Pick 'em Corner - The Professor's Week 11 Smart Money Picks

As all of Pick ‘em Corner’s devotees know well, The Professor holds advanced degrees in Predictive Mathematical Analysis and Football Studies, making him an expert in college football prognosticating (this season’s record notwithstanding). What you may not know is that The Professor also is the panel’s preeminent voice on mascots, authoring academic papers such as “Guy in a Bear Suit,” “Fraternity of the Fur” and “ Mascots in American Sports: Is There Anything They Can’t Do?”

It is with this in mind that The Professor would like to introduce his picking method for this week’s slate of games. Heretofore, The Professor will predict the result of each game by analyzing the merits of the competing teams’ mascots. It will surely prove to be both educational and lucrative for all of The Professor’s Pupils.

These are The Professor’s Week 11 Smart Money Picks, brought to you by Tuttle’s Eat Bowl Play. Bet Smart®

Georgia -10 KENTUCKY

This is an easy one right out of the gate. Simply put, if you have a wildcat, tiger or husky for a mascot, you’re boring and unimaginative, and you’re going to have to be pretty darn special for me to think of you otherwise. Kentucky has the Wildcat. That’s it. That’s his name. Wildcat. He has no name. LAME. Meanwhile, Georgia has both Uga (a real live bulldog) and Hairy Dawg (a guy dressed amusingly as a bulldog). This one’s a slam dunk. Go Dawgs.

OKLAHOMA -6 Baylor

Good match-up here between teams with multiple living and costumed mascots. At the end of the day, however, a couple of real live bears Baylor’s Joy & Lady) easily trump a couple of Welsh Ponies (Boomer and Sooner). Go Bears.

Duke -4 SYRACUSE

Whenever I think of Syracuse, I’m reminded of a classic skit by mascot, Otto the Orange. At some venue, Otto walked onto the stage/court and stood motionless for a few seconds. Then, a single orange dropped out of his suit between his legs. Then another. Then another. What followed was bags and bags of oranges covering the stage, all emanating from inside Otto. When the last orange had dropped, Otto calmly walked away. Brilliant. Go Orange.

Georgia Tech -4 NC STATE

The plastic eyes and antennae are enough to push Georgia Tech’s Buzz over the ho-hum NC State duo of Mr. & Mrs. Wuf. Credit, though, to NC State’s live mascot, Tuffy, a Tamaskan Dog (which isn’t a wolf, nor a pack). Go Jackets.

Arizona State -2.5 NOTRE DAME

Sparky is kind of fun to look at and his color scheme is pleasing to the eye. Meanwhile, the Leprechaun might be the most punchable mascot in all the land. Go Devils.

AUBURN -21.5 Texas A&M

It’s The Professor’s Points-A-Plenty Game of the Week, brought to you by Breezy Point Resort. Tough one here. While Auburn has the – yawn – tiger for a mascot, Aubie is actually pretty entertaining. He’s historically a great dancer with a hint of goofiness. What gives Auburn the nod here, though, is Nova, aka War Eagle VII. There’s nothing more majestic than an eagle in flight. Texas A&M, meanwhile, has Lassie. Go Tigers.

UCONN -5 Army

Admittedly, I’m taking the service academy regardless of match-up, but I think the pick stands nonetheless. UConn trots out a boring Husky with a boring name – Jonathan. Army, meanwhile, has a mule. Ok, mules aren’t exactly sexy, but at least they’re unique. West Point also gets some guy to wear armor as the Black Knight, so bonus points there. Go Army.

West Virginia -4 TEXAS

The Mountaineers have a bearded guy in leather shooting a musket. Sounds like a bad Village People music video. Texas has Bevo. Enough said. Go Horns.

Iowa State -4 KANSAS

I want to take Iowa State. I really do. But when your mascot is the Cyclone and you use a red bird suit, you’ve lost me. Oh and this is the Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game (DAOtLotTTIACATG?G), brought to you by Casa de Autos. Go Jayhawks.

FLORIDA STATE -19.5 Virginia

I hate Florida State, but it’s pretty darn cool when Osceola rides Renegade to the center of the field and plants that flaming spear. Meanwhile, Virginia’s mascot is a guy dressed as a guy. I’ve never been a fan of mascots that are people. It’s creepy and kinda confusing. Go Noles.

UCLA -5 WASHINGTON

I’d prefer a tie here as I’m underwhelmed by both mascots. UCLA has the duo of Joe and Josephine Bruin. I’m sorry, but I find it just plain stupid to have separate boy and girl mascots. It reeks of a marketing department reaching for “greater female involvement.” More women being fans is great, but are you telling me that creating a female mascot is going to attract little girls to your product? Please. I guess I’ll take the run-of-the-mill Husky instead. Go Huskies.

Louisville -3 BOSTON COLLEGE

Two birds. Meh. Eagles eat cardinals. Go Eagles.

TCU -6 Kansas State

TCU’s Super Frog >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Willie the Wildcat. Go Frogs.

Florida -14.5 VANDERBILT

Easy pick. I’ll take a Gator (even with yet another ridiculous boy-girl mascot combo at Florida) over yet another guy-dressed-as-another-guy mascot. Go Gators.

Alabama -7 LSU

Another easy pick. Although I’m confused how an elephant works into the Crimson Tide theme, it’s certainly better than another tiger. Points to LSU, though, for the live tiger. Roll Tide Turkey.

ARIZONA -16.5 Colorado

A live running buffalo and a cute/hilarious costumed buffalo named Chip (get it, Mrs. Money?) vs. another wildcat (and another male-female mascot duo to boot)? Duh. Go Buffs.

Oregon -8 UTAH

 Sure, the Oregon Duck (aka Puddles) is a blatant rip-off of Donald Duck, but it’s a duck for crying out loud. I love ducks. Utah, meanwhile, has a really creepy hawk in a football uniform. Seriously, do a Google image search for Utah mascot. There’s something not quite right about Swoop. Go Ducks.

Penn State -7 INDIANA

DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It’s The Professor’s Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University! This is just about the only match-up Penn State is going to win with its crappy, looks-like-a-high-school-team’s-mascot mascot. Still, a crappy mascot beats a nonexistent mascot any day. Go Nits.

Iowa - 2 MINNESOTA

No-brainer here. Goldy is beloved across the nation. From his buck-toothed grin to his spinning head, from his mischievous antics to his national-championship-winning ways, Goldy is easily one of the nation’s top mascots. Iowa, meanwhile, has Herky (he’s a jerky!) – a bird of some sort with a big plastic helmeted head straight out of 1974. But wait! Go to any other Iowa sporting event and Herky looks completely different. That’s the most Iowa thing ever. Go Gophers.

Wisconsin -17 PURDUE

I can’t believe I’m doing this, but I cannot in good conscience pick the lord of creepiness Purdue Pete. Seriously, have you seen that thing? It’s a guy in a football uniform (showing off his own skin – what happens if a black guy wants to be Purdue Pete?) with an oversized cartoonish head in a hard hat, featuring a dead-eye stare. It’s nightmare fuel to the nth degree. I guess I’ll take the skunk in a popcorn box. But, c’mon Bucky, ditch the turtleneck (this isn’t 1989) and put on some damn pants.

Michigan -2 NORTHWESTERN

Michigan does not have a mascot. That’s the only reason I’m taking the terrible Willie the Wildcat. Go Cats.

MICHIGAN STATE -3.5 Ohio State

Sparty is awesome, aside from the ridiculous rules MSU has about him not getting taken to the ground under any circumstances (they probably don’t want anyone to get a look up his skirt). Meanwhile, Brutus is a guy with a nut for a head. Go Spartans.

Overall Standings
Mr. Money - 119-96-5 (6-4) – 131 pts
Mrs. Money – 116-99-5 (6-3) – 128 pts
Lockrem’s Locks – 113-102-5 (4-6) – 121 pts
Steve Stellar – 107-108-5 (6-3-1) – 119 pts
Your Picks Aint Schmidt – 108-107-5 (5-5) – 118 pts
The Cornerman – 107-108-5 (4-6) – 115 pts
The Host – 103-112-5 (6-4) – 115 pts
C-Noth – 108-107-5 (3-6) – 114 pts
Wick to Click –104-111-5 (4-6) – 112 pts
KCKCKCK – 99-116-5 (4-5-1) – 107 pts
Big Game Bob – 100-113-5 (3-6) – 106 pts
The Professor – 97-118-5 (4-6) – 105 pts
The Veteran – 99-116-5 (3-7) – 105 pts
Strickly Cash – 95-120-5 (3-7) – 101 pts
Larry Traversie – 96-119-5 (1-9) – 98 pts
Money Traen – 61-71-1 (2-2) – 65 pts

 

Pick 'em Corner - The Professor's Week 6 Smart Money Picks

OREGON -24 Arizona

It’s The Professor’s Points-A-Plenty Game of the Week, brought to you by Breezy Point Resort. Two bloggers on the Addicted to Quack website say this line is comically high and I’m not one to disagree with a couple of semi-anonymous bloggers from the state of Oregon. Go Cats.

KANSAS STATE -13 Texas Tech

As the saying goes, “Age before beauty.” Well, then, I’ll take old Bill Snyder over dreamboat Kliff Kingsbury. Go Wildcats.

MIAMI (OHIO) – 4 UMass (MACAttack Game of the Week)

It’s the Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game (DAOtLotTTIACATG?G), brought to you by Casa de Autos. My anti-East Coast Bias says, “Goooooo Redhawks!”

CLEMSON -15 NC State

NC State wears red. I don’t like the color red. Go Tigers.

TENNESSEE -3 Florida

My favorite Twin Cities sports columnist with the first name of Chip went to Tennessee. Go Vols.

MISSISSIPPI STATE -3 Texas A&M

As dogs go, I prefer Collies over Bulldogs. Go Aggies.

Oklahoma -5 TCU

I’m taking the Frogs here because I want to make Minnesota’s 30-7 loss to TCU look a lot better. Go Frogs.

Alabama -7 OLE MISS (Roll Tide Turkey Game of the Week)

Tailgating in The Grove looks fun … and pleasing to the eye. Hotty Toddy.

FLORIDA STATE -39.5 Wake Forest

The Tim Brewster Theorem is 2-0 in the last two weeks. Let’s make it 3-0. Go Demon Deacons.

Baylor -17 TEXAS

Remember the good ol’ days when all Texas had to do was show up and beat Baylor by three TDs? Those days are long gone. Go Bears.

Stanford -2 NOTRE DAME

I do not care for the athletic teams that play for the institute of higher education located in South Bend, IN. Go Cardinal.

Navy -4 AIR FORCE (Service Academy Game of the Week)

A big shout-out to the sponsor of this game, the Armed Forces Network. Thanks for all you do in providing commercial-free programming to our men and women in uniform. Commercial-free, yes, but, community-service-announcement-free? No. I still remember the AFN commercial that passed on the advice to eat before going grocery shopping. The jingle? “Don’t shop when you’re hungry. No, no, no.” What does this have to do with this game? Nothing. Go Middies.

AUBURN -8 LSU

Go Tigers. (Double or nothing that Mrs. Money doesn’t get it.)

USC -12 Arizona State

It’s hard to win or even cover when you don’t know how to tackle, Right, ASU. Go Trojans.

Miami -2 GEORGIA TECH (Miami Hurricanes Game of the Week)

I can see it now. Steve Stellar screaming at his TV as he gets more and more frustrated as his beloved Canes cannot figure out for the life of them how to stop the Ramblin’ Wreck triple option attack. It wouldn’t be as enjoyable as watching The Host see his paycheck go up in flames thanks to a backdoor cover, but fun nonetheless. Go Jackets.

UCLA -13 Utah

I’ve never been to Utah.

Ohio State -8 MARYLAND

DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It’s The Professor’s Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University! It’s time to show this Johnny-come-lately that we don’t care for their kind in the Big Ten. Go Bucks.

ILLINOIS -10 Purdue

Let’s face it. This game is Purdue best chance all season to get a #B1G win. Go Boilers.

INDIANA -14 North Texas

Schizophrenia has returned to Indiana football, I see. Go Hoosiers.

Wisconsin -8 NORTHWESTERN

I read that Wisconsin hasn’t won in Evanston since 1999. Also, Schadenfruede. Go Cats.

RUTGERS -3 Michigan

Schembechlerfreude: (noun). The joy other Big Ten fan bases derive from Michigan's suffering. As much as I would love to use this term that KCKCKCK turned me on to, I just can’t. Despite all the turmoil in Ann Arbor (she’s a whore, btw), I just cannot in good conscience pick East Coast Bias over Meeeechigan. Just when you think it’s time to pile more on to the Maize and Blue tire fire, a dousing rain comes in and gives Michigan hope again … until Oct. 25 vs. MSU. Go Blue.

MICHIGAN STATE -7 Nebraska

It’s time for MSU to show the college football world that the Big Ten still has at least one team worthy of respect. Go Spartans.

2014 Pick ‘em Corner Standings (locks in parentheses) 

1. Mr. Money - 65-43-2 (3-2) – 71 pts

2. C-Noth – 59-49-2 (2-2) – 63 pts

2. Mrs. Money – 59-49-2 (2-3) – 63 pts

4. The Host – 54-54-2 (4-1) – 62 pts

5. Lockrem’s Locks – 57-51-2 (1-3) – 61 pts

6. Steve Stellar – 54-54-2 (3-1-1) – 60 pts

7. The Cornerman – 53-55-2 (2-3) – 57 pts

8. Your Picks Ain’t Schmidt – 52-56-2 (2-3) – 56 pts

8. Wick to Click –54-54-2 (1-4) – 56 pts

10. Big Game Bob – 49-57-2 (3-1) – 55 pts

11. KCKCKCK – 50-58-2 (2-3) – 54 pts

11. The Professor – 50-58-2 (2-3) – 54 pts

13. The Veteran – 50-58-2 (1-4) – 52 pts

14. Larry Traversie – 48-60-2 (1-4) – 50 pts

15. Strickly Cash – 47-61-1 (1-4) – 49 pts

16. Money Traen – 30-36-1 (2-0) – 34 pts

The Professor in 2014 Pick 'Em Corner

Overall record: 50-58-2 (.464)

Statistically-Proven Locks: 2-3 (.400)

Games involving Big Ten teams: 29-30 (.492)

Games not involving Big Ten teams: 21-28-2 (.431)

Minnesota games: 2-3 (.400)

Schadenfreude Games (Wisconsin, Iowa, Notre Dame): 7-6 (.538)

Service Academy Games: 1-4 (.200)

Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Games: 2-3 (.400)

Roll Tide Turkey Games: 1-2-1 (.375)

Tim Beckman Axiom Games: 3-2 (.600)

Professor’s Point-A-Plenty Games: 1-4 (.200)

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 5 Smart Money Picks

UCLA -4 ARIZONA STATE

The Sun Devils’ color scheme is attractive. Powder blue and gold is lame, kind of like the elbow of the Bruins QB. DEVILS!!!

GEORGIA -17 Tennessee

Rocky Top is a catchy, but eventually annoying song. Meanwhile, Uga makes me smile. Go Dawgs.

Army -15 YALE

On July 14, 2011 now-Army employee Jason Butikofer hit for the cycle in a 20-14 win for mediocre softball team Weekend at Bierman over the Seville Sluggers. In that same game, now-Yale employee went 1-for-4. Advantage: Army. On brave old Army team!

Florida State -19 NC STATE

This a rare non-Wisconsin/Iowa/Notre Dame Schadenfreude pick for The Professor, but the Seminoles, their law-breaking QB and their obnoxious tight ends coach deserve the hate. Go Wolfpack.

TEXAS A&M -9 Arkansas (in Dallas)

Bert Bielema is a douchebag. Go Aggies.

Temple -5 UCONN

It’s the Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game (DAOtLotTTIACATG?G), brought to you by Casa de Autos. Please kill me.

Stanford -8 WASHINGTON

I have a friend who went to Stanford who played in the band, got two degrees before I got one and is now a real professor at a Big Ten university. I have no such connection to Washington. Go Cardinal.

SOUTH CAROLINA -6 Missouri

Missouri lost to Indiana. At home. Let that sink in. INDIANA. AT HOME. THEY LOST TO INDIANA AT HOME. Go Cocks.

UTAH -13 Washington State

Quiz time for Mrs. Money (who is somehow in third place in Pick ‘em Corner despite having absolutely no clue about anything in college football): To what conference do the Utah Utes belong? (She has no idea and she’s 11 games above .500 in PeC. Embarrassing.) Go Cougars.

MIAMI -7 Duke

Miami will be underwater in a few years. Raleigh will not. DEVILS!!!

Baylor -21 IOWA STATE

I love you Cyclones for posting the Schedenfreudiest win of the year over Mr. Money’s woeful Iowa squad, but I can’t shake the feeling that that game was all you have up your sleeve this season. Go Bears.

Notre Dame -12 SYRACUSE

Breathe if you hate Notre Dame. Go Orange.

USC -9 Oregon State

I do not have Beaver Fever. I will also not watch this game. Someone tell me how it turns out. Go Trojans.

MICHIGAN STATE -31 Wyoming

Sparty has big muscles. Pistol Pete does not. Go Spartans.

RUTGERS -12 Tulane

Below is a photo of the Tulane mascot (an oversized pelican, I think) trying to eat an old woman. That’s mean. Go Knights.

PENN STATE -11 Northwestern

In general, if you have purple in your uniform, you suck. Go Nits.

WISCONSIN -34 South Florida

Wisconsin smells of poop and cheese. Go Bulls.

Iowa -10 PURDUE

A loss to Purdue will rekindle the Iowa football dumpster fire. Usually a dumpster fire really stinks, but not an Iowa football tire fire. Boiler Up!

INDIANA -5 Maryland

It’s The Professor’s Points-A-Plenty Game of the Week, brought to you by Breezy Point Resort. Indiana can’t have nice things, so beware of this pick, but it’s hard to cheer against the plucky Hoosiers and so easy to cheer against Jim Delany’s East Coast Bias. Go Hoosiers.

MICHIGAN -12 Minnesota

DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It’s The Professor’s Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University! This game is gonna be … U! G! L! Y! You ain’t got no alibi. You’re ugly! You’re ugly! Michigan is a hot mess with a question mark at QB, a young and not-very-good offensive line, and a propensity (look it up, Mrs. Money) for just handing the ball to their opponents. Minnesota, meanwhile, has a question mark at QB and legitimately has no idea that the forward pass is legal. Expect a 9-6 game. Whoever wins, modern college football loses. Go Gophers.

OHIO STATE -16 Cincinnati

Topic: A bearcat is neither a bear nor a cat. Discuss. Go Bucks.

NEBRASKA -20 Illinois

The Tim Beckman Axiom is moving closer and closer from theory to fact. Go Huskers.

2014 Pick ‘em Corner Standings (locks in parentheses) 

1. Mr. Money - 52-35-1 (3-1) – 58 pts

2. C-Noth – 49-38-1 (2-2) – 53 pts

3. Mrs. Money – 49-38-1 (1-3) – 51 pts

4. The Host – 43-44-1 (3-1) – 49 pts

5. Lockrem’s Locks – 44-43-1 (1-2) – 48 pts

5. Steve Stellar – 42-45-1 (3-1) – 48 pts

7. Big Game Bob – 39-46-1 (3-0) – 45 pts

8. The Cornerman – 42-45-1 (1-3) – 44 pts

9. KCKCKCK – 41-46-1 (1-2) – 43 pts

9. You Picks Ain’t Schmidt – 39-48-1 (2-2) – 43 pts

11. The Professor – 40-47-1 (1-3) – 42 pts

11. The Veteran – 40-47-1 (1-3) – 42 pts

13. Wick to Click –40-47-1 (1-3) – 42 pts

14. Larry Traversie – 38-49-1 (1-3) – 40 pts

15. Strickly Cash – 35-52-1 (1-3) – 37 pts

16. Money Traen – 20-25 (1-0) – 22 pts

17. The Line Adjuster – 0-0 (0-0) – 0 pts

17. Foreman’s Forecast – 0-0 (0-0) – 0 pts

17. auto-MATT-ic – 0-0 (0-0) – 0 pts

The Professor in 2014 Pick 'Em Corner

Overall record: 40-47-1 (.460)

Statistically-Proven Locks: 1-3 (.250)

Games involving Big Ten teams: 23-27 (.460)

Games not involving Big Ten teams: 17-20-1 (.461)

Minnesota games: 1-3 (.250)

Schadenfreude Games (Wisconsin, Iowa, Notre Dame): 6-4 (.600)

Service Academy Games: 1-3 (.250)

Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Games: 1-3 (.250)

Roll Tide Turkey Games: 1-2-1 (.375)

Tim Beckman Axiom Games: 2-2 (.500)

Professor’s Point-A-Plenty Games: 1-3 (.250)