Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 1 Smart Money Picks

Quiet, everyone. Find your seats. It's time to get started. First of all, welcome back to campus. I trust you had an enjoyable offseason.

My name is The Professor. Welcome to The Professor's Smart Money Picks 101, a crucial part of the curriculum known as Pick 'Em Corner. I've been handicapping college football games for decades now and would like you to know that I am the two-time defending Pick 'Em Corner Big Ten Regular Season Handicapping Champion. Pay no mind to my predictions for games outside the Big Ten regular season.

For those of you not familiar with The Professor and my process for handicapping college football games, I've included a brief syllabus:

1. The Professor is proud to return as the presenter of The Professor's Service Academy Game of the Week (SAGoW), brought to you by Armed Forces Network.

2. The Professor ALWAYS chooses the service academy squad in the SAGoW, no matter the matchup or spread.

3. The Professor will weekly provide you with a prediction on which to place the bulk of your bankroll. This prediction will be known as The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University.

4. The Professor will do his darndest to avoid picking Wisconsin and Iowa during the season, but ridiculous betting lines may prevent him from doing so from time to time.

5. The Professor uses a mathematical process he created to decide games involving Illinois. The Ron Zook Postulate states that any game involving noted waterskiing head coach Ron Zook should be picked in favor of the Fighting Illini's opponent when the spread seems reasonable if it involved any other coach.

6. From time to time, The Professor will sponsor the Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game, brought to you by The Host and RO*TEL.

7. The Professor's colleagues in the Pick 'Em Corner curriculum include, but are not limited to, The Host, Steve Stellar, The Cornerman, KCKCKCK, The Veteran, Miss Money, autoMATTic, Strickly Cash, Money Traen, C-Noth, Lockrem's Locks and Special G. Do not trust your money to them and their picks.

8. The Professor will use Mr. Heavyfoot as the homepage for The Professor's Smart Money Picks of the Week. Given enough time and/or the hiring of a quality TA, Mr. Heavyfoot will host the Pick 'Em Corner weekly picks and standings.

9. The Professor's Smart Money Picks will be distinguished in bold. The home team is listed in ALL CAPS.

Without further ado, sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and enjoy the lecture, for these are The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by the City of Chanhassen.

INDIANA -18 Towson
We start of the season with a game near and dear to my colleague Steve Stellar's heart. You see, Stellar attended Towson University or Towson State or Towson School of the Hard of Hearing or whatever they want to be referred to as now. He'll undoubtedly put away all reason and logic and pick the Tigers to pull the upset on the road. He, of course, will be wrong. Very, very wrong. You see, Towson is picked to finish in the cellar of the Colonial Athletic Association, a league of powerhouse squads like Rhode Island, James Madison and William & Mary. I don't care if plenty of experts are picking the Hoosiers to finish below even Minnesota in the Big Ten. Big Ten cellar dwellers will always beat CAA basement teams by 18 points or more. You know what? Let's start this season off with a bang. YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It's The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University!

#2 OHIO STATE -28.5 Marshall
The Professor hemmed and hawed on this one. Of course, OSU will win and win big, but they will certainly hold something back for their week 2 tilt against Miami. On the other hand, the vaunted Buckeye defense is plenty good enough to pitch a near shutout, meaning all the offense has to do is score four touchdowns and a field goal to cover. What to do? To decide, I called Marshall's most famous alum, Randy Moss. He told me to not bother writing a check and instead lay "straight cash, homey" on the Buckeyes. Who am I to argue with a man who has made his mark as an Inta Juice entrepreneur.

Minnesota -3 MIDDLE TENN ST.
Coming off another mediocre season, Minnesota players and coaches tell us of their unbridled enthusiasm and opimism for the upcoming campaign. They tell us they "have something special" and that "this team is really hungry." It's an annual tradition here in Gopher Nation. Ever since The Professor pledged his steadfast support of the Golden Gophers many years ago, the refrain has been the same. And many years, I'd fall for it. Not this year, my friends. The Professor isn't quite ready to give up on Minny like the rest of the nation, but he's certainly not going to buy any of the hype that Timmy B and his players are trying to sell to us. Nevertheless, Minnesota is playing a Sun Belt team in Middle Tennessee State. Yes, the Raiders won 10 games last year and would love to notch a win against a BCS team, but it ain't going to happen this week. The Gophers will actually stick to Brewster's "Pound the Rock" mantra now that idiot offensive coordinator Jedd Fisch is gone, and wear down the undersized MTSU defense. It won't be pretty and it won't be a resounding Minnesota win, but a win and a cover nonetheless.

Missouri -11.5 Illinois (Played in St. Louis)
The Ron Zook Postulate rears its ugly head this season in this neutral site rivalry game. As stated in the above syllabus, The Professor is wise to pick against Illinois in this game as the Illini are coached by Ron Zook. The Postulate would certainly not apply if Illinois was being coached by pretty much anyone else (with the possible exception of Tim Brewster). The Ron Zook Postulate and the Ron Zook Farewell Tour, both in the second years, get started off with a bang as Mizzou cruises to an easy win.

#24 UTAH -3 #15 Pittsburgh
This is essentially a pick-em game with the bookies giving Utah the three-point edge based on playing at home. But The Professor asks, "Is the atmosphere at Rice-Eccles Stadium worth even three points against a quality ranked team like Pitt?" To find out, I spoke with former Utah SID and current Minnesota SID Andy Seeley. Perhaps the best of the best in the U of M Athletic Communications office, Seeley backed his former employer, choosing to support his pick in song: "The Utes and Rice-Eccles are going rock all niii-iiight, and party ev-er-ry day! " Thanks, Andy, but anyone that actually enjoys and respects the musical stylings of KISS cannot be trusted.

MICHIGAN ST. -23 Western Michigan
In the past, The Professor has turned to Judd Heathcote for breakdowns of Michigan State games, but Judd is getting a tad senile these days. So, for this game, I'm turning to another former MSU coach who has a calm and soothing demeanor - John L. Smith. Take it away, John L.





How can you argue with that kind of passion? Go Sparty.

#14 PENN STATE -30.5 Youngstown State
It's been a rough week for the Nittany Lions. No, there weren't any major injuries to key players. And, no, Joe Paterno didn't poop himself during practice. Instead, the guy who serves as the Nittany Lion mascot was charged with public drunkenness. Looking to prove that Nittany Lions are not just a bunch of drunken idiots, expect Penn State to roll over YSU.

#10 IOWA -32 Eastern Illinois
Statistic time: In openers from 2001 to 2008, the Hawkeyes went 8-0 winning by a combined score of 317 to 44 or an average of 39.6 to 5.5. The Professor likes numbers and the numbers say "expect a rout."

MICHIGAN -3 Connecticut
Turns out, those extra practices really didn't help the Wolverines at all.

NOTRE DAME -11 Purdue
The Professor hates Notre Dame with a passion. There's just so much to hate. The arrogance even though the program has absolutely sucked for so many years. The NBC broadcast lovefests. Lou Holtz's lisp. Rudy. The BCS exemption. That stupid leprechaun. It's enough to make The Professor want to say:




#1 ALABAMA -37 San Jose State (Roll Tide Turkey GOW)
I bet against Alabama too many times last season and lost. Not this year. Not this week. Even without Mark Ingram, the Tide will roll over San Jose State. Say it with me now, ROLL! TIDE! TURKEY! What does that even mean, by the way?

Northwestern -5.5 VANDERBILT
There's nothing quite like an early-season Big Ten vs. SEC match-up to really get a barometer on conference supremacy. Oh. It's Northwestern-Vanderbilt. Never mind. Go Cats, I guess.

#7 TCU -13.5 #22 Oregon State
How can you pick against a team that just recently had the college football arrest of the year? You can't. Also, 13.5 points are an awful lot to give a fellow ranked team.

#12 Wisconsin -20.5 UNLV
It's time for The Professor's weekly lecture on the concept of schadenfreude, defined as "satisfaction or pleasure felt at someone else's misfortune." Nothing explains The Professor's feelings about the University of Wisconsin better then schadenfreude. To wit, when the Big Ten division alignments were announced this week, The Professor took great joy in Badger fans' complaining that they got screwed by being placed with Ohio State an Penn State. There really is nothing better than Bucky-related schadenfreude:






Go Rebels!

Navy -6.5 MARYLAND (Service Academy GOW)
Anchors Aweigh, my boys, Anchors Aweigh! In related news, check out this nice article on Navy QB Ricky Dobbs and the Midshipmen's quest for a perfect season.

#5 Boise State -2.5 #6 Virginia Tech (Played in DC)
Class time is running short, so I'll keep this short. This is Boise State's year to play BCS buster.

Thus concludes The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen.

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Smart Money Picks, the Most Wonderful Time of the Year Edition

The Professor is busy this Christmas season, buying gifts for all his contacts within the college football world, so no long breakdowns for all the bowl games. I mean, from Hayden Fry to Judd Heathcote to Gerry Dinardo to Ron Mexico, The Professor has a lot of shopping to do. Plus, do you have any idea how difficult it is to shop for that thing on Frank Beamer's neck?

So, without further ado, it's The Professor's Smart Money Picks, the most wonderful time of the year edition, brought to you by the city of Chanhassen.


Fresno State -10.5 Wyoming (NEW MEXICO)
Let's get the bowl season off with a bang. You hear that sound? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! It's part 1 of 2 The Professor's Statistically-Proven Locks of the Week, brought to you by National American University!

Rutgers -2.5 UCF (ST. PETERSBURG)
My heart says Rutgers, but The Professor wouldn't be The Professor if he picked with his heart.

Southern Miss -3.5 Middle Tennessee (NEW ORLEANS)
Seems every year Southern Mississippi puts on a show in their bowl.

Oregon State -2.5 BYU (LAS VEGAS)
OSU's Mike Riley is 5-0 in bowl games. Done.

Cal -3.5 Utah (POINSETTIA)
When you lose to Washington and end up here, you don't have much to play for. Go Utes.

Nevada -15 SMU (HAWAII)
The June Jones Homecoming Tour won't result in an SMU win, but a cover.

Ohio -2.5 Marshall (LITTLE CAESARS)
The Bobcats won nine games, Marshall won six. That's my rationale here.

Pitt -3 North Carolina (CAR CARE)
The 'stache was a measly one point away from a BCS game. Tarheels, beware the 'stache.

USC -9.5 Boston College (EMERALD)
That's a lot of points for a bowl game, but BC disappoints annually in their bowls.

Clemson -7.5 Kentucky (MUSIC CITY)
That's just way too many points for a team as inconsistent as Clemson.

Georgia -7 Texas A&M (INDEPENDENCE)
Stay far away from this game. This has shootout written all over it.

UCLA -3.5 Temple (EAGLE BANK)
Thanks for playing, Temple. Here's your complimentary Eagle Bank savings account.

Miami -3 Wisconsin (CHAMPS)
Love the feel-good pick of the Fighting Steve Stellars over the Loathsome C-Noth's.

Bowling Green -1.5 Idaho (HUMANITARIAN)
I've got nothing here.

Arizona -2 Nebraska (HOLIDAY)
Limit turnovers, Cats, and this one is yours for the taking.

Houston -4 Air Force (ARMED FORCES)
It would border on sacrilege to pick a non-armed forces team in the Armed Forces Bowl.

Oklahoma -8 Stanford (SUN)
I've had terrible luck picking against the Sooners this season, but I just think Stanford has enough to keep this one close.

Missouri -6.5 Navy (TEXAS)
If you haven't figured it out yet, The Professor always picks the service academy.

Minnesota -2.5 Iowa State (INSIGHT)
I'm only picking The Professor's Father's squad in the hopes that a Cyclone win will spell the end of Brewster's tenure in Minny. Sadly, I think he'll get an extension before he finds a way to be out-coached by whomever it is that is leading ISU these days.

Virginia Tech -4.5 Tennessee (CHIC-FIL-A)
That thing on Frank Beamer's neck trumps Lane Kiffin's hot wife.

Auburn -7.5 Northwestern (OUTBACK)
Can't believe I'm making this pick, but the Cats are just plucky enough to stay within 7.

Penn State -2.5 LSU (CAPITAL ONE)
Comment withheld in deference to the Cornerman.

West Virginia -2.5 Florida State (GATOR)
I don't care that this is Bowden's last game. He won't know where he is anyway and WVU is miles better than FSU.

Oregon -3.5 Ohio State (ROSE)
The Buckeyes' woes in BCS games continues. For shame, Tressel, for shame.

Florida -10.5 Cincinnati (SUGAR)
That's an awful lot of points to give a Bearcat team in full "F You" mode, but it's still Cincinnati against The Almighty Tim Tebow.

South Florida -6.5 Northern Illinois (INTERNATIONAL)
This was my second lock of the week, until I looked a few games down at the Suspended Spartans vs. the high-flying Red Raiders.

South Carolina -4.5 UConn (PAPA JOHNS)
Mmmmm, pizza.

Ole Miss -3 Oklahoma State (COTTON)
I'm done with you, Oklahoma State.

Arkansas -7.5 East Carolina (LIBERTY)
Woooooo! Pig! Sooie!

Texas Tech -8 Michigan State (ALAMO)
You hear that sound? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! It's part 2 of 2 The Professor's Statistically-Proven Locks of the Week, brought to you by National American University! My thanks to the multitude of suspended Spartans for handing this one to me on a silver platter.

TCU -7 Boise State (FIESTA)
I really like the Horned Frogs, but this one has all the makings of a classic, back and forth game between a pair of teams looking to prove a point to the nation.

Georgia Tech -4 Iowa (ORANGE)
I've been riding the Ramblin' Wreck bandwagon all year and I'm not stopping now.

Central Michigan -3.5 Troy (GMAC)
If a bowl is played in the midst of all the BCS bowls and no one watches, does it actually happen?

Alabama -5 Texas (BCS NATIONAL CHAMP)
When the second-best team in the state of Texas is playing in the national championship game, you don't pick said team to stay within 5 of ROLL TIDE TURKEY!

The Professor's Smart Money Picks, the most wonderful time of the year edition, brought to you by the city of Chanhassen.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah (that's for you, Stellar) and a Joyous Festivus to all of those involved with Pick 'Em Corner.

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 12 Smart Money Pick

Wow, the Big Ten season ends and so does The Professor's success in picking games. Coincidence? I think not. At least the betting public can rely on The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University (now 9-2).

This is a big week for The Professor. Anyone who knows anything about The Professor knows he loves the service academies. And thanks to The Host, that love gets to be displayed each week on Pick 'Em Corner with The Professor’s Service Academy Game of the Week, presented by Armed Forces Network.

Some might think The Professor would have a hard time picking this game. I mean, each week The Professor steadfastly picks the service academy squad, no matter the matchup or spread. So, how will The Professor be able to choose between a pair of service academies? Easy, that's how. The Professor loves the nation's service academies, but he loves one much more than the rest.

No institution in the country can match the history and tradition of this service academy. It's alumni include Ulysses S. Grant, Dwight Eisenhower, Robert E. Lee, Stonewall Jackson, Douglas MacArthur, George Patton, Buzz Aldrin and Norman Schwartzkopf. That's a badass list of grauates, if you ask me.

Its football program has won three national championships and has had three Heisman Trophy winners and 37 consensus All-Americans. Meanwhile, the other two service academies, combined, have one national championship, zero Heisman Trophy winners and 28 consensus All-Americans.

This pick is an easy one. GO ARMY, BEAT NAVY.

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 11 Smart Money Picks

The Professor should know better than to trust anyone else with his Smart Money Picks, especially in a week all but devoid games involving the Big Ten. Instead, The Professor decided to give thanks to his loyal assistant, The TA, by giving said assistant some input into last week's picks. A 7-13 record ensued. The TA has been summarily dismissed.

This week, it's nothing but The Professor, for bettor (pun intended) or for worse. So sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and enjoy the lecture, for these are The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by the City of Chanhassen.

OREGON -9.5 Oregon State
Now I know Oregon State has been a pleasant surprise and, like you, I'm just glad we won't have to see USC in the Rose Bowl again this season. But need I remind you what the Quack Attack did to the hated Beavers last season? A 65-38 drubbing, that's what. Various experts around the country are calling for a Beaver upset (insert Tiger Woods joke here), indicating that the OSU defense should be able slow down the potent Oregon offense. I, for one, ain't buying the hype. The Ducks will score points in bunches and the Beaver offense just isn't explosive enough to keep up.

CENTRAL MICH. -10.5 Ohio (MAC CHAMPIONSHIP)
The Professor knows absolutely nothing about Ohio aside from their respected sports management school and their shocking 2000 win over the Goof Troop. Do the Bobcats still run the quirky offense that befuddled Glen Mason and Friends at the Metrodome? Anyone? It really doesn't matter. The Chippewas (that's not hostile nor abusive, per the NCAA) have Dan LeFevour and an offense that has scored 30 or more points seven times this season. Quirky Bobcat offense or not, LeFevour and Co. will rack up the points all day long.

Houston -1 EAST CAROLINA (CUSA CHAMP)
I know, I know. Defense wins championships. From what I hear, East Carolina is the defensive team, while Houston is the offensive team. So, go with the old mantra of defense over offense, right? Wrong. I'd pick the Pirates if their defense was really as strong as all the experts say, but one look at the numbers says otherwise. Houston has the top-ranked offense in all the land. ECU has the 68th-ranked defense. Houston has the top-ranked scoring offense in all the land. ECU has the 31st-ranked scoring defense. Houston has the top-ranked passing offense in all the land. ECU has the 86th-ranked passing defense. Am I missing something here? No, I'm not.

West Virginia -2.5 RUTGERS
The Professor hasn't been high on West Virginia this season, but the past two weeks have changed my mind. The Mountaineers made Cincy nervous two weeks ago, followed by a 19-16 upset of Pitt last week. Rutgers, meanwhile, got trounced by Syracuse two weeks ago. What more needs to be said?

PITT Pick Em Cincinnati
I've been on the Cincinnati bandwagon all season long and I'm not about to jump off now. Rumors persist that Brian Kelly will be the next Notre Dame coach, but methinks that decision has yet to be made. The Brian Kelly Big-Time Coaching Gig Audition hits Pittsburgh this week and it won't be pretty for the 'stache. In fact, do you hear that sound? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! It's The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University!

ILLINOIS -1 Fresno State
The Ron Zook Postulate rears its ugly head one more time this season.

BOISE STATE -47.5 New Mexico State
The Professor got beat by another big spread last week after picking TCU to cover the 43.5 over New Mexico. Will he make the same mistake again this week? Probably.

USC -7 Arizona
It's The Host's Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game, Part I

Florida -4.5 Alabama (SEC CHAMP - NEUTRAL SITE GAME)
The Professor could give a lengthy lecture about the most anticipated game of the season, but instead he'll join the hordes of media who have endlessly tongue bathed Tim Tebow over the years. Tebow is the X factor here and, for me, Bama was less than impressive last week in the Iron Bowl.

California -6.5 WASHINGTON
It's The Host's Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game, Part II

CONNECTICUT -7 South Florida
This game should otherwise be known as the Cornerman's Home State University vs. Steve Stellar's Childhood Vacation Destination University Bowl. I'll take the Cornerman's squad for reasons unbeknownst to me.

Texas -14 Nebraska (BIG 12 CHAMP-NEUTRAL SITE GAME)
I don't care how good Nebraska's defense is alleged to be. They play in the Big 12 North - more or less the equivalent of the mediocre portion of the Big Ten (I'm looking at you, Minnesota and your bottom-half bretheren). Plus, the Huskers lost 31-10 to Texas Tech. That same Tech team lost 34-24 to Texas. Hook 'em Horns.

Georgia Tech -1 Clemson (ACC CHAMP - NEUTRAL SITE GAME)
Talk about an anti-climactic conference title game. Both of these squads were embarrassed last week. Looking ahead to this game or not, Clemson looked much worse against South Carolina than Georgia Tech did against Georgia (even if that game was at home). Plus, The Host loves singing that Ramblin' Wreck song.

Wisconsin -11.5 HAWAII
The Professor loves wrapping up the week with a feel good pick.

Thus concludes The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen.

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 10 Smart Money Picks

What does it say about the Pick 'Em Corner panelists when, at the top of the current Pick 'Em Corner standings stand a pair of hockey guys in The Professor and Strickly Cash, followed closely by The Host, a noted degenerate gambler? What it says is that while The Professor, Strickly Cash and The Host are making money for their constituents hand over fist, the remaining Pick 'Em Corner panelists are frauds...and the Minnesota-centric Pick 'Em Corner knows its frauds (from Tim Brewster as football coach, to Joel Maturi as AD, to a pair of Pick 'Em Corner panelists as SIDs, Minnesota is Fraud U).

Now that I've set up the bulk of Pick 'Em Corner for a heavy dose of schadenfreude (look it up), it's time for Rivalry Week. The Professor is admittedly nervous as the Big Ten has decided to close up shop for the holiday season (save a couple of season-ending non-conference tilts). The Big Ten is obviously The Professor's forté, so much so that The Professor was just honored with the mythical 2009 Pick 'Em Corner Big Ten Game Prognosticator of the Year Award.

With no real Big Ten games on the docket, however, The Professor's confidence is waning. But fear not Pupils. If nothing else, you can always bet your current or future childrens' college tuition on The Professor's Lock of the Week (now 9-1).

The Professor's lecture is getting long, so without further ado, sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and give thanks for The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by the City of Chanhassen.

Texas -21 TEXAS A&M
I have absolutely no faith that the Aggies will pull off the upset in this one, but this Texas A&M offense is dangerous enough to keep things close for a while in this one. Of course, the Aggie offense is just as capable of crapping the proverbial bed, so beware laying lots of cash on this one.

CINCINNATI -20 Illinois
The Ron Zook Postulate makes this an easy pick for The Professor, but does anybody really think Illinois is going to derail Cincinnati's BCS bowl bid? Of course not, and neither does the Illini. In a strange bit of double-booking, the Ron Zook Farewell Tour (wishful thinking, I know) and the Brian Kelly Big-Time Coaching Gig Audtion hits Cincy in the same game. Two for the price of one. What a deal. Wow, Brian Kelly would look good in Maroon and Gold.

Alabama -10 AUBURN
Not sure when I'm going to learn my lesson, but once again last week, I bet against Bama and lost...big. Never again, I say. I know Gene Chizik has done a fine job at Auburn, but c'mon, the guy was at Iowa State last year. You don't go from Ames to the Iron Bowl and expect to stay within 10 of a national championship favorite. Plus, it's Thanksgiving weekend, so how can anyone resist saying The Host's favorite phrase...ROLL! TIDE TURKEY!

Nebraska -10 COLORADO
This game means absolutely nothing for the Huskers aside from getting ready for Texas in the Big XII title game. It means a bit more for 3-8 Colorado, but the Buffs are too bad to overcome the Black Shirt Defense.

Pittsburgh -1.5 WEST VIRGINIA
A nice 'stache beats a nice coach by two points or more every time.

BOISE STATE -13 Nevada
The over-under for this game is 70. I'd take the over, but if you can figure out how this game will shake out, be my guest. In the end, Smurf Turf coupled with BCS bowl hopes gives BSU the nod here. Wow, Chris Peterson would look good in Maroon and Gold.

Clemson -3 SOUTH CAROLINA
It's The Host's Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game, Part I.

Mississippi -7.5 MISSISSIPPI STATE
It's The Host's Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game, Part II.

OKLAHOMA -10 Oklahoma State
You hear that sound? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! It's The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University! No analysis needed here. If The Professor's record in locks of the week isn't enough, then you must not like money.

TCU -43.5 New Mexico
I got scared off by a pair of huge spreads last week and lost...big. Not again, especially with a TCU team hoping to impress the voters and computers. Wow, Gary Patterson would look good in Maroon and Gold.

Virginia Tech -13.5 VIRGINIA
The Al Groh Theorem makes this an easy pick for The Professor.

FLORIDA -24.5 Florida State
I doubted you last week, Urban, Tim, et al, and for that I sincerely and deeply apologize. Not this week. Plus, Bobby Bowden isn't quite sure what year it is anymore, so he's obviously not going to know what to do in this rivalry game.

Arizona -3 ARIZONA STATE
Maybe there's a correlation about teams that wear maroon and gold and bad offenses because the Devils move the ball about as well as Brewster's Boys...and that's saying something in the offense-happy Pac-10.

BYU -7.5 Utah
A Mormon-led squad won't be hung over from Thanksgiving like a non-Mormon-led squad will.

WASHINGTON -25 Washington State
The Never, Ever Take Washington State Law makes this an easy pick for The Professor.

LSU -3.5 Arkansas
I'm tired of picking LSU and losing. That's the only reason to go with WOO, PIG SOOEY.

STANFORD -8.5 Notre Dame
The Charlie Weis Farewell Tour hits Palo Alto and the Fat Man isn't allowed to stay out west and recruit after the game. Writing on the wall, anyone? Anyway, there are wayyy too many distractions to expect the Golden Domers to stay within 10.

GEORGIA TECH -7.5 Georgia
I absolutely love picking the Ramblin' Wreck each week, even if early in their games, they make me nervous with their slow-starting ways. Plus, Georgia is still reeling from the death of Uga VII, so take the Jackets in this one.

USC -13 ucla
USC can't lose a third embarrasing game in a month, can they? No, they can't.

Navy -9.5 HAWAII
Anchors aweigh, my boys, anchors aweigh! Wow, Ken Niumatalolo would look good in Maroon and Gold.

Thus concludes The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen. Happy Thanksgiving, Pick 'Em Corner Prognosticators, The Professor's Pupils and devoted Pick 'Em Corner viewers.

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 9 Smart Money Picks

The Professor would like to apologize to Pick 'Em Corner panelists and fans - and especially The Professor's Pupils - for the absence of his full analyses in the last few weeks. The Professor just doesn't have the time to speak with his multitude of contacts within the college football world. Why? Well, The Professor is wanted. The Professor is needed. With the success of the Smart Money Picks again this season, The Professor has been in great demand on the lecture circuit, especially in the quaint towns of Atlantic City, Reno and Las Vegas.

Given the current economic climate, who can blame the betting public on pinning their hopes on a proven gambling expert like The Professor. Sure, some bettors have probably been swayed by Stickly Cash's gaudy overall record, but what does anybody outside of Combined Locks, Wis., really know about this Pick 'Em Corner rookie? It is for that reason that The Professor would like to invite all of this week's Pick 'Em Corner viewers to attend a free lecture by The Professor tonight at Jackpot Junction in Morton, Minn.

Can't make it? Well, you're in luck, for these are The Professor's Abridged Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen.

Ohio State -12 MICHIGAN
It's Hate Week and The Professor is going to pick the team he hates less in this one. OSU arrogance is bad, but the Michigan arrogance coupled with a jackass for a coach and an overall annoying athletic program is enough for me.

IOWA -9.5 Minnesota
Last week, The Professor got behind the Brew Crew in the interests of unintentional comedy. Then, The Professor attended that horrendous game at TCF Bank Stadium. It is painfully obvious to me now that the Gopher football program has turned from persistently mediocre with a couple of big wins under Glen Mason, to two and a half seasons of top-notch unintentional comedy under Timmy B, to the complete and total farce that passes as Brewster's program today. I don't care if Ferentz trots out The Host's mom to play QB this weekend, the Hawkeyes will roll. In fact...you hear that sound? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! It's The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University!

MIAMI (FL) -19.5 Duke
Last week, The Professor said, "Any time at Pick 'Em Corner that you have a chance to take Steve Stellar's favorite club (sorry, Towson), you do it." I'm ignoring that advice this week and I don't know why. How's that for instilling confidence in the betting public?

ALABAMA -37.5 UT-Chatanooga
The Professor hates big spreads. The Tide will roll is this one, but the Mocs aren't the pushover that they seem. Look at this game as Bama's chance to get Ingram some early yards for his Heisman hopes, but will sit the back in the second half with the game in hand. When that happend, the Mocs will score just enough points to cover.

FLORIDA -44.5 Florida International
Kudos to Alabama and Florida for scheduling these quality opponents this late in the season. Sheesh. I'm not taking the Gators, partly for that reason, partly for the large spread and partly because they don't score.

Oklahoma -6.5 TEXAS TECH
Oklahoma is 1-4 this season outside the state of Oklahoma and they're a 6.5 point favorite in this tilt. Something doesn't add up. Take the Raiders.

tcu -31.5 WYOMING
As mentioned above, The Professor hates big spreads. But this game is a different story from the Alabama and Florida games. While the Tide and Gators are just biding their time until they meet in the SEC title game, TCU must do anything and everything it can to be a BCS Bowl team. That means blowing out the lowly Cowboys.

NOTRE DAME -6 uconn
The Professor has picked the Irish twice this season. What happened both of those times? He lost. Lesson learned.

BYU -10.5 air force
Off we go, into the wild blue yonder!

Penn State -3.5 MICHIGAN STATE
This one is a conundrum for The Professor. I'm 4-2 when picking MSU and 2-0 when picking Sparty's opponent. On the other hand, I'm 3-2 when picking PSU and 1-2 when picking the Nittany Keiser's opponent. That small difference is just enough to make me go with Cornerman's Crew in this one.

Wisconsin -7 NORTHWESTERN
Damn this one hurts to pick, but seven points is just too few for me to go with my heart and take the Wildcats. You bump that spread up to 14 or so, and I'll gladly switch my pick to NU. If I was allowed a second lock, this would be it. Wow, Iowa and Wisconsin as my locks. I'm so ashamed of myself.

Purdue -3.5 INDIANA
The Professor is 5-2 this season when picking the Hoosiers and 1-2-1 when picking the Boilers. Need I explain my pick more?

STANFORD -7.5 california
I'm done picking against the Cardinal. Plus, the Stanford Tree is so much more entertaining than the Oski, which seems perpetually stuck in the 1950s. If it sounds like I'm repeatiny myself a lot from last week to this week, it's because I am. Plus, I have to prepare for my lecture.

TEXAS -27.5 kansas
It's The Host's Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game.

Oregon -6 ARIZONA
This video made this pick an easy one.

Thus concludes The Professor's Abridged Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen.

TMB wants to know

It's Come to This: Gopher Radio Network Giving Away Radios So Someone Will Listen to Dave Lee

In what can only be labeled a sign of declining revenue due to sagging ratings, the Gopher Radio Network, a division of Learfield Sports, sent an e-mail to Gopher football season ticket holders Thursday, offering a free Live Sports Radio for Minnesota's final home game this Saturday against South Dakota State. Reports out of Plano, Texas, the home of Learfield Sports, indicate that the free radio offer is an attempt to woo back listeners to the Gopher Radio Network who have grown disillusioned since Dave Lee became the team's play-by-play voice in 2002.

"I'll be honest with you. I find Dave Lee as unlistenable as the next guy," Stan Koenigsfeld, Learfield Sports Executive Vice President for the Heartland Region, said. "But apparently he's the best play-by-play guy the people at the Gopher Radio Network can come up with. I must admit, it doesn't say much for the radio talent in the Twin Cities, but at least now, with this great offer from the folks at Live Sports Radio, people won't have to pay to listen to him during the game."

Ironically, over the past eight seasons, countless Minnesota football fans have uttered the words, "You couldn't pay me to listen to Dave Lee call Gopher football." Those fans have now been proven somewhat prophetic, thanks to this free radio offer.

The Live Sports Radios were previously available for purchase at home football games for $20 each. According to documents obtained by Mr. Heavyfoot, the Gopher Radio Network and Live Sports Radio pushed for this offer after discovering a ridiculous surplus of Minnesota-branded radios in a Mariucci Arena supply room.

"We don't really want to offer free radios to our season ticket holders, but our hands are tied on this one," a Gopher Radio Network staffer said on condition of anonymity as they were not authorized to speak to members of the media. "We have so damned many of these radios it's not even funny. But look at it this way. Here's your chance to listen to Dave Lee and those other two guys live and free from your seat at TCF Bank Stadium. Never mind that Dave Lee is the worst play-by-play guy in the history of sports. It's free! Never mind that listening to Dave Lee call the game, with NO DELAY mind you, may make it impossible for you to actually follow what's happening on the field. It's free! Did I mention it's free?"

Ratings for Gopher football on the radio have been declining ever since Lee took over the play-by-play duties from the legendary Ray Christensen, the voice of Golden Gopher football and men's basketball from 1951-2001. Lee may be perhaps best known for his complete and utter inability to describe what is happening on the field in crucial moments, from the infamous "Touchdown Ellerson!" call against Northwestern in 2003, to the thoroughly confusing botched punt call against Wisconsin in 2005, to the "...throw across the middle...It's caught!...The Gophers have it!...Touchdown Gophers!" call in describing the game-clinching 59-yard touchdown on a wild deflection from Nick Tow-Arnett to Duane Bennett in Minnesota's 42-34 win over Michigan State on Oct. 31, 2009.

The Gopher Radio Network did see a huge spike in ratings early in the second half of Minnesota's home-opening game against Air Force on Sept. 12, leading some to believe that radio listeners were willing to give Lee another shot. Unfortunately for Lee and Learfield Sports, that wasn't the case.

"Our ratings went through the roof during the Gophers' first offensive series in the second half against Air Force," the anonymous Gopher Radio Network staffer said. "We were ecstatic. We thought with the excitement of the new stadium and the new season, our fans listening to the game on the radio were giving us another chance to win them back. Turns out they were just tuning in to hear Ray Christensen again. After that series, our ratings went back down to where they've been since 2002. What does it say about our current radio situation that people would rather listen to an 82-year-old man than Dave Lee? Don't answer that."

In related news, reports out of Plano indicate that the executives at Learfield Sports are pushing the Gopher Radio Network management to dump Lee in favor of this guy:

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 8 Smart Money Picks

The Professor's sabbatical continues this week, resulting in another edition of The Professor's Abridged Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen.

MINNESOTA -15.5 South Dakota State
I don't want to do it, but I must pick the Gophers over a FCS team. Plus, the unintentional comedy provided by a Brewster-led team is enough reason to pull for the Maroon and Gold and another season of Brewster-ball. Plus-plus, everybody is saying Brewster doesn't have a signature win. This would qualify, wouldn't it? Oh, it wouldn't?

PENN STATE -25 Indiana
I trusted the Nittany Keisers against Ohio State and they failed to show up...at home. Where's the respect for the Hoosiers? Right here with The Professor's endorsement, that's where.

ILLINOIS -4.5 Northwestern
Speaking of respect, can someone explain this line to me? Illinois beats a pair of mediocre to bad teams in Michigan and Minnesota. Meanwhile, Northwestern pulls the upset of the year in the Big Ten. And Illinois is a 4.5 favorite? I don't get it.

WISCONSIN -8.5 Michigan
I really can't believe I'm doing this, but...you hear that sound? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! It's The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University! I've always said it needs to be a special situation for me to pick Bucky. Well, this is it. Meeeechigan is flat-out bad and, sadly, Wisconsin is actually on its way to a 10-2 season. But now The Professor has a conundrum. Does he cheer with his heart and still pull for Michigan? Or does he cheer for Wisconsin to stay atop the Pick 'Em Corner Lock of the Week standings? For the record, I'll be cheering for the lock, not the Badgers...if that makes any sense.

Michigan State -2.5 PURDUE
I hemmed and hawed with this one, but in the end decided that Sparty would kick Purdue Pete's ass in a fight (as long as Pete wasn't allowed to use his sledgehammer) to the tune of three points or more.

NAVY -17 Delaware (Rotel Armed Services Game)
Anchors aweigh, my boy, anchors aweigh!

Nebraska -4.5 KANSAS
It's The Host's Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game.

OHIO STATE -16.5 Iowa
I know Iowa is decimated with injuries and I know Ohio State looked pretty darn good last week against Penn State, but I just can't see the still very formidable Hawkeye defense letting the Buckeyes pull away by 17 points or more.

CALIFORNIA -3 Arizona
Stay far, far away from this game...or any game in the muddled Pac-10 for that matter. I'm taking Arizona because Mark May on College Football Live just told me how much of a pleasant surprise they've been this season. I don't care much for Mark May, but I don't care much for this game either. Mark May, don't let me down.

USC -10.5 Stanford
I'm done picking against the Cardinal. Plus, the Stanford band is so much more entertaining than the USC band, which seems to know only two songs.

Alabama -12.5 MISSISSIPPI STATE (Butterball Roll Tide Turkey Game)
I take a week off from picking the Tide and I get screwed. Forgive me, Almighty Saban, for I have sinned. ROLL! TIDE! TURKEY!

GEORGIA -4 Auburn
[Analysis redacted.]

Miami (FL) -3 NORTH CAROLINA
Any time at Pick 'Em Corner that you have a chance to take Steve Stellar's favorite club (sorry, Towson), you do it.

OKLAHOMA ST. -4 Texas Tech
It's a game between a pair of teams that are nowhere near as good as they were last year. That being said, Texas Tech 2009 has fallen farther from their 2008 level than Oklahoma State 2009 has.

PITTSBURGH -7 Notre Dame
Tale of the tape time:
Mustache vs. Gut.....Advantage 'stache

Thus concludes The Professor's Abridged Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen.

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 7 Smart Money Picks

The Professor is on sabbatical this week from providing full breakdowns. My sincerest apologies to all of The Professor's Pupils. Keep in mind these picks are being made under the influence of Grain Belt Premium.

Wisconsin -10.5 INDIANA
I thrive when picking the Hoosiers and can't handle picking the Badgers.

MICHIGAN STATE -20 Western Michigan
MSU isn't as bad as their loss to Minnesota last week makes it seem.

MICHIGAN -6 Purdue
No team that loses to Ron Zook is worthy of being picked the week after.

MINNESOTA -6.5 Illinois
No team that is coached by Ron Zook is worthy of being picked, regardless of last week's result.

IOWA -16.5 Northwestern
The blonde on the couch across from me likes the Wildcats.

MIAMI (FL) -13.5 Virginia (The Geller Game)
The Ron Zook Corellate also apples to Al Groh.

Kansas -2.5 KANSAS STATE
Good KU offense overcomes bad KU defense by 2.5 points or more.

NOTRE DAME -11 Navy (Rotel Aremed Services Game)
Anchors aweigh!

PENN STATE -3.5 Ohio State
Love the Nittany Keisers in this one.

ALABAMA -7.5 lsu (Butterball Roll Tide Turkey Game)
Two bad offenses means 7.5 points are just too much.

Oregon -6.5 STANFORD
Consider this The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, presented by National American University. Vegas is just trying to give money away here.

FLORIDA -35 Vanderbilt (The I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Big Spread Game)
Only because it's a whole lot more fun cheering against Florida than it it to cheer for them.

CINCINNATI -16.5 uconn
My Reno, NV insider likes the Huskies (I'm not kidding. I really have a Reno insider.)

Oklahoma -5 NEBRASKA
I saw some of that ISU-NU game. That's enough for me to pick the Sooners.

usc -10 ARIZONA STATE
Ever seen an angry Spartan?

Thus concludes The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by the City of Chanhassen.