It's Come to This: Gopher Radio Network Giving Away Radios So Someone Will Listen to Dave Lee

In what can only be labeled a sign of declining revenue due to sagging ratings, the Gopher Radio Network, a division of Learfield Sports, sent an e-mail to Gopher football season ticket holders Thursday, offering a free Live Sports Radio for Minnesota's final home game this Saturday against South Dakota State. Reports out of Plano, Texas, the home of Learfield Sports, indicate that the free radio offer is an attempt to woo back listeners to the Gopher Radio Network who have grown disillusioned since Dave Lee became the team's play-by-play voice in 2002.

"I'll be honest with you. I find Dave Lee as unlistenable as the next guy," Stan Koenigsfeld, Learfield Sports Executive Vice President for the Heartland Region, said. "But apparently he's the best play-by-play guy the people at the Gopher Radio Network can come up with. I must admit, it doesn't say much for the radio talent in the Twin Cities, but at least now, with this great offer from the folks at Live Sports Radio, people won't have to pay to listen to him during the game."

Ironically, over the past eight seasons, countless Minnesota football fans have uttered the words, "You couldn't pay me to listen to Dave Lee call Gopher football." Those fans have now been proven somewhat prophetic, thanks to this free radio offer.

The Live Sports Radios were previously available for purchase at home football games for $20 each. According to documents obtained by Mr. Heavyfoot, the Gopher Radio Network and Live Sports Radio pushed for this offer after discovering a ridiculous surplus of Minnesota-branded radios in a Mariucci Arena supply room.

"We don't really want to offer free radios to our season ticket holders, but our hands are tied on this one," a Gopher Radio Network staffer said on condition of anonymity as they were not authorized to speak to members of the media. "We have so damned many of these radios it's not even funny. But look at it this way. Here's your chance to listen to Dave Lee and those other two guys live and free from your seat at TCF Bank Stadium. Never mind that Dave Lee is the worst play-by-play guy in the history of sports. It's free! Never mind that listening to Dave Lee call the game, with NO DELAY mind you, may make it impossible for you to actually follow what's happening on the field. It's free! Did I mention it's free?"

Ratings for Gopher football on the radio have been declining ever since Lee took over the play-by-play duties from the legendary Ray Christensen, the voice of Golden Gopher football and men's basketball from 1951-2001. Lee may be perhaps best known for his complete and utter inability to describe what is happening on the field in crucial moments, from the infamous "Touchdown Ellerson!" call against Northwestern in 2003, to the thoroughly confusing botched punt call against Wisconsin in 2005, to the "...throw across the middle...It's caught!...The Gophers have it!...Touchdown Gophers!" call in describing the game-clinching 59-yard touchdown on a wild deflection from Nick Tow-Arnett to Duane Bennett in Minnesota's 42-34 win over Michigan State on Oct. 31, 2009.

The Gopher Radio Network did see a huge spike in ratings early in the second half of Minnesota's home-opening game against Air Force on Sept. 12, leading some to believe that radio listeners were willing to give Lee another shot. Unfortunately for Lee and Learfield Sports, that wasn't the case.

"Our ratings went through the roof during the Gophers' first offensive series in the second half against Air Force," the anonymous Gopher Radio Network staffer said. "We were ecstatic. We thought with the excitement of the new stadium and the new season, our fans listening to the game on the radio were giving us another chance to win them back. Turns out they were just tuning in to hear Ray Christensen again. After that series, our ratings went back down to where they've been since 2002. What does it say about our current radio situation that people would rather listen to an 82-year-old man than Dave Lee? Don't answer that."

In related news, reports out of Plano indicate that the executives at Learfield Sports are pushing the Gopher Radio Network management to dump Lee in favor of this guy:

Report: Tim Brewster Will Not Tolerate Obesity

According to reports out of the Gibson-Nagurski Football Complex on the campus of the University of Minnesota, head football coach Tim Brewster (Phillipsburg, N.J.) has no tolerance for the obese and will not tolerate fat people in his midst.

Brewster's distaste for the overweight came to light last week when the Gopher gridiron boss used his account on the social networking site Twitter (Play4Brew) to insult portly Minneapolis Star-Tribune columnist Patrick Reusse. The Twitter post, below, was quickly deleted after Brewster's bosses deemed the "tweet" inappropriate, immature and unbecoming of a Gopher, but Brewster has vowed to continue his fight against fat people.

"On the record, I did not post that comment on Twitter and I don't know how it got on there. Might have been my boy Berezowitz," Brewster said over a bowl of hot chili. "Off the record, you're damn right I wrote that and it would still be up there if it wasn't for my panty waisted bosses in the administration. I'll tell you what, buddy, it's time Gopher Nation stands up to Reusse and all of his fat friends."

Apparently, Brewster's distaste for the overweight began after the reputed super-recruiter lost a heated battle for blue chip Cretin-Derham Hall wide receiver Michael Floyd to Notre Dame, a program led by the beefy Charlie Weis. Brewster took the loss hard, and chose to vent his disappointment by insulting the weight and appearance of the Irish head coach.

"Weis is a slob, a disgrace to Notre Dame, with his dirty mouth and appearance," Brewster said, according to a report on the now-defunct blog Paging Jim Shikenjanski. "Notre Dame will never recruit another Minnesota player until Weis is under 350 pounds."

Since making that statement, Brewster has proved prophetic as the 2009 and 2010 Fighting Irish recruiting classes have, so far, been absent of any Minnesotans. According to rumors out of Gibson-Nagurski, Brewster has chalked up that success to his crusade against the porcine and plump.

Brewster's aversion for the obese went to another level during halftime of Minnesota's 42-21 loss to Kansas in the 2008 Insight Bowl. The Jayhawks, led by the ample-sized Mark Mangino, owned a 28-14 lead at the break that they would not relinquish. Incensed by his team giving up a lead midway through the second quarter, Brewster, once again, chose to roast his coaching opponent.

"Coach Brew was his usual optimistic and positive self before the game and during the first half," former student manager Dominic Lade said. "But at halftime, out came a side of Brewster I had never seen before. He was ranting and raving about how much of a 'fat slob that Mangino is,' and how 'that Syracuse Orange lookalike had no business being on the same field as the Golden Gophers.' Coach Brew had no interest in making halftime adjustments. He just wanted to insult Coach Mangino."

Brewster's dislike of the overweight has several members of the Golden Gopher offensive and defensive lines worried for their future with the program. Minnesota's seven 300-pound linemen - Matt Carufel, Garrett Brown, Chris Bunders, Ned Tavale, Jewhan Edwards, Dom Alford and Jeff Wills - have enlisted the help of the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance in a preemptive strike against any tactics Brewster may use in his war against the overweight.

"Coach Brew has always told us, that if you're going bear hunting, you better be prepared to go get the bear," sophomore defensive tackle Jewhan Edwards (6-2, 324) said. "The bear for us is coach's alleged dislike of the hefty and husky set. Well, we're not going to slay the bear without the help of NAAFA. We're just making sure Coach Brew keeps true to his word when he says this is a big man's game."

According to documents obtained by Mr. Heavyfoot, NAAFA will provide legal counsel to the stout septet should Brewster decide to take his anti-fat people crusade to his own players.

"Mr. Brewster's apparent campaign against the fat is just another in a long line of actions taken against the big, brawny, bulky, burly and even the big-boned in recent years," NAAFA founder and president William Fabrey said. "His level of vitriol and maliciousness toward the roly-poly is troubling to all of us at NAAFA."

Despite the negative publicity received from local and national media and bloggers, Brewster has been unapologetic toward his distaste for the corpulent.

"Hey, buddy, I'll tell you what. I think it's very, very, very tremendous how this nation has turned its attention away from defeating Big Tobacco in favoring of defeating fatsos. Even Fat Pat is noticing the impact he's having on the environment (link). It just goes to show you that ol' Coach Brewster knows what he's talking about.

"I'm real. I'm raw. At times, I'm real raw. I don't care if I offend people when I say I'm against all things fat, overweight and obese. I'm also against the way the words your and you're sound alike but are spelled differently and mean completely different things. Stupid spellcheck."

Wild Fan Taunted for Tucking in Jersey

This article appears in the Feb. 19, 2009, edition of Let's Play Hockey.

SAINT PAUL – As a group, fans of the Minnesota Wild take their hockey seriously. They’re a knowledgeable and passionate bunch. It appears, however, that some followers of the NHL franchise have taken their love for the Wild and the game of hockey a bit too far.

According to reports out of the Xcel Energy Center, fan Kris Lagasse (Crookston, Minn.) received a healthy dose of verbal harassment from a sizable group of die-hard Wild fans at a recent game at the St. Paul arena. Reportedly, Lagasse had to ask for security assistance from ushers in the second period of the Valentine’s Day game vs. Ottawa when a group of fans heckled the 24-year-old graphic designer for tucking in his replica Derek Boogaard jersey.

“My wife and I were enjoying the game when out of nowhere this group of fans in our section started yelling at me to untuck my jersey,” Lagasse said. “They were merciless. They had half the upper deck chanting, ‘Untuck your jersey,’ followed by the familiar ‘clap, clap, clap-clap-clap.’”

Witnesses report that Lagasse was standing more often than most fans during the game, apparently trying to fire up the Wild with motivational cheers after the team’s three-goal lead started fading in the second period.

“In the first period, I hardly noticed the tucked-in jersey guy,” Section 210 fan Bryan Maus said. “But then, the Wild started going in the tank in the second and he was constantly on his feet, trying to get the fans to cheer ‘Let’s go, Wild’ and stuff like that. Nobody paid much attention to him until they noticed he had his jersey tucked into his Dockers.

“Then the proverbial gloves came off. It started with just a couple of guys yelling at him to untuck his jersey. By the end of the second period, almost half the section was hurling insults and the occasional box of popcorn at the guy. I can’t say he deserved it, but c’mon, who in their right mind thinks a tucked-in hockey jersey looks good?”

Though he received a healthy dose of grief from fellow Wild fans, Lagasse was unapologetic for his wardrobe choice.

“I was taking my wife out to celebrate Valentine’s Day with a little dinner at Fuji Ya followed by the game. I wanted to class up my look a little bit, so I tucked in my jersey. She’s always bothering me to tuck my shirt in and brush my teeth before I go to work, so I just thought she’d be happy with me if I tucked in the jersey for a night out on the town. Boy, did that backfire.”

According to the incident report filed at the arena, ushers were called to Section 210 for fan assistance during the second period. Usher Rob Swoverland was the first on the scene.

“It was an ugly situation. Mr. Lagasse looked like a complete idiot, and if I wasn’t working at the time, I would have probably taunted him, too. After a few near-misses by thrown cups of beer, I finally convinced him to untuck his jersey. But he wasn’t happy about it. His wife, however, was relieved.”

According to Lagasse’s wife, Megan, the tucked-in jersey fiasco wasn’t the first time that Lagasse has been the subject of teasing from fans at a sporting event.

“We go to a lot of Twins games in the summer and, despite the fact that he’s 24 years old, Chris insists on bringing his glove to every game. I understand catching a foul ball is a thrill, but we have season tickets in the upper deck above the left field foul pole. That’s an area no foul ball has ever, or will ever, reach. I love Chris with all of my heart, but what guy over the age of 12 brings his glove to a baseball game?”

Colorblind Hockey Player Keeps Going Offsides

This article appears in the Dec. 11, 2008, edition of Let's Play Hockey.

BLAINE, MINN. – Area hockey player Geoff Kaiser picked up the sport a mere three months ago, but the Plymouth, Minn., native is already considering hanging up the skates for good due to his rare red-blue colorblindness. A forward for the Elsinore Brewery team in the Norris Division of the SuperRink D League, Kaiser has gone offsides a league record 114 times in 16 games this season, apparently because of his inability to discern the difference between the red and blue lines.

Even though Kaiser, 32, wholly understands the rules of hockey, he routinely gets confused as to which lines are which colors, leading to multiple whistles for offsides during nearly every one of Kaiser’s shifts. Just last weekend in a league game against the rival Bourque Chops, Kaiser skated offsides an astonishing six times in one shift.

"Being colorblind has certainly taken a toll on my development as a hockey player," Kaiser said after a game which featured 29 whistles attributed solely to the hapless forward. "It’s just so darn confusing out there on the ice. I mean, what’s red to you is blue to me and vice versa. It’s like bizarro world. How can I be expected to stay onsides when I can’t tell if the line I just crossed was really red or blue?"

In an effort to combat the obvious conflict of Kaiser’s visual disability with the rules of hockey, Elsinore Brewery teammates have gone to great lengths to solve the maddening problem. Team captain Mike Lunderbergh thought he found the solution upon finishing his box of Fruity Pebbles late last month.

"I’m just polishing off a box of my favorite cereal when I notice something amid the crumbs," Lunderbergh said. "There it was. The solution to all of our problems – 3-D glasses. It seemed like a great idea and it was to a certain extent. The glasses solved the red line-blue line problem, but it sure did a number of Geoff’s depth perception. He wasn’t going offsides anymore, but he was constantly running into the boards. Back to the drawing boards, I guess."

When the 3-D glasses experiment failed, the Elsinore Brewery squad tried several other tactics to handle the issue, including hypnosis, behavior modification, looking into retinal transplants and playing Geoff only when they had a faceoff in the offensive zone. When all those strategies failed, the team turned to league director Sam Lombardo.

"The Elsinore Brewery team came to me with a drastic suggestion to help rid the league of the offsides epidemic that has plagued it since Kaiser started playing hockey," Lombardo said. "Lunderbergh asked the rink manager to re-paint our lines in more Kaiser-friendly colors like green and orange. That just wasn’t going to happen. We’d be the laughingstock of the ice arena world."

The majority of Kaiser’s teammates have been nothing but supportive as Kaiser has battled his colorblindness on the ice. Some Elsinore Brewery players, however, seem to be losing patience.

"Listen, I like Geoff. I respect Geoff. I just don’t understand Geoff," veteran defenseman Karl Coughlin said. "How hard is it to figure out that the center line is red and the other two lines are blue? Seriously, I’ve had just about enough of this. If he doesn’t quit, I quit."

Other team members have taken a more pragmatic, look-on-the-bright-side approach to the problems that Kaiser has brought to the ice.

"I’m as annoyed by all the whistles as the next guy, but I’ll tell you this, I’m getting really good at taking faceoffs," center Stefan Gellar said.

Kaiser claims he didn’t anticipate the impact his visual disability would have on the Elsinore Brewery team and the SuperRink D League.

"I really didn’t expect my colorblindness to be a problem in hockey," Kaiser said. "I mean, it’s never really been an issue before...aside from my short-lived career as a high school quarterback when I passed to the wrong team because I thought they’re wearing blue when they were really wearing red. Oh, and every four years during election time, the whole red state-blue state thing gets really confusing. Come to think of it, maybe the reason I get pulled over all the time for running red lights has something to do with me having trouble seeing red. I guess I should have seen this coming."

Lunderbergh has called a team meeting to address the future of Kaiser on the Elsinore Brewery team. League officials are anxiously awaiting the team’s decision.

"As officials, we need to stay as impartial as possible," linesman Jim Backlin said. "But the sooner Kaiser is done as a hockey player, the better. I’ve gone through 14 whistles this season. My whistle budget is through the roof."

Assistant Tennis Coach Keeps Calling People "You Bitch"

University of Minnesota assistant men's tennis coach Urban Ljubic (Ljubljana, Slovenia) has found himself embroiled in a controversy stemming from complaints that the third-year member of the Golden Gopher staff has been calling people "you bitch." Numerous members of the U of M Intercollegiate Athletics Department, the United States Tennis Association (USTA) Northern Section and prospective student-athletes have reported that, for some reason, Ljubic chooses to use the insult immediately upon introducing himself.

Since joining the Golden Gophers prior to the 2006-07 season, Ljubic has managed to alienate several members of the athletic department with his abusive language.

"Urban has been here since last fall and he hasn't stopped saying 'you bitch' to me," U of M head women's tennis coach Tyler Thomson (Bismarck, N.D.) said. "I think he's a sociopath."

"From what I hear, Urban is a great tennis coach and a better person, but I'm having a hard time dealing with the disrespecful speech," Baseline Tennis Center director John Pratt said. "Maybe it's part of the Slovenian culture or something to say 'you bitch' to people upon meeting them. Maybe it's the language barrier. I don't know. What I do know is I didn't have to endure this abuse when Luciano (Battaglini of Brazil) came to the U."

According to complaints received by Mr. Heavyfoot, Ljubic's hurtful language has spread beyond the walls of the Bierman Field Athletic Building. The greater tennis community has also felt the wrath of the former University of Denver tennis standout's disparaging introductions.

"I don't know what his problem is," USTA Northern official Tim Kurtt (St. Paul, Minn.) said. "I introduced myself to him shortly before the Big Ten Championship this past April and he called me 'you bitch.' As a tournament referee for a lot of events, I've been called a lot of things in the heat of the moment, but this was during what I thought was a friendly introduction. Listen, Urban. I was a linesman at Wimbledon this year. No one calls me a bitch."

Tennis recruiting services have reported that Ljubic's inflammatory introductions are negatively impacting head coach Geoff Young's success in landing prospective Division I tennis players. As recruiting is one of Ljubic's primary duties as an assistant coach, student-athletes in the U.S. and beyond are constantly having to deal with his derisive talk.

"Geoff and Urban have been recruiting me for some time now," an anonymous high school tennis player said. "Urban is usually the one to call me. I answer the phone and it's always 'Hi. It's Urban, you bitch.' I never even get his last name. I have no idea why I still have Minnesota on my short list."

Rumors indicate that when pronounced in his native Slovenian language, Ljubic's name sounds like the phrase 'you bitch.' Those rumors remain unconfirmed.

When reached for comment at his home by Mr. Heavyfoot reporters, Ljubic introduced himself by saying, "Nice to meet you. My name is Urban, you bitch."

Ladies of Bierman Distraught as Battaglini Prepares to Leave for Carleton

Hordes of single women that work in the Bierman Field Athletic Building are distraught this week as tall, dark and handsome assistant women's tennis coach Luciano Battaglini announced that his final day at the University of Minnesota will be Friday, June 29. A native of Brazil, Battaglini will be leaving his post at the U of M to become the new Carleton College head women's tennis coach. He will also serve as an assistant professor in the physical education, athletics and recreation department at Carleton. Battaglini will be honored at a Brazilian Carnival-themed Going-Away Party at the Library Bar & Grill in the near future.

"I can't believe Luciano is leaving and I never got my picture taken with him," Assistant Athletic Communications Director Michelle Train said. "Working in this office with all these homely guys, seeing Luciano in the hallways of Bierman has been a breath of fresh air. Who am I going to swoon after when he leaves? Geller? Romo? Pffft."

Battaglini's supervisor, Golden Gopher women's tennis head coach Tyler Thomson, expressed a hint of sadness with losing his assistant, but indicated that perhaps losing Battaglini would result in a more conducive office environment.

"Listen, I love Looch to death, but I get nothing done when we're both in our offices," Thomson said. "I mean, the parade of single women who come into our suite just to bat their eyes and say hi to Looch was getting ridiculous. I realize he's exotic and all that, but sheesh, it was a daily cavalcade of ladies in here."

With Battaglini's last day just a week away, single women from various offices in the Bierman Building are banding together in an effort to convince the swarthy and alluring Brazilian to stay at the U of M. Several women have organized into the Gopher Ladies for Luciano (GoLaLu) to raise funds to keep the swarthy and alluring tennis coach on staff at the U of M.

"Tall, dark and handsome are not exactly the words that come to mind when talking about the men of the Bierman Building," Golden Gopher Fund staffer Jessica Fleischmann said. "Luciano changed that and now he's leaving. I'm devastated. That's why I started GoLaLu. I'm not going to let all those Portuguese language classes we've been taking go to waste without a fight. Luciano, nós amamos te."

"I have a boyfriend, but he knows I'm smitten with Luciano," photographer Alicia Jerome said. "I could listen to him talk for hours with that adorable accent of his. Don't leave, Luciano. Listening to Brad James speak Australian just isn't the same."

"Before I got engaged, I had my heart set on currying Luciano's favor," Athletic Communications veteran Sara Berhow said. "I've always had a thing for Mexicans. Don't tell my fiancé."

Not every single woman in Bierman Building has joined forces with GoLaLu, indicating Battaglini's appeal extends only so far.

"Luciano is just not arrogant enough for me," Administrative Specialist Meghan Potter said. "Plus, I'm pretty sure he's never once played hockey. Those are pretty much my standards for a man and he just doesn't meet them. Good luck at Carleton, Luciano."

"I think Looch has Adonis potential, but he's no Steve Geller," Golden Gopher Fund donor coordinator Becky Hennen said.