Report: Tim Brewster Will Not Tolerate Obesity

According to reports out of the Gibson-Nagurski Football Complex on the campus of the University of Minnesota, head football coach Tim Brewster (Phillipsburg, N.J.) has no tolerance for the obese and will not tolerate fat people in his midst.

Brewster's distaste for the overweight came to light last week when the Gopher gridiron boss used his account on the social networking site Twitter (Play4Brew) to insult portly Minneapolis Star-Tribune columnist Patrick Reusse. The Twitter post, below, was quickly deleted after Brewster's bosses deemed the "tweet" inappropriate, immature and unbecoming of a Gopher, but Brewster has vowed to continue his fight against fat people.

"On the record, I did not post that comment on Twitter and I don't know how it got on there. Might have been my boy Berezowitz," Brewster said over a bowl of hot chili. "Off the record, you're damn right I wrote that and it would still be up there if it wasn't for my panty waisted bosses in the administration. I'll tell you what, buddy, it's time Gopher Nation stands up to Reusse and all of his fat friends."

Apparently, Brewster's distaste for the overweight began after the reputed super-recruiter lost a heated battle for blue chip Cretin-Derham Hall wide receiver Michael Floyd to Notre Dame, a program led by the beefy Charlie Weis. Brewster took the loss hard, and chose to vent his disappointment by insulting the weight and appearance of the Irish head coach.

"Weis is a slob, a disgrace to Notre Dame, with his dirty mouth and appearance," Brewster said, according to a report on the now-defunct blog Paging Jim Shikenjanski. "Notre Dame will never recruit another Minnesota player until Weis is under 350 pounds."

Since making that statement, Brewster has proved prophetic as the 2009 and 2010 Fighting Irish recruiting classes have, so far, been absent of any Minnesotans. According to rumors out of Gibson-Nagurski, Brewster has chalked up that success to his crusade against the porcine and plump.

Brewster's aversion for the obese went to another level during halftime of Minnesota's 42-21 loss to Kansas in the 2008 Insight Bowl. The Jayhawks, led by the ample-sized Mark Mangino, owned a 28-14 lead at the break that they would not relinquish. Incensed by his team giving up a lead midway through the second quarter, Brewster, once again, chose to roast his coaching opponent.

"Coach Brew was his usual optimistic and positive self before the game and during the first half," former student manager Dominic Lade said. "But at halftime, out came a side of Brewster I had never seen before. He was ranting and raving about how much of a 'fat slob that Mangino is,' and how 'that Syracuse Orange lookalike had no business being on the same field as the Golden Gophers.' Coach Brew had no interest in making halftime adjustments. He just wanted to insult Coach Mangino."

Brewster's dislike of the overweight has several members of the Golden Gopher offensive and defensive lines worried for their future with the program. Minnesota's seven 300-pound linemen - Matt Carufel, Garrett Brown, Chris Bunders, Ned Tavale, Jewhan Edwards, Dom Alford and Jeff Wills - have enlisted the help of the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance in a preemptive strike against any tactics Brewster may use in his war against the overweight.

"Coach Brew has always told us, that if you're going bear hunting, you better be prepared to go get the bear," sophomore defensive tackle Jewhan Edwards (6-2, 324) said. "The bear for us is coach's alleged dislike of the hefty and husky set. Well, we're not going to slay the bear without the help of NAAFA. We're just making sure Coach Brew keeps true to his word when he says this is a big man's game."

According to documents obtained by Mr. Heavyfoot, NAAFA will provide legal counsel to the stout septet should Brewster decide to take his anti-fat people crusade to his own players.

"Mr. Brewster's apparent campaign against the fat is just another in a long line of actions taken against the big, brawny, bulky, burly and even the big-boned in recent years," NAAFA founder and president William Fabrey said. "His level of vitriol and maliciousness toward the roly-poly is troubling to all of us at NAAFA."

Despite the negative publicity received from local and national media and bloggers, Brewster has been unapologetic toward his distaste for the corpulent.

"Hey, buddy, I'll tell you what. I think it's very, very, very tremendous how this nation has turned its attention away from defeating Big Tobacco in favoring of defeating fatsos. Even Fat Pat is noticing the impact he's having on the environment (link). It just goes to show you that ol' Coach Brewster knows what he's talking about.

"I'm real. I'm raw. At times, I'm real raw. I don't care if I offend people when I say I'm against all things fat, overweight and obese. I'm also against the way the words your and you're sound alike but are spelled differently and mean completely different things. Stupid spellcheck."