Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 1 Smart Money Picks

My name is The Professor. Welcome to The Professor's Smart Money Picks 101, a crucial part of the curriculum known as Pick 'em Corner. I've been handicapping college football games for decades now and would like you to know that I am a three-time Pick 'Em Corner Regular Season Handicapping Champion (2008, 2009, 2012). Pay no mind to my predictions for games outside the regular season.

For those of you not familiar with The Professor and my process for handicapping college football games, I've included a brief syllabus:

1. The Professor is proud to return as the presenter of The Professor's Service Academy Game of the Week (SAGoW), brought to you by Armed Forces Network.

2. The Professor ALWAYS chooses the service academy squad in the SAGoW, no matter the matchup or spread.

3. The Professor will provide you with a weekly prediction on which to place the bulk of your bankroll. This prediction will be known as The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University.

4. The Professor will do his darndest to avoid picking Wisconsin and Iowa during the season, but ridiculous betting lines may prevent him from doing so from time to time.

5. Gone is the Ron Zook Postulate and the Tim Brewster Theorem. They have been replaced by the Tim Beckman Axiom. Established for the 2013 season, the axiom states that any game involving Illinois head coach Tim Beckman should be picked in favor of Chief Illiniwek’s opponent when the spread seems reasonable if it involved any other coach.

6. The Professor mockingly provides the Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game, brought to you by RO*TEL. No analysis will be given for a game that pretty much nobody will ever pay attention to.

7. In 2011, The Professor unveiled The Professor’s Schadenfreude Game of the Week, presented by Gasthof Zur Gemutlichkeit. This game will feature a team or teams that The Professor takes great joy to see fail and fail miserably.

8. The Professor is happy to present The Professor’s Points-A-Plenty Game of the Week, brought to you by Breezy Point Resort. Each week, The Professor will pick a game that is sure to feature a multitude of scoring, for all of you out there that are weary of the B1G’s “three yards and a cloud of dust” and prefer your football games to look like basketball games on the scoreboard. Expect a lot of Oregon and Baylor games in this category.

9. The Professor's colleagues in the Pick 'em Corner curriculum include, but are not limited to, The Former Host, Steve Stellar, The Cornerman, KCKCKCK, The Veteran, Mrs. Money, Mr. Money, Strickly Cash, Money Traen, C-Noth, Lockrem's Locks, Wick to Click, The Line Adjuster, Your Picks Ain’t Schmidt, Big-Game Bob and Larry. Do not trust your money to them and their picks.

10. The Professor will use Mr. Heavyfoot (http://mrheavyfoot.blogspot.com) as the homepage for The Professor's Smart Money Picks of the Week. Given enough time and/or the hiring of a quality TA, Mr. Heavyfoot will host the Pick 'em Corner weekly picks and standings.

11. The Professor's Smart Money Picks will be distinguished in bold (CAPS denotes home team).

Without further ado, sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and enjoy the lecture, for these are The Professor’s Smart Money Picks, brought to you by Tuttle’s Eat Bowl Play. Bet Smart®

IOWA STATE -4.5 North Dakota State

It pains me to make this pick, but until Iowa State show it actually has a pulse, I have to go with an underdog who really isn’t an underdog. The Bison have won four straight against FBS teams and they’ll continue that streak, thanks to a defense that returns 10 starters. The big downside? An already obnoxious fan base gets even obnoxiouser (not a word).

ALABAMA -26.5 West Virginia

Ever come face to face with an angry elephant? I have. Wait, no I haven’t. But it can’t be fun. ROLL TIDE TURKEY.

NOTRE DAME -20.5 Rice

Rice is the most widely consumed staple food for a large part of the world’s population. Notre Dame is a school jam-packed with a sanctimonious (look it up, Mrs. Money) attitude of moral, ethical, academic and athletic superiority despite countless examples of the opposite. Advantage: Rice.

AUBURN -20.5 Arkansas

Did you know? Auburn coach Gus Malzahn’s full name is Arthur Gustav Malzahn III. It’s true. Sounds like the name of a World War I German artillery man. Meanwhile, Bret Bielema looks like Butthead’s dad. War Damn Eagle.

GEORGIA -7.5 Clemson

No Tajh Boyd and no Sammy Watkins means the Dawgs get their revenge for last season’s 38-35 loss to the Tigers.

USC -21 Fresno State

David Carr ain’t walking through that door.

Florida State -17.5 Oklahoma State

All my source is #Tally can talk about is how much #NoleSwag his #EliteBallers have as #NoleNation looks to win another #Natty by being #NoleBlooded and going from #Dalls2Dallas. I have no idea what that means, so I’m just assuming he knows what he’s talking about.

LOUISVILLE -3.5 Miami (Fla.)

In honor of keeping Pick ‘em Corner alive for yet another season, I’m taking Steve Stellar’s favorite club.

UCF -2 Penn State (Dublin, Ireland)

UCF is the Rodney Dangerfield of college football. No respect, I tells ya. 

INDIANA -31 Indiana State

This is a rarity. You’re getting a 2-for-1 from The Professor here with a pair of sponsored features in this game. First, DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It’s The Professor’s Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University! Second, it’s the Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game (DAOtLotTTIACATG?G), brought to you by Casa de Autos. It’s really a perfect combo. This is lock in a game you didn’t want to watch anyway. Just lock it in and check the score in the morning.

PURDUE -10.5 Western Michigan

If Notre Dame is Purdue with nicer helmets, what does that make Purdue? Also, if a tree falls in the woods, does anyone care about this game?

MICHIGAN STATE -35 Jacksonville State

Max Shortell is a ginger quarterback. That’s good for a cover in my book.

MICHIGAN -34 Appalachian State

Ivana Trump once said, “Gorgeous hair is the best revenge.” She may be right, but I tend to side with Bill Shakespeare: “If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh? If you poison us do we not die? And if you wrong us shall we not revenge?” Pretty sure he was talking about college football.

ILLINOIS -30 Youngstown State

It’s the season’s first test of the Tim Beckman Axiom. I’d love to turn it from theory into fact. Go Penguins.

IOWA -14 Northern Iowa

So The Professor’s oldest son nailed The Professor in his special purpose with a small soccer ball the other day, sending The Professor into convulsions of pain on the dirty garage floor. What did said son do in response? He laughed and laughed and laughed. That, my pupils, is Schadenfreude. My prayer is that I’ll get to see the Hawkeyes and their ridiculous fans writing on the ground in agony. And what will I do in response? Laugh and laugh and laugh. Then I’ll go out and drink beer from a large boot Gasthof Zur Gemutlichkeit. 

Ohio State -14 NAVY (Baltimore, Md.)

Umm, what’s with this line? Sure, Braxton Miller is out, but this is The Ohio State we’re talking about here. And they’re playing Navy. What gives? Sponsor obligations have forced me to pick the Midshipmen here, but if you know what’s good for you, you’ll take the Bucks. For me, it’s Anchors Aweigh (and the sinking of my week 1 record as well).

MARYLAND -21 James Madison

Lightning round time.

NORTHWESTERN -10.5 Cal

Too many points for a Cats team searching for an identity after the loss of a couple of key players.

NEBRASKA -21 Florida Atlantic

Florida Pacific might have a chance against the Huskers, but not Florida Atlantic.

LSU -5 Wisconsin (Houston, Texas)

Image from the future after LSU pounds Wisconsin to dash Bucky’s College Football Playoff hopes in week 1: