Pick 'em Corner - The Professor's Week 4 Smart Money Picks

Admittedly, The Professor had an sub-par performance in week 3. An 8-12 showing is unacceptable to The Professor and The Professor’s Pupils, and I know it. But don’t worry, Pupils, the silly season of teams playing schools that include things like A&T, Tech and various directions is nearing its end. Until then, feel free to follow my sister, Mrs. Money, who makes her picks based on a few factors: 1) which mascot she likes better, 2) which quarterback’s butt looks better in football pants or 3) coin flip.

Sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and enjoy the lecture, for these are The Professor’s Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen. Bet Smart ®

MARYLAND -5 West Virginia (Baltimore, Md.)

After a close loss to Oklahoma and a 41-7 drubbing of Georgia State, the Mountaineers are starting to find their identity this season after losing Geno Smith to the NFL. The Terps, meanwhile, have ugly uniforms and are without two of their starting CBs. Look for West Virginia to take an early lead and hold on as Maryland finds out what BCS competition is like for the first time this season.

RUTGERS -1 Arkansas

Sorry, Stellar, the Schadenfreude angle doesn’t extend all the way to Fayetteville. Although I loathe Bret Bielema, my contract with Gasthof zur Gemutlichkeit does not allow for Schadenfreuede to be used as a picking factor in games that don’t involve Bucky, Herky and the Leprechaun. Instead, I’ll go with … ESS-EEE-SEE! ESS-EEE-SEE! ESS-EEE-SEE! Also, a pro tip: If you’re not following @BeingBielema, you’re doing Twitter wrong

USC -6.5 Utah State

Lane Kiffin and NCAA sanctions or not, a program like USC better darn well beat a program like Utah State by more than a TD.

FLORIDA -17 Tennessee

Two weeks to prepare, at home, playing an opponent that gave up 687 yards and 59 points. Yeah, I’ll take the Gators.

STANFORD -7 Arizona State

Instead of providing an analysis for this game, I’d like to take this time to thank Arizona State and its bought-and-paid-for Pac-12 officials for last week’s glorious result against the BADgers. Don’t let the rest of the country tell you you’re lucky for escaping with that win thanks to the officials. Nay, I say. Instead, tell those that say you didn’t earn it by reminding them about Bucky’s complete lack of urgency in the waning moments of that game. And kudos to you ASU D-linemen for jumping on that ball and delaying the spotting of the ball to allow time to run out. Well played. As a token of The Professor’s gratitude, please accept this fruit basket.

ALABAMA -39.5 Colorado State (Roll Tide Turkey Game)

The Rams gave up 41 in a loss to Colorado. What more do you need to know? ROLL! TIDE! TURKEY!

LSU -17.5 Auburn

There’s no doubt that LSU wins this game, but this is a tested Auburn squad with wins over BCS foes Washington State and Mississippi State. LSU, meanwhile, has only played an overrated TCU team to open the season, winning just by 10. Look for Auburn to provide stay within two TDs.

TEXAS -5.5 Kansas State

The Longhorn D is light and weak

Deep in the heart of Texas

The Texas heart needs a jump start

Deep in the heart of Texas

Head coach Mack Brown looks like a clown

Deep in the heart of Texas

The Longhorns lose to a chorus of boos

Deep in the heart of Texas

BYU -7 Utah

The team with the players that are allowed to drink caffeine and alcohol wins a close one against the team with the players that aren’t allowed to have premarital sex.

Wyoming -3.5 AIR FORCE (Service Academy Game)

Off we go, into the wild blue yonder. Also into the wild blue yonder will go any chance of me winning this pick. Still, The Professor would like to thank Armed Forces Network for sponsoring The Professor’s Service Academy Game of the Week (SAGoW).

 

MINNESOTA -4 San Jose State
This just in, The Professor wears maroon & gold glasses, so beware this pick. Also, just in, SJSU WR Noel Grigsby, a top target of QB David Fales will not make the trip to Minnesota due to a knee injury. That means the Gophers can key on Fales’ favorite receiver in Chandler Jones, forcing Fales to find other, less worthy targets. Call me crazy, but I think Minnesota controls the time of possession battle here with a running attack that can feature four capable backs if needed. Meanwhile, the Gopher secondary has looked pretty good this season even with the loss of the guy with two last names and whose first name looks like it should be pronounced like your standard “Brian,” but isn’t.

OHIO STATE -50 Florida A&M
I always get scared of gargantuan point spreads like this and say there’s no way a team can lose by 50. Then, while taking in the sights at TCF Bank Stadium, I glance at the out-of-town scoreboard and see Oregon or Ohio State up 73-7. Lesson learned.

IOWA -16.5 Western Michigan

Whoop-de-doo, Iowa. You bet Iowa State. In the words of Christian Bale, oh goooooood for you. You downed the vaunted Cyclones by a whopping six points …  at home. And now I’m supposed to think you’re 17 points better than an equally awful Western Michigan team? Sorry, ain’t gonna happen. Also, as if anyone needed a reminder, this is first of three consecutive The Professor’s Schadenfreude Games of the Week, presented by Gasthof Zur Gemutlichkeit.

 

NOTRE DAME -6.5 Michigan State

Do I have the faith that Sparty has everything figured out after putting up 55 on Youngstown State? No, I do not. But Schadenfreude is a mysterious and seductive siren … and cannot be avoided. Go Green. Go White.

WISCONSIN -24 Purdue

Schadenfreude is defined as the pleasure derived from the misfortune and I cannot think of a better description than what occurred late last Saturday night in Tempe. Wisconsin lost on a controversial wonderfully hilarious play to finish their game against Arizona State and the next morning, the hordes of unwashed Badger faithful got their sad, still very drunk fat asses on the plane back to the God forsaken wasteland that is Wisconsin, mother-F’ing the officials and crying the whole way. And The Professor couldn’t be happier. Look for Wisconsin to be angry but Purdue to be confident after putting a scare into Notre Dame last week. Bucky wins, but not until the Schadenfreude gets one last jab at Bucky to keep this game within 23.

PENN STATE -20.5 Kent State

The Golden Flashes sounds like something Goldmember would do.

NEBRASKA -20.5 South Dakota State

Profanities aside, Bo Pelini’s 2011 rant on fair-weather Nebraska fans was wonderful. Here’s the juiciest part: "F--- you, fans. F--- all of you. F--- 'em." ... "Our crowd. What a bunch of f---ing fair-weather f---ing—they can all kiss my ass out the f---ing door. 'Cause the day is f---ing coming now. We'll see what they can do when I'm f---ing gone. I'm so f---ing pissed off.” Those words could have come straight out of the mouth of The Host’s guy Mase during his embattled final season at Minnesota while all the students were chanting “Fire Mason.” Prophetic that would have been if Mason actually said those words. Back to this game, if the Huskers don’t win by at least 28, we’ll, F--- ‘em. Another pro tip; follow @FauxPelini.

 

NORTHWESTERN -28 Maine

It’s a little weird doing this to a Northwestern team that everyone loves right now, but really, who cares about Northwestern vs. Maine? The players’ parents; that’s it. Therefore, it’s the Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game (DAOtLotTTIACATG?G), brought to you by RO*TEL.

Michigan -17.5 UCONN

DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It’s The Professor’s Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University! UConn has losses at home to Towson and Maryland, so there’s no reason to believe they’ll have any shot against Michigan. But what about the Wolverines’ near-loss to Akron last week, you ask? A mere hangover after the emotional win over the hated Irish. The coaches won’t let a letdown happen again this week. Meeeee-chigan rolls.

Missouri -2.5 INDIANA

As far as I know, Missouri doesn’t run the triple option, so Indiana won’t be flummoxed like it was against Navy.

2013 Pick ‘em Corner Standings (locks in parentheses)

1. Money Traen - 34-26 (3-0) – 40 pts
1. Wick to Click – 34-26 (3-0) – 40 pts

3. Mrs. Money – 32-27 (3-0) – 38 pts

4. The Cornerman –  35-25 (1-2) – 37 pts

5. C-Noth - 32-28 (2-1) – 36 pts

6. The Professor – 33-27 (1-2) – 35 pts

6. Steve Stellar – 33-27 (1-2) – 35 pts

8. KCKCKCK – 32-28 (1-2) – 34 pts

9. Strickly Cash – 32-28 (1-2) – 34 pts

10. The Veteran – 29-31 (2-1) – 33 pts
11. Big Money Bob – 30-28 (1-2) – 32 pts

11. Mr. Money –  30-29 (1-2) – 32 pts

13. Aaron “I Need a Moniker” Seehusen – 29-31 (1-1) – 31 pts

13. Lockrem’s Locks –  27-33 (2-1) – 31 pts

15. Larry the Cash Guy – 28-32 (1-2) – 30 pts

16. The Host –  17-23 (1-1) – 19 pts

17. Your Picks Ain’t Schmidt –  7-13 (0-1) - 7 pts

18. The Line Adjuster – 3-1 (0-0) – 3 pts

19. Foreman’s Forecast – 0-0 (0-0) – 0 pts

19. auto-MATT-ic – 0-0 (0-0) – 0 pts

The Professor in 2013 Pick 'Em Corner

Overall record: 33-27 (.550)

Statistically-Proven Locks: 1-2 (.333)

Games involving Big Ten teams: 16-20 (.444)

Games not involving Big Ten teams: 17-7 (.708)

Minnesota games: 2-1 (.667)

Schadenfreude Games (Wisconsin, Iowa, Notre Dame): 3-6 (.333)

Service Academy Games: 2-1 (.667)

Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Games: 1-2 (.333)

Roll Tide Turkey Games: 1-1 (.500)

Tim Beckman Axiom Games: 2-1 (.667)