Pick 'em Corner - The Professor's Week 12 Smart Money Picks

Being a Gopher football fan is like being a fan of a mediocre trapeze artist. Good things could happen, but mostly you just hope he survives.

I go to the circus multiple times each fall, gazing to the upper reaches of the big top, looking for my favorite performer on the high wire. And there he is, so full of promise, so sure that he's going to wow the crowd with a flawless performance. He's been training for this circus season for the better part of nine months and he believes that this is the year he turns the corner from being merely mediocre to borderline elite.

Likewise, I believe. I believe that this is the season he rewards his fans with a year of amazing performances on the high wire. I believe that, for all the times he has let me down with a sub-par showing, it's this year that he puts it all together and reaches the potential that I know he possesses.

I have been cheering for this particular trapeze artist for well over a decade and, at the very least, he never fails to entertain. He has entertained me with spectacular feats of success and he has entertained me with mind-blowing acts of failure. He's never been killed, but has come perilously close. He's been put on life support, only to come back the next week and give a plucky effort.

Sure, there are better acts at this particular circus, one of the better traveling circuses in the nation. Acts that year in and year out, week in and week out, amaze the crowd with their superlative abilities in acrobatics, gymnastics and contortion. Some of these performers are rewarded each season with invitations to join Cirque du Soleil and other premier circus destinations. These performers have huge followings, both locally and on the national circus stage. Though impressed by these acts and respectful of their abilities, I feel no connection to these performers.

A handful of times each season, my favorite trapeze artist will give me reason for hope. He'll put forth a complete performance on the high wire and leave the big top to cheers and applause. "This is the year," I say as I head home.

More times than not, however, I leave the circus disappointed. Sure, I had a good time, cheering on my favorite trapeze artist, but he just didn't give me enough to be truly pleased about the performance. I walk out of the big top, astonished by the way that he managed to find yet another new and creative way of spoiling an otherwise promising performance.

And yet, I'll be back. Next week, I'll come back to the circus, hoping that the odds will be in my and the trapeze artist's favor. And if he puts forth another mediocre showing, I'll be mildly upset, but I'll still believe that this is the right circus act to cheer for.

And if another season goes by without my favorite high wire act reaching his untapped potential, I'll vow to return next season. I'll tell myself that the trapeze artist is improving. His falls, though still somewhat frequent, are less disastrous. His performances are starting to show signs of making the leap from mediocre to above average.

I'll keep coming back to the circus, cheering on my favorite trapeze artist. Sure, he's liable to fall a time or two, but when he soars through the air and completes a flawless performance, I'll be able to say that I was his fan when he was still afraid of heights.

The Professor penned the above essay about a year ago in an attempt to encapsulate what  it’s like to be a Gopher football fan. It seems timely now that the world of a Gopher football fan has changed.

Jerry Kill & his merry band of Golden Gophers have gone on the program’s first four-game Big Ten winning streak since before The Professor was born and now I don’t know how to feel. For decades, the above essay applied. Now, The Professor is not so sure.

Likewise, for years The Professor has been among the elite in Pick ‘em Corner, finishing at or near the top of the standings for the nation’s premier college football handicapping program. This season, The Professor is in 10^th place, clinging to a .500 record.

The Professor’s 2013 Pick ‘Em Corner season should feel like The Governor’s Victory Bell at TCF Bank Stadium last Saturday:

Instead, it feels like this:

Like Jerry Kill, The Professor is dancing and singing his way through the season, not because of superlative Pick ‘em Corner performances, but because of the inspirational, motivational campaign that The Professor’s beloved Golden Gophers have provided fans of the Maroon and Gold everywhere.

Sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and enjoy the lecture, for these are The Professor’s Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen. Bet Smart ®

UCF -16.5 TEMPLE (East Coast Bias Game)

It’s the Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game (DAOtLotTTIACATG?G), brought to you by Casa de Autos. The Professor hates East Coast Bias, so he’s taking the less “East Coast” team in this one. Go Fighting Seeleys! 

Central Michigan -3 WESTERN MICHIGAN (MACtion Game of the Week, sponsored by Kraft Macaroni & Cheese)

It’s not every week we get two members of the Michigan Directional School Triumvirate (look it up, Mrs. Money) in the same game. Well, OK, we had it last week with Western vs. Eastern, but I digress. I’ll take the NCAA-endorsed hostile and abusive nicknames (Chippewas) over the team in brown jerseys.

NAVY -7.5 South Alabama (Service Academy Game of the Week, brought to you by the Armed Forces Network)

South Alabama is second-to-last in the Sun Belt which sounds like something Ru Paul would wear. Anchors aweigh!

KANSAS STATE -10.5 TCU

Kudos to Jerry Kill and Norwood Teague on scheduling TCU when they suck. It took everything the Frogs had to scrape out a win at Iowa State last week. They won’t have anything left in the tank against KSU. Take the Cats and the old man coach. In fact, DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It’s The Professor’s Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University!

Miami -3 DUKE

Duke thinks they can win, which means they absolutely cannot. You can’t have nice things, Duke football.

Oklahoma State -3 TEXAS

Chalk this one up to  “The Professor would love for ESPN College GameDay to make its first-ever appearance to Minneapolis and already have sign ideas that involve Tim Brewster, Bucky and jorts, so I’m cheering for teams to lose this week that might be involved in a better game next week which GameDay would go to ahead of the Gopher-BADger game.” Thus ends the longest run-on sentence in Pick ‘em Corner history. Go Horns.

AUBURN -3.5 Georgia

I’ve got nothing here other than to suggest a battle between these two teams’ living mascots – War Eagle and UGA. How entertaining would that be? I like War Eagle because AIR SUPERIORITY.

FLORIDA STATE -37.5 Syracuse

The fact that the Orange can run the ball is the only reason the Noles won’t win this one by 40.

OREGON -27 Utah

The NCAA-endorsed hostile and abusive nicknamed Utah Utes play a similar physical style to Stanford, but Oregon is angry. Ever encounter an angry duck? It’s scary.

BAYLOR -26.5 Texas Tech

See Oklahoma State vs. Texas.

LOUISVILLE -15.5 Houston

Like Lockrem’s Locks late on a Saturday night at a sleepy Brookings, SD McDonalds, I like the Cougars.

SOUTH CAROLINA -13.5 Florida

Florida is a gongshow right now.

Alabama -25.5 MISSISSIPPI STATE (Roll Tide Turkey Game)

Not one team has come within 21 points of the Turkey since the 49-42 win over Manziel & Co. on Sept. 14. Expect that trend to continue. Also, MSU is the crappier of the too Mississippi schools, so there’s that.

Stanford -4 USC

Nerds are way too smart to have a letdown after a big win over Oregon. NERDS!!!

ARIZONA STATE -14 Oregon State

Beaver One, Beaver All,
Lets all do the Beaver call,
(Make Beaver Teeth with your hands in front of your mouth) while singing Nyuck, Nyuck, Nyuck, Nyuck,Nyuck, Nyuck

Beaver 2 ,Beaver 3,
Lets all climb the Beaver tree, (Imitate Climbing a tree)
while singing Nyuck, Nyuck, Nyuck, Nyuck,Nyuck, Nyuck
Beaver 4, Beaver 5,
Lets all do the Beaver Jive, (Do a hand jive in coordination with your "Nyucks") while singing Nyuck, Nyuck, Nyuck, Nyuck,Nyuck, Nyuck
Beaver Six, Beaver Seven,
Lets all go to Beaver Heaven, (Flap your arms like little Beaver Angel wings and float around)
while singing Nyuck, Nyuck, Nyuck, Nyuck,Nyuck, Nyuck
Beaver Eight, Beaver Nine
Stop!! Its BEAVER TIME!!!

 

PENN STATE -21.5 Purdue

Purdue is not a good American football team.

WISCONSIN -23.5 Indiana

I’m going against my picks in the OSU-Texas and Baylor-TTU games here for one reason: SCHADENFREUDE.

Ohio State -32 ILLINOIS (Tim Brewster Game of the Week)

The Professor misapplied the Tim Beckman Axiom and was punished for his transgression. Not this week.

Michigan State -6.5 NEBRASKA

No one circles the wagons better than the Pelini family. No one.

NORTHWESTERN -3 Michigan

The way these two teams are going right now, I wouldn’t be surprised if a bus vs. train crash prevented Michigan from making it to the game and the entire Northwestern team gets infected with MRSA.

 2013 Pick ‘em Corner Standings (locks in parentheses)

1. Money Traen - 114-101-5 (9-2) – 132 pts

2. Steve Stellar – 122-94-5 (4-7) – 130 pts

2. Wick to Click – 112-104-5 (9-2) – 130 pts

4. C-Noth - 115-101-5 (7-4) – 129 pts

5. Strickly Cash 118-98-5 (5-5-1) – 128 pts

6. KCKCKCK – 113-102-5 (6-5) – 125 pts

7. The Cornerman 116-100-5 (4-6) – 124 pts

8. Mrs. Money – 106-108-4 (8-3) – 122 pts

9. The Veteran 108-108-5 (6-5) – 120 pts

10. The Professor – 108-108-5 (5-6) – 118 pts

11. Big-Game Bob – 104-108-4 (5-6) – 114 pts

12. Mr. Money - 101-112-5 (6-5) – 113 pts

12. Larry the Cash Guy – 103-113-5 (5-6) – 113 pts

14. Lockrem’s Locks - 98-99-3 (7-3) – 112 pts

15. The Host - 88-108-5 (5-5) – 98 pts

16. Your Picks Ain’t Schmidt – 82-94-5 (5-4) – 92 pts

17. Do You See What I Seehusen - 47-54 (1-3) – 49 pts

18. The Line Adjuster – 3-1 (0-0) – 3 pts

19. Foreman’s Forecast – 0-0 (0-0) – 0 pts

19. auto-MATT-ic – 0-0 (0-0) – 0 pts

The Professor in 2013 Pick 'Em Corner

Overall record: 108-108-5 (.500)

Statistically-Proven Locks: 5-6 (.455)

Games involving Big Ten teams: 37-53-1 (.412)

Games not involving Big Ten teams: 71-55-4 (.562)

Minnesota games: 3-7 (.300)

Schadenfreude Games (Wisconsin, Iowa, Notre Dame): 9-18-1 (.339)

Service Academy Games: 5-7 (.417)

Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Games: 6-5 (.545)

Roll Tide Turkey Games: 3-5 (.375)

Tim Beckman Axiom Games: 3-6 (.333)