Pick 'em Corner - The Professor's Week 7 Smart Money Picks - Oktoberfest Edition

It’s quick-hitter week for The Professor for several reasons: 1) Gopher bye week, 2) Jerry Kill leave of absence has The Professor depressed, 3) The Professor is in 7^th place and 4) The Professor has turned his attention to Oktoberfest at Excelsior Brewing Company.

Ein Prosit, ein Prosit
Der Gemütlichkeit
Ein Prosit, ein Prosit
Der Gemütlichkeit.

EINS! ZWEI! DREI! G'SUFFA!

Zicke zacke, zicke zacke, hoi hoi hoi!

Sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and enjoy the lecture, for these are The Professor’s Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen. Bet Smart ®

GEORGIA -8 Missouri

I’m still trying to wrap my head around Mizzou in the SEC. Nevertheless, take the Tigers vs. a injury-depleted UGA squad.

Oklahoma -14 Texas (Dallas, Texas) (Tim Brewster Game of the Week, in honor of his recruitment of national title QB Vince Young)

The Mack Brown Farewell Tour hits the Texas State Fair and the Red River Shootout Rivalry. Ohhhhhhhhhh-klahoma.

TEXAS TECH -14 Iowa State

Underwhelming is the name of this game, but The Professor’s father went to ISU, so the Cyclones get the nod.

South Carolina -6 ARKANSAS

This one’s for you, @BeingBielema

DUKE -3 Navy (Service Academy Game)

The Professor would say hi to all our servicemen and women watching Pick ‘em Corner on Armed Forces Network, but the asinine government shutdown also blacked out PeC on AFN. Shame on you, lawmakers. Shame.

UMASS -3.5 Miami (Ohio) (#MACtion Game of the Week, sponsored by Kraft Macaroni & Cheese)

It’s the Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game (DAOtLotTTIACATG?G), brought to you by Casa de Autos.

Baylor -17 KANSAS STATE

The Professor is confused by this spread. The Professor is also confused on a weekly basis with his locks. So, in the vein of two wrongs make a right … DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It’s The Professor’s Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University!

LSU -7 Florida

This one is touch & geaux, but I like the Tigers in Baton Rouge.

MARYLAND -7 Virginia

Big Ten! Big Ten! Big Ten!

CLEMSON -24.5 Boston College

Boston College has turned its focus to hockey season.

Oregon -13.5 WASHINGTON

I’ve been riding the Ducks and their insane streak of five games with 55 or more points, so why stop now?

Stanford -9 UTAH

NERDS!!!!!

BYU -7 Georgia Tech

MORMONS!!!

Alabama -27.5 KENTUCKY (Roll Tide Turkey Game)

Big spread alert! The Professor loves big spreads (and don’t get cute with that).

Texas A&M -6 OLE MISS

As a nice Northerner, I cannot in good conscience pick a team that glorifies the Confederate Army. Aggie Vision!

UCLA -24.5 Cal
The Dirty Golden Bears are a mess. UCLA is not. Take the Bruins.

MICHIGAN STATE -9.5 Indiana

The Hoosiers have alternated big wins and bad losses through five weeks this season, so I’m going with the trend here. Sparty’s defense is the tits and his much-maligned offense is picking up steam. Go Green! Go White!

Nebraska -14 PURDUE

Purdue is not a good American football team.

WISCONSIN -10 Northwestern

Cut from scene of the Northwestern players dancing on the ‘Motion W’ to the Wildcat and Badger coaches talking on the field:

Pat Fitzgerald:

Right now you are down and out
And feelin' really crappy.

Gary Andersen:
I'll say.

Pat:
And when I see how sad you are,
It sorta makes me happy.

Gery:
Happy?

Pat:
Sorry Gary.
Human nature-
Nothing I can do.
It's Schadenfreude
Making me feel glad that I'm not you.

Gary:
Now that's not very nice Pat.

Pat:
I didn't say it was nice,
But everybody does it.
'Dya ever clap when a waitress falls
And drops a tray of glasses?

Gary:
Yea.

Pat:
And ain't it fun to watch Iowa Hawkeyes
Fallin' on their asses?

Gary:
Sure.

Pat:
Don't you feel all warm and cozy
Watching people out in the rain?

Gary:
You bet.

Pat:
That's

Both:
Schadenfreude.

Pat:
People taking pleasure in your pain.

Gary:
Oh. Schadenfreude, huh? What's that? Some kind of Nazi word?

Pat:
Yup. It's German for 'happiness at the misfortune of others'.

Gary:
'Happiness at the misfortune of others'
That is German!
Watching a vegetarian
Being told she just ate chicken.

Pat:
Or watching a frat boy
Realize just what he put his dick in.

Gary:
Being on an elevator when somebody
Shouts 'Hold the door!'

Pat:
Oh yea!

Both:
No!
Schadenfreude,

Pat:
F  you lady!
That's what stairs are for!

Gary:
Ooh- How about:
Straight A students getting B's,

Pat:
Exes getting STDs,

Gary:
Waking doormen from their naps,

Pat:
Watching tourists reading maps,

Gary:
Football players getting tackled,

Pat:
CEOs getting shackled,

Gary:
Watching actors never reach,

Both:
The ending of their Oscar speech!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!

Pat:
The world needs people like you and me
Who've been knocked around by fate
'Cause when people see us
They don't want to be us
And that makes them feel great

Gary:
Sure.
We provide a vital service to society.

Both:
You and me!
Schadenfreude
Making the world a better place
Making the world a better place
Making the world a better place to be!

Pat:
S-C-H-A-D-E-N-F-R-E-U-D-E!

Michigan -2 PENN STATE

Experience wins as Devin Gardner outplays Christian Hackenberg down the stretch.

2013 Pick ‘em Corner Standings (locks in parentheses)

1. Wick to Click – 64-55-2 (6-0) – 76 pts

2. Steve Stellar – 70-49-2 (1-5) – 72 pts
3. C-Noth - 63-56-2 (4-2) – 71 pts

3. Money Traen - 61-58-2 (5-1) – 71 pts

5. KCKCKCK – 64-55-2 (3-3) – 70 pts

6. Mrs. Money – 59-58-2 (5-1) – 69 pts

7. The Professor – 64-55-2 (2-4) – 68 pts

7. Strickly Cash 62-57-2 (3-3) – 68 pts

7. The Cornerman 64-55-2 (2-4) – 68 pts

10. The Veteran 61-58-2 (3-3) – 67 pts
11. Mr. Money - 58-58-2 (3-3) – 64 pts

12. Big-Game Bob – 57-58-2 (2-4) – 61 pts

13. Larry the Cash Guy  – 57-62-2 (2-4) – 61 pts

14. Lockrem’s Locks - 46-55 (4-1) – 54 pts

15. The Host - 47-52-2 (3-2) – 53 pts

16. Do You See What I Seehusen -47-54 (1-3) – 49 pts

17. Your Picks Ain’t Schmidt – 31-48-2 (1-3) – 33 pts

18. The Line Adjuster – 3-1 (0-0) – 3 pts

19. Foreman’s Forecast – 0-0 (0-0) – 0 pts

19. auto-MATT-ic – 0-0 (0-0) – 0 pts

The Professor in 2013 Pick 'Em Corner

Overall record: 64-55-2 (.537)

Statistically-Proven Locks: 2-4 (.333)

Games involving Big Ten teams: 31-35-1 (.470)

Games not involving Big Ten teams: 33-20-1 (.620)

Minnesota games: 3-2 (.600)

Schadenfreude Games (Wisconsin, Iowa, Notre Dame): 6-10-1 (.382)

Service Academy Games: 3-3 (.500)

Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Games: 3-3 (.500)

Roll Tide Turkey Games: 1-3 (.250)

Tim Beckman Axiom Games: 3-2 (.600)