Pick 'em Corner: The Professor's Week 14 Smart Money Picks

The Evil Red Menace from the East killed our buzz at TCF Bank Stadium last week, so here’s a sad puppy.

Let’s forget about last week’s game and move on, shall we? Wait, first kudos to the game operations staff for this:

And this:

Moving on. The Professor put little effort into last week’s picks and was rewarded with a winning record. In the immortal words of Homer Simpson, “Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.”

http://youtu.be/nhjGoaKf52s

Finally, on this Thanksgiving, don’t forget to give thanks for the nation’s, nay, world’s premier college football gambling/handicapping/prognostication program – Pick ‘em Corner. And thanks to you, The Professor’s Pupils and the entire Pick ‘em Corner community, for your support of The Professor’s Smart Money Picks. I couldn’t do it without you. Well, I could, but then only my parents would be reading this drivel (which is probably the case already).

Sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and enjoy the lecture, for these are The Professor’s Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen. Bet Smart ®

Ole Miss -7 MISSISSIPPI STATE (Tim Brewster Game of the Week)
It’s the Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game (DAOtLotTTIACATG?G), brought to you by Casa de Autos. The Brew Crew didn’t work at Ole Miss, so Hotty Toddy.

 LSU -24.5 Arkansas
#Karma

Fresno State -8.5 SAN JOSE STATE

I can’t believe I’m doing this for a Mountain West or WAC or Big West game, but I am. DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It’s The Professor’s Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University! The Bulldogs are still undefeated and put up points in bunches. The Spartans aren’t and don’t.

WASHINGTON -14.5 Washington State
Seattle >>>> Pullman

Miami -2.5 PITTSBURGH

This is the kind of game Miami sleepwalks through, but I just can’t believe a mediocre Pitt team can stay within 3 points of a talented, yet schizophrenic Hurricanes squad.

OREGON -21.5 Oregon State

Well, the Ducks have gone south, haven’t they? I’ll let myself out. 

NEBRASKA -3 Iowa

I’ve got nothing here aside from a healthy case of Schadenfreude, so I’ll use this game as an excuse to post this again:

Florida State -31.5 FLORIDA

Something is fishy here. Methinks the spread should be in the 40s after the Gators lost last week to a directional Georgia school, while the Noles put up 80 on an actual state in Idaho.

NORTH CAROLINA -5 Duke

Royal blue > baby blue

Kansas State -16 KANSAS

Elderly head coach > morbidly obese head coach

Virginia Tech -13 VIRGINIA (East Coast Bias Game)

Sung in the old Yahoo jingle: “Wa-hooooooo-ooo-ooo!”

http://youtu.be/Fm5FE0x9eY0

Baylor -13 TCU

Baylor haz a sad but TCU is a mess. Take the Baylor Tarp.

Georgia -3 GEORGIA TECH

[insert something about the difficulty of defending the triple option here]

Alabama -10.5 AUBURN (Roll Tide Turkey Game of the Week)

Nick Saban is playing chess while the rest of us play checkers. And we’re not good at checkers. Roll! Tide! Turkey!

SOUTH CAROLINA -5.5 Clemson

I’m taking Clemson here solely because I loathe those douchebags that wear those hats with the word COCKS on em because they say COCKS and that’s so hilarious/edgy.

STANFORD -14 Notre Dame

Little known fact: Rudy was indicted for securities fraud. I hate Rudy and I hate Notre Dame. NERDS!

MISSOURI -4.5 Texas A&M

Dear Mrs. Money,

Identify the mistake in the following sentence about this game: “This is a classic Big 12 match-up pitting the one-loss Tigers against the disappointing Aggies.” Good luck.

Signed,

The Professor

USC -3.5 UCLA

Ok, fine, I’ll jump on the Coach O bandwagon … probably just in time for him to regress to his time coaching in the SEC.

ARIZONA STATE -12 Arizona

The Professor still has a soft spot in his heart the maroon-and-gold clad Sun Devils, thanks to their hilarious Schadenfreude win over Bucky earlier this season. DEVILS!!!

HAWAI’I -6.5 Army (Service Academy Game of the Week)

Island warfare is more of the Marines’ business, but picking Hawaii here is a vote against liberty, justice and the American way. ON BRAVE OLD ARMY TEAM!

MICHIGAN STATE -14.5 Minnesota
It’s just far easier to cheer for Jerry Kill than Mark Dantonio, isn’t it?

Ohio State -14.5 MICHIGAN

The Wolverines are a disaster and OSU is still aiming for a shot at the national title. Brutus gets brutal on Michigan in the Big House. Brady Hoke eats three full chocolate cakes to console himself.

Northwestern -3.5 ILLINOIS

The Tim Beckman Axiom actually worked last week, so I’m testing the hypothesis again. Go Cats.

WISCONSIN -24 Penn State

The Gophers gave the blueprint for how to beat Wisconsin – stop the run, force mediocre QB Stave to pass, don’t turn the ball over, make some big plays on offense. Unfortunately, Minnesota only met criteria 1 and 2. Look for Penn State to use that formula to better results this week. Also, I hate Wisconsin with a passion usually reserved for terrorists and pickles.

INDIANA -21 Purdue

Apparently, the Hoosiers forgot that they have a good offense. Purdue is a bad American football team, but they gained some confidence against an OK offense last week in Illinois. Expect IU to win because Purdue will do Purdue things, but it will be closer than the experts think.

 2013 Pick ‘em Corner Standings (locks in parentheses)

1. Steve Stellar – 139-116-6 (5-8) – 149 pts

1. Wick to Click – 131-124-6 (9-4) – 149 pts

3. KCKCKCK – 134-123-6 (7-6) – 148 pts

3. Money Traen - 130-124-6 (9-4) – 148 pts

5. Strickly Cash 137-118-6 (5-7-1) – 147 pts

6. C-Noth - 130-125-6 (7-5-1) – 144 pts

7. Mrs. Money – 123-130-5 (10-3) – 143 pts

8. The Cornerman 132-123-6 (5-7) – 142 pts

9. The Veteran 126-129-6 (7-6) – 140 pts

10. Mr. Money - 124-128-6 (7-6) – 138 pts

11. The Professor – 125-130-6 (6-7) – 137 pts

12. Big-Game Bob – 121-130-5 (6-7) – 133 pts

12. Larry the Cash Guy – 121-134-6 (6-7) – 133 pts

14. Lockrem’s Locks - 113-123-4 (9-3) – 131 pts

15. Your Picks Ain’t Schmidt – 99-116-6 (6-5) – 111 pts

16. The Host - 100-115-6 (5-5) – 110 pts

17. Do You See What I Seehusen - 47-54 (1-3) – 49 pts

18. The Line Adjuster – 3-1 (0-0) – 3 pts

19. Foreman’s Forecast – 0-0 (0-0) – 0 pts

19. auto-MATT-ic – 0-0 (0-0) – 0 pts

The Professor in 2013 Pick 'Em Corner

Overall record: 125-130-5 (.490)

Statistically-Proven Locks: 6-7 (.462)

Games involving Big Ten teams: 42-59-1 (.417)

Games not involving Big Ten teams: 83-71-4 (.538)

Minnesota games: 3-8 (.273)

Schadenfreude Games (Wisconsin, Iowa, Notre Dame): 10-21-1 (.328)

Service Academy Games: 6-7 (.462)

Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Games: 7-6 (.538)

Roll Tide Turkey Games: 3-6 (.333)

Tim Beckman Axiom Games: 4-7 (.364)

Pick Em' Corner: The Professor's Week 13 Smart Money Picks

Dear Wisconsin,

I hate you.

Signed,

The Professor

Welcome to Hate Week, Part Deux. 

I'll let Silky Johnson of the Playa Hater's Ball sum up how I feel about you, Bucky. Take it away, Silky. 

On to the picks. The Professor is terrible at Pick ‘em Corner this season, so a very un-The-Professor-like method of not researching games might be the answer to a winning record this week.

Sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and enjoy the lecture, for these are The Professor’s Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen. Bet Smart ®

Duke -5 WAKE FOREST

This spread is way off. Even in a road arena, the Duke basketball team is far better than Vegas is giving them credit for … oh this is football?

KANSAS STATE -4.5 Oklahoma

You don’t just waltz into Manhattan and get back on track. Also, elderly coaches rule/are hilarious.

MIAMI (FLA.) -20 Virginia

I like Virginia’s logo/color scheme. I don’t trust Miami

FLORIDA STATE -57 Idaho

Holy large spread, Batman. Jameis squints way to a huge win, both on the field and in the corrupt Tallahassee legal system.

LSU -4.5 Texas A&M

I enjoy teams that have live dogs as mascots.

Oregon -20.5 ARIZONA

The University of Nike has too many weapons for the Cats to deal with. Also, I just ended my sentence with a preposition. You’re not supposed to do that. I did. I’m a rebel.

BYU – Pick – Notre Dame

My belief system aligns more closely with the Catholics than the Mormons.

STANFORD -31.5 Cal

What happened to Cal? Also, THE BAND IS ON THE FIELD!

Arizona State -2.5 UCLA

What has Arizona State done to deserve this respect? And what has UCLA done to deserve this disrespect? I don’t get it. Of course, I don’t watch much Pac-12 football, but I digress.

Pittsburgh -1 SYRACUSE (East Coast Bias Game of the Week)

I find Otto the Orange is amusing.

TEMPLE -8.5 UConn (MACtion Game of the Week in honor of Temple's former conference)

HOO … HOO … HOO … WHO CARES?!?

Missouri -2.5 OLE MISS

Is James Franklin back? I thought I heard he might be. See? No research done. 

Baylor -10 OKLAHOMA STATE

I would like to boycott this game on account that these two teams prevented ESPN’s College GameDay from making their first appearance in Dinkytown.

Boise State -7 SAN DIEGO STATE

 It’s the Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game (DAOtLotTTIACATG?G), brought to you by Casa de Autos. Our sponsor identifies more with the Aztecs than the Broncos.

Michigan State -7 NORTHWESTERN

DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It’s The Professor’s Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University! Like the Minnesota receiving corps, Northwestern is snakebit. Sparty, meanwhile is on a mission. WE ARE SPARTA!

IOWA -6 Michigan

Gasthof zur Gemutlichkeit threatened to pull their sponsorship if I took the Hawkeyes for a second straight week. Feel the wrath of Schadenfreude, Herky the Jerky (or Turkey, if you prefer).

Illinois -7 PURDUE

Purdue is a bad American football team … Illinois had like 137 students in the stands at home last week … the Illini coaches nearly came to blows on the sideline last week … Purdue has had this one circled on their calendar all year … Tim Beckman Axiom. Boiler Up!

PENN STATE -2 Nebraska

The Nits like the home environs. Nebraska is an enigma. Plus, the Fighting Keisers are on a high this week what Foreman’s Forecast winning a state swimming title.

OHIO STATE -34.5 Indiana

Indiana has mailed it in. Bravo, Kevin Wilson.

Wisconsin -16.5 MINNESOTA (Tim Brewster-Brett Bielma Game of the Week)

You proved me wrong last week, Goldy. And the week before that. And the week before that. And the week before THAT. Do it again. I quintuple-dog dare you.

 

 

 2013 Pick ‘em Corner Standings (locks in parentheses)

1. Wick to Click – 122-114-5 (9-3) – 140 pts

2. Money Traen - 121-114-5 (9-3) – 139 pts

2. Steve Stellar – 131-105-5 (4-8) – 139 pts

2. Strickly Cash 129-107-5 (5-6-1) – 139 pts

5. C-Noth - 122-114-5 (7-5) – 136 pts

5. KCKCKCK – 124-111-5 (6-6) – 136 pts

7. The Cornerman 123-113-5 (5-6) – 133 pts

8. Mrs. Money – 114-120-4 (9-3) – 132 pts

8. The Veteran 118-118-5 (7-5) – 132 pts

10. The Professor – 115-121-5 (5-7) – 125 pts

10. Big-Game Bob – 113-119-4 (6-6) – 125 pts

12. Mr. Money - 112-121-5 (6-6) – 124 pts

13. Lockrem’s Locks - 107-110-3 (8-3) – 123 pts

14. Larry The Cash Guy – 110-126-5 (5-7) – 120 pts

15. Your Picks Ain’t Schmidt – 91-105-5 (5-5) – 101 pts

16. The Host - 88-108-5 (5-5) – 98 pts

17. Do You See What I Seehusen - 47-54 (1-3) – 49 pts

18. The Line Adjuster – 3-1 (0-0) – 3 pts

19. Foreman’s Forecast – 0-0 (0-0) – 0 pts

19. auto-MATT-ic – 0-0 (0-0) – 0 pts

The Professor in 2013 Pick 'Em Corner

Overall record: 115-121-5 (.488)

Statistically-Proven Locks: 5-7 (.417)

Games involving Big Ten teams: 39-56-1 (.411)

Games not involving Big Ten teams: 76-65-4 (.538)

Minnesota games: 3-7 (.300)

Schadenfreude Games (Wisconsin, Iowa, Notre Dame): 9-19-1 (.328)

Service Academy Games: 6-7 (.462)

Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Games: 6-6 (.500)

Roll Tide Turkey Games: 3-6 (.333)

Tim Beckman Axiom Games: 3-7 (.300)