Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 2 Smart Money Picks

 The Professor went 10-12 in week 1. I feel like the Youngstown State punter (above). 

However, Wisconsin lost in “piss down their leg” fashion to LSU in the opening week's marquee game. Net result? A win for The Professor and for the great concept of Schadenfreude.

Now let us never again speak of The Professor’s Pick ‘em Corner Week 1 again ... unless it's about Bucky's tears.

Moving on.

Sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and enjoy the lecture, for these are The Professor’s Smart Money Picks, brought to you by Tuttle’s Eat Bowl Play. Bet Smart®

Kansas State -13 IOWA STATE

There’s a reason Iowa State alum father has not stepped foot in Ames for decades now. It’s the football team … and Ames – despite what that Hooray for Ames! video says.

ALABAMA -41 Florida Atlantic

Florida Atlantic sounds like a memorization tool for kids who are really bad at geography and need help remembering which ocean Florida borders. “Florida … Atlantic. California … Pacific.” The Owls lost by 48 to Nebraska and I’m supposed to expect them to stay within 41 to Bama. Methinks not. ROLL TIDE TURKEY

Missouri -4 TOLEDO

Mizzou learned their lesson after taking their foot off the gas against TOUCHDOWN JACKRABBITS last week, and won’t do the same this week, especially in Gary Pinkel’s Toledo Homecoming … which just sounds downright depressing … or the name of a really bad band you might see at a county fair.

Navy -4 TEMPLE

Temple upset Vanderbilt last week and held the Commodores to 1.9 yards per rush in the process. I double dog dare you to do the same this week, Owls.

TEXAS -2 BYU

Angry Longhorns > Mormon Cougars (which sounds like the worst kind of woman you can pick up at a bar).

NORTH CAROLINA -16 San Diego State

It’s the Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game (DAOtLotTTIACATG?G), brought to you by Casa de Autos. [Game analysis intentionally left blank]

Oregon State -11 HAWAI’I

Beavers > Rainbows. Who’s with me?

AUBURN -32 San Jose State

It’s The Professor’s Points-A-Plenty Game of the Week, brought to you by Breezy Point Resort. I’d really like to take the Spartans to thank them for trucking the hated Hostile and Abusive Nicknames from North Dakota last week, but alas I cannot. Why? ESS! EEE! CEE!

STANFORD -3 USC

 The Cardinal is riding a national-best 17-game home winning streak. Plus, the Tree makes me smile.

NEBRASKA - 35.5 McNeese State

Bo Pelini laid the wood to Florida Atlantic last week for one reason … the Owls were the former home of his wacky brother, Carl. There is no such motivation with McNeese State. Look for Bo to call off the dogs after going up by 37 with the Cowboys scoring once in garbage time for the backdoor cover.

RUTGERS - 42.5 Howard

Howard lost by 76 to Old Dominion last year. Howard the Duck would put up a better up a better fight than the Howard Bison.

PENN STATE -15 Akron

The Professor is a mascot aficionado, like it or not. Penn State’s mascot sucks. The Nittany Lion looks like the mascot of a middle school parent threw together with carpet remnants and a paper mache cougar head. The Akron mascot? A kangaroo featuring a pouch with – what else? – a zipper. The Professor met Zippy once. I enjoyed his shtick. Go Zips.

WISCONSIN -39 Western Illinois

It’s been a gong show in Madison this week with Gary Andersen looking like a bigger clown than Bert Bielema … hard to believe, I know. “Melvin Gordon was hurt so we benched him. Wait, no, he wasn’t hurt. He’s fine. I don’t know what’s going on.” “Joel Stave was hurt, so we benched him. Wait, no he wasn’t hurt. He’s fine. He just has the yips.” Goooooood, gooooooood, let the Schadenfreude flow through you.

ILLINOIS -6 Western Kentucky

The Tim Beckman Axiom got its first test last week and it passed with flying colors as the Illini had to rally to beat Youngstown State. This week, the Axiom gets another test as the Hilltoppers come to town with a high-flying offense. Expect the Axiom to get proved again as Illini gets embarrassed at home.

PURDUE -4 Central Michigan

Last week, the Boilers struggled to beat a MAC team that won one game last season. They’ll do more than struggle this week against a MAC team that won six games last season. Go Chippewas.

MINNESOTA -16 Middle Tennessee

All the hemming and hawing about the Gopher offense last week will be for naught as the running attack will be bolstered by an improved performance from Mitch Leidner. Expect another laugher at TCFBS.

Maryland -13 USF

DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It’s The Professor’s Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University! Maryland scores at will in a rout of USF and I’m still not happy about the Terps being in the Big Ten, making me pick Maryland games each week.

NORTHWESTERN -7 Northern Illinois

Northern Illinois fans drown out the Mildcat faithful and JustNorthwestern’s 2014 season continues its downward spiral.

IOWA -17 Ball State

You know I’m going with Ball State, thanks to Schadenfreude, but I watched a fair amount of that Iowa-Northern Iowa game and came away unimpressed by the Hawkeyes (who some picked to win the West). The Iowa pass defense leaves a lot to be desired and the Ball State game plan will exploit it to keep this one close.

OREGON -12 Michigan State

This is strictly a “I’m taking the team who I want to win here so I can enjoy watching this game” move on my part, but until I’m shown otherwise, beware of Big Ten teams playing big-time opponents in early season nonconference games.

MICHIGAN -4 Notre Dame

Taking the Irish here only because Stellar messed up.

OHIO STATE -11 Virginia Tech

The Buckeyes got a scare against the Midshipmen last week, but that was all because of the hard-to-prepare-for triple option attack Navy uses. There’s no such worry in this game and Ohio State thrives against a more conventional team.

2014 Pick ‘em Corner Standings (locks in parentheses) 

1. KCKCKCK – 15-7 (1-0) – 17 pts

2. The Cornerman – 13-9 (1-0) – 15 pts

2. C-Noth – 13-9 (1-0) – 15 pts

4. The Veteran – 12-10 (1-0) – 14 pts

5. Mr. Money – 13-9 (0-1) – 13 pts

5. The Host – 11-11 (1-0) – 13 pts

7. Larry Traversie –10-12 (1-0) – 12 pts

7. Mrs. Money – 12-10 (0-1) – 12 pts

9. Lockrem’s Locks – 11-11 (0-1) – 11 pts

9. Strickly Cash – 9-13 (1-0) – 11 pts

10. The Professor – 10-12  (0-1) – 10 pts

10. Big Game-Bob – 10-10 (0-0) – 10 pts

11. Your Picks Ain't Schmidt – 7-15 (1-0) – 9 pts

11. Wick to Click – 9-13 (0-1) – 9 pts

12. Steve Stellar – 7-15 (0-1) – 7 pts

13. Money Traen – 0-2 (0-0) – 0 pts

13. The Line Adjuster – 0-0 (0-0) – 0 pts

13. Foreman’s Forecast – 0-0 (0-0) – 0 pts

13. auto-MATT-ic – 0-0 (0-0) – 0 pts

The Professor in 2014 Pick 'Em Corner

Overall record: 10-12 (.455)

Statistically-Proven Locks: 0-1 (.000)

Games involving Big Ten teams: 7-7 (.500)

Games not involving Big Ten teams: 3-5 (.375)

Minnesota games: 0-1 (.000)

Schadenfreude Games (Wisconsin, Iowa, Notre Dame): 2-1 (.667)

Service Academy Games: 0-1 (.000)

Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Games: 0-1 (.000)

Roll Tide Turkey Games: 0-1 (.000)

Tim Beckman Axiom Games: 1-0 (1.000)

Professor’s Point-A-Plenty Games: 0-1 (.000)