Pick 'em Corner - The Professor's Week 4 Smart Money Picks

Admittedly, The Professor had an sub-par performance in week 3. An 8-12 showing is unacceptable to The Professor and The Professor’s Pupils, and I know it. But don’t worry, Pupils, the silly season of teams playing schools that include things like A&T, Tech and various directions is nearing its end. Until then, feel free to follow my sister, Mrs. Money, who makes her picks based on a few factors: 1) which mascot she likes better, 2) which quarterback’s butt looks better in football pants or 3) coin flip.

Sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and enjoy the lecture, for these are The Professor’s Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen. Bet Smart ®

MARYLAND -5 West Virginia (Baltimore, Md.)

After a close loss to Oklahoma and a 41-7 drubbing of Georgia State, the Mountaineers are starting to find their identity this season after losing Geno Smith to the NFL. The Terps, meanwhile, have ugly uniforms and are without two of their starting CBs. Look for West Virginia to take an early lead and hold on as Maryland finds out what BCS competition is like for the first time this season.

RUTGERS -1 Arkansas

Sorry, Stellar, the Schadenfreude angle doesn’t extend all the way to Fayetteville. Although I loathe Bret Bielema, my contract with Gasthof zur Gemutlichkeit does not allow for Schadenfreuede to be used as a picking factor in games that don’t involve Bucky, Herky and the Leprechaun. Instead, I’ll go with … ESS-EEE-SEE! ESS-EEE-SEE! ESS-EEE-SEE! Also, a pro tip: If you’re not following @BeingBielema, you’re doing Twitter wrong

USC -6.5 Utah State

Lane Kiffin and NCAA sanctions or not, a program like USC better darn well beat a program like Utah State by more than a TD.

FLORIDA -17 Tennessee

Two weeks to prepare, at home, playing an opponent that gave up 687 yards and 59 points. Yeah, I’ll take the Gators.

STANFORD -7 Arizona State

Instead of providing an analysis for this game, I’d like to take this time to thank Arizona State and its bought-and-paid-for Pac-12 officials for last week’s glorious result against the BADgers. Don’t let the rest of the country tell you you’re lucky for escaping with that win thanks to the officials. Nay, I say. Instead, tell those that say you didn’t earn it by reminding them about Bucky’s complete lack of urgency in the waning moments of that game. And kudos to you ASU D-linemen for jumping on that ball and delaying the spotting of the ball to allow time to run out. Well played. As a token of The Professor’s gratitude, please accept this fruit basket.

ALABAMA -39.5 Colorado State (Roll Tide Turkey Game)

The Rams gave up 41 in a loss to Colorado. What more do you need to know? ROLL! TIDE! TURKEY!

LSU -17.5 Auburn

There’s no doubt that LSU wins this game, but this is a tested Auburn squad with wins over BCS foes Washington State and Mississippi State. LSU, meanwhile, has only played an overrated TCU team to open the season, winning just by 10. Look for Auburn to provide stay within two TDs.

TEXAS -5.5 Kansas State

The Longhorn D is light and weak

Deep in the heart of Texas

The Texas heart needs a jump start

Deep in the heart of Texas

Head coach Mack Brown looks like a clown

Deep in the heart of Texas

The Longhorns lose to a chorus of boos

Deep in the heart of Texas

BYU -7 Utah

The team with the players that are allowed to drink caffeine and alcohol wins a close one against the team with the players that aren’t allowed to have premarital sex.

Wyoming -3.5 AIR FORCE (Service Academy Game)

Off we go, into the wild blue yonder. Also into the wild blue yonder will go any chance of me winning this pick. Still, The Professor would like to thank Armed Forces Network for sponsoring The Professor’s Service Academy Game of the Week (SAGoW).

 

MINNESOTA -4 San Jose State
This just in, The Professor wears maroon & gold glasses, so beware this pick. Also, just in, SJSU WR Noel Grigsby, a top target of QB David Fales will not make the trip to Minnesota due to a knee injury. That means the Gophers can key on Fales’ favorite receiver in Chandler Jones, forcing Fales to find other, less worthy targets. Call me crazy, but I think Minnesota controls the time of possession battle here with a running attack that can feature four capable backs if needed. Meanwhile, the Gopher secondary has looked pretty good this season even with the loss of the guy with two last names and whose first name looks like it should be pronounced like your standard “Brian,” but isn’t.

OHIO STATE -50 Florida A&M
I always get scared of gargantuan point spreads like this and say there’s no way a team can lose by 50. Then, while taking in the sights at TCF Bank Stadium, I glance at the out-of-town scoreboard and see Oregon or Ohio State up 73-7. Lesson learned.

IOWA -16.5 Western Michigan

Whoop-de-doo, Iowa. You bet Iowa State. In the words of Christian Bale, oh goooooood for you. You downed the vaunted Cyclones by a whopping six points …  at home. And now I’m supposed to think you’re 17 points better than an equally awful Western Michigan team? Sorry, ain’t gonna happen. Also, as if anyone needed a reminder, this is first of three consecutive The Professor’s Schadenfreude Games of the Week, presented by Gasthof Zur Gemutlichkeit.

 

NOTRE DAME -6.5 Michigan State

Do I have the faith that Sparty has everything figured out after putting up 55 on Youngstown State? No, I do not. But Schadenfreude is a mysterious and seductive siren … and cannot be avoided. Go Green. Go White.

WISCONSIN -24 Purdue

Schadenfreude is defined as the pleasure derived from the misfortune and I cannot think of a better description than what occurred late last Saturday night in Tempe. Wisconsin lost on a controversial wonderfully hilarious play to finish their game against Arizona State and the next morning, the hordes of unwashed Badger faithful got their sad, still very drunk fat asses on the plane back to the God forsaken wasteland that is Wisconsin, mother-F’ing the officials and crying the whole way. And The Professor couldn’t be happier. Look for Wisconsin to be angry but Purdue to be confident after putting a scare into Notre Dame last week. Bucky wins, but not until the Schadenfreude gets one last jab at Bucky to keep this game within 23.

PENN STATE -20.5 Kent State

The Golden Flashes sounds like something Goldmember would do.

NEBRASKA -20.5 South Dakota State

Profanities aside, Bo Pelini’s 2011 rant on fair-weather Nebraska fans was wonderful. Here’s the juiciest part: "F--- you, fans. F--- all of you. F--- 'em." ... "Our crowd. What a bunch of f---ing fair-weather f---ing—they can all kiss my ass out the f---ing door. 'Cause the day is f---ing coming now. We'll see what they can do when I'm f---ing gone. I'm so f---ing pissed off.” Those words could have come straight out of the mouth of The Host’s guy Mase during his embattled final season at Minnesota while all the students were chanting “Fire Mason.” Prophetic that would have been if Mason actually said those words. Back to this game, if the Huskers don’t win by at least 28, we’ll, F--- ‘em. Another pro tip; follow @FauxPelini.

 

NORTHWESTERN -28 Maine

It’s a little weird doing this to a Northwestern team that everyone loves right now, but really, who cares about Northwestern vs. Maine? The players’ parents; that’s it. Therefore, it’s the Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game (DAOtLotTTIACATG?G), brought to you by RO*TEL.

Michigan -17.5 UCONN

DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It’s The Professor’s Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University! UConn has losses at home to Towson and Maryland, so there’s no reason to believe they’ll have any shot against Michigan. But what about the Wolverines’ near-loss to Akron last week, you ask? A mere hangover after the emotional win over the hated Irish. The coaches won’t let a letdown happen again this week. Meeeee-chigan rolls.

Missouri -2.5 INDIANA

As far as I know, Missouri doesn’t run the triple option, so Indiana won’t be flummoxed like it was against Navy.

2013 Pick ‘em Corner Standings (locks in parentheses)

1. Money Traen - 34-26 (3-0) – 40 pts
1. Wick to Click – 34-26 (3-0) – 40 pts

3. Mrs. Money – 32-27 (3-0) – 38 pts

4. The Cornerman –  35-25 (1-2) – 37 pts

5. C-Noth - 32-28 (2-1) – 36 pts

6. The Professor – 33-27 (1-2) – 35 pts

6. Steve Stellar – 33-27 (1-2) – 35 pts

8. KCKCKCK – 32-28 (1-2) – 34 pts

9. Strickly Cash – 32-28 (1-2) – 34 pts

10. The Veteran – 29-31 (2-1) – 33 pts
11. Big Money Bob – 30-28 (1-2) – 32 pts

11. Mr. Money –  30-29 (1-2) – 32 pts

13. Aaron “I Need a Moniker” Seehusen – 29-31 (1-1) – 31 pts

13. Lockrem’s Locks –  27-33 (2-1) – 31 pts

15. Larry the Cash Guy – 28-32 (1-2) – 30 pts

16. The Host –  17-23 (1-1) – 19 pts

17. Your Picks Ain’t Schmidt –  7-13 (0-1) - 7 pts

18. The Line Adjuster – 3-1 (0-0) – 3 pts

19. Foreman’s Forecast – 0-0 (0-0) – 0 pts

19. auto-MATT-ic – 0-0 (0-0) – 0 pts

The Professor in 2013 Pick 'Em Corner

Overall record: 33-27 (.550)

Statistically-Proven Locks: 1-2 (.333)

Games involving Big Ten teams: 16-20 (.444)

Games not involving Big Ten teams: 17-7 (.708)

Minnesota games: 2-1 (.667)

Schadenfreude Games (Wisconsin, Iowa, Notre Dame): 3-6 (.333)

Service Academy Games: 2-1 (.667)

Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Games: 1-2 (.333)

Roll Tide Turkey Games: 1-1 (.500)

Tim Beckman Axiom Games: 2-1 (.667)

Pick 'em Corner - The Professor's Week 3 Smart Money Picks

 The Professor is going to get right to the picks and let his top 5 place in the Pick ‘em Corner standings speak for itself.

The choice is clear, Bet Smart ®

Sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and enjoy the lecture, for these are The Professor’s Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen.

Louisville -13.5 KENTUCKY

The Cats have 3 freshmen (don’t ever call them frosh – that’s the most annoying thing ever) and 4 sophomores on their two-deep in the secondary. The Cards, meanwhile, have Heisman hopeful Teddy Bridgewater (which, if his name is actually Theodore Bridgewater, sounds like an old-timey name you might find in the same pack of baseball cards as Buttercup Dickerson, Cannonball Titcomb and Abner Dalrymple). In other words, go Lou-uh-ville.

Stanford 28.5 ARMY

It’s the week of the 12^th anniversary of 9/11, so anything other than a pick in favor of the brave men and women at the United States Military Academy means you’re letting the terrorists win.

USC -14 Boston College

KIFFIN DON’T KNOW. For reference: http://www.sbnation.com/college-football/2013/9/11/4717966/lane-kiffin-players-only-meeting-hot-seat-usc

Alabama -7.5 TEXAS A&M

Everyone is playing up the revenge factor for Bama in this game, so why should I change the narrative? ROLL TIDE TURKEY!

OREGON -27.5 Tennessee

The Ducks have far too many weapons for this middle-of-the-pack SEC team who hasn’t been the slightest bit tested in romps over Austin Peay and Western Kentucky. Fellow panelists, spare us the “Tennessee will have to overcome the cross-country trip/time change” spiel. These are college kids flying on a chartered plane and staying in cushy hotels. The distance/time change means nothing. To wit: Northwestern’s late-night win at Cal and Oregon’s 59-10 rout at Virginia. It’s the myriad offensive weapons the Ducks will employ to overwhelm the Vols, not the jet lag. QUACK!

AUBURN -5.5 Mississippi State

I’ve got nothing for this game, now that Tim Brewster is at Florida State and Gene Chizik is catfish noodling … probably.

TEXAS -2.5 Ole Miss

HOTTY TODDY, GOSH ALMIGHTY! WHO THE HELL ARE WE? HEY! FLIM FLAM, BIM BAM! OLE MISS, BY DAMN!

 

Maryland -6.5 UCONN

Hmmm … let me see. A Maryland team with the top offense in the ACC vs. a UConn team that lost 33-18 – at home – to Steve Stellar’s Towson squad. I’ll take the team with the weirdest state flag for all the marbles, Alex. In fact, DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It’s The Professor’s Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University!

MICHIGAN -37 Akron

MACrifice victim #1. The Zips got trounced 38-7 by UCF team before edging James Madison - the school, not the exhumed corpse of our fourth president … presumably. Michigan may have some Notre Dame hangover here, but Akron is not a MACtion team to be feared at all (4 wins since end of 2009 season).

MINNESOTA -24 Western Illinois

This worked last week, so I’m doing it again in week 3. It’s the Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game, brought to you by RO*TEL. I’d like to provide a rationale for the pick but because it’s the DAOLTTIACAG?G, I’m contractually precluded from providing an analysis. Also, mmmm … cupcake. 

INDIANA -2.5 Bowling Green

Indiana is like that schizophrenic uncle everyone has (right?). He comes to town every Thanksgiving, but you never know which side of him is going to show up. Will he be the guy who helps in the kitchen before and after the meal, then plays with the kids while everyone else sleeps off their tryptophan high? This is Indiana in week 1. Or will be the guy that hits on your fiancée, spits out what he calls “horesh*t stuffing” and insists on watching reruns of Apartment 227 instead of the NFL? This is Indiana in week 2. I’m going with the week 2 Hoosiers.

NEBRASKA -4.5 UCLA

Nebraska got its crap together in a shellacking of Southern Miss last week, but UCLA will present a stiff test for a Husker team that struggled with Wyoming. The Bruins have had two weeks to prepare for another of this week’s cross-country showdowns and won’t be intimidated by the sea of red in Lincoln. Look for the Black Shirts to struggle again and UCLA to win outright.

MICHIGAN STATE -23.5 Youngstown State

Until the Spartan offense can prove its better than, say, the Holy Family Catholic HS offense, I’m taking the Penguins.

Iowa -2.5 IOWA STATE

The Iowa Football Dumpster Fire was only partially extinguished with last week’s “win” over something called Missouri State. I’d bore you with plenty reasons why a bad Cyclone team will “upset” a bad Hawkeye team, but aside from Mr. Money and The Host (#15 and 16 in the standings, by the way), you just don’t care. Instead, please go here and be thankful that you don’t live in Iowa: http://www.widerightnattylite.com/2013/9/12/4722042/the-ten-best-moments-from-the-hawkeye-house-story

 

PENN STATE -5.5 Central Florida

UCF has put together a couple resounding wins against no-name teams, so the hunch is that they’ll provide a test for the Nits. I agree, but I don’t agree to the tune of 5.5 points. Make that number closer to 10 and you have my vote, Fighting Seeleys.

Washington -9.5 ILLINOIS

The Tim Beckman Axiom took a huge hit last week in an Illini win absolutely no one saw coming. Still, the Axiom is a mathematical formula that has been verified, peer-reviewed and published in respected academic journals, so who am I to challenge the theory?

Ohio State -16 CAL

Both offenses are good, so the difference here is the strong Buckeye D vs. the injury-depleted and otherwise ho-hum Cal D. Look for Cal to start quick and put a scare into the Buckeyes in the first quarter before OSU adjusts and blows the Golden Bears back to Hippiedom.

Notre Dame -20.5 PURDUE

I’m breaking away from my Schadenfreude contract for this game for the sole reason that Purdue is vomit-inducing bad. Meanwhile, Notre Dame is as angry as a drunk Irishman after losing to Meeee-chigan in the Big House and looking like a bunch of chickens for ending the series with the Wolverines. On the other side, we have Purdue who is staring at a schedule that may not provide a win until a Nov. 9 showdown with Iowa.

 

NORTHWESTERN -30.5 Western Michigan

MACrifice victim #2. Western Michigan lost to Nicholls State. That is all.

ARIZONA STATE -5.5 Wisconsin

ATTENTION RESIDENTS OF TEMPE, ARIZONA. Hide your cheese! Hide your beer! The Wisconsin proletariat (look it up, Mrs. Money) is descending on your fine town as we speak. Do not trust these devotees of a mascot that looks like a skunk in a popcorn box. They’ll ask why your liquor stores don’t sell Leine’s. They’ll demand an extra seat on the shuttle bus for their ample backsides. They’ll render your grocery stores devoid of every last variety of sausage. They’ll brag about their back-to-back shutouts to start the season. They’ll boast about their string of Rose Bowl appearances. They’ll act like your Sun Devils are merely a bump in the road on their way to another BCS bowl game. AND THEN THE GAME WILL BEGIN. Taylor Kelly will throw the ball all over the place and the Badger secondary will yearn for the days of UMass receivers and Tennessee Tech tight ends. The 102-degree game time temperature will turn the big, burly Badger offensive linemen into useless piles of sweat. Bucky will lose big and all will be right in the world again. At least that’s what The Professor hopes. 

Thus concludes The Professor’s Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen. Bet smart ®.

2013 Pick ‘em Corner Standings (locks in parentheses)

1. Money Traen – 26-14 (2-0) – 30 pts
2. Wick to Click – 24-16 (2-0) – 28 pts

3. Steve Stellar – 25-15 (1-1) – 27 pts

4. The Professor – 25-15 (0-2) – 25 pts

4. The Cornerman 23-17 (1-1) – 25 pts

6. Big-Money Bob – 22-16 (1-1) – 24 pts

6. Mrs. Money – 20-19 (2-0) – 24 pts

8. Larry the Cash Guy – 21-19 (1-1) – 23 pts

8. Strickly Cash – 21-19 (1-1) – 23 pts

10. KCKCKCK – 22-18 (0-2) – 22 pts

10. Lockrem’s Locks – 18-22 (2-0) – 22 pts

10. The Veteran – 20-20 (1-1) – 22 pts
13. Aaron “I Need a Moniker” Seehusen – 21-19 (0-1) – 21 pts

13. C-Noth – 19-21 (1-1) – 21 pts
15. Mr. Money – 18-21 (1-1) – 20 pts
16. The Host – 17-23 (1-1) – 19 pts

17. The Line Adjuster – 3-1 (0-0) - 3 pts

18. Moneyline Maus – 0-0 (0-0) - 0 pts

18. Foreman’s Forecast – 0-0 (0-0) - 0 pts

18. auto-MATT-ic – 0-0 (0-0) - 0 pts

The Professor in 2013 Pick 'Em Corner

Overall record: 25-15 (.625)

Statistically-Proven Locks: 0-2 (.000)

Games involving Big Ten teams: 13-11 (.542)

Games not involving Big Ten teams: 12-4 (.750)

Minnesota games: 2-0 (1.000)

Schadenfreude Games (Wisconsin, Iowa, Notre Dame): 3-3 (.500)

Service Academy Games: 1-1 (.500)

Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Games: 1-1 (.500)

Roll Tide Turkey Games: 1-0 (1.000)

Tim Beckman Axiom Games: 1-1 (.500)

Pick 'em Corner - The Professor's Week 2 Smart Money Picks

I could sit here and boast about The Professor’s week 1 Pick ‘em Corner performance. I could brag about posting the best week 1 record among panelists who missed on their lock of the week. I could remind you about The Professor’s trio of Pick ‘Em Corner Regular Season Handicapping Championships. I could crow about the money that all the money that The Professor’s Pupils have made on the backs of The Professor’s Smart Money Picks over the years.

But I won’t.

Instead, I’ll let you, the discerning betting public, decide who you’d rather trust with your hard-earned money:

-    Week 1 leader Wick to Click: A mere flash in the pan who participates in PeC merely to remember her bygone best days in Dinkytown.
-    Money Traen: Puh-leeze. She doesn’t know a football from a foot rub, which incidentally, she’s received an ample amount of from PeC rookie Larry the Money Guy (unofficial moniker)
-    Steve Stellar: Ok, you can trust Stellar. He’s good people. Did you know he has an Appreciation Society devoted to him on Facebook?
-    Mrs. Money: See Money Traen (and replace Larry the Money Guy with Mr. Money)
-    Strickly Cash: He’s still around?
-    C-Noth: He’s in PeC solely to support his lifelong addiction to cheese and subpar Wisconsin beer (see: Milwaukee’s Best)
-    Aaron Seehusen: Aaron Who-husen?
-    Bob Keiser: The Professor respects his elders. Welcome to the panel, Mr. Keiser.
-    KCKCKCK: This panelist will turn to his background as a long-time BTN employee with access to the brightest minds in college football. What he’s not telling you is he’s really just a low-level production assistant charged with bringing Dave Revsine his Earl Gray tea every morning.
-    Lockrem’s Locks: See Bob Keiser. Also see his sub-.500 record last season.
-    Mr. Money: Too early to tell, but he’s from Iowa, so he clearly cannot be trusted.
-    The Cornerman: He’s got bigger fish to fry now that he’s Corner Office Man.
-    The Host: Can a guy who gets on average 2 hours of sleep be trusted with your betting money? No he cannot. Welcome to fatherhood, Host.
-    The Veteran: See Bob Keiser. Also see him featured on a commercial for the 312 Café in downtown Excelsior – playing daily at your local movie theater.
-    Larry the Money Guy: Too early to tell, but an 8-12 opening week says he doesn’t have beginner’s luck on his side.
-    The Line Adjuster: This guy submitted picks for four games. That’s not half-assed. That’s 20 percent-assed.
-    Special G, Moneyline Maus, Foreman’s Forecast, auto-MATT-ic: When they can’t be bothered to provide week 1 picks, you shouldn’t bother trusting them if/when they do.

The choice is clear, Bet Smart ®.

So sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and enjoy the lecture, for these are The Professor’s Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen.


Florida -3 MIAMI (FLA.)
I trust the Miami Football Hurricanes as far as I can throw Steve Stellar. Hint: Not very far.

BALL STATE -7 Army (Service Academy Game)
After a disappointing absence in week 1, The Professor’s Service Academy Game of the Week (SAGoW), brought to you by Armed Forces Network, is back. Obviously, I’m taking the Long Gray Line in this one as should each of my panelists … IF YOU LOVE AMERICA.

Oregon -21.5 VIRGINIA
Virginia is a mediocre team in a mediocre conference. Oregon is an elite team in an pretty good conference. The Cavaliers won’t know what hit them after the Ducks run roughshod all over Charlottesville,

GEORGIA -3 South Carolina
In a battle of a pair of teams licking their wounds after disappointing week 1 results, I like the home-field advantage and the better quarterback the Dogs will trot out. Also, it’s a “Win one for the Gipper” kind of week for teams with dog mascots, and especially teams with bulldog mascots, as the nation mourns the loss of Butler mascot Blue II. Expect a spirited performance by Uga IX and company in honor of Blue II.

Texas -7 BYU
So the Horns steamroll Mew Mexico State  and BYU loses to aforementioned Virginia in week 1, and Texas is only favored by a TD? What gives? Admiral Ackbar, take it away:

Nevertheless, I like the Longhorns vs. the Mormons (which sounds like a WWE tag-team match-up I’d like to see)

OKLAHOMA -20.5 West Virginia
The Mountaineers will lose this game, but last year’s 787 yards compiled against the Sooners has to count for at least a cover, doesn’t it?

USC -14.5 Washington State
I’m taking the Cougars here for a few reasons. First, who doesn’t love Cougars? Amirite, KCKCKCK? Second, Wazoo gave SEC foe Auburn everything it could hand last week in a 31-24 loss, so I expect another strong effort at USC. Finally, credit must go to the guy who gets an Washington State flag flying in the background of EVERY ESPN College GameDay broadcast, no matter the location (http://ftw.usatoday.com/2013/09/washington-state-flags-are-an-espn-college-gameday-tradition/).

Arizona -10 UNLV
The Rebels get routed by Jerry’s Kids, while Arizona shuts out Northern Arizona (who is probably better than UNLV), and the Wildcats are only favored by 10? “But it’s a road game for Zona,” you say. Uh huh. UNLV and home field advantage do not compute. 

PENN STATE -22.5 Eastern Michigan
When you’re the worst of the Michigan Directional School Triumvirate (look it up, Mrs. Money), you won’t stay within 22.5 of the Corner Office Man’s favorite squad. Take the Nits.

WISCONSIN -45 Tennessee Tech
Ugh. This is a case where The Professor’s contractual and emotional obligations to Schadenfreude get in the way of what would otherwise be a Pick ‘em Corner win. Seriously, though, Barry Alvarez. Tennessee Tech? C’mon. Also, Tennessee and Tech do not make sense in the same sentence. Hate you, Bucky.

IOWA -24.5 Missouri State
I’m confident I’m going to go 0-2 in my first two Schadenfreude games, but in this case, I don’t care. The Professor is still basking in the glow of all the radiant Schadenfreude that rained down on me as the Hawkeyes blew a game against #MACtion. Mmmmm, your tears taste so good, Mr. Money and Host. Schadenfreude is the best kind of freude.

PURDUE -17 Indiana State
In a battle for Indiana inferiority, I like the team that scored 35 points against another Indiana Big Ten team vs. the team that scored 7 points against an AAC team. Also, bite me Boilermakers for ruining my lock.

MICHIGAN STATE -23.5 South Florida
The Spartans struggled move the ball against a member of the Michigan Directional School Triumvirate, but South Florida lost 53-21 to something called McNeese State.

Cincinnati -7.5 ILLINOIS
It’s a rarity in this one. It’s a duo of sponsored picks rolled into one. First, it’s a Tim Beckman Axiom game, so you know I can’t take Illinois. Second, DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It’s The Professor’s Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University! Cincinnati emphatically ruining my lock and Illinois being Illinois make this one a winner.

OHIO STATE -27.5 San Diego State
The Aztecs lost by 21 to Eastern Illinois at home, so I figure the Bucks are good for one more TD than a directional Illinois school. Plus, jet lag.

NORTHWESTERN -12 Syracuse
I’m tempted to listen to KCKCKCK and ride the Cats into another big game, but injury concerns and a letdown after a good win at Cal spell a seven-point win for NU.

INDIANA -13 Navy
Anchors aweigh, bitches. Anchors aweigh.

NEBRASKA -28 Southern Miss
You didn’t exactly inspire me with a lot of hope last week, Huskers. Make me believe again.

MICHIGAN -3.5 Notre Dame
This is a Schadenfreude game because of Notre Dame’s presence, but it’s more so a game of arrogance. Both programs and their insufferable fans have egos writing check their bodies can’t cash (© Cmdr. Tom Jordan – callsign Stinger). I’m going with Meeeee-chigan solely because I loathe their program and fans just a tad less than Notre Dame’s.

Minnesota -16.5 NEW MEXICO STATE
It’s another rarity for The Professor’s Smart Money Picks. For the first time ever, a Gopher game has qualified as the Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game, brought to you by RO*TEL. I’d like to provide a rationale for the pick but because it’s the DAOLTTIACAG?G, I’m contractually precluded from providing an analysis.

Thus concludes The Professor’s Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen. Bet smart ®.

2013 Pick ‘em Corner Standings (locks in parentheses)
1. Wick to Click – 14-6 (1-0) – 16 pts
2. Money Traen -12-8 (1-0) – 14 pts
2. Steve Stellar – 12-8 (1-0) – 14 pts
4. The Professor – 12-8 (0-1) – 12 pts
4. Mrs. Money – 10-9 (1-0)– 12 pts
4. Strickly Cash 10-10 (1-0) – 12 pts
7. C-Noth 9-11 (1-0) – 11 pts
8. Aaron Seehusen -10-10 (0-0) – 10 pts
8. Bob Keiser – 10-8 (0-1) - 10 pts
8. KCKCKCK – 10-10 (0-1) – 10 pts
8. Lockrem’s Locks - 8-12(1-0) – 10 pts
8. Mr. Money - 8-12 (1-0) – 10 pts
8. The Cornerman 10-10 (0-1) – 10 pts
8. The Host - 8-12 (1-0) - 10 pts
8. The Veteran 10-10 (0-1) – 10 pts
16. Larry the Money Guy – 8-12 (0-1) – 8 pts
17. The Line Adjuster – 3-1 (0-0) - 3 pts
18. Special G – 0-0 (0-0) - 0 pts
18. Moneyline Maus – 0-0 (0-0) - 0 pts
18. Foreman’s Forecast – 0-0 (0-0) - 0 pts
18. auto-MATT-ic – 0-0 (0-0) - 0 pts

The Professor in 2013 Pick ‘Em Corner
Overall record: 12-8 (.600)
Statistically-Proven Locks: 0-1 (.000)
Games involving Big Ten teams: 5-7 (.417)
Games not involving Big Ten teams: 7-1 (.875)
Minnesota games: 1-0 (1.000)
Schadenfreude Games (Wisconsin, Iowa, Notre Dame): 1-2 (.333)
Service Academy Games: 0-0 (.000)
Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Games: 0-1 (.000)
Roll Tide Turkey Games: 6-5 (.545)
Tim Beckman Axiom Games: 1-0 (1.000)