Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 3 Smart Money Picks

First of all, I'd like to welcome Pick 'Em Corner back to its rightful place in the beautiful city of Chanhassen, ranked the No. 2 place to live in the entire nation by Money Magazine. Sadly, The Professor won't be able to attend The Ultimate Homecoming tonight as I'm a guest lecturer in Sports Hanidcapping at Normandale Community College (those GED gradutates and 45-year-old community college students can't get enough of The Professor).

To make up for my absence tonight in the No. 2 city in which to live, The Professor researched this week's games in true Professor form. I've talked to countless luminaries in the college football world in the effort to provide you, the Pick 'Em Corner viewer, with all the information you'll need to make an informed decision this week with your local bookmaker. Remember last week how The Professor told you to pick with your heart and not with your head? Well, forget that. That was the Grain Belt talking in concert with the foreign surroundings of last week's misguided move to that dump in Bloomington. The Professor wouldn't be The Professor without in-depth research into each of this week's THE PROFESSOR'S SMART MONEY PICKS.

Favorite Spread Underdog (Home teams in ALL CAPS, The Professor's pick in bold)
MINNESOTA -3.5 Purdue
Fans of The Professor already know that he is contractually obligated to pick the Gophers, but after doing some exhaustive research on Wikipedia, it appears that Purdue has traditionally been called the 'Cradle of Quarterbacks.' In that vein, I tried my darndest to get in touch with Jim Everett, but his PR agency kept connecting me with Chris Evert. Needless to say, Chrissy was of no help, so I turned to Kyle Orton for indight on current Boiler QB Joey Elliott. Orton, clearly drunk, told me that Elliott cannot be trusted. Sure, he's thrown more touchdowns than anyone in the league, but he's also leading the conference in picks. Orton, also wary of Elliot's inablilty to grow facial hair at an institute known for coaches with high-quality mustaches, noted that Minnesota learned their lesson from last year and won't have a hangover...unlike that of Orton. Look for Minnesota to crusie in this one.

NORTHWESTERN -19.5 Miami (OH)
I know, I know. Miami is dead last in the nation in scoring and first in the nation in giveaways. And I know. Northwestern has an explosive offense and had six takeaways last week. I don't care. Northwestern has a nasty habit of playing down to its opponent's level and cannot be expected to beat the RedHawks by 20 points or more. Plus, in the Cats' last game against a MAC foe, they squeaked by Eastern Michigan 27-24. To get a better understanding of this game, I spoke to Cat coach Pat Fitzgerald's wife, Stacy. She predictably predicted a Northwestern rout. That's great, Stacy, but I'm done trusting hot coaches' wives after going with Tennessee last week based on the insight from Layla Kiffin. From now on, hot wife = husband's team won't cover the spread. Northwestern wins, but Cats get distracted by Stacy on the sidelines, resulting in a last-minute RedHawks field goal to cover.

PENN STATE -36.5 Eastern Illinois
Ok, Eastern Illinois won't win. They won't even sniff a win. But Penn State already took out its frustrations on the Fighting Zooksters last week. Plus, JoePa & Co. haven't exactly lit the world on fire during a horrible non-conference slate. The Nits haven't beat a non-con team by more than 25 points, so why would they start now against a team allowing only 94 yards on the ground per game? To confirm my pick, I spoke with Saskatchewan Roughrider fullback Chris Szarka, an EIU alum. He told me that the Panthers are still stinging from their 47-21 loss to Illinois last year and have vowed to cover the spread in this game, if only for the fact that fellow EIU alum Kevin Duckworth has $250 riding on this game.

Michigan State -4 ILLINOIS
In preparation for this game, I spoke with new Illinois starting quarterback Eddie McGee. Eddie told me he has absolutely zero confidence in the coaching staff in Champaign and expects the Ron Zook Farewell Tour to take another embarrassing turn this week. In fact, after talking to Eddie, he wired me his second semester tuition money and told me to let it all ride on the Spartans. It sounds like Eddie is making this game his lock of the week. I'm a tad more skeptical and holding my lock for now, but if the Illini starting QB is this sure about the outcome, you should be too.

TENNESSEE -2 Georgia
The Professor hates picking SEC games, but based on his previously-mentioned rule of hot wife = husband's team won't cover the spread, go with the Dogs.

KANSAS -19.5 Iowa State
Lightning round time. Although The Professor's Dad is an ISU alum, it's smart to pick the Jayhawks here.

OHIO STATE -16.5 Wisconsin
Another easy one for The Professor. Although I'm contractually obligated to pick against Bucky (and gladly so), Wisconsin didn't impress me one bit in their win over Minnesota. Scott Tolzien was average at best and the coaching from the Badger sideline was horrible, as the drunk Wisconsin fan (I know that's redundant) behind me at TCF Bank Stadium could attest. Everyone was saying how last week was the game that Wisconsin would be exposed, but they kept forgetting they were playing the Gophers. This week, Bielema's Boys will be exposed big time. Take that, C-Noth!

Alabama -6 MISSISSIPPI
You hear that sound? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! It's the MasterLock Triple Strong Lock of the Week! The Professor absolutely hates doing it, but it worked for him last week, so he'll do it again...ROLL!!! TIDE!!! TURKEY!!! Now I know that's a compelling argument itself, but Ole Miss QB Jevan Snead has been a complete joke this season in the face of huge expectations. As much as I hate him, Nick Saban may be the best coach in the game. Sure, he's as crooked as The Host getting Teammate of the Month, but he can flat-out coach. Houston Nutt will have his team ready, but Bama is just too good and Snead is just too bad.

Oregon -3.5 UCLA
Looks like Las Vegas is just trying to give away money here. I know The Host says if it looks too good to be true, it probably is, (which reminds me of The Host's Teammate of the Month award). But The Host didn't talk to notable betting expert and UCLA coach Rick Neuheisel. Rick told me he was born in Wisconsin, a reason big enough alone to pick against the Bruins. He also told me that UCLA lost by eight to Stanford. Now, if the Bruins can lose on the road to a bunch of smart kids, it's almost a sure thing that they can lose by more than four points at home to a bunch of sketchy kids getting money to play football from Phil Knight. If I could add another lock of the week, it would be right here.

VIRGINIA -6.5 Indiana
I talked to Ron Zook in preparation for this game. Why Ron Zook? I know Ron Zook has no connection to either of these teams aside from coaching in the same league as Indiana. I know Ron Zook hasn't yet faced Indiana this season and knows little to nothing about Virginia. But Ron Zook knows bad coaching when he sees it. And And Ron Zook loves him some Al Groh. That's enough for me. Take the Hoosiers.

OREGON STATE -1.5 Stanford
Don't look now, but Stanford is leading the Pac-10. The Professor talked to a fellow professor for this game - one Bill/Dave Hutton at Stanford University. He doesn't follow much football anymore, but he regaled me with stories of his time with the Stanford band when a group of them went to the LA County Courthouse during the OJ trial and played circus music as the lawyers entered the courthouse. Or of the USC game when, during the halftime show, the Stanford band performed show complete with formations of a knife and a bloody glove, as well as a white Ford Bronco circling the field. That cleverness is reason enough to pick the Cardinal.

TEXAS -32 Colorado
Texas is really good, but Colorado isn't nearly as bad as they have been recently. The Professor hates large spreads and the Buffs have at least the ability to score points with an explosive, yet erratic offense. I spoke with Gopher coach Tim Brewster in preparation for this game, but he gave me nothing to go on. All I got from him was one-liners about hot chili, bear hunting and rock pounding. Thanks, buddy.

tcu -10 AIR FORCE
It's The Professor's Ro-Tel Service Academy Game of the Week. And the only way I know how to give you my pick is to sing. So, here goes:

Off we go into the wild blue yonder,
Climbing high into the sun;
Here they come zooming to meet our thunder,
At 'em boys, Give 'er the gun!
Down we dive, spouting our flame from under,
Off with one hell of a roar!
We live in fame or go down in flame.
Nothing can stop the U.S. Air Force!

Florida -8 LSU
It's the marquee game of the week and The Professor doesn't really care a lick about it. Blah, blah, blah Tim Tebow's brain. Blah, blah, blah Death Valley. Blah, blah, blah racist fans. All I know is some graphic I saw on ESPN. It said something about the last five top-ranked teams to go on the road against a top five team have all lost...or something to that effect. That's enough for me.

IOWA -8 Michigan
Time of some real number crunching to figure this one out. To do that, I talked to famous college football handicapper Brain Ballarini. He gave me the following breakdown:

Michigan is 2-6 against the spread in the last eight head-to-head meetings. Hawkeyes +1
The underdog in this series is 7-1 ATS. Wolverines +1.
The Wolverines are 7-1 ATS on the road as an underdog in the last eight games. Wolverines +1

That's 2-1 in favor of the Wolverines. Listen to the numbers, friends, and you'll win big by following The Professor.

Don't be fooled by Steve Stellar and his archival memory of games from the 1980s. Don't be swayed by KCKCKCK's sponsored picks. Don't let the Cornerman's East Coast bias and East Coast attitude influence your Midwestern sensibilities. And, for the love of God, please don't let a degenerate gambler like The Host take your money. He's just going to throw it on the WNBA and MLS. Be smart. Be educated. Go to class with The Professor.

Thus concludes The Professor's Smart Money Picks.