Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 5 Smart Money Picks

Kudos must go to The Host. After several "down" years, he's finally proving himself worthy of being the host of everyone's second-favorite sports-related show (just behind Hondo's House). Methinks it won't last, but let him enjoy it while it does.

Meanwhile, it's probably time to rethink the sponsorship of the Lock of the Week. While MasterLock has been a long-time supporter of Pick 'Em Corner, it's time for the weekly feature to pay homage to the lone panelist on the show to make his fans gobs and gobs of cash based solely on his performance on locks of the week. Other panelists will show you their gaudy overall record, but not many bettors out there aren't willing nor able to throw down money on every game in hopes of turning a profit. The Professor's Pupils (the official fan club of The Professor), meanwhile, just wait for their mentor's lock of the week and throw everything on that particular game. For this reason, the lock of the week will heretofore be referred to as "The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University."

On to this week's slate of games. Sit up class, open your notebooks and sharpen your pencils. It's time for The Professor's Smart Money Picks.

FAVORITE SPREAD UNDERDOG (Professor's picks in bold)
NORTHWESTERN -5.5 Indiana
We start off with a bowl game elimination contest because, let's face it, the loser of this game will fall to 4-4 and have little to no shot at getting to seven wins. But who cares? What you're all waiting to hear is who I talked to about this game. Well, it's time to make amends with everybody's favorite Big Ten Network analyst. No, not Charissa Thompson. Gerry DiNardo! Last week, I poked a little fun at the Nard Dog and according to BTN insider KCKCKCK, he was none too pleased. To make it up to Gerry, I gave him a chance to provide his breakdown of the NU-IU game. He told me the spead of 5.5 points is just a little too much for a game that features two very evenly-matched teams at nearly every position. He likes the Hoosiers to win, but I ignored that after reminding myself that DiNardo never won more than three games while in Bloomington. I, therefore, like the Wildcats to win in Evanston, but only by a field goal. Thanks Gerry and say hi to KCKCKCK for The Professor.

OHIO STATE -17 Minnesota
The Professor is breaking out the big guns this week. First, Gerry DiNardo and now this game's guest analyst, LeBron James. Why LeBron? Well, he's here to provide us with insight into embattled QB Terrelle "the Terrible" Pryor. LeBron told me that Pryor and the entire OSU program has gone into the "us against the world" mentality that the squad used prior to the USC game. The tactic almost worked against a powerful Trojan squad and if it can almost beat a top tier team like USC, it will certainly work wonders against the Brew Crew. LeBron also told me that if OSU doesn't win, he advised Pryor to just walk off the field without shaking anybody's hand and blow off all media responsibilities. Thanks, LeBron. Here's the thing. Minnesota is basically the epitome of mediocre. The offense is putrid, while the defense is decent. The coach is clueless, while the players actually have talent. Ohio State, meanwhile, has an offense waiting to break out, a top shelf defense and a proven winner as coach. That all adds up to a Buckeye win by at three TDs.

PITTSBURGH -6.5 South Florida
Larry Fitzgerald, Sr. gave me great analysis last week, so this week The Professor is turning to his son. When he's not doing IHOP commercials, Larry Jr. is a great football mind. Clearly, the football acumen started and finished with Junior. Sorry, Marcus. Junior told me that Pitt is the real deal this year and how can I argue with him after watching Dion Lewis run roughshod over Rutgers last week. That being said, Lewis was a one-man team last week and USF brings a standout D-line and crazy-fast athletes all over the field. Pittsburgh will win this game, but like the NU-IU tilt, these teams are too evenly matched for this spread.

Georgia Tech -5.5 VIRGINIA
You hear that sound? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! It's The MasterLock Triple Strong Lock of the Week The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University! All season long, I’ve been a Ramblin’ Wreck denier. I just couldn’t bring myself to believe that the offense that Tech runs could be successful week in and week out. Well, to quote The Monkees, “Then I saw her face, now I'm a believer.” My fellow colleagues may point to Virginia’s undefeated record in the ACC this season, but who have they played? Nobody. They may point to the Cavalier defense as one that might be able to shut down the Jackets’ attack. But who have they shut down this season? Indiana? Puh-leeeeze. Sing it with me, Host. The Ramblin’ Wreck of Georgia Tech. A hell of an engineer…

PURDUE -10 Illinois
Just about all of us were caught blindsided by Purdue's resounding win over Ohio State last week, The Professor included. We all stopped believing that Purdue was the best 1-5 team in the nation and were dumbfounded when they walked all over the Bucks. Now, some of the experts will say that after last week, the upset alert is on the Boilers as a talented, albeit underachieving Illinois squad comes to town. They’ll say that the hangover from the OSU win may be enough for the Illini to get back on track. But I talked to Lee Corso this week and he said, “Not so fast, my friends.” That’s right, Lee. What all these so-called experts (© Sid Hartman) are forgetting is that this Illinois team, although talented, is a joke and it starts at the top. The Ron Zook Farewell Tour hits West Lafayette this week and if the Illini faithful are lucky, the Purdue locomotive will foreshadow the railroading that Zook and his clownshow will get at the end of the season. Boiler Up!

NAVY -3 Wake Forest
Just like the Lock of the Week, The Professor has procured a new sponsorship for the weekly game involving a service academy. From now on, this game will be referred to as “The Professor’s Service Academy Game of the Week, presented by Armed Forces Network.” As part of the agreement with AFN, I’m required to pick the service academy, regardless of the matchup and spread, as well as sing the school’s song. Sounds like what I was doing already, so without further ado:

Anchors aweigh, my boy, anchors aweigh!

Penn State -4.5 MICHIGAN
The Professor turned to Cornerman confidant LFK this week once again. She told me that she just donated next month’s mortgage payment to the Paterno Library after reading about JoePa in Sports Illustrated, much to Cornerman’s dismay. Admittedly, LFK is nuts, but she also gave me a good analysis about this game. She told me this tilt is all about matchups. Here’s her rundown:

PSU offense vs. MICH defense……………….advantage PUSH
MICH offense vs. PSU defense……………….advantage PSU
Quarterback play………………………………advantage PUSH
Running back play…………………………….advantage PSU
Intangibles…………………………………….advantage MICH
Coach’s morals………………………………..advantage PSU

The Professor knows math and that all adds up to a Penn State win by five or more. Cue Nittany Lion roar (as performed by LFK) here.

Oklahoma -7.5 KANSAS
Intriguing game in the Big 12 this week with storylines centering around the fall of Sam Bradford. This is a turning point game for both squads with OU seeing its season slipping away and KU ready to emerge on the national stage. It’s really difficult to pick against the pedigree of the Sooners in this one, but there’s too much negativity surrounding the OU program right now to ignore. Bradford is done, the loss to Texas is going to sting for awhile and Kansas brings an entirely different look than the Longhorns. The Professor smells an upset a brewin’.

Oregon -10 WASHINGTON
Love the environs at Husky stadium with the tailgating on the lake and such. That’s all The Professor loves about Washington in this game. Is this a trap game or am I just missing something? Is Jake Locker really that good to overcome the Huskies’ woeful defense? UW lost to a pedestrian Arizona State team last week and now we’re supposed to expect them to hang with the Ducks? I just don’t get it. in the words of Admiral Akbar, “It’s a trap!”, but It still feels like Vegas is trying to give you money here, so go with the Tigers.

ALABAMA -14 Tennessee
In The Professor’s book (due out in November from the University of Minnesota Press), Alabama is the best damn team in all the land. The Tide defense is somewhere between unstoppable force and immovable object. Meanwhile, Tennessee just got their big win of the season. Lane Kiffin has been strutting around Knoxville, thinking he’s got the Vols back where they belong, but it’s clear he’s just another coach with a hot wife. Nick Saban, though hate-able in his own way, may be the best coach in the nation with an average-looking wife. When it comes right down to it, great coach with mediocre wife always beats so-so coach with hot wife by two TDs or more.

MICHIGAN STATE -1 Iowa
Whenever The Professor doesn’t know what to do with an Iowa game, he talks to one of two former Hawkeye coaches – Dr. Tom Davis or Hayden Fry. Well, this week, I talked to them both. How’s that for a hard-hitting week of guest analysts? Both Davis and Fry are as confused as the rest of the nation at the Hawkeyes’ performance this season, but they both chalked that up to senility. They’re mystified by the play of Ricky Stanzi, perplexed by the success of the no-name running backs, baffled by the defense’s ability to create turnovers and flummoxed by e-mail, Facebook and the interwebs. Well, join the club, guys (except for the last part). All that being said, why bet against Iowa now? In fact, why aren’t they favored? What gives? Take the Hawkeyes and remain as dazed and confused as Davis and Fry.

Texas Christian -2.5 BYU
Lightning round time. Never trust a coach with the first name Bronko.

LSU -7.5 Auburn
Stay far, far away from this game. LSU isn’t as good as the experts once thought and Auburn is a mystery wrapped in a riddle, enshrouded by an enigma. Both the LSU offense and Auburn defense rank in the “meh” category. Meanwhile, the LSU defense is good, while the Auburn offense is streaky. All this adds up to absolutely nothing, so I’ll just side with the bookmakers in Vegas. I beg of you, save your money and throw it on The Professor’s Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University.

USC -20.5 Oregon State
Revenge is always worth three touchdowns or more. Need I say more? Ok, revenge is a dish best served cold and a chilly reception awaits the Beavers in Troy this week. Like Stanford and Oregon last season, and Washington next season, Oregon State is going to take a whipping at the hands of the Trojans this week. What do I mean? OK, in 2007, the Cardinal and Ducks beat USC. In 2008, USC trounced the Cardinal and Ducks, only to lose a shocker to Oregon State. In 2009, USC lost a shocker to Washington, but will trounce Oregon State to atone for 2008. In 2010, Washington gets trounced and another team (I’ll take UCLA) pulls the upset. The Professor has foreseen it.

Boise State -24.5 HAWAII
Meh. This game was interesting two years ago. Today? Not so much.

Thus concludes The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by the City of Chanhassen.

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 4 Smart Money Picks

I'll bet you thought The Professor was on sabbatical for this season after his first two weeks of picks. I'll bet you thought The Professor got tenured, so he decided to pull a "KCKCKCK as lame duck Athletic Communications Director" routine with his college football handicapping. I'll bet you thought The Professor was a flash in the pan, a one-hit wonder after last season's Pick 'Em Corner Championship.

Well, you thought wrong. The Professor is back and class is in session. So sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and get ready for this week's edition of The Professor's Smart Money Picks.

Pittsburgh -3 RUTGERS

We kick things off with a Big East game that The Professor could care less about. But The Professor being The Professor did his research as I talked to local media celebrity Larry Fitzgerald Sr. After sitting through 45 minutes of Larry explaining to me that the reason Kurt Warner isn't throwing to his son is clearly racial bias, we finally got down to the Panthers vs. Scarlet Knights. When Larry got done pumping his son's tires, he actually gave me great insight. He told me that Rutgers is relying on a true freshman at QB and that this is really the Knights' first real test of the season. Meanwhile, Pitt brings a good defense that will dare the Rutgers QB to beat them. Sadly, you won't see this kind of insight in the Spokesman-Recorder.

MICHIGAN STATE -12.5 Northwestern

This game all comes down to something we know really well in Gopher Nation...mediocrity. To get a good grasp on what it takes to be truly mediocre, I talked to one of The Host's best friends, current Big Ten Network analyst extraordinaire Glen Mason. Mase admitted to his Gopher teams' mediocrity in scheduling and results, but countered with the absence of mediocrity in his wardrobe, extra-white teeth and surgically-enhanced wife. Touché, Coach Mason, touché. In the end, though, Mase told me that Michigan State mediocrity will beat Northwestern mediocrity any day of the week. He's probably correct in that MSU will win this game, but The Professor has a sneaking suspicion that NU will keep this one close, but still lose in mediocre fashion.

MICHIGAN -29.5 Delaware State

The Professor didn't even bother to talk to anyone for this game after seeing that Delaware State lost 9-7 at home to Bethune-Cookman last week. Tate Forcier, Denard Robinson or a homeless woman at quarterback, Michigan is going to destroy the Hornets. I'm tempted to make this my lock, but The Professor got scared off by the large spread.

Texas -3 Oklahoma (Neutral Site-Dallas)
The Professor is really torn on this game. On one hand, you have the big question mark that is Sam Bradford. On the other hand, you have that God-awful first-half performance by the 'Horns against Colorado last week. What ever is The Professor to do? Talk to one-time Pick 'Em Corner panelist Teeks, that's what. Teeks, otherwise known as Kuko or Tory-Tory-Tory, told me that although Bradford is back, he's not yet 100 percent. Teeks has been watching an awful lot of Sooner practices this week and assures me that Bradford is extremely erratic and a little tentative. If I know anything, it's that you should trust in Teeks (except when it comes to having him come up to bat with runners in scoring position).

WISCONSIN -2.5 Iowa
In a battle that should be labeled "The Hate Bowl" because The Professor hates everything to do with these two schools, we have poorly-coached Wisconsin against boring-to-watch Iowa. I didn't bother to talk to anyone for this game as the thought of speaking to someone from these two God-forsaken states makes me ill (sorry, Host, Strickly Cash and C-Noth). Instead, I just broke this game down old-fashioned like. First, Iowa. The Hawkeyes are 6-0 with quality wins over Penn State and Michigan. Wisconsin, on the other hand has wins over cupcakes (Wofford), mid-majors (Northern Illinois, Fresno State) and medicority (Michigan State, Minnesota). Oh, and a resounding loss to Ohio State. That's it, I'm doing it. You hear that sound? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! It's the MasterLock Triple Strong Lock of the Week! There's just too much in favor of the Hawkeyes in this one, on the road or not. Need I remind you that The Professor is 3-0 on his locks this season?

Ohio State -13.5 PURDUE
Let me get this straight. Last week, a mediocre Minnesota beats an awful Purdue by 15 and a decent Ohio State beats an slightly above average Wisconsin by 18. And yet, the Buckeyes are favored by only 13.5? What gives? To find out, I talked to famous OSU alum Jack Nicklaus. He told me that the bookmakers in Vegas are still holding onto the thought that the Boilers are the best 1-5 team in the nation despite a lot of evidence to the contrary. He also told me that the Ohio State offense is so anemic right now that the Bucks might not be able to pull away from Boiler Up. Wow, great breakdown, Golden Bear. It'd be nice to see Gerry DiNardo come up with half as high-quality of an analysis. All that being said, Nicklaus wasn't at TCF Bank Stadium last week when Purdue kept shooting themselves in the foot over and over. If Purdue Pete can't handle the mediocre Minnesota, how is he going to overcome the best team in the Big Ten (for what it's worth)? OSU gets its offense going and Purdue turns the ball over five times. Take the Bucks.

AIR FORCE -10.5 Wyoming
It's The Professor's Ro-Tel Service Academy Game of the Week. And the only way I know how to give you my pick is to sing. So, here goes:

Off we go into the wild blue yonder,
Climbing high into the sun;
Here they come zooming to meet our thunder,
At 'em boys, Give 'er the gun!
Down we dive, spouting our flame from under,
Off with one hell of a roar!
We live in fame or go down in flame.
Nothing can stop the U.S. Air Force!

usc -10 NOTRE DAME

This game means everything for the Irish and the Heisman hopes of Jimmy Clausen. The game is in South Bend. It's the last marquee game on the Notre Dame schedule. Go with the Irish, right? Wrong. While Charlie Weis has been going on and on this week over the significance of this game for the Irish, Pete Carroll has his team do a slip 'n slide competition. That's enough for me. The Professor loves him some slip 'n slide. Fight on.

NEBRASKA -10.5 Texas Tech

Lightning round time. Nebraska is pretty good and 2009 Texas Tech isn't anywhere close to 2008 Texas Tech. Take the Huskers.

FLORIDA -24.5 Arkansas

For this game, I talked to Nolan Richardson...only because he's the only guy I could think of related to Arkansas. He told me that the Hogs have virtually no chance to win this game with their suspect defense, the offense seems to be the gridiron version of 40 Minutes of Hell. To wit, thanks to the emergence of QB Ryan Mallett, Arkansas has scored 48, 41, 47, and 44 points (pay no mind to their 35-7 loss to Bama). Great point, Coach. This Arkansas team can put up some points and Florida is coming off a taxing game, mentally and physically, on the road at LSU. Look for the Gators to take the Hogs lightly at home, keeping the game close until pulling away by three TDs in the fourth quarter. Woooooo, pig sooey!

PENN STATE -16.5 Minnesota

Gopher Nation has been Penn State's achilles heel in recent years, so that trend is enough to pick the Brew Crew in this one (despite the fact that Brewster is facing the Nits for the first time). But to confirm my suspicions, I talked to biggest PSU fan I know - LFK. She went on a tirade about how people should lay off Joe Paterno. "He's a living legend!" LFK screamed. "They named a library after the guy and he's still alive. Not to mention a football coach. Bobby Bowden can't hold JoePa's jock." Thanks for that, LFK. LFK's thoughts aside, Penn State is a good football team, but not great. The offense has the ability to put up points against so-so defenses (a la Minnesota and Illinois), but goes in the tank against good defense (a la Iowa). On the other side of the ball, the Nits secondary is a mess and now they have to face the best receiver in the league. Meanwhile, the Gopher run game showed some life last week and may finally give Brewster's Boys some balance to keep PSU off-balance. I'd love to go out on a limb and call a Gopher upset here, but I'm afraid LFK and her sidekick, The Cornerman, might hunt me down and beat me to a pulp. Instead, I'll just say the Gophers cover.

Virginia Tech -3 GEORGIA TECH

Lightning round time. The Hokies are sneaky good, while the Ramblin' Wreck can struggle to keep up with their Air Force-like offense. Take VT.

Illinois -2 INDIANA

The Ron Zook Farewell Tour hits Bloomington this week and is now featuring a team that has thrown in the towel. Sure, it's a team full of veterans who should know better, but keep in mind these guys were recruited by Zook. Their careers apexed when they were being recruited, much like Zook and his ability to bring in top-shelf talent only to see them get worse year by year under his tutelage. Indiana, meanwhile is, oh who am I kidding? Who cares about Indiana? They're playing a team coached by Ron Zook. Indiana cruises to a 14-point win.

ALABAMA -17 South Carolina

Seventeen points is an awful lot to give a Gamecock team that has been surprisingly decent this season, but Alabama has the best defense in the nation and owns an offense that has also put up a lot of points against some prett good teams. Bama's defense allows their offense to gain just enough points to cover. It might be a 24-6 or 21-3 win, but it's enough for The Professor to do what seems below him when he says, ROLL TIDE TURKEY!

OKLAHOMA ST. -7 Missouri

Really think The Host is starting to mail it in already this season. THIS is the game he decides to close the show with? They second- or third-most significant Big 12 game on the slate this week? Nice work, Host, nice work. Well, to follow his lead, I'll just pick a team and end this week's edition of Pick 'Em Corner on a low note. I like the Cowboys.

And with that dud, thus concludes The Professor's Smart Money Picks.

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 3 Smart Money Picks

First of all, I'd like to welcome Pick 'Em Corner back to its rightful place in the beautiful city of Chanhassen, ranked the No. 2 place to live in the entire nation by Money Magazine. Sadly, The Professor won't be able to attend The Ultimate Homecoming tonight as I'm a guest lecturer in Sports Hanidcapping at Normandale Community College (those GED gradutates and 45-year-old community college students can't get enough of The Professor).

To make up for my absence tonight in the No. 2 city in which to live, The Professor researched this week's games in true Professor form. I've talked to countless luminaries in the college football world in the effort to provide you, the Pick 'Em Corner viewer, with all the information you'll need to make an informed decision this week with your local bookmaker. Remember last week how The Professor told you to pick with your heart and not with your head? Well, forget that. That was the Grain Belt talking in concert with the foreign surroundings of last week's misguided move to that dump in Bloomington. The Professor wouldn't be The Professor without in-depth research into each of this week's THE PROFESSOR'S SMART MONEY PICKS.

Favorite Spread Underdog (Home teams in ALL CAPS, The Professor's pick in bold)
MINNESOTA -3.5 Purdue
Fans of The Professor already know that he is contractually obligated to pick the Gophers, but after doing some exhaustive research on Wikipedia, it appears that Purdue has traditionally been called the 'Cradle of Quarterbacks.' In that vein, I tried my darndest to get in touch with Jim Everett, but his PR agency kept connecting me with Chris Evert. Needless to say, Chrissy was of no help, so I turned to Kyle Orton for indight on current Boiler QB Joey Elliott. Orton, clearly drunk, told me that Elliott cannot be trusted. Sure, he's thrown more touchdowns than anyone in the league, but he's also leading the conference in picks. Orton, also wary of Elliot's inablilty to grow facial hair at an institute known for coaches with high-quality mustaches, noted that Minnesota learned their lesson from last year and won't have a hangover...unlike that of Orton. Look for Minnesota to crusie in this one.

NORTHWESTERN -19.5 Miami (OH)
I know, I know. Miami is dead last in the nation in scoring and first in the nation in giveaways. And I know. Northwestern has an explosive offense and had six takeaways last week. I don't care. Northwestern has a nasty habit of playing down to its opponent's level and cannot be expected to beat the RedHawks by 20 points or more. Plus, in the Cats' last game against a MAC foe, they squeaked by Eastern Michigan 27-24. To get a better understanding of this game, I spoke to Cat coach Pat Fitzgerald's wife, Stacy. She predictably predicted a Northwestern rout. That's great, Stacy, but I'm done trusting hot coaches' wives after going with Tennessee last week based on the insight from Layla Kiffin. From now on, hot wife = husband's team won't cover the spread. Northwestern wins, but Cats get distracted by Stacy on the sidelines, resulting in a last-minute RedHawks field goal to cover.

PENN STATE -36.5 Eastern Illinois
Ok, Eastern Illinois won't win. They won't even sniff a win. But Penn State already took out its frustrations on the Fighting Zooksters last week. Plus, JoePa & Co. haven't exactly lit the world on fire during a horrible non-conference slate. The Nits haven't beat a non-con team by more than 25 points, so why would they start now against a team allowing only 94 yards on the ground per game? To confirm my pick, I spoke with Saskatchewan Roughrider fullback Chris Szarka, an EIU alum. He told me that the Panthers are still stinging from their 47-21 loss to Illinois last year and have vowed to cover the spread in this game, if only for the fact that fellow EIU alum Kevin Duckworth has $250 riding on this game.

Michigan State -4 ILLINOIS
In preparation for this game, I spoke with new Illinois starting quarterback Eddie McGee. Eddie told me he has absolutely zero confidence in the coaching staff in Champaign and expects the Ron Zook Farewell Tour to take another embarrassing turn this week. In fact, after talking to Eddie, he wired me his second semester tuition money and told me to let it all ride on the Spartans. It sounds like Eddie is making this game his lock of the week. I'm a tad more skeptical and holding my lock for now, but if the Illini starting QB is this sure about the outcome, you should be too.

TENNESSEE -2 Georgia
The Professor hates picking SEC games, but based on his previously-mentioned rule of hot wife = husband's team won't cover the spread, go with the Dogs.

KANSAS -19.5 Iowa State
Lightning round time. Although The Professor's Dad is an ISU alum, it's smart to pick the Jayhawks here.

OHIO STATE -16.5 Wisconsin
Another easy one for The Professor. Although I'm contractually obligated to pick against Bucky (and gladly so), Wisconsin didn't impress me one bit in their win over Minnesota. Scott Tolzien was average at best and the coaching from the Badger sideline was horrible, as the drunk Wisconsin fan (I know that's redundant) behind me at TCF Bank Stadium could attest. Everyone was saying how last week was the game that Wisconsin would be exposed, but they kept forgetting they were playing the Gophers. This week, Bielema's Boys will be exposed big time. Take that, C-Noth!

Alabama -6 MISSISSIPPI
You hear that sound? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! It's the MasterLock Triple Strong Lock of the Week! The Professor absolutely hates doing it, but it worked for him last week, so he'll do it again...ROLL!!! TIDE!!! TURKEY!!! Now I know that's a compelling argument itself, but Ole Miss QB Jevan Snead has been a complete joke this season in the face of huge expectations. As much as I hate him, Nick Saban may be the best coach in the game. Sure, he's as crooked as The Host getting Teammate of the Month, but he can flat-out coach. Houston Nutt will have his team ready, but Bama is just too good and Snead is just too bad.

Oregon -3.5 UCLA
Looks like Las Vegas is just trying to give away money here. I know The Host says if it looks too good to be true, it probably is, (which reminds me of The Host's Teammate of the Month award). But The Host didn't talk to notable betting expert and UCLA coach Rick Neuheisel. Rick told me he was born in Wisconsin, a reason big enough alone to pick against the Bruins. He also told me that UCLA lost by eight to Stanford. Now, if the Bruins can lose on the road to a bunch of smart kids, it's almost a sure thing that they can lose by more than four points at home to a bunch of sketchy kids getting money to play football from Phil Knight. If I could add another lock of the week, it would be right here.

VIRGINIA -6.5 Indiana
I talked to Ron Zook in preparation for this game. Why Ron Zook? I know Ron Zook has no connection to either of these teams aside from coaching in the same league as Indiana. I know Ron Zook hasn't yet faced Indiana this season and knows little to nothing about Virginia. But Ron Zook knows bad coaching when he sees it. And And Ron Zook loves him some Al Groh. That's enough for me. Take the Hoosiers.

OREGON STATE -1.5 Stanford
Don't look now, but Stanford is leading the Pac-10. The Professor talked to a fellow professor for this game - one Bill/Dave Hutton at Stanford University. He doesn't follow much football anymore, but he regaled me with stories of his time with the Stanford band when a group of them went to the LA County Courthouse during the OJ trial and played circus music as the lawyers entered the courthouse. Or of the USC game when, during the halftime show, the Stanford band performed show complete with formations of a knife and a bloody glove, as well as a white Ford Bronco circling the field. That cleverness is reason enough to pick the Cardinal.

TEXAS -32 Colorado
Texas is really good, but Colorado isn't nearly as bad as they have been recently. The Professor hates large spreads and the Buffs have at least the ability to score points with an explosive, yet erratic offense. I spoke with Gopher coach Tim Brewster in preparation for this game, but he gave me nothing to go on. All I got from him was one-liners about hot chili, bear hunting and rock pounding. Thanks, buddy.

tcu -10 AIR FORCE
It's The Professor's Ro-Tel Service Academy Game of the Week. And the only way I know how to give you my pick is to sing. So, here goes:

Off we go into the wild blue yonder,
Climbing high into the sun;
Here they come zooming to meet our thunder,
At 'em boys, Give 'er the gun!
Down we dive, spouting our flame from under,
Off with one hell of a roar!
We live in fame or go down in flame.
Nothing can stop the U.S. Air Force!

Florida -8 LSU
It's the marquee game of the week and The Professor doesn't really care a lick about it. Blah, blah, blah Tim Tebow's brain. Blah, blah, blah Death Valley. Blah, blah, blah racist fans. All I know is some graphic I saw on ESPN. It said something about the last five top-ranked teams to go on the road against a top five team have all lost...or something to that effect. That's enough for me.

IOWA -8 Michigan
Time of some real number crunching to figure this one out. To do that, I talked to famous college football handicapper Brain Ballarini. He gave me the following breakdown:

Michigan is 2-6 against the spread in the last eight head-to-head meetings. Hawkeyes +1
The underdog in this series is 7-1 ATS. Wolverines +1.
The Wolverines are 7-1 ATS on the road as an underdog in the last eight games. Wolverines +1

That's 2-1 in favor of the Wolverines. Listen to the numbers, friends, and you'll win big by following The Professor.

Don't be fooled by Steve Stellar and his archival memory of games from the 1980s. Don't be swayed by KCKCKCK's sponsored picks. Don't let the Cornerman's East Coast bias and East Coast attitude influence your Midwestern sensibilities. And, for the love of God, please don't let a degenerate gambler like The Host take your money. He's just going to throw it on the WNBA and MLS. Be smart. Be educated. Go to class with The Professor.

Thus concludes The Professor's Smart Money Picks.

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 2 Smart Money Picks

The Professor's Smart Money Picks admittedly struggled in week 1. Bettors deserve better and The Professor is going to prove just how savvy of a handicapper he is by spotting his fellow panelists a subpar week 1 before storming back to repeat as Pick 'Em Corner's champion.

I present to you The Professor's Smart Money Picks:

Favorite Spread Underdog (Home teams in ALL CAPS, The Professor's pick in bold)
MINNESOTA -2 Wisconsin

If you know anything about The Professor, you know that he can't ever (EVER!) pick the Badgers, no matter the matchup or the spread. This is going to be a wild one at TCF Bank Stadium, but I see the Gophers pulling away late after Bucky is exposed for the fraud that he is.

MICHIGAN STATE -2.5 Michigan

You hear that sound? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! It's the MasterLock Triple Strong Lock of the Week! Sparty's back is up against the wall and no coach can rally his troops better than Mark Dantonio. This week for MSU, it's the age-old "us against the world" routine, but it tends to work. Plus, with the decline of family values in Ann Arbor, it really is hard to pick in favor of the Wolverines.

PURDUE -7.5 Northwestern

The Professor is liking the chalk this week as you'll see and this game is no different. Purdue is really not as bad as their record and is only 12 points from being a 4-0 football team. Throw on top of that the tailspin that the loser of the Minnesota-Northwestern game usually goes in and you've got the Purdue Pete winning by 10 or more.

Alabama -16.5 KENTUCKY

It pains me to do it, but ROLL..............TIDE..................TURKEY!!!!!!!!!

Penn State -7 ILLINOIS

Never, ever rely on a Ron Zook-coached team to cover the spread.

GEORGIA -3 lsu

I've got nothing here.

NOTRE DAME -13.5 washington

It kills me to pick the Irish here as I really can't stand Notre Dame, but I trusted Washington last week and they screwed me, so I'm going with Charlie Weis' gut here.

NAVY -3.5 air force

Anchors Aweigh, my boys, Anchors Aweigh.
Farewell to foreign shores, We sail at break of day, of day.
Through our last night on shore, Drink to the foam,
Until we meet once more. Here's wishing you a happy voyage home!

Ohio State -17 INDIANA
If Ben Chappell throws the ball half as well as his coach Bill Lynch throws gum, the Hoosiers will stay within two touchdowns.

TEXAS A&M -1 Arkansas

Only because I yelled out Wooooo Pig Sooey last week and got beat by Roll Tide Turkey.

TENNESSEE -2 Auburn

This one's for Layla Kiffin (I implore you to Google her).

Oklahoma -7 MIAMI (FL)

This one's for Teeks.

usc -5 CALIFORNIA

Cal is a fraud and USC is motivated to further prove it.

IOWA -21 arkansas state

Doing the Chief Illiniwek dance for this one. Don't ask.

OREGON -32 washington state
I'm only picking the Ducks to try to close the gap with my fellow panelists.

Thus concludes The Professor's Smart Money Picks.

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 1 Smart Money Picks

The Professor is back. Pick 'Em Corner is back. And most importantly, The Professor's Smart Money Picks are back.

You may remember The Professor's Pick 'Em Corner-best 29-14 record in picking Big Ten games against the spread in 2008. Well, this season, we're branching out beyond the Big Ten and picking a total of 15 games per week, including all Big Ten games, The Professor's Service Academy Game of the Week, all Alabama "Roll Tide Turkey" games and any games featuring Top 25 teams against each other. The remaining games will be filled out by quality storylines associated with the game.

To recap how this works, each game is worth one point and any "Lock of the Week" is worth three. All games are picked AGAINST THE SPREAD (not straight up winners). Standings will be posted on Mr. Heavyfoot after each week.

Don't be fooled by Pick 'Em Corner's other handicappers. The Host finished with an incredibly-awful 17-26 record last year. Cornerman, Coolies, Miss Money and Jimbo hovered around the .500 mark the entire season and never brought you, the bettor, the consistency needed to actually make some money picking college football. Slietes had a winning record in 2008, but even he chalks that up to pure luck. The Professor's most worthy competitor, KCKCKCK, has proven his chops at Pick 'Em Corner, but does he really have you in mind when he makes his picks? Methinks not. He's just fulfilling his sponsor obligations with Jimmy John's.

So, without further ado, I present to you The Professor's Smart Money Picks:

Favorite Spread Underdog (Home teams in ALL CAPS, The Professor's pick in bold)
GA TECH -2.5 North Carolina
Ramblin' Wreck coach Paul Johnson used to coach at Navy. If you know anything about The Professor, you're aware he's an Army guy. Go Heels.

NORTHWESTERN -1.5 Minnesota
Talked to former Gopher assistant Moe Ankeny this week. He still can't find Losli and is calling for the defense to be in Cobra. That's all the insight he gave me on this one. Minnesota may lose this game in a dramatic fashion for the third straight year, but it won't be by more than a point.

MICHIGAN -20.5 Indiana
Talked to disgraced former Michigan QB-turned-WR-turned drug dealer Justin Feagin this week. I don't have anything to add to that. I just wanted to drop his name. Indiana is not a good 3-0 football team (and as a Gopher fan, I know bad 3-0 football teams), but they're not three TDs worse than a young Michigan football team.

WISCONSIN -3 Michigan State
If you know anything about The Professor, you're aware that he never NEVER picks the BADgers, no matter the matchup or the spread. It's a tactic that has worked well in the past as evidenced by The Professor's Pick 'Em Corner-best 29-14 record in Big Ten games last season.

California -5.5 OREGON
Can't say I was overly-impressed with Cal last week, aside from the obvious accolades for Jahvid Best, but Cal is a much superior team to the Ducks. Oregon loves to run the ball, but the Bears thrive on stopping the run. Meanwhile, Cal will learn their lesson from last week and stick with Best, exploiting Oregon's average run defense. On top of all that, Cal QB Kevin Riley is miles ahead of former 5th-string Oregon QB Jeremiah Masoli. This has all the makings of a Cal rout.

Miami (FL) -3 VIRGINIA TECH
I know The U is the trendy pick here and I fully expect Coolies to throw his lock of the week on this game, but really, this is almost a pick-em game, with Vegas giving the Hokies some points based on home field advantage. I talked to that thing on Virginia Tech coach Frank Beamer's neck and it told me the Hokies are lucky to be 2-1. They'll be even luckier if they stay within 10 points of the Canes.

OHIO STATE -14 Illinois
You hear that sound? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! It's the MasterLock Triple Strong Lock of the Week! I know. I know. The Illini gets Juice and Benn back and the Buckeye offense has been streaky at best under Terelle Pryor. I DON'T CARE. Need I remind you Illinois is a Ron Zook-coached team?!? What else needs to be said? Ohio State. Big. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk!

ALABAMA -17.5 Arkansas
The Professor absolutely hates when the entire Pick 'Em Corner panel yells ROLL! TIDE! TURKEY! So I'll counter with WOO! PIG! SOOIE!

Florida -21.5 KENTUCKY
Talked to Kathleen Sebelius, the Secretary of Health and Human Services, and she told me the H1N1 flu virus that hit the Gators last week will have some carryover effects to this game. There's not a chance that Florida loses, but the swine flu will keep this game closer than the experts thing (copyright Lee Corso).

IOWA STATE -10 Army
You know how The Host gets to sing that stupid Ramblin' Wreck song every time a Georgia Tech game is among the picks? Well, now it's The Professor's turn in this week's Service Academy Game of the Week. Ready?

On, brave old Army team,
On to the fray:
Fight on to victory,
For that's the fearless Army way.

Thank you.

PENN STATE -9.5 Iowa
Who hates Iowa? The Professor hates Iowa. The Professor is also aware that Ricky Stanzi is nothing special, not to mention the Hawks' committee of no-name running backs. That's enough for 10 points in my book.

Notre Dame -7 PURDUE
The gut beats the mustache.

STANFORD -7.5 Washington
Otherwise known as the Ty Willingham Bowl, I'm drinking the purple kool-aid in this one and predicting a Huskies win.

HOUSTON -1 Texas Tech
Easily the toughest game of the week to pick, but I'll call Houston's win over Okie State a mirage and Texas Tech's strong showing against Texas a trend. This is going to be a major shootout with the Red Raiders winning on the final drive of the contest.

USC -45 Washington State
45 points?!? HA! I know USC is pissed and Wazzu is awful, but 45 points? No way.

Thus concludes The Professor's Smart Money Picks.

No Beer Here - TCF Bank Stadium to be Dry Thanks to Misguided Law

(Note: Despite the above banner calling this site a source of fake news, this is an all-too-real opinion column. That being said, this topic sure is ripe for some satire. Stay tuned.)

The relatively big news out of Dinkytown this week is centered on U of M President Bob Bruininks' decision to make the new TCF Bank Stadium a dry venue for all fans during football games. In addition, Bruininks is pulling alcohol from the club rooms/suites at Mariucci Arena and Williams Arena.

Fans, donors and many others are rightfully fired up over this decision, but the vitriol aimed at Bruininks and Athletic Director Joel Maturi is misguided. Anyone who knows the facts about Bruininks' decision knows that this was the only path he could take once the legislature/governor passed this misguided law.

Beer was never going to be served in the cheap seats, regardless of this law being passed or not. The original plan was for alcohol to be sold only in the premium seating areas of the stadium (suites, loges, club seats). Then the Minnesota legislature, in all its wisdom (sarcasm anyone?), decided to pass a law saying that if alcohol was sold/served in one part of the stadium, it had to be sold/served in the entire stadium (this law also now applies to other U venues that serve booze).

So in response to this law, Bruininks issued a press release yesterday afternoon that told of his recommendation "to make TCF Bank Stadium, Williams Arena and Mariucci Arena alcohol-free during athletic events as a result of recent legislation enacted by the Minnesota legislature and signed by Gov. Tim Pawlenty."

Many critics of the U are now calling Bruininks "out of touch" for making this decision, saying he's naïve to think that banning alcohol at athletic events is going to prevent underage drinking and/or alcohol-related problems in the stands. They're partly correct in that students and fans are going to find a way to drink whether or not alcohol is sold in the stadium, but they're missing the point and their criticism is aimed at the wrong institution/person.

It was the legislature and Pawlenty, not the U and Bruininks, that brought about this turn of events. Sure, Bruininks made the final decision, but the legislature forced the U's hand on this and now the athletic department is losing a significant revenue source that has been in the department's budget plans for some time.

While using a lame "it's only fair" logic (more on that later) to pass this law, our lawmakers undercut the University and its athletic department. And what do we have to show for it? A dry stadium (that's not the end of the world), a loss of alcohol revenue and a possible loss in premium seating sales - all helping to hinder the athletic department's ability to be self-sufficient and bringing about the very real possibility of the cutting of a sport or sports in the near future. Nice work, St. Paul.

Not that we should expect it out of our lawmakers in this state, but was there any forethought put into this law before it got passed? Did the legislature really think the U was going to become the first Big Ten school (and one of the few in the entire country) to sell alcohol to the entire stadium?

What was St. Paul's objective in passing this legislation? The answer is simple, really: pandering and populism. Our lawmakers decided to cave in to a handful of whiners who complained that they wouldn't be able to have a drink during a football game, while the "pretty people" were offered beer and wine in the premium seats. Our wise public servants decided to pander to voters in a purely political effort.

And their logic? Well, let's go right to the words of Pawlenty:
"My view is we don't have a two-class society, so you can't just have a situation where you have a beer up in the skyboxes and then nobody else gets the beer."

And Rep. Tom Rukavina, DFL-Virginia, who wrote the preliminary legislation that became the omnibus liquor bill:
“There was an overwhelming feeling in the Legislature that what the Board of Regents did was elitist. If you can afford to sit in the premium seats, you can drink chardonnay, and if you sit in the cheap seats, you get water or pop … We didn’t think that was right.”

So there you have it. The legislature passed this law on the logic of "fairness." Pawlenty, Rukavina and the others who voted for this law used the ridiculous notion that "it's only fair" that if the suite-holders get beer, then all should get beer. As long as we're using that logic, we should to demand wider, cushioned seats, better sightlines from our bleacher seats, access to the DQ Club Room, an expanded food menu, HDTVs at our seats and all the other amenities that premium seat-holders are getting.

No one has been able to explain to me how the notion of "fairness" applies to beer, but not to padded seats or better sightlines.

The lawmakers and those who support this law who say we don't live in a "two-class society" certainly don't get out much, and must never have stepped foot in the Xcel Energy Center or Target Center. You pay more, you get more services (i.e., alcohol). Is that such a foreign concept here?

As a regular season ticket holder, I don’t expect to get the same services that a premium season ticket holder (who is paying a lot more for his/her seat) gets. If a ticket holder in the premium seats get access to a free DQ Blizzard machine in the DQ Club Room, does that mean all should get access to a free DQ Blizzard machine in the DQ Club Room? Fairness, schmairness. Life isn’t fair. The rich get richer. That’s just the way it is. It sucks, sure, that the rich get more, but again, is that such a foreign concept?

Nevertheless, I don’t really care if I’ll have the opportunity to buy a beer or not. If it’s there, I may have a beer during the game. If it's not there, I'll enjoy the game just as much. And if it’s only in the premium areas, it won’t bother me one bit.

A bar in the DQ Club Room at TCF Bank Stadium

Roses Have Thorns, Eh?

With Guy LaFleur and his kid in jackass kid in some trouble with the law in Canada, we thought it was time to revisit one of the greatest hockey/beer commercials of all time.

Report: Tim Brewster Will Not Tolerate Obesity

According to reports out of the Gibson-Nagurski Football Complex on the campus of the University of Minnesota, head football coach Tim Brewster (Phillipsburg, N.J.) has no tolerance for the obese and will not tolerate fat people in his midst.

Brewster's distaste for the overweight came to light last week when the Gopher gridiron boss used his account on the social networking site Twitter (Play4Brew) to insult portly Minneapolis Star-Tribune columnist Patrick Reusse. The Twitter post, below, was quickly deleted after Brewster's bosses deemed the "tweet" inappropriate, immature and unbecoming of a Gopher, but Brewster has vowed to continue his fight against fat people.

"On the record, I did not post that comment on Twitter and I don't know how it got on there. Might have been my boy Berezowitz," Brewster said over a bowl of hot chili. "Off the record, you're damn right I wrote that and it would still be up there if it wasn't for my panty waisted bosses in the administration. I'll tell you what, buddy, it's time Gopher Nation stands up to Reusse and all of his fat friends."

Apparently, Brewster's distaste for the overweight began after the reputed super-recruiter lost a heated battle for blue chip Cretin-Derham Hall wide receiver Michael Floyd to Notre Dame, a program led by the beefy Charlie Weis. Brewster took the loss hard, and chose to vent his disappointment by insulting the weight and appearance of the Irish head coach.

"Weis is a slob, a disgrace to Notre Dame, with his dirty mouth and appearance," Brewster said, according to a report on the now-defunct blog Paging Jim Shikenjanski. "Notre Dame will never recruit another Minnesota player until Weis is under 350 pounds."

Since making that statement, Brewster has proved prophetic as the 2009 and 2010 Fighting Irish recruiting classes have, so far, been absent of any Minnesotans. According to rumors out of Gibson-Nagurski, Brewster has chalked up that success to his crusade against the porcine and plump.

Brewster's aversion for the obese went to another level during halftime of Minnesota's 42-21 loss to Kansas in the 2008 Insight Bowl. The Jayhawks, led by the ample-sized Mark Mangino, owned a 28-14 lead at the break that they would not relinquish. Incensed by his team giving up a lead midway through the second quarter, Brewster, once again, chose to roast his coaching opponent.

"Coach Brew was his usual optimistic and positive self before the game and during the first half," former student manager Dominic Lade said. "But at halftime, out came a side of Brewster I had never seen before. He was ranting and raving about how much of a 'fat slob that Mangino is,' and how 'that Syracuse Orange lookalike had no business being on the same field as the Golden Gophers.' Coach Brew had no interest in making halftime adjustments. He just wanted to insult Coach Mangino."

Brewster's dislike of the overweight has several members of the Golden Gopher offensive and defensive lines worried for their future with the program. Minnesota's seven 300-pound linemen - Matt Carufel, Garrett Brown, Chris Bunders, Ned Tavale, Jewhan Edwards, Dom Alford and Jeff Wills - have enlisted the help of the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance in a preemptive strike against any tactics Brewster may use in his war against the overweight.

"Coach Brew has always told us, that if you're going bear hunting, you better be prepared to go get the bear," sophomore defensive tackle Jewhan Edwards (6-2, 324) said. "The bear for us is coach's alleged dislike of the hefty and husky set. Well, we're not going to slay the bear without the help of NAAFA. We're just making sure Coach Brew keeps true to his word when he says this is a big man's game."

According to documents obtained by Mr. Heavyfoot, NAAFA will provide legal counsel to the stout septet should Brewster decide to take his anti-fat people crusade to his own players.

"Mr. Brewster's apparent campaign against the fat is just another in a long line of actions taken against the big, brawny, bulky, burly and even the big-boned in recent years," NAAFA founder and president William Fabrey said. "His level of vitriol and maliciousness toward the roly-poly is troubling to all of us at NAAFA."

Despite the negative publicity received from local and national media and bloggers, Brewster has been unapologetic toward his distaste for the corpulent.

"Hey, buddy, I'll tell you what. I think it's very, very, very tremendous how this nation has turned its attention away from defeating Big Tobacco in favoring of defeating fatsos. Even Fat Pat is noticing the impact he's having on the environment (link). It just goes to show you that ol' Coach Brewster knows what he's talking about.

"I'm real. I'm raw. At times, I'm real raw. I don't care if I offend people when I say I'm against all things fat, overweight and obese. I'm also against the way the words your and you're sound alike but are spelled differently and mean completely different things. Stupid spellcheck."

Wild Fan Taunted for Tucking in Jersey

This article appears in the Feb. 19, 2009, edition of Let's Play Hockey.

SAINT PAUL – As a group, fans of the Minnesota Wild take their hockey seriously. They’re a knowledgeable and passionate bunch. It appears, however, that some followers of the NHL franchise have taken their love for the Wild and the game of hockey a bit too far.

According to reports out of the Xcel Energy Center, fan Kris Lagasse (Crookston, Minn.) received a healthy dose of verbal harassment from a sizable group of die-hard Wild fans at a recent game at the St. Paul arena. Reportedly, Lagasse had to ask for security assistance from ushers in the second period of the Valentine’s Day game vs. Ottawa when a group of fans heckled the 24-year-old graphic designer for tucking in his replica Derek Boogaard jersey.

“My wife and I were enjoying the game when out of nowhere this group of fans in our section started yelling at me to untuck my jersey,” Lagasse said. “They were merciless. They had half the upper deck chanting, ‘Untuck your jersey,’ followed by the familiar ‘clap, clap, clap-clap-clap.’”

Witnesses report that Lagasse was standing more often than most fans during the game, apparently trying to fire up the Wild with motivational cheers after the team’s three-goal lead started fading in the second period.

“In the first period, I hardly noticed the tucked-in jersey guy,” Section 210 fan Bryan Maus said. “But then, the Wild started going in the tank in the second and he was constantly on his feet, trying to get the fans to cheer ‘Let’s go, Wild’ and stuff like that. Nobody paid much attention to him until they noticed he had his jersey tucked into his Dockers.

“Then the proverbial gloves came off. It started with just a couple of guys yelling at him to untuck his jersey. By the end of the second period, almost half the section was hurling insults and the occasional box of popcorn at the guy. I can’t say he deserved it, but c’mon, who in their right mind thinks a tucked-in hockey jersey looks good?”

Though he received a healthy dose of grief from fellow Wild fans, Lagasse was unapologetic for his wardrobe choice.

“I was taking my wife out to celebrate Valentine’s Day with a little dinner at Fuji Ya followed by the game. I wanted to class up my look a little bit, so I tucked in my jersey. She’s always bothering me to tuck my shirt in and brush my teeth before I go to work, so I just thought she’d be happy with me if I tucked in the jersey for a night out on the town. Boy, did that backfire.”

According to the incident report filed at the arena, ushers were called to Section 210 for fan assistance during the second period. Usher Rob Swoverland was the first on the scene.

“It was an ugly situation. Mr. Lagasse looked like a complete idiot, and if I wasn’t working at the time, I would have probably taunted him, too. After a few near-misses by thrown cups of beer, I finally convinced him to untuck his jersey. But he wasn’t happy about it. His wife, however, was relieved.”

According to Lagasse’s wife, Megan, the tucked-in jersey fiasco wasn’t the first time that Lagasse has been the subject of teasing from fans at a sporting event.

“We go to a lot of Twins games in the summer and, despite the fact that he’s 24 years old, Chris insists on bringing his glove to every game. I understand catching a foul ball is a thrill, but we have season tickets in the upper deck above the left field foul pole. That’s an area no foul ball has ever, or will ever, reach. I love Chris with all of my heart, but what guy over the age of 12 brings his glove to a baseball game?”

Colorblind Hockey Player Keeps Going Offsides

This article appears in the Dec. 11, 2008, edition of Let's Play Hockey.

BLAINE, MINN. – Area hockey player Geoff Kaiser picked up the sport a mere three months ago, but the Plymouth, Minn., native is already considering hanging up the skates for good due to his rare red-blue colorblindness. A forward for the Elsinore Brewery team in the Norris Division of the SuperRink D League, Kaiser has gone offsides a league record 114 times in 16 games this season, apparently because of his inability to discern the difference between the red and blue lines.

Even though Kaiser, 32, wholly understands the rules of hockey, he routinely gets confused as to which lines are which colors, leading to multiple whistles for offsides during nearly every one of Kaiser’s shifts. Just last weekend in a league game against the rival Bourque Chops, Kaiser skated offsides an astonishing six times in one shift.

"Being colorblind has certainly taken a toll on my development as a hockey player," Kaiser said after a game which featured 29 whistles attributed solely to the hapless forward. "It’s just so darn confusing out there on the ice. I mean, what’s red to you is blue to me and vice versa. It’s like bizarro world. How can I be expected to stay onsides when I can’t tell if the line I just crossed was really red or blue?"

In an effort to combat the obvious conflict of Kaiser’s visual disability with the rules of hockey, Elsinore Brewery teammates have gone to great lengths to solve the maddening problem. Team captain Mike Lunderbergh thought he found the solution upon finishing his box of Fruity Pebbles late last month.

"I’m just polishing off a box of my favorite cereal when I notice something amid the crumbs," Lunderbergh said. "There it was. The solution to all of our problems – 3-D glasses. It seemed like a great idea and it was to a certain extent. The glasses solved the red line-blue line problem, but it sure did a number of Geoff’s depth perception. He wasn’t going offsides anymore, but he was constantly running into the boards. Back to the drawing boards, I guess."

When the 3-D glasses experiment failed, the Elsinore Brewery squad tried several other tactics to handle the issue, including hypnosis, behavior modification, looking into retinal transplants and playing Geoff only when they had a faceoff in the offensive zone. When all those strategies failed, the team turned to league director Sam Lombardo.

"The Elsinore Brewery team came to me with a drastic suggestion to help rid the league of the offsides epidemic that has plagued it since Kaiser started playing hockey," Lombardo said. "Lunderbergh asked the rink manager to re-paint our lines in more Kaiser-friendly colors like green and orange. That just wasn’t going to happen. We’d be the laughingstock of the ice arena world."

The majority of Kaiser’s teammates have been nothing but supportive as Kaiser has battled his colorblindness on the ice. Some Elsinore Brewery players, however, seem to be losing patience.

"Listen, I like Geoff. I respect Geoff. I just don’t understand Geoff," veteran defenseman Karl Coughlin said. "How hard is it to figure out that the center line is red and the other two lines are blue? Seriously, I’ve had just about enough of this. If he doesn’t quit, I quit."

Other team members have taken a more pragmatic, look-on-the-bright-side approach to the problems that Kaiser has brought to the ice.

"I’m as annoyed by all the whistles as the next guy, but I’ll tell you this, I’m getting really good at taking faceoffs," center Stefan Gellar said.

Kaiser claims he didn’t anticipate the impact his visual disability would have on the Elsinore Brewery team and the SuperRink D League.

"I really didn’t expect my colorblindness to be a problem in hockey," Kaiser said. "I mean, it’s never really been an issue before...aside from my short-lived career as a high school quarterback when I passed to the wrong team because I thought they’re wearing blue when they were really wearing red. Oh, and every four years during election time, the whole red state-blue state thing gets really confusing. Come to think of it, maybe the reason I get pulled over all the time for running red lights has something to do with me having trouble seeing red. I guess I should have seen this coming."

Lunderbergh has called a team meeting to address the future of Kaiser on the Elsinore Brewery team. League officials are anxiously awaiting the team’s decision.

"As officials, we need to stay as impartial as possible," linesman Jim Backlin said. "But the sooner Kaiser is done as a hockey player, the better. I’ve gone through 14 whistles this season. My whistle budget is through the roof."