Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 3 Smart Money Picks

This space is usually reserved for The Professor do brag and boast on his performance at prognosticating college football games. But since The Professor is under .500, winless on his locks and mired in in 11^th place, he won’t. Instead, here’s a picture from the forthcoming book Underwater Puppies.

Now, sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and enjoy the lecture, for these are The Professor’s Smart Money Picks, brought to you by Tuttle’s Eat Bowl Play. Bet Smart®

MISSOURI -10 UCF

If the #HotSportsTakes are to be believed, the Big Ten sucks this year, so UCF’s near win over Penn State two weeks ago in Dublin isn’t all that impressive. With the added #HotSportsTake of #EssEeeCeeSpeed and the like, the Fighting Seeleys will be overmatched against a pretty darn good Mizzou team.

OREGON -43 Wyoming

Craig Bohl may very well be a good coach who will build Wyoming into a giant killer, but not this year and definitely not this week. Quack! Quack! Quack.

MIAMI -16 Arkansas State

It’s the Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game (DAOtLotTTIACATG?G), brought to you by Casa de Autos. [Game analysis intentionally left blank]

Georgia -6 SOUTH CAROLINA

South Carolina’s defense flat-out sucks.

STANFORD -28 Army

In a game between smart kids who will one day start their own tech company and smart kids who will one day fire weapons on desert in the Middle East, I’ll take the kids with the guns. Also, The Professor would like to  thank the Armed Forces Network for their continued sponsorship of The Professor's Service Academy Game of the Week (SAGoW).

ALABAMA -48 Southern Mississippi

Southern Miss lost 49-0 to Mississippi State and squeaked by noted clown college Alcorn State last week. Meanwhile, Bama lost its No. 2 spot in the AP poll to Oregon. Take the Turkey.

UCLA -7 TEXAS

UCLA is a complete team on both sides of the ball, while Texas is struggling to score points.

OKLAHOMA -21 Tennessee

The Vols have played 22 true freshmen. Oklahoma is ranked fourth in the nation. Boomer Sooner.

USC -17 BOSTON COLLEGE

The Trojans got by their nemesis in Stanford, so there’s no reason to believe they’ll take their foot off the gas against a hockey school.

TEXAS TECH -2 Arkansas

Woo Pig Sooie gave up nearly 600 yards to Auburn. And Bret Bielema is a d-bag. Take the Raiders with their dreamy head coach.

VIRGINIA TECH -11 East Carolina

Admiral Akbar says it’s a trap and who am I to argue?

Louisville -7 VIRGINIA

Charlottesville seems like a nice place to visit.

MARYLAND -4 West Virginia

It’s The Professor’s Points-A-Plenty Game of the Week, brought to you by Breezy Point Resort. West Virginia has a nice passing game, but Maryland’s passing attack is due for a big game with the likes of Stefon Diggs just waiting to explode. Great Big East match-up here (find the mistake in that statement, Mrs. Money).

Indiana -8 BOWLING GREEN

Bowling Green got killed by Western Kentucky, losing their starting QB in the process. Meanwhile, Indiana is rested and due for a big offensive game. Also, BGSU wears brown.

OHIO STATE -32 Kent State

I wouldn’t want to be a Golden Flash this week. What is a Golden Flash, anyway?

IOWA -10 Iowa State

DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It’s The Professor’s Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University! I’m 0-2 in these games, so buyer beware, but Iowa has been downright embarrassing so far this season. In fact, Mr. & Mrs. Money have twice had to change Baby Money out of his Hawkeye onesie, thanks to the 2-month-old ralphing all over said onesie while watching the past two Iowa games. Baby Money knows a bad football team when he sees one, and Iowa is just that. Sure, Iowa State is bad, too, but he doesn’t own any Cyclone gear, so that’s the narrative. Also, Schadenfreude.

MICHIGAN -31 Miami (Ohio)

This would be a good game of hockey. Football, not so much.

TCU -14 Minnesota

So many question marks in this game, from Minnesota’s QB situation and ability to put together a complete game, to the possibility that TCU has turned the page from a dreadful 2013 season. Aside from going into sleepwalk mode in the second half of weeks 1 and 2, the Gopher defense has been impressive. Expect the secondary to make a difference against a quick TCU offense. Meanwhile, TCU’s run D is outstanding and will look to shut down a strong Gopher ground attack. It’s strength against strength on both sides of the ball, so that tells me we’re in store for a low-scoring slog. In that case, 14 points it just too much for the Frogs to win by.

WASHINGTON -14 Illinois

The Tim Beckman Axiom took a hit last week in the Illini’s comeback win over Western Kentucky, so I’m daring the Axiom to rear its ugly head again. Illinois loses, but only by 11.

NOTRE DAME -28 Purdue

Purdue is bad. Really, really bad. Even Schadenfreude is afraid of Purdue’s awfulness.

Penn State -4 RUTGERS

Go back from whence you came, Rutgers. Your mere presence in the Midwest’s bastion of elite college athletics makes me ill.

Nebraska -11 FRESNO STATE

Nebraska is out to prove last week’s near-loss to McNeese State was a fluke.

2014 Pick ‘em Corner Standings (locks in parentheses) 

1. C-Noth – 25-18-1 (2-0) – 29 pts

2. Mr. Money - 25-18-1 (1-1) – 27 pts

2. The Host – 23-20-1 (2-0) – 27 pts

4. Mrs. Money – 25-18-1 (0-2) – 25 pts

5. Lockrem’s Locks – 21-22-1 (1-1) – 23 pts

6. Larry Traversie – 20-23-1 (1-1) – 22 pts

6. The Cornerman – 20-23-1 (1-1) – 22 pts

8. KCKCKCK – 19-24-1 (1-1) – 21 pts

9. The Veteran – 19-24-1 (1-1) – 21 pts

9. Wick to Click –21-22-1 (0-2) – 21 pts

11. The Professor – 20-23-1 (0-2) – 20 pts

12. Big Game Bob – 17-24-1 (1-0) – 19 pts

12. Your Picks Ain’t Schmidt – 17-26-1 (1-1) – 19 pts

14. Strickly Cash – 16-27-1 (1-1) – 18 pts

14. Steve Stellar – 16-27-1 (1-1) – 18 pts

15. Money Traen – 0-2 (0-0) – 0 pts

13. The Line Adjuster – 0-0 (0-0) – 0 pts

13. Foreman’s Forecast – 0-0 (0-0) – 0 pts

13. auto-MATT-ic – 0-0 (0-0) – 0 pts

The Professor in 2014 Pick 'Em Corner

Overall record: 20-23-1 (.466)

Statistically-Proven Locks: 0-2 (.000)

Games involving Big Ten teams: 13-14 (.481)

Games not involving Big Ten teams: 7-9-1 (.441)

Minnesota games: 0-2 (.000)

Schadenfreude Games (Wisconsin, Iowa, Notre Dame): 5-1 (.833)

Service Academy Games: 1-1 (.500)

Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Games: 1-1 (.500)

Roll Tide Turkey Games: 0-1-1 (.250)

Tim Beckman Axiom Games: 1-1 (.500)

Professor’s Point-A-Plenty Games: 1-1 (.500)