Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 5 Smart Money Picks
UCLA -4 ARIZONA STATE
The
Sun Devils’ color scheme is attractive. Powder blue and gold is lame, kind of
like the elbow of the Bruins QB. DEVILS!!!
GEORGIA -17 Tennessee
Rocky
Top is a catchy, but eventually annoying song. Meanwhile, Uga makes me smile.
Go Dawgs.
Army -15 YALE
On
July 14, 2011 now-Army employee Jason Butikofer hit for the cycle in a 20-14
win for mediocre softball team Weekend at Bierman over the Seville Sluggers. In
that same game, now-Yale employee went 1-for-4. Advantage: Army. On brave old
Army team!
Florida State -19 NC STATE
This
a rare non-Wisconsin/Iowa/Notre Dame Schadenfreude pick for The Professor, but
the Seminoles, their law-breaking QB and their obnoxious tight ends coach
deserve the hate. Go Wolfpack.
TEXAS A&M -9 Arkansas (in
Dallas)
Bert
Bielema is a douchebag. Go Aggies.
Temple -5 UCONN
It’s the Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two
Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game (DAOtLotTTIACATG?G), brought
to you by Casa de Autos. Please
kill me.
Stanford -8 WASHINGTON
I
have a friend who went to Stanford who played in the band, got two degrees
before I got one and is now a real professor at a Big Ten university. I have no
such connection to Washington. Go Cardinal.
SOUTH CAROLINA -6 Missouri
Missouri
lost to Indiana. At home. Let that sink in. INDIANA. AT HOME. THEY LOST TO INDIANA
AT HOME. Go Cocks.
UTAH -13 Washington State
Quiz
time for Mrs. Money (who is somehow in third place in Pick ‘em Corner despite
having absolutely no clue about anything in college football): To what
conference do the Utah Utes belong? (She has no idea and she’s 11 games above
.500 in PeC. Embarrassing.) Go Cougars.
MIAMI -7 Duke
Miami
will be underwater in a few years. Raleigh will not. DEVILS!!!
Baylor -21 IOWA STATE
I
love you Cyclones for posting the Schedenfreudiest win of the year over Mr. Money’s
woeful Iowa squad, but I can’t shake the feeling that that game was all you
have up your sleeve this season. Go Bears.
Notre Dame -12 SYRACUSE
Breathe
if you hate Notre Dame. Go Orange.
USC -9 Oregon State
I
do not have Beaver Fever. I will also not watch this game. Someone tell me how
it turns out. Go Trojans.
MICHIGAN STATE -31 Wyoming
Sparty
has big muscles. Pistol Pete does not. Go Spartans.
RUTGERS -12 Tulane
Below
is a photo of the Tulane mascot (an oversized pelican, I think) trying to eat
an old woman. That’s mean. Go Knights.
PENN STATE -11 Northwestern
In
general, if you have purple in your uniform, you suck. Go Nits.
WISCONSIN -34 South Florida
Wisconsin
smells of poop and cheese. Go Bulls.
Iowa -10 PURDUE
A
loss to Purdue will rekindle the Iowa football dumpster fire. Usually a dumpster
fire really stinks, but not an Iowa football tire fire. Boiler Up!
INDIANA -5 Maryland
It’s The Professor’s Points-A-Plenty Game of the Week,
brought to you by Breezy Point Resort. Indiana can’t have nice things, so
beware of this pick, but it’s hard to cheer against the plucky Hoosiers and so
easy to cheer against Jim Delany’s East Coast Bias. Go Hoosiers.
MICHIGAN -12 Minnesota
DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK!
EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It’s The Professor’s Statistically-Proven Lock
of the Week, brought to you by National American University! This game is gonna
be … U! G! L! Y! You ain’t got no alibi. You’re ugly! You’re ugly! Michigan is
a hot mess with a question mark at QB, a young and not-very-good offensive line,
and a propensity (look it up, Mrs. Money) for just handing the ball to their
opponents. Minnesota, meanwhile, has a question mark at QB and legitimately has
no idea that the forward pass is legal. Expect a 9-6 game. Whoever wins, modern
college football loses. Go Gophers.
OHIO STATE -16 Cincinnati
Topic:
A bearcat is neither a bear nor a cat. Discuss. Go Bucks.
NEBRASKA -20 Illinois
The
Tim Beckman Axiom is moving closer and closer from theory to fact. Go Huskers.
2014 Pick ‘em Corner Standings
(locks in parentheses)
1. Mr. Money - 52-35-1 (3-1) – 58
pts
2. C-Noth – 49-38-1 (2-2) – 53 pts
3. Mrs. Money – 49-38-1 (1-3) – 51
pts
4. The Host – 43-44-1 (3-1) – 49
pts
5. Lockrem’s Locks – 44-43-1 (1-2)
– 48 pts
5. Steve Stellar – 42-45-1 (3-1) –
48 pts
7. Big Game Bob – 39-46-1 (3-0) –
45 pts
8. The Cornerman – 42-45-1 (1-3) –
44 pts
9. KCKCKCK – 41-46-1 (1-2) – 43
pts
9. You Picks Ain’t Schmidt –
39-48-1 (2-2) – 43 pts
11. The Professor – 40-47-1 (1-3) –
42 pts
11. The Veteran – 40-47-1 (1-3) –
42 pts
13. Wick to Click –40-47-1 (1-3) –
42 pts
14. Larry Traversie – 38-49-1
(1-3) – 40 pts
15. Strickly Cash – 35-52-1 (1-3)
– 37 pts
16. Money Traen – 20-25 (1-0) – 22
pts
17. The Line
Adjuster – 0-0 (0-0) – 0 pts
17.
Foreman’s Forecast – 0-0 (0-0) – 0 pts
17.
auto-MATT-ic – 0-0 (0-0) – 0 pts
The Professor
in 2014 Pick 'Em Corner
Overall
record: 40-47-1 (.460)
Statistically-Proven
Locks: 1-3 (.250)
Games
involving Big Ten teams: 23-27 (.460)
Games not
involving Big Ten teams: 17-20-1 (.461)
Minnesota
games: 1-3 (.250)
Schadenfreude
Games (Wisconsin, Iowa, Notre Dame): 6-4 (.600)
Service
Academy Games: 1-3 (.250)
Does Anybody
Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game?
Games: 1-3 (.250)
Roll Tide Turkey
Games: 1-2-1 (.375)
Tim Beckman
Axiom Games: 2-2 (.500)
Professor’s
Point-A-Plenty Games: 1-3 (.250)
