It's Come to This: Gopher Radio Network Giving Away Radios So Someone Will Listen to Dave Lee

In what can only be labeled a sign of declining revenue due to sagging ratings, the Gopher Radio Network, a division of Learfield Sports, sent an e-mail to Gopher football season ticket holders Thursday, offering a free Live Sports Radio for Minnesota's final home game this Saturday against South Dakota State. Reports out of Plano, Texas, the home of Learfield Sports, indicate that the free radio offer is an attempt to woo back listeners to the Gopher Radio Network who have grown disillusioned since Dave Lee became the team's play-by-play voice in 2002.

"I'll be honest with you. I find Dave Lee as unlistenable as the next guy," Stan Koenigsfeld, Learfield Sports Executive Vice President for the Heartland Region, said. "But apparently he's the best play-by-play guy the people at the Gopher Radio Network can come up with. I must admit, it doesn't say much for the radio talent in the Twin Cities, but at least now, with this great offer from the folks at Live Sports Radio, people won't have to pay to listen to him during the game."

Ironically, over the past eight seasons, countless Minnesota football fans have uttered the words, "You couldn't pay me to listen to Dave Lee call Gopher football." Those fans have now been proven somewhat prophetic, thanks to this free radio offer.

The Live Sports Radios were previously available for purchase at home football games for $20 each. According to documents obtained by Mr. Heavyfoot, the Gopher Radio Network and Live Sports Radio pushed for this offer after discovering a ridiculous surplus of Minnesota-branded radios in a Mariucci Arena supply room.

"We don't really want to offer free radios to our season ticket holders, but our hands are tied on this one," a Gopher Radio Network staffer said on condition of anonymity as they were not authorized to speak to members of the media. "We have so damned many of these radios it's not even funny. But look at it this way. Here's your chance to listen to Dave Lee and those other two guys live and free from your seat at TCF Bank Stadium. Never mind that Dave Lee is the worst play-by-play guy in the history of sports. It's free! Never mind that listening to Dave Lee call the game, with NO DELAY mind you, may make it impossible for you to actually follow what's happening on the field. It's free! Did I mention it's free?"

Ratings for Gopher football on the radio have been declining ever since Lee took over the play-by-play duties from the legendary Ray Christensen, the voice of Golden Gopher football and men's basketball from 1951-2001. Lee may be perhaps best known for his complete and utter inability to describe what is happening on the field in crucial moments, from the infamous "Touchdown Ellerson!" call against Northwestern in 2003, to the thoroughly confusing botched punt call against Wisconsin in 2005, to the "...throw across the middle...It's caught!...The Gophers have it!...Touchdown Gophers!" call in describing the game-clinching 59-yard touchdown on a wild deflection from Nick Tow-Arnett to Duane Bennett in Minnesota's 42-34 win over Michigan State on Oct. 31, 2009.

The Gopher Radio Network did see a huge spike in ratings early in the second half of Minnesota's home-opening game against Air Force on Sept. 12, leading some to believe that radio listeners were willing to give Lee another shot. Unfortunately for Lee and Learfield Sports, that wasn't the case.

"Our ratings went through the roof during the Gophers' first offensive series in the second half against Air Force," the anonymous Gopher Radio Network staffer said. "We were ecstatic. We thought with the excitement of the new stadium and the new season, our fans listening to the game on the radio were giving us another chance to win them back. Turns out they were just tuning in to hear Ray Christensen again. After that series, our ratings went back down to where they've been since 2002. What does it say about our current radio situation that people would rather listen to an 82-year-old man than Dave Lee? Don't answer that."

In related news, reports out of Plano indicate that the executives at Learfield Sports are pushing the Gopher Radio Network management to dump Lee in favor of this guy:

Report: Tim Brewster Will Not Tolerate Obesity

According to reports out of the Gibson-Nagurski Football Complex on the campus of the University of Minnesota, head football coach Tim Brewster (Phillipsburg, N.J.) has no tolerance for the obese and will not tolerate fat people in his midst.

Brewster's distaste for the overweight came to light last week when the Gopher gridiron boss used his account on the social networking site Twitter (Play4Brew) to insult portly Minneapolis Star-Tribune columnist Patrick Reusse. The Twitter post, below, was quickly deleted after Brewster's bosses deemed the "tweet" inappropriate, immature and unbecoming of a Gopher, but Brewster has vowed to continue his fight against fat people.

"On the record, I did not post that comment on Twitter and I don't know how it got on there. Might have been my boy Berezowitz," Brewster said over a bowl of hot chili. "Off the record, you're damn right I wrote that and it would still be up there if it wasn't for my panty waisted bosses in the administration. I'll tell you what, buddy, it's time Gopher Nation stands up to Reusse and all of his fat friends."

Apparently, Brewster's distaste for the overweight began after the reputed super-recruiter lost a heated battle for blue chip Cretin-Derham Hall wide receiver Michael Floyd to Notre Dame, a program led by the beefy Charlie Weis. Brewster took the loss hard, and chose to vent his disappointment by insulting the weight and appearance of the Irish head coach.

"Weis is a slob, a disgrace to Notre Dame, with his dirty mouth and appearance," Brewster said, according to a report on the now-defunct blog Paging Jim Shikenjanski. "Notre Dame will never recruit another Minnesota player until Weis is under 350 pounds."

Since making that statement, Brewster has proved prophetic as the 2009 and 2010 Fighting Irish recruiting classes have, so far, been absent of any Minnesotans. According to rumors out of Gibson-Nagurski, Brewster has chalked up that success to his crusade against the porcine and plump.

Brewster's aversion for the obese went to another level during halftime of Minnesota's 42-21 loss to Kansas in the 2008 Insight Bowl. The Jayhawks, led by the ample-sized Mark Mangino, owned a 28-14 lead at the break that they would not relinquish. Incensed by his team giving up a lead midway through the second quarter, Brewster, once again, chose to roast his coaching opponent.

"Coach Brew was his usual optimistic and positive self before the game and during the first half," former student manager Dominic Lade said. "But at halftime, out came a side of Brewster I had never seen before. He was ranting and raving about how much of a 'fat slob that Mangino is,' and how 'that Syracuse Orange lookalike had no business being on the same field as the Golden Gophers.' Coach Brew had no interest in making halftime adjustments. He just wanted to insult Coach Mangino."

Brewster's dislike of the overweight has several members of the Golden Gopher offensive and defensive lines worried for their future with the program. Minnesota's seven 300-pound linemen - Matt Carufel, Garrett Brown, Chris Bunders, Ned Tavale, Jewhan Edwards, Dom Alford and Jeff Wills - have enlisted the help of the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance in a preemptive strike against any tactics Brewster may use in his war against the overweight.

"Coach Brew has always told us, that if you're going bear hunting, you better be prepared to go get the bear," sophomore defensive tackle Jewhan Edwards (6-2, 324) said. "The bear for us is coach's alleged dislike of the hefty and husky set. Well, we're not going to slay the bear without the help of NAAFA. We're just making sure Coach Brew keeps true to his word when he says this is a big man's game."

According to documents obtained by Mr. Heavyfoot, NAAFA will provide legal counsel to the stout septet should Brewster decide to take his anti-fat people crusade to his own players.

"Mr. Brewster's apparent campaign against the fat is just another in a long line of actions taken against the big, brawny, bulky, burly and even the big-boned in recent years," NAAFA founder and president William Fabrey said. "His level of vitriol and maliciousness toward the roly-poly is troubling to all of us at NAAFA."

Despite the negative publicity received from local and national media and bloggers, Brewster has been unapologetic toward his distaste for the corpulent.

"Hey, buddy, I'll tell you what. I think it's very, very, very tremendous how this nation has turned its attention away from defeating Big Tobacco in favoring of defeating fatsos. Even Fat Pat is noticing the impact he's having on the environment (link). It just goes to show you that ol' Coach Brewster knows what he's talking about.

"I'm real. I'm raw. At times, I'm real raw. I don't care if I offend people when I say I'm against all things fat, overweight and obese. I'm also against the way the words your and you're sound alike but are spelled differently and mean completely different things. Stupid spellcheck."

A Perfect Storm of Hilarity

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The following things really did happen at the Nov. 17 Minnesota vs. Wisconsin football game at the Metrodome.

• Drunk mid-50s Wisconsin woman in Badger windbreaker drunk in stairwell. Lost motor functions. Falling asleep in stairwell. Lied down. Still kept drinking her beer.
• Wisconsin male fan projectile vomited in concourse trying to make it to the bathroom.
• Press box PA guy mocked twice by two 10-year old boys including once with soft serve ice cream.
• Media member (from badgerblitz.com) escorted out of press box after he appeared stoned or drunk. Got into brief altercation with Minneapolis Spokesman-Recorder reporter Charles Hallman. Sat in wrong seat twice. Slept entire second quarter until U of M Athletic Communications staffer had to awake him. When he woke up, he had a puddle of drool on his face.
• Other random drunk Wisconsin fans. Random Iowa State girl that wanted the Cyclone score.
• Gopher Director of Football Operations Randy Taylor firing up crowd all game, waving towel.
• Gopher strength coach Mark Hill getting in the face of official.
• Gopher Recruiting Coordinator Berezowitz running 60 yards after side judge not to mention running on field on numerous occasions and using his signature fake flag throw maneuver. Stat crew staffer yelling, "There Goes Berezowitz !"
• Overcelebration on Gopher sidelines on numerous occasions.
• Stat crew staffer naming random woman "Jizz Hair."
• The season's final appearance of Teddy K.
• U of M athletics money going to waste once again as Minnesota's Special Forces mat (think Twister or Jump to Conclusion) goes unused.
• Someone leaving piles of propaganda in the press box, encouraging media members to vote for Patrick Reusse as the Turkey of the Year. Language looks suspiciously like that of the speech Roy Griak gave earlier that week.
• Wisconsin coach Bret Bielema sprinting across the field at the end of the game to shake hands (albeit for a nanosecond) with Minnesota coach Tim Brewster.
• Brewster's lengthy, daggger-throwing stare in Bielema's direction as the Badger boss sprinted away.

To listen to KFAN's Dan Barreiro opine on the drunken buffoonery that took place in and around the press box, go here and listen to the Nov. 18 Sunday Sermon (his take on the events of the day is near the end of the piece).

And now, for no good reason but for the fact that we love seeing and reading about Bucky getting his ass kicked, we bring you this and this:

It Was Only a Matter of Time: Brewster Leads Goof Troop Into Bottom 10

Well, Tim Brewster the esteemed leader of Gopher Nation and head coach of the Goof Troop football team, has now managed to do two things no other head football coach at the University has done before. First, there was the first-ever loss to a Division I-AA team. Embarrassing? Of course. Surprising? Nope.

Now, the Brew Crew has led the Goof Troop into the national rankings - ESPN's Bottom 10. Never in the sometimes-illustrious history of Golden Gopher football has a team entered these rankings. Minnesota sits firmly at No. 6, sandwiched between fellow 1-7 juggernauts Northern Illinois and Idaho. Embarassing? Of course. Surprising? Nope.

The question is, how is the provider of the Gopher Nation Stat of the Week going to spin the Maroon and Gold's 1-7 record, losses to Bowling Green, Florida Atlantic and North Dakota State, and the No. 6 spot in the Bottom 10?

Gopher Nation Stat of the Week

Hello Gopher Nation. As you know last week we were so very, very tremendously close to winning our epic showdown between two of the most tremendously high-flying offenses in the Big Ten if not the nation. Those are the kind of offenses that you will see in Pasadena playing on championship dirt. Now our championship dirt is still in the process of materializing, but when we step foot into TCF Bank Stadium in 2009 you will some first-class championship dirt along with some first-class Rose Bowl caliber football.

Now on to the Gopher Nation Good News Stat of the Week. As you know we are welcoming our great friends from Fargo down to one of the great college football venues in the nation in the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome and I have had people ask me from all over the Twin Cities (and North Dakota) how they can get tickets for this week's game. I just tell them to call 1-800-UGOPHER and come join Gopher Nation for an epic showdown between two of the best programs in the Upper Midwest.

On to the stat: As we all know Appalachian State pulled off a tremendous upset against Michigan earlier in the year as the No. 1 team in the football championship subdivision. Well since then App. State has lost to Wofford and our friends from Fargo have taken over the No. 1 spot in the FCS poll. On top of that, recent developments have made the Ohio State Buckeyes the No. 1 team in the nation in 1-A. Now you remember how the Buckeyes barely escaped the Metrodome when they tangled with the Gophers earlier this year.

Well when we are done with North Dakota State this week, the Gophers will be the only team in the nation to have played a team ranked No. 1 in the FCS and in the BCS this year. Of course Michigan will join us on this esteemed list at the end of the year, but for now it is just the Goof Troop.

This week, we figured we would give a bonus stat as well: After this week, Minnesota will have faced four different teams this year that entered the contest with an undefeated record.

Miami (Ohio) was 1-0
Purdue was 4-0
Ohio State was 4-0 and is 7-0
North Dakota State is 6-0

So you see what a tremendously difficult task we have been up against this year. Rest assured when the end of the season comes, Gopher Nation will prevail over all these mighty obstacles.

Gopher Nation Stat of the Week

We know some of you may think that this 1-5 start may have dampened the spirits of Tim Brewster and Gopher Nation. We are here to tell it is quite the opposite, and that Gopher Nation is just fine, thank you. Each week in the spirit of Coach Brewster and Gopher Nation, we will bring you the nauseatingly positive stat that will help make excuses for the little detour that will lead Gopher Nation astray from the 2008 Rose Bowl.

This week's stat:

Minnesota's first six opponents have a combined record of 11-2 in their respective conferences. Those Owls, Red Hawks and Falcons are not to be taken lightly (We are surprised Patrick Reusse did not look at all those nicknames and say the Gophers pre-conference schedule is for the Birds, literally and figuratively).

Bowling Green - 1-0 in the MAC East
Miami (Ohio) - 2-0 (Gopher Nation's proudest victory of the 2007 season)
Florida Atlantic - 2-0 in the Sun Belt
Purdue - 1-1 in the Big Ten
Ohio State - 3-0 in the Big Ten
Indiana - 2-1 in the Big Ten

We will be back with next week's fact of the week. Remember recruit 24/7/365 or was that Recruit/Retain/Reward. Whatever.