Ladies of Bierman Distraught as Battaglini Prepares to Leave for Carleton

Hordes of single women that work in the Bierman Field Athletic Building are distraught this week as tall, dark and handsome assistant women's tennis coach Luciano Battaglini announced that his final day at the University of Minnesota will be Friday, June 29. A native of Brazil, Battaglini will be leaving his post at the U of M to become the new Carleton College head women's tennis coach. He will also serve as an assistant professor in the physical education, athletics and recreation department at Carleton. Battaglini will be honored at a Brazilian Carnival-themed Going-Away Party at the Library Bar & Grill in the near future.

"I can't believe Luciano is leaving and I never got my picture taken with him," Assistant Athletic Communications Director Michelle Train said. "Working in this office with all these homely guys, seeing Luciano in the hallways of Bierman has been a breath of fresh air. Who am I going to swoon after when he leaves? Geller? Romo? Pffft."

Battaglini's supervisor, Golden Gopher women's tennis head coach Tyler Thomson, expressed a hint of sadness with losing his assistant, but indicated that perhaps losing Battaglini would result in a more conducive office environment.

"Listen, I love Looch to death, but I get nothing done when we're both in our offices," Thomson said. "I mean, the parade of single women who come into our suite just to bat their eyes and say hi to Looch was getting ridiculous. I realize he's exotic and all that, but sheesh, it was a daily cavalcade of ladies in here."

With Battaglini's last day just a week away, single women from various offices in the Bierman Building are banding together in an effort to convince the swarthy and alluring Brazilian to stay at the U of M. Several women have organized into the Gopher Ladies for Luciano (GoLaLu) to raise funds to keep the swarthy and alluring tennis coach on staff at the U of M.

"Tall, dark and handsome are not exactly the words that come to mind when talking about the men of the Bierman Building," Golden Gopher Fund staffer Jessica Fleischmann said. "Luciano changed that and now he's leaving. I'm devastated. That's why I started GoLaLu. I'm not going to let all those Portuguese language classes we've been taking go to waste without a fight. Luciano, nós amamos te."

"I have a boyfriend, but he knows I'm smitten with Luciano," photographer Alicia Jerome said. "I could listen to him talk for hours with that adorable accent of his. Don't leave, Luciano. Listening to Brad James speak Australian just isn't the same."

"Before I got engaged, I had my heart set on currying Luciano's favor," Athletic Communications veteran Sara Berhow said. "I've always had a thing for Mexicans. Don't tell my fiancé."

Not every single woman in Bierman Building has joined forces with GoLaLu, indicating Battaglini's appeal extends only so far.

"Luciano is just not arrogant enough for me," Administrative Specialist Meghan Potter said. "Plus, I'm pretty sure he's never once played hockey. Those are pretty much my standards for a man and he just doesn't meet them. Good luck at Carleton, Luciano."

"I think Looch has Adonis potential, but he's no Steve Geller," Golden Gopher Fund donor coordinator Becky Hennen said.