Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 1 Smart Money Picks

My name is The Professor. Welcome to The Professor's Smart Money Picks 101, a crucial part of the curriculum known as Pick 'Em Corner. I've been handicapping college football games for decades now and would like you to know that I am a two-time Pick 'Em Corner Big Ten Regular Season Handicapping Champion (2008, 2009). Pay no mind to my predictions for games outside the Big Ten regular season.

For those of you not familiar with The Professor and my process for handicapping college football games, I've included a brief syllabus:

1. The Professor is proud to return as the presenter of The Professor's Service Academy Game of the Week (SAGoW), brought to you by Armed Forces Network.

2. The Professor ALWAYS chooses the service academy squad in the SAGoW, no matter the matchup or spread.

3. The Professor will provide you with a weekly prediction on which to place the bulk of your bankroll. This prediction will be known as The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University.

4. The Professor will do his darndest to avoid picking Wisconsin and Iowa during the season, but ridiculous betting lines may prevent him from doing so from time to time.

5. The Tim Brewster Theorem has returned! Put out to pasture on Oct. 16, 2010 upon Brewster’s firing at Minnesota, the theorem states that any game involving TREMENDOUS Mississippi State assistant coach Tim Brewster should be picked in favor of BULLDOG NATION’s opponent when the spread seems reasonable if it involved any other coach. The related Ron Zook Postulate was retired on Nov. 27, 2011. We pray for its return.

6. From time to time, The Professor will sponsor the Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game, brought to you by RO*TEL. No analysis will be given for a game that pretty much nobody will ever pay attention to.

7. Last season, The Professor unveiled The Professor’s Schadenfreude Game of the Week, presented by Gasthof Zur Gemutlichkeit. This game prediction will include The Professor’s weekly lecture on the concept of schadenfreude.

8. The Professor's colleagues in the Pick 'Em Corner curriculum include, but are not limited to, The Host, Steve Stellar, The Cornerman, KCKCKCK, The Veteran, Miss Money, Strickly Cash, Money Traen, C-Noth, Lockrem's Locks, Foreman’s Forecast, Special G, Emily Wickstrom and a possible new member. Do not trust your money to them and their picks.

9. The Professor will use Mr. Heavyfoot (http://mrheavyfoot.blogspot.com) as the homepage for The Professor's Smart Money Picks of the Week. Given enough time and/or the hiring of a quality TA, Mr. Heavyfoot will host the Pick 'Em Corner weekly picks and standings.

10. The Professor's Smart Money Picks will be distinguished in bold (CAPS denotes home team).

Without further ado, sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and enjoy the lecture, for these are The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen.

Minnesota -8.5 UNLV 

The Gophers should be better at pretty much every position against the Runnin’ Rebels. Plus, college football will never succeed in a place like Las Vegas, what with the dry heat and all. Pay no mention to the strippers, casinos, and whorehouses.

MICHIGAN STATE -6.5 Boise State

O Kellen Moore, wherefore art thou, Kellen Moore?

Northwestern -2 SYRACUSE

I’ve got nothing here. It’s Northwestern and Syracuse, for crying out loud.

OHIO STATE -24.5 Miami (Ohio)

Never underestimate the power of Urban Planning.

PENN STATE -6 Ohio

We all know which way the Cornerman and Foreman’s Forecasts are going in this game, but please ignore them. They’re blinded by the “We Are Penn State” propaganda machine, even in the wake of all that’s occurred in Not So Happy Valley. I’m tempted to lock this one in, but feel that would be too much for our panel’s Penn Staters to bear.

ILLINOIS -10 Western Michigan

Although it’s been retired, the Ron Zook Postulate will have some residual effects for a few weeks. Sorry, Tim Beckman.

NEBRASKA -20 Southern Miss

One does not simply walk into Lincoln and hope to escape with anything more (less?) than a three-TD loss.

WISCONSIN -28 Northern Iowa

Do yourself a favor and ignore my pick here. Wisconsin and its jackass of a coach will score early, often and without mercy in this one. Nevertheless, I’m just not going to pick Bucky in a single game this season, no matter the idiotic spread. DIE IN A FIRE, BUCKY!

Iowa -10 Northern Illinois (in Chicago, Ill.)

Speaking of dying in a fire, hellloooo Iowa. Really, aside from corn, what redeeming value does Iowa have? Ever been downwind from a pig farm? It’s less than pleasant. That’s pretty much the equivalent of sharing a border with Iowa. The Russians knew what they were doing in erecting the Berlin Wall. Like keeping East Berliners in East Berlin, may I suggest an Iowa Wall to keep the Iowans where they belong … in that godforsaken state. Also, Herky is a jerky, or so my 4-year-old is fond of saying.

PURDUE -35 Eastern Kentucky

The mustache plays.

Alabama -14 Michigan (Arlington, Texas)

Do you really think Alabama will be even slightly intimidated by Michigan and/or the surroundings? Of course you don’t. On the other hand, don’t you think the Wolverines might be just a tad nervous going up against the defending national champions, in the south, in the Jerry Dome? Methinks so. In fact, DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It's The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University!

INDIANA -38 Indiana State

It’s The Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game, brought to you by RO*TEL! [No analysis necessary]

Notre Dame -15.5 Navy (Dublin, Ireland)

Double your pleasure, double your fun in this game. Why? Well, it’s both The Professor’s Schadenfreude Game of the Week, presented by Gasthof Zur Gemutlichkeit, and The Professor's Service Academy Game of the Week (SAGoW), brought to you by Armed Forces Network. First, it’s time for The Professor's weekly lecture on the concept of schadenfreude. Defined as "satisfaction or pleasure felt at someone else's misfortune," schadenfreude perfectly explains The Professor's feelings about schools like Notre Dame. In other words, I want them to lose. Every game. In embarrassing fashion. To teams like Navy. Which brings me to:

Anchors Aweigh, my boys, Anchors Aweigh.

Farewell to foreign shores, We sail at break of day, of day.

Through our last night on shore, Drink to the foam,

Until we meet once more. Here's wishing you a happy voyage home!

Clemson -3.5 AUBURN

Lightning round time. Go Tigers. I mean, go Clemson.

USC -42 Hawai’i

Go Rainbow Warriors. I mean, go Warriors.

Miami -2.5 BOSTON COLLEGE

Convicts > Catholics.

VIRGINIA TECH -7.5 Georgia Tech

I love me some Paul Johnson triple-option offense – still the offense The Professor thinks would work wonders at Minnesota. But what does The Professor know anyway? I only have a BA, Master’s and several doctorate degrees in College Football Prognosticating, Advanced Mathematical Theory, and General Studies. In addition, this is the first time this season we get to sing, "I'm a Ramblin' Wreck from Georgia Tech, and a hell of an engineer--A helluva, helluva, helluva, helluva, hell of an engineer."

Tennessee -3.5 NC STATE

[No analysis given. Yawn.]

COLORADO -6.5 Colorado State

I just read a story in SI about how Rams head coach Jim McElwain (I think that’s his name) is installing Nick Saban’s “Process” in an effort to duplicate Alabama’s success at Colorado State. That’s good enough for me. Plus, rivalry games tend to play tight, so that works in CSU’s favor too.

LSU -42.5 North Texas

Too many points for LSU to cover against a plucky North Texas squad. At least I think they’re plucky. Who’s going to disagree with me? And with that, Week 1 comes to a resounding thud.

Thus concludes The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen.