Pick 'em Corner - The Professor's Week 3 Smart Money Picks

 The Professor is going to get right to the picks and let his top 5 place in the Pick ‘em Corner standings speak for itself.

The choice is clear, Bet Smart ®

Sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and enjoy the lecture, for these are The Professor’s Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen.

Louisville -13.5 KENTUCKY

The Cats have 3 freshmen (don’t ever call them frosh – that’s the most annoying thing ever) and 4 sophomores on their two-deep in the secondary. The Cards, meanwhile, have Heisman hopeful Teddy Bridgewater (which, if his name is actually Theodore Bridgewater, sounds like an old-timey name you might find in the same pack of baseball cards as Buttercup Dickerson, Cannonball Titcomb and Abner Dalrymple). In other words, go Lou-uh-ville.

Stanford 28.5 ARMY

It’s the week of the 12^th anniversary of 9/11, so anything other than a pick in favor of the brave men and women at the United States Military Academy means you’re letting the terrorists win.

USC -14 Boston College

KIFFIN DON’T KNOW. For reference: http://www.sbnation.com/college-football/2013/9/11/4717966/lane-kiffin-players-only-meeting-hot-seat-usc

Alabama -7.5 TEXAS A&M

Everyone is playing up the revenge factor for Bama in this game, so why should I change the narrative? ROLL TIDE TURKEY!

OREGON -27.5 Tennessee

The Ducks have far too many weapons for this middle-of-the-pack SEC team who hasn’t been the slightest bit tested in romps over Austin Peay and Western Kentucky. Fellow panelists, spare us the “Tennessee will have to overcome the cross-country trip/time change” spiel. These are college kids flying on a chartered plane and staying in cushy hotels. The distance/time change means nothing. To wit: Northwestern’s late-night win at Cal and Oregon’s 59-10 rout at Virginia. It’s the myriad offensive weapons the Ducks will employ to overwhelm the Vols, not the jet lag. QUACK!

AUBURN -5.5 Mississippi State

I’ve got nothing for this game, now that Tim Brewster is at Florida State and Gene Chizik is catfish noodling … probably.

TEXAS -2.5 Ole Miss

HOTTY TODDY, GOSH ALMIGHTY! WHO THE HELL ARE WE? HEY! FLIM FLAM, BIM BAM! OLE MISS, BY DAMN!

 

Maryland -6.5 UCONN

Hmmm … let me see. A Maryland team with the top offense in the ACC vs. a UConn team that lost 33-18 – at home – to Steve Stellar’s Towson squad. I’ll take the team with the weirdest state flag for all the marbles, Alex. In fact, DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It’s The Professor’s Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University!

MICHIGAN -37 Akron

MACrifice victim #1. The Zips got trounced 38-7 by UCF team before edging James Madison - the school, not the exhumed corpse of our fourth president … presumably. Michigan may have some Notre Dame hangover here, but Akron is not a MACtion team to be feared at all (4 wins since end of 2009 season).

MINNESOTA -24 Western Illinois

This worked last week, so I’m doing it again in week 3. It’s the Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game, brought to you by RO*TEL. I’d like to provide a rationale for the pick but because it’s the DAOLTTIACAG?G, I’m contractually precluded from providing an analysis. Also, mmmm … cupcake. 

INDIANA -2.5 Bowling Green

Indiana is like that schizophrenic uncle everyone has (right?). He comes to town every Thanksgiving, but you never know which side of him is going to show up. Will he be the guy who helps in the kitchen before and after the meal, then plays with the kids while everyone else sleeps off their tryptophan high? This is Indiana in week 1. Or will be the guy that hits on your fiancée, spits out what he calls “horesh*t stuffing” and insists on watching reruns of Apartment 227 instead of the NFL? This is Indiana in week 2. I’m going with the week 2 Hoosiers.

NEBRASKA -4.5 UCLA

Nebraska got its crap together in a shellacking of Southern Miss last week, but UCLA will present a stiff test for a Husker team that struggled with Wyoming. The Bruins have had two weeks to prepare for another of this week’s cross-country showdowns and won’t be intimidated by the sea of red in Lincoln. Look for the Black Shirts to struggle again and UCLA to win outright.

MICHIGAN STATE -23.5 Youngstown State

Until the Spartan offense can prove its better than, say, the Holy Family Catholic HS offense, I’m taking the Penguins.

Iowa -2.5 IOWA STATE

The Iowa Football Dumpster Fire was only partially extinguished with last week’s “win” over something called Missouri State. I’d bore you with plenty reasons why a bad Cyclone team will “upset” a bad Hawkeye team, but aside from Mr. Money and The Host (#15 and 16 in the standings, by the way), you just don’t care. Instead, please go here and be thankful that you don’t live in Iowa: http://www.widerightnattylite.com/2013/9/12/4722042/the-ten-best-moments-from-the-hawkeye-house-story

 

PENN STATE -5.5 Central Florida

UCF has put together a couple resounding wins against no-name teams, so the hunch is that they’ll provide a test for the Nits. I agree, but I don’t agree to the tune of 5.5 points. Make that number closer to 10 and you have my vote, Fighting Seeleys.

Washington -9.5 ILLINOIS

The Tim Beckman Axiom took a huge hit last week in an Illini win absolutely no one saw coming. Still, the Axiom is a mathematical formula that has been verified, peer-reviewed and published in respected academic journals, so who am I to challenge the theory?

Ohio State -16 CAL

Both offenses are good, so the difference here is the strong Buckeye D vs. the injury-depleted and otherwise ho-hum Cal D. Look for Cal to start quick and put a scare into the Buckeyes in the first quarter before OSU adjusts and blows the Golden Bears back to Hippiedom.

Notre Dame -20.5 PURDUE

I’m breaking away from my Schadenfreude contract for this game for the sole reason that Purdue is vomit-inducing bad. Meanwhile, Notre Dame is as angry as a drunk Irishman after losing to Meeee-chigan in the Big House and looking like a bunch of chickens for ending the series with the Wolverines. On the other side, we have Purdue who is staring at a schedule that may not provide a win until a Nov. 9 showdown with Iowa.

 

NORTHWESTERN -30.5 Western Michigan

MACrifice victim #2. Western Michigan lost to Nicholls State. That is all.

ARIZONA STATE -5.5 Wisconsin

ATTENTION RESIDENTS OF TEMPE, ARIZONA. Hide your cheese! Hide your beer! The Wisconsin proletariat (look it up, Mrs. Money) is descending on your fine town as we speak. Do not trust these devotees of a mascot that looks like a skunk in a popcorn box. They’ll ask why your liquor stores don’t sell Leine’s. They’ll demand an extra seat on the shuttle bus for their ample backsides. They’ll render your grocery stores devoid of every last variety of sausage. They’ll brag about their back-to-back shutouts to start the season. They’ll boast about their string of Rose Bowl appearances. They’ll act like your Sun Devils are merely a bump in the road on their way to another BCS bowl game. AND THEN THE GAME WILL BEGIN. Taylor Kelly will throw the ball all over the place and the Badger secondary will yearn for the days of UMass receivers and Tennessee Tech tight ends. The 102-degree game time temperature will turn the big, burly Badger offensive linemen into useless piles of sweat. Bucky will lose big and all will be right in the world again. At least that’s what The Professor hopes. 

Thus concludes The Professor’s Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen. Bet smart ®.

2013 Pick ‘em Corner Standings (locks in parentheses)

1. Money Traen – 26-14 (2-0) – 30 pts
2. Wick to Click – 24-16 (2-0) – 28 pts

3. Steve Stellar – 25-15 (1-1) – 27 pts

4. The Professor – 25-15 (0-2) – 25 pts

4. The Cornerman 23-17 (1-1) – 25 pts

6. Big-Money Bob – 22-16 (1-1) – 24 pts

6. Mrs. Money – 20-19 (2-0) – 24 pts

8. Larry the Cash Guy – 21-19 (1-1) – 23 pts

8. Strickly Cash – 21-19 (1-1) – 23 pts

10. KCKCKCK – 22-18 (0-2) – 22 pts

10. Lockrem’s Locks – 18-22 (2-0) – 22 pts

10. The Veteran – 20-20 (1-1) – 22 pts
13. Aaron “I Need a Moniker” Seehusen – 21-19 (0-1) – 21 pts

13. C-Noth – 19-21 (1-1) – 21 pts
15. Mr. Money – 18-21 (1-1) – 20 pts
16. The Host – 17-23 (1-1) – 19 pts

17. The Line Adjuster – 3-1 (0-0) - 3 pts

18. Moneyline Maus – 0-0 (0-0) - 0 pts

18. Foreman’s Forecast – 0-0 (0-0) - 0 pts

18. auto-MATT-ic – 0-0 (0-0) - 0 pts

The Professor in 2013 Pick 'Em Corner

Overall record: 25-15 (.625)

Statistically-Proven Locks: 0-2 (.000)

Games involving Big Ten teams: 13-11 (.542)

Games not involving Big Ten teams: 12-4 (.750)

Minnesota games: 2-0 (1.000)

Schadenfreude Games (Wisconsin, Iowa, Notre Dame): 3-3 (.500)

Service Academy Games: 1-1 (.500)

Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Games: 1-1 (.500)

Roll Tide Turkey Games: 1-0 (1.000)

Tim Beckman Axiom Games: 1-1 (.500)