates Iowa. The Professor is also aware that Ricky Stanzi is nothing special, not to mention the Hawks' committee of no-name running backs. That's enough for 10 points in my book.

Notre Dame -7 PURDUE
The gut beats the mustache.

STANFORD -7.5 Washington
Otherwise known as the Ty Willingham Bowl, I'm drinking the purple kool-aid in this one and predicting a Huskies win.

HOUSTON -1 Texas Tech
Easily the toughest game of the week to pick, but I'll call Houston's win over Okie State a mirage and Texas Tech's strong showing against Texas a trend. This is going to be a major shootout with the Red Raiders winning on the final drive of the contest.

USC -45 Washington State
45 points?!? HA! I know USC is pissed and Wazzu is awful, but 45 points? No way.

Thus concludes The Professor's Smart Money Picks.