The Professor would like to welcome Lockrem's Locks from the
depths of obscurity and mediocrity to the rarefied air near the top of the Pick
'Em Corner standings. Note I said "near the top" as yours truly is again
at the pinnacle of the Big Ten's premier college football
gambling/prognosticating program. Enjoy your time with the elite, Lockrem's
Locks, it surely won't last.
Turning to this week’s games, The Professor would like to express
his sincere and heartfelt hatred of all things Badger. From the
skunk-stuffed-in-a-popcorn-box look of mascot Bucky, to Camp Randall’s love
affair of one-hit wonder House of Pain, to insufferable head coach Bret Bielema,
to Badger football fans’ ridiculously short memory, to the sullying of the
color red until the end of time, this is a program that inspires loathing,
disgust and abhorrence. Plus, The Professor’s kids are fond of saying, “Wisconsin
smells like poop and cheese” and “Bucky is yucky.” And who are we to argue?
Without further
ado, sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and enjoy the lecture, for these are
The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen.
OHIO STATE -18.5 Purdue
The Boilermakers are who we thought they were! And the Buckeyes
aren’t going to let them off the hook.
WISCONSIN -17.5 Minnesota
Every fiber in my being wants to pick Wisconsin, but Schadenfreude
and hate are far too strong of forces to repel. That being said, the evidence
of an upcoming Badger romp is daunting. Namely, road game, one hobbled QB and
another unconfident QB, injuries up the wazoo, Minnesota’s inability to stop
the inside run and all the stats that say this game will be over by halftime. Oh
well, at least we have hockey. This pick is brought to you by Gasthof zur Gemutlichkeit.
Nebraska -6.5
NORTHWESTERN
As bad as the Gophers played last week against the ‘Cats, they
still somehow had a chance to tie the game up late. What that tells me is that
Northwestern isn’t as good as some of the experts (read: KCKCKCK) think. The
Huskers are in a different class and will prove it with a resounding road
victory.
MICHIGAN -10 Michigan State
Do I believe Sparty will win this game? No. But I do believe
humorless Mark Dantonio will have MSU fired up to at least keep this one close.
NAVY -2.5 Indiana
Anchors Aweigh is both the name of the Navy fight song and the slogan
of Indiana’s sinking season.
IOWA -3 Penn State
The Angry Iowa Running Back Hating God (AIRBHG)
rose up and smited yet another Hawkeye tailback, injuring Gopher-killer Mark
Weisman last week in the win over Michigan State. Apparently, AIRBHG takes The
Professor’s side on the Schadenfreude angle.
OKLAHOMA STATE -14 Iowa
State
What have the Cowboys done to deserve the label of a 14-point
favorite in this game? It can’t be the uninspiring 20-14 win over Kansas last
week, nor their 0-2 mark against ranked teams this season. Iowa State has been
impressive this season, taking down Iowa and TCU, and putting up big fights
against Texas Tech and Kansas State. DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND?
EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK!
EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It's The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of
the Week, brought to you by National American University!
Rutgers -5.5 TEMPLE
Looks like Steve Stellar’s East Coast Bias has reared its ugly
head once again.
LSU -3.5 TEXAS A&M
I saw something on ESPN about the speed of the Aggie QB. And that’s
why I’m taking A&M. MY KNOWLEDGE OF THE SEC IS ASTOUNDING.
Stanford -2.5 CAL
This one goes out to long-time friend of The Professor and
Stanford band alum, Bill/Dave. Everyone called him Bill/Dave because no one was
ever sure what his first name was. Is it Bill? Is it Dave? We’re still not
quite sure. Anyway, Bill/Dave absolutely hates the Dirty Golden Bears, and
since this is Hate Week v. 2, I’m siding with the guy with two first names.
NOTRE DAME -13.5 BYU
For the first time this season, The Professor is abandoning the Schadenfreude
angle. As much as I hate it, Notre Dame is putting together a magical season
and the Irish aren’t going to let a bunch of Mormons with Mitt Romney tattoos
derail their march to a BCS bowl.
FLORIDA -3.5 South
Carolina
I think I saw somewhere that Marcus Lattimore is banged up and may
not play. That’s enough for me.
Texas Tech -1 TCU
Whoever is setting the lines for Big 12 games this week has The
Professor stumped. Texas Tech just throttled West Virginia 49-14, while TCU has
its best QB in treatment for substance abuse.
USC -40.5 Colorado
I know the Buffs are flat-out awful, but I just have a feeling
they’ll stick around enough to keep it within the number here.
Georgia -27.5 KENTUCKY
That’s an awful lot of points for an SEC game, but Kentucky has
turned its attention to the hardwood where they actually have a chance to win a
game or two.
WEST VIRGINIA -2.5 Kansas
State
Everyone knew the Mountaineers couldn’t stop anybody, but now
Texas Tech has provided the blueprint on how to actually stop the Mountaineers.
Alabama -20 TENNESSEE
ROLL! TIDE! TURKEY!
MISSISSIPPI STATE -19.5 Middle
Tennessee
The Tim Brewster Theorem states that any game involving TREMENDOUS WIN
FIGHT TRY Mississippi State assistant coach Tim Brewster should be picked in
favor of BULLDOG NATION’s opponent when the spread seems reasonable if it
involved any other coach. Therefore, go Blue Raiders!
Cincinnati -7 TOLEDO
It’s The Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams
Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game, brought to you by RO*TEL!
[Analysis not provided]
Florida State -20.5 MIAMI
And I’ve run out of gas. Much like the Canes will surely do to
disappoint me and Steve Stellar once again.
Thus concludes
The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen.
2012 Pick ‘Em Corner Standings (locks in
parentheses)
1. The
Professor – 83-58 (5-2) – 93 pts
2. Lockrem’s Locks – 80-60 (5-2) - 90 pts
3. The Cornerman – 78-63 (5-2) – 88 pts
4. Jeff Leach – 80-63 (2-4) – 84 pts
4. The Host – 76-65 (4-3) – 84 pts
6. Steve Stellar – 73-68 (5-2) – 83 pts
7. KCKCK – 74-67 (4-3) – 82 pts
8. C-Noth – 66-75 (4-3) – 74 pts
9. Wick to Click – 65-76 (3-3) – 71 pts
10. Strickly Cash – 65-76 (1-6) – 67 pts
11. Special G – 60-61 (2-4) – 64 pts
12. Money Traen – 55-65 (3-3) – 61 pts
12. The Veteran – 59-61 (1-5) – 61 pts
14. Miss Money –54-68 (1-4) – 56 pts
15. LFK – 6-12 (no lock ) 6 pts
The Professor in
2012 Pick 'Em Corner
Overall record: 83-58
(.589)
Statistically-Proven
Locks: 5-2 (.714)
Games involving
Big Ten teams: 30-22 (.577)
Games not
involving Big Ten teams: 53-36 (.596)
Minnesota games:
2-4 (.333)
Schadenfreude
Games (Wisconsin, Iowa, Notre Dame): 10-9 (.526)
Service Academy
Games: 2-7 (.222)
Does Anybody
Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game?
Games: 4-3 (.571)
Roll Tide Turkey
Games: 3-2 (.600)
