Pick 'em Corner - The Professor's Week 10 Smart Money Picks

The Professor is barely hanging onto a top 10 spot in the Pick ‘em Corner standings and doesn’t care. In fact, allow me to let Winnie the Pooh (what's a Pooh, by the way?) tell you how The Professor feels about this:

Why is The Professor not caring about his dreadful Pick ‘em Corner performance through nine weeks of the season? Easy, the Gopher football team is in the midst of its best two-game stretch in at least a decade. So, how does The Professor feel after upset wins over Northwestern and Nebraska. Take it away, dancing zebra …

Sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and enjoy the lecture, for these are The Professor’s Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen. Bet Smart ®

Northern Illinois -23.5 UMASS (MAC GAME OF THE WEEK)

UMass couldn’t stay within 29 points of Buffalo and Northern Illinois has scored 35 or more in six of its eight games. Also, the Jerry Kill Inspiration Factor plays a role for the Huskies, even though he left DeKalb or wherever the heck NIU is three years ago.

AIR FORCE – pick – Army (Service Academy Game)

This game will be over in about an hour and a half with all the running these two squads do, so don’t miss it. In another of The Professor’s favorite games of the season – one pitting two of his beloved service academies – take the team with the players that have the guts to put themselves in harm’s way in defense of their country. Hint: It’s not the Chair Force. ON BRAVE OLD ARMY TEAM!

San Jose State -3.5 UNLV (Gopher Common Opponent Game)

It’s the Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game (DAOtLotTTIACATG?G), brought to you by Casa de Autos. Don’t Fales me now, Trojans. (sorry)

SOUTH CAROLINA -12 Mississippi State (Tim Brewster Game of the Week)

If South Carolina is on the road, it’s upset alert city. But it’s not, so it’s not. Also, to the old-timer fan at TCF Bank Stadium that still wasn’t sold that Jerry Kill & Co. wasn’t a major upgrade over Basement Brew until last week …

KANSAS STATE -16.5 Iowa State

I’m going against my family’s wishes and picking against The Professor’s father’s alma mater for one simple reason. Kansas State can pass the ball and Iowa State cannot stop said passed balls.

Clemson -17 VIRGINIA

You can’t be the worst team in a mediocre league and expect to stay within 17 of one of the best teams in a mediocre league. Charlottesville’s own Dave Matthews Band can drink to that:

Georgia -2.5 Florida

I had lunch with my son Kieran’s Kindergarten class today, and one of Kieran’s friends was wearing a Gators hoodie. He was the biggest kid in his class. Thus ends my rationale for picking Florida here.

NOTRE DAME -17 Navy

You have to love the combo Schadenfreude/Service Academy game, don’t you? WELL I DO. There’s just so much to love about Navy (namely AMERICA) and so much to hate about Notre Dame (not the least of which are their garish shiny gold helmets that have infiltrated their equally-loathed hockey team). Unless you’re a card-carrying Catholic or from northern Indiana (I’m neither), you have no business cheering for the Irish.

Auburn -8 ARKANSAS

In the immortal words of that paramedic from “There’s Something About Mary,” WE GOT A BLEEDER. He was talking about Bert’s Arkansas team. Also, this:

MISSOURI -10.5 Tennessee

I like the Big 12 in this one. I guarantee 30 percent of the Pick ‘em Corner panel (looking at you, Mrs. Money) cannot find the inaccuracy in that statement.

TEXAS TECH -2.5 Oklahoma State

I read something about Oklahoma State coeds having intimate relations with prospective Cowboy football players and it shocked and appalled me. SHOCKED! APPALLED! I cannot in good conscience support a program that would stand for such a thing.

FLORIDA STATE -22 Miami (Fla.)

What Stellar said.

TEXAS A&M -45.5 UTEP

I’m taking UTEP only because I think it’s the first and only time UTEP has been included in Pick ‘em Corner. Also, it’s kinda fun to say UTEP. Try it. See? UTEP. UTEP. UTEP. (It’s pronounced YOU-TEP, Mrs. Money)

FRESNO STATE -20.5 Nevada

DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It’s The Professor’s Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University! The Bulldogs are 7^th in the nation in points, while the Wolfpack (that’s correct, isn’t it?) is 111^th in points against.

PENN STATE -10 Illinois

After three straight ugly losses, it’s time to retire the Bizarro Tim Beckman Axiom and go back to the original hypothesis that any game involving Illinois head coach Tim Beckman should be picked in favor of Chief Illiniwek’s opponent when the spread seems reasonable if it involved any other coach. Go Nits.

Ohio State -31.5 PURDUE

I didn’t take the big spread in the Texas A&M game because it’s fun to say UTEP, so I’m taking a big spread here because I fell like I need to take a big spread every week. Also, Purdue is not a good American football team.

Wisconsin -9.5 IOWA

I know I’m required to pick a team in each game, but honestly, I’d prefer to take “METEOR STRIKES IOWA CITY” instead.

MICHIGAN STATE -6 Michigan

“The exports of Libya are numerous in amount. One thing they export is corn, or as the Indians call it, ‘maize.’. Another famous Indian was ‘Crazy Horse.’ In conclusion, Libya is a land of contrast. Thank you.” I chose to include the above Bart Simpsons quote because it includes the word “maize” and one of Michigan’s colors is “maize.” No, I am not drunk. Now on to the real analysis: I like Sparty to win this game, but six points is just too much to give an offense that is schizophrenic week in and week out. Michigan has been underwhelming this season, but they’re still Michigan.

NEBRASKA -7 Northwestern

Nebraska was completely and utterly outcoached and outmuscled against Minnesota. Read that sentence again. No, really. Read it again. It is that sentence which tells me enough about who to choose in this game.

INDIANA -9.5 Minnesota

You proved me wrong last week, Goldy. And the week before. Do it again. I triple dog dare you.

2013 Pick ‘em Corner Standings (locks in parentheses)

1. Wick to Click – 91-86-4 (8-1) – 107 pts

2. C-Noth - 93-84-3 (6-3) – 105 pts

3. Money Traen - 90-86-4 (7-2) – 104 pts

3. Steve Stellar – 100-77-4 (2-7) – 104 pts

3. Mrs. Money – 90-85-3 (7-2) – 104 pts

6. KCKCKCK – 93-83-4 (4-5) – 101 pts

7. Strickly Cash 94-83-4 (3-5-1) – 100 pts

8. The Cornerman 92-85-4 (3-5) – 98 pts

9. The Veteran 88-89-4 (4-5) – 96 pts

10. The Professor – 87-90-4 (4-5) – 95 pts

11. Larry the Cash Guy – 85-92-4 (4-5) – 93 pts

12. Mr. Money - 82-92-4 (4-5) – 90 pts

13. Big-Game Bob – 80-93-4 (3-6) – 86 pts

14. Lockrem’s Locks - 75-83-2 (5-3) – 85 pts

15. The Host - 72-85-4 (5-3) – 82 pts

16. Your Picks Ain’t Schmidt – 58-79-4 (3-4) – 64 pts

17. Do You See What I Seehusen - 47-54 (1-3) – 49 pts

18. The Line Adjuster – 3-1 (0-0) – 3 pts

19. Foreman’s Forecast – 0-0 (0-0) – 0 pts

19. auto-MATT-ic – 0-0 (0-0) – 0 pts

The Professor in 2013 Pick 'Em Corner

Overall record: 87-90-4 (.492)

Statistically-Proven Locks: 4-5 (.444)

Games involving Big Ten teams: 34-45-1 (.431)

Games not involving Big Ten teams: 53-45-3 (.540)

Minnesota games: 3-4 (.429)

Schadenfreude Games (Wisconsin, Iowa, Notre Dame): 6-16-1 (.282)

Service Academy Games: 3-6 (.333)

Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Games: 5-4 (.556)

Roll Tide Turkey Games: 3-4 (.429)

Tim Beckman Axiom Games: 3-4 (.429)