Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 1 Smart Money Picks
Quiet, everyone. Find your seats. It's time to get started. First of all, welcome back to campus. I trust you had an enjoyable offseason.
My name is The Professor. Welcome to The Professor's Smart Money Picks 101, a crucial part of the curriculum known as Pick 'Em Corner. I've been handicapping college football games for decades now and would like you to know that I am the two-time defending Pick 'Em Corner Big Ten Regular Season Handicapping Champion. Pay no mind to my predictions for games outside the Big Ten regular season.
For those of you not familiar with The Professor and my process for handicapping college football games, I've included a brief syllabus:
1. The Professor is proud to return as the presenter of The Professor's Service Academy Game of the Week (SAGoW), brought to you by Armed Forces Network.
2. The Professor ALWAYS chooses the service academy squad in the SAGoW, no matter the matchup or spread.
3. The Professor will weekly provide you with a prediction on which to place the bulk of your bankroll. This prediction will be known as The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University.
4. The Professor will do his darndest to avoid picking Wisconsin and Iowa during the season, but ridiculous betting lines may prevent him from doing so from time to time.
5. The Professor uses a mathematical process he created to decide games involving Illinois. The Ron Zook Postulate states that any game involving noted waterskiing head coach Ron Zook should be picked in favor of the Fighting Illini's opponent when the spread seems reasonable if it involved any other coach.
6. From time to time, The Professor will sponsor the Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game, brought to you by The Host and RO*TEL.
7. The Professor's colleagues in the Pick 'Em Corner curriculum include, but are not limited to, The Host, Steve Stellar, The Cornerman, KCKCKCK, The Veteran, Miss Money, autoMATTic, Strickly Cash, Money Traen, C-Noth, Lockrem's Locks and Special G. Do not trust your money to them and their picks.
8. The Professor will use Mr. Heavyfoot as the homepage for The Professor's Smart Money Picks of the Week. Given enough time and/or the hiring of a quality TA, Mr. Heavyfoot will host the Pick 'Em Corner weekly picks and standings.
9. The Professor's Smart Money Picks will be distinguished in bold. The home team is listed in ALL CAPS.
Without further ado, sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and enjoy the lecture, for these are The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by the City of Chanhassen.
INDIANA -18 Towson
We start of the season with a game near and dear to my colleague Steve Stellar's heart. You see, Stellar attended Towson University or Towson State or Towson School of the Hard of Hearing or whatever they want to be referred to as now. He'll undoubtedly put away all reason and logic and pick the Tigers to pull the upset on the road. He, of course, will be wrong. Very, very wrong. You see, Towson is picked to finish in the cellar of the Colonial Athletic Association, a league of powerhouse squads like Rhode Island, James Madison and William & Mary. I don't care if plenty of experts are picking the Hoosiers to finish below even Minnesota in the Big Ten. Big Ten cellar dwellers will always beat CAA basement teams by 18 points or more. You know what? Let's start this season off with a bang. YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It's The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University!
#2 OHIO STATE -28.5 Marshall
The Professor hemmed and hawed on this one. Of course, OSU will win and win big, but they will certainly hold something back for their week 2 tilt against Miami. On the other hand, the vaunted Buckeye defense is plenty good enough to pitch a near shutout, meaning all the offense has to do is score four touchdowns and a field goal to cover. What to do? To decide, I called Marshall's most famous alum, Randy Moss. He told me to not bother writing a check and instead lay "straight cash, homey" on the Buckeyes. Who am I to argue with a man who has made his mark as an Inta Juice entrepreneur.
Minnesota -3 MIDDLE TENN ST.
Coming off another mediocre season, Minnesota players and coaches tell us of their unbridled enthusiasm and opimism for the upcoming campaign. They tell us they "have something special" and that "this team is really hungry." It's an annual tradition here in Gopher Nation. Ever since The Professor pledged his steadfast support of the Golden Gophers many years ago, the refrain has been the same. And many years, I'd fall for it. Not this year, my friends. The Professor isn't quite ready to give up on Minny like the rest of the nation, but he's certainly not going to buy any of the hype that Timmy B and his players are trying to sell to us. Nevertheless, Minnesota is playing a Sun Belt team in Middle Tennessee State. Yes, the Raiders won 10 games last year and would love to notch a win against a BCS team, but it ain't going to happen this week. The Gophers will actually stick to Brewster's "Pound the Rock" mantra now that idiot offensive coordinator Jedd Fisch is gone, and wear down the undersized MTSU defense. It won't be pretty and it won't be a resounding Minnesota win, but a win and a cover nonetheless.
Missouri -11.5 Illinois (Played in St. Louis)
The Ron Zook Postulate rears its ugly head this season in this neutral site rivalry game. As stated in the above syllabus, The Professor is wise to pick against Illinois in this game as the Illini are coached by Ron Zook. The Postulate would certainly not apply if Illinois was being coached by pretty much anyone else (with the possible exception of Tim Brewster). The Ron Zook Postulate and the Ron Zook Farewell Tour, both in the second years, get started off with a bang as Mizzou cruises to an easy win.
#24 UTAH -3 #15 Pittsburgh
This is essentially a pick-em game with the bookies giving Utah the three-point edge based on playing at home. But The Professor asks, "Is the atmosphere at Rice-Eccles Stadium worth even three points against a quality ranked team like Pitt?" To find out, I spoke with former Utah SID and current Minnesota SID Andy Seeley. Perhaps the best of the best in the U of M Athletic Communications office, Seeley backed his former employer, choosing to support his pick in song: "The Utes and Rice-Eccles are going rock all niii-iiight, and party ev-er-ry day!
MICHIGAN ST. -23 Western Michigan
In the past, The Professor has turned to Judd Heathcote for breakdowns of Michigan State games, but Judd is getting a tad senile these days. So, for this game, I'm turning to another former MSU coach who has a calm and soothing demeanor - John L. Smith. Take it away, John L.
How can you argue with that kind of passion? Go Sparty.
#14 PENN STATE -30.5 Youngstown State
It's been a rough week for the Nittany Lions. No, there weren't any major injuries to key players. And, no, Joe Paterno didn't poop himself during practice. Instead, the guy who serves as the Nittany Lion mascot was charged with public drunkenness. Looking to prove that Nittany Lions are not just a bunch of drunken idiots, expect Penn State to roll over YSU.
#10 IOWA -32 Eastern Illinois
Statistic time: In openers from 2001 to 2008, the Hawkeyes went 8-0 winning by a combined score of 317 to 44 or an average of 39.6 to 5.5. The Professor likes numbers and the numbers say "expect a rout."
MICHIGAN -3 Connecticut
Turns out, those extra practices really didn't help the Wolverines at all.
NOTRE DAME -11 Purdue
The Professor hates Notre Dame with a passion. There's just so much to hate. The arrogance even though the program has absolutely sucked for so many years. The NBC broadcast lovefests. Lou Holtz's lisp. Rudy. The BCS exemption. That stupid leprechaun. It's enough to make The Professor want to say:
#1 ALABAMA -37 San Jose State (Roll Tide Turkey GOW)
I bet against Alabama too many times last season and lost. Not this year. Not this week. Even without Mark Ingram, the Tide will roll over San Jose State. Say it with me now, ROLL! TIDE! TURKEY! What does that even mean, by the way?
Northwestern -5.5 VANDERBILT
There's nothing quite like an early-season Big Ten vs. SEC match-up to really get a barometer on conference supremacy. Oh. It's Northwestern-Vanderbilt. Never mind. Go Cats, I guess.
#7 TCU -13.5 #22 Oregon State
How can you pick against a team that just recently had the college football arrest of the year? You can't. Also, 13.5 points are an awful lot to give a fellow ranked team.
#12 Wisconsin -20.5 UNLV
It's time for The Professor's weekly lecture on the concept of schadenfreude, defined as "satisfaction or pleasure felt at someone else's misfortune." Nothing explains The Professor's feelings about the University of Wisconsin better then schadenfreude. To wit, when the Big Ten division alignments were announced this week, The Professor took great joy in Badger fans' complaining that they got screwed by being placed with Ohio State an Penn State. There really is nothing better than Bucky-related schadenfreude:
Go Rebels!
Navy -6.5 MARYLAND (Service Academy GOW)
Anchors Aweigh, my boys, Anchors Aweigh! In related news, check out this nice article on Navy QB Ricky Dobbs and the Midshipmen's quest for a perfect season.
#5 Boise State -2.5 #6 Virginia Tech (Played in DC)
Class time is running short, so I'll keep this short. This is Boise State's year to play BCS buster.
Thus concludes The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen.
0 comments:
Post a Comment