Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 5 Smart Money Picks

UCLA -4 ARIZONA STATE

The Sun Devils’ color scheme is attractive. Powder blue and gold is lame, kind of like the elbow of the Bruins QB. DEVILS!!!

GEORGIA -17 Tennessee

Rocky Top is a catchy, but eventually annoying song. Meanwhile, Uga makes me smile. Go Dawgs.

Army -15 YALE

On July 14, 2011 now-Army employee Jason Butikofer hit for the cycle in a 20-14 win for mediocre softball team Weekend at Bierman over the Seville Sluggers. In that same game, now-Yale employee went 1-for-4. Advantage: Army. On brave old Army team!

Florida State -19 NC STATE

This a rare non-Wisconsin/Iowa/Notre Dame Schadenfreude pick for The Professor, but the Seminoles, their law-breaking QB and their obnoxious tight ends coach deserve the hate. Go Wolfpack.

TEXAS A&M -9 Arkansas (in Dallas)

Bert Bielema is a douchebag. Go Aggies.

Temple -5 UCONN

It’s the Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game (DAOtLotTTIACATG?G), brought to you by Casa de Autos. Please kill me.

Stanford -8 WASHINGTON

I have a friend who went to Stanford who played in the band, got two degrees before I got one and is now a real professor at a Big Ten university. I have no such connection to Washington. Go Cardinal.

SOUTH CAROLINA -6 Missouri

Missouri lost to Indiana. At home. Let that sink in. INDIANA. AT HOME. THEY LOST TO INDIANA AT HOME. Go Cocks.

UTAH -13 Washington State

Quiz time for Mrs. Money (who is somehow in third place in Pick ‘em Corner despite having absolutely no clue about anything in college football): To what conference do the Utah Utes belong? (She has no idea and she’s 11 games above .500 in PeC. Embarrassing.) Go Cougars.

MIAMI -7 Duke

Miami will be underwater in a few years. Raleigh will not. DEVILS!!!

Baylor -21 IOWA STATE

I love you Cyclones for posting the Schedenfreudiest win of the year over Mr. Money’s woeful Iowa squad, but I can’t shake the feeling that that game was all you have up your sleeve this season. Go Bears.

Notre Dame -12 SYRACUSE

Breathe if you hate Notre Dame. Go Orange.

USC -9 Oregon State

I do not have Beaver Fever. I will also not watch this game. Someone tell me how it turns out. Go Trojans.

MICHIGAN STATE -31 Wyoming

Sparty has big muscles. Pistol Pete does not. Go Spartans.

RUTGERS -12 Tulane

Below is a photo of the Tulane mascot (an oversized pelican, I think) trying to eat an old woman. That’s mean. Go Knights.

PENN STATE -11 Northwestern

In general, if you have purple in your uniform, you suck. Go Nits.

WISCONSIN -34 South Florida

Wisconsin smells of poop and cheese. Go Bulls.

Iowa -10 PURDUE

A loss to Purdue will rekindle the Iowa football dumpster fire. Usually a dumpster fire really stinks, but not an Iowa football tire fire. Boiler Up!

INDIANA -5 Maryland

It’s The Professor’s Points-A-Plenty Game of the Week, brought to you by Breezy Point Resort. Indiana can’t have nice things, so beware of this pick, but it’s hard to cheer against the plucky Hoosiers and so easy to cheer against Jim Delany’s East Coast Bias. Go Hoosiers.

MICHIGAN -12 Minnesota

DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It’s The Professor’s Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University! This game is gonna be … U! G! L! Y! You ain’t got no alibi. You’re ugly! You’re ugly! Michigan is a hot mess with a question mark at QB, a young and not-very-good offensive line, and a propensity (look it up, Mrs. Money) for just handing the ball to their opponents. Minnesota, meanwhile, has a question mark at QB and legitimately has no idea that the forward pass is legal. Expect a 9-6 game. Whoever wins, modern college football loses. Go Gophers.

OHIO STATE -16 Cincinnati

Topic: A bearcat is neither a bear nor a cat. Discuss. Go Bucks.

NEBRASKA -20 Illinois

The Tim Beckman Axiom is moving closer and closer from theory to fact. Go Huskers.

2014 Pick ‘em Corner Standings (locks in parentheses) 

1. Mr. Money - 52-35-1 (3-1) – 58 pts

2. C-Noth – 49-38-1 (2-2) – 53 pts

3. Mrs. Money – 49-38-1 (1-3) – 51 pts

4. The Host – 43-44-1 (3-1) – 49 pts

5. Lockrem’s Locks – 44-43-1 (1-2) – 48 pts

5. Steve Stellar – 42-45-1 (3-1) – 48 pts

7. Big Game Bob – 39-46-1 (3-0) – 45 pts

8. The Cornerman – 42-45-1 (1-3) – 44 pts

9. KCKCKCK – 41-46-1 (1-2) – 43 pts

9. You Picks Ain’t Schmidt – 39-48-1 (2-2) – 43 pts

11. The Professor – 40-47-1 (1-3) – 42 pts

11. The Veteran – 40-47-1 (1-3) – 42 pts

13. Wick to Click –40-47-1 (1-3) – 42 pts

14. Larry Traversie – 38-49-1 (1-3) – 40 pts

15. Strickly Cash – 35-52-1 (1-3) – 37 pts

16. Money Traen – 20-25 (1-0) – 22 pts

17. The Line Adjuster – 0-0 (0-0) – 0 pts

17. Foreman’s Forecast – 0-0 (0-0) – 0 pts

17. auto-MATT-ic – 0-0 (0-0) – 0 pts

The Professor in 2014 Pick 'Em Corner

Overall record: 40-47-1 (.460)

Statistically-Proven Locks: 1-3 (.250)

Games involving Big Ten teams: 23-27 (.460)

Games not involving Big Ten teams: 17-20-1 (.461)

Minnesota games: 1-3 (.250)

Schadenfreude Games (Wisconsin, Iowa, Notre Dame): 6-4 (.600)

Service Academy Games: 1-3 (.250)

Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Games: 1-3 (.250)

Roll Tide Turkey Games: 1-2-1 (.375)

Tim Beckman Axiom Games: 2-2 (.500)

Professor’s Point-A-Plenty Games: 1-3 (.250)