Pick 'em Corner - The Professor's Week 4 Smart Money Picks

Admittedly, The Professor had an sub-par performance in week 3. An 8-12 showing is unacceptable to The Professor and The Professor’s Pupils, and I know it. But don’t worry, Pupils, the silly season of teams playing schools that include things like A&T, Tech and various directions is nearing its end. Until then, feel free to follow my sister, Mrs. Money, who makes her picks based on a few factors: 1) which mascot she likes better, 2) which quarterback’s butt looks better in football pants or 3) coin flip.

Sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and enjoy the lecture, for these are The Professor’s Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen. Bet Smart ®

MARYLAND -5 West Virginia (Baltimore, Md.)

After a close loss to Oklahoma and a 41-7 drubbing of Georgia State, the Mountaineers are starting to find their identity this season after losing Geno Smith to the NFL. The Terps, meanwhile, have ugly uniforms and are without two of their starting CBs. Look for West Virginia to take an early lead and hold on as Maryland finds out what BCS competition is like for the first time this season.

RUTGERS -1 Arkansas

Sorry, Stellar, the Schadenfreude angle doesn’t extend all the way to Fayetteville. Although I loathe Bret Bielema, my contract with Gasthof zur Gemutlichkeit does not allow for Schadenfreuede to be used as a picking factor in games that don’t involve Bucky, Herky and the Leprechaun. Instead, I’ll go with … ESS-EEE-SEE! ESS-EEE-SEE! ESS-EEE-SEE! Also, a pro tip: If you’re not following @BeingBielema, you’re doing Twitter wrong

USC -6.5 Utah State

Lane Kiffin and NCAA sanctions or not, a program like USC better darn well beat a program like Utah State by more than a TD.

FLORIDA -17 Tennessee

Two weeks to prepare, at home, playing an opponent that gave up 687 yards and 59 points. Yeah, I’ll take the Gators.

STANFORD -7 Arizona State

Instead of providing an analysis for this game, I’d like to take this time to thank Arizona State and its bought-and-paid-for Pac-12 officials for last week’s glorious result against the BADgers. Don’t let the rest of the country tell you you’re lucky for escaping with that win thanks to the officials. Nay, I say. Instead, tell those that say you didn’t earn it by reminding them about Bucky’s complete lack of urgency in the waning moments of that game. And kudos to you ASU D-linemen for jumping on that ball and delaying the spotting of the ball to allow time to run out. Well played. As a token of The Professor’s gratitude, please accept this fruit basket.

ALABAMA -39.5 Colorado State (Roll Tide Turkey Game)

The Rams gave up 41 in a loss to Colorado. What more do you need to know? ROLL! TIDE! TURKEY!

LSU -17.5 Auburn

There’s no doubt that LSU wins this game, but this is a tested Auburn squad with wins over BCS foes Washington State and Mississippi State. LSU, meanwhile, has only played an overrated TCU team to open the season, winning just by 10. Look for Auburn to provide stay within two TDs.

TEXAS -5.5 Kansas State

The Longhorn D is light and weak

Deep in the heart of Texas

The Texas heart needs a jump start

Deep in the heart of Texas

Head coach Mack Brown looks like a clown

Deep in the heart of Texas

The Longhorns lose to a chorus of boos

Deep in the heart of Texas

BYU -7 Utah

The team with the players that are allowed to drink caffeine and alcohol wins a close one against the team with the players that aren’t allowed to have premarital sex.

Wyoming -3.5 AIR FORCE (Service Academy Game)

Off we go, into the wild blue yonder. Also into the wild blue yonder will go any chance of me winning this pick. Still, The Professor would like to thank Armed Forces Network for sponsoring The Professor’s Service Academy Game of the Week (SAGoW).

 

MINNESOTA -4 San Jose State
This just in, The Professor wears maroon & gold glasses, so beware this pick. Also, just in, SJSU WR Noel Grigsby, a top target of QB David Fales will not make the trip to Minnesota due to a knee injury. That means the Gophers can key on Fales’ favorite receiver in Chandler Jones, forcing Fales to find other, less worthy targets. Call me crazy, but I think Minnesota controls the time of possession battle here with a running attack that can feature four capable backs if needed. Meanwhile, the Gopher secondary has looked pretty good this season even with the loss of the guy with two last names and whose first name looks like it should be pronounced like your standard “Brian,” but isn’t.

OHIO STATE -50 Florida A&M
I always get scared of gargantuan point spreads like this and say there’s no way a team can lose by 50. Then, while taking in the sights at TCF Bank Stadium, I glance at the out-of-town scoreboard and see Oregon or Ohio State up 73-7. Lesson learned.

IOWA -16.5 Western Michigan

Whoop-de-doo, Iowa. You bet Iowa State. In the words of Christian Bale, oh goooooood for you. You downed the vaunted Cyclones by a whopping six points …  at home. And now I’m supposed to think you’re 17 points better than an equally awful Western Michigan team? Sorry, ain’t gonna happen. Also, as if anyone needed a reminder, this is first of three consecutive The Professor’s Schadenfreude Games of the Week, presented by Gasthof Zur Gemutlichkeit.

 

NOTRE DAME -6.5 Michigan State

Do I have the faith that Sparty has everything figured out after putting up 55 on Youngstown State? No, I do not. But Schadenfreude is a mysterious and seductive siren … and cannot be avoided. Go Green. Go White.

WISCONSIN -24 Purdue

Schadenfreude is defined as the pleasure derived from the misfortune and I cannot think of a better description than what occurred late last Saturday night in Tempe. Wisconsin lost on a controversial wonderfully hilarious play to finish their game against Arizona State and the next morning, the hordes of unwashed Badger faithful got their sad, still very drunk fat asses on the plane back to the God forsaken wasteland that is Wisconsin, mother-F’ing the officials and crying the whole way. And The Professor couldn’t be happier. Look for Wisconsin to be angry but Purdue to be confident after putting a scare into Notre Dame last week. Bucky wins, but not until the Schadenfreude gets one last jab at Bucky to keep this game within 23.

PENN STATE -20.5 Kent State

The Golden Flashes sounds like something Goldmember would do.

NEBRASKA -20.5 South Dakota State

Profanities aside, Bo Pelini’s 2011 rant on fair-weather Nebraska fans was wonderful. Here’s the juiciest part: "F--- you, fans. F--- all of you. F--- 'em." ... "Our crowd. What a bunch of f---ing fair-weather f---ing—they can all kiss my ass out the f---ing door. 'Cause the day is f---ing coming now. We'll see what they can do when I'm f---ing gone. I'm so f---ing pissed off.” Those words could have come straight out of the mouth of The Host’s guy Mase during his embattled final season at Minnesota while all the students were chanting “Fire Mason.” Prophetic that would have been if Mason actually said those words. Back to this game, if the Huskers don’t win by at least 28, we’ll, F--- ‘em. Another pro tip; follow @FauxPelini.

 

NORTHWESTERN -28 Maine

It’s a little weird doing this to a Northwestern team that everyone loves right now, but really, who cares about Northwestern vs. Maine? The players’ parents; that’s it. Therefore, it’s the Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game (DAOtLotTTIACATG?G), brought to you by RO*TEL.

Michigan -17.5 UCONN

DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It’s The Professor’s Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University! UConn has losses at home to Towson and Maryland, so there’s no reason to believe they’ll have any shot against Michigan. But what about the Wolverines’ near-loss to Akron last week, you ask? A mere hangover after the emotional win over the hated Irish. The coaches won’t let a letdown happen again this week. Meeeee-chigan rolls.

Missouri -2.5 INDIANA

As far as I know, Missouri doesn’t run the triple option, so Indiana won’t be flummoxed like it was against Navy.

2013 Pick ‘em Corner Standings (locks in parentheses)

1. Money Traen - 34-26 (3-0) – 40 pts
1. Wick to Click – 34-26 (3-0) – 40 pts

3. Mrs. Money – 32-27 (3-0) – 38 pts

4. The Cornerman –  35-25 (1-2) – 37 pts

5. C-Noth - 32-28 (2-1) – 36 pts

6. The Professor – 33-27 (1-2) – 35 pts

6. Steve Stellar – 33-27 (1-2) – 35 pts

8. KCKCKCK – 32-28 (1-2) – 34 pts

9. Strickly Cash – 32-28 (1-2) – 34 pts

10. The Veteran – 29-31 (2-1) – 33 pts
11. Big Money Bob – 30-28 (1-2) – 32 pts

11. Mr. Money –  30-29 (1-2) – 32 pts

13. Aaron “I Need a Moniker” Seehusen – 29-31 (1-1) – 31 pts

13. Lockrem’s Locks –  27-33 (2-1) – 31 pts

15. Larry the Cash Guy – 28-32 (1-2) – 30 pts

16. The Host –  17-23 (1-1) – 19 pts

17. Your Picks Ain’t Schmidt –  7-13 (0-1) - 7 pts

18. The Line Adjuster – 3-1 (0-0) – 3 pts

19. Foreman’s Forecast – 0-0 (0-0) – 0 pts

19. auto-MATT-ic – 0-0 (0-0) – 0 pts

The Professor in 2013 Pick 'Em Corner

Overall record: 33-27 (.550)

Statistically-Proven Locks: 1-2 (.333)

Games involving Big Ten teams: 16-20 (.444)

Games not involving Big Ten teams: 17-7 (.708)

Minnesota games: 2-1 (.667)

Schadenfreude Games (Wisconsin, Iowa, Notre Dame): 3-6 (.333)

Service Academy Games: 2-1 (.667)

Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Games: 1-2 (.333)

Roll Tide Turkey Games: 1-1 (.500)

Tim Beckman Axiom Games: 2-1 (.667)

Pick 'em Corner - The Professor's Week 3 Smart Money Picks

 The Professor is going to get right to the picks and let his top 5 place in the Pick ‘em Corner standings speak for itself.

The choice is clear, Bet Smart ®

Sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and enjoy the lecture, for these are The Professor’s Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen.

Louisville -13.5 KENTUCKY

The Cats have 3 freshmen (don’t ever call them frosh – that’s the most annoying thing ever) and 4 sophomores on their two-deep in the secondary. The Cards, meanwhile, have Heisman hopeful Teddy Bridgewater (which, if his name is actually Theodore Bridgewater, sounds like an old-timey name you might find in the same pack of baseball cards as Buttercup Dickerson, Cannonball Titcomb and Abner Dalrymple). In other words, go Lou-uh-ville.

Stanford 28.5 ARMY

It’s the week of the 12^th anniversary of 9/11, so anything other than a pick in favor of the brave men and women at the United States Military Academy means you’re letting the terrorists win.

USC -14 Boston College

KIFFIN DON’T KNOW. For reference: http://www.sbnation.com/college-football/2013/9/11/4717966/lane-kiffin-players-only-meeting-hot-seat-usc

Alabama -7.5 TEXAS A&M

Everyone is playing up the revenge factor for Bama in this game, so why should I change the narrative? ROLL TIDE TURKEY!

OREGON -27.5 Tennessee

The Ducks have far too many weapons for this middle-of-the-pack SEC team who hasn’t been the slightest bit tested in romps over Austin Peay and Western Kentucky. Fellow panelists, spare us the “Tennessee will have to overcome the cross-country trip/time change” spiel. These are college kids flying on a chartered plane and staying in cushy hotels. The distance/time change means nothing. To wit: Northwestern’s late-night win at Cal and Oregon’s 59-10 rout at Virginia. It’s the myriad offensive weapons the Ducks will employ to overwhelm the Vols, not the jet lag. QUACK!

AUBURN -5.5 Mississippi State

I’ve got nothing for this game, now that Tim Brewster is at Florida State and Gene Chizik is catfish noodling … probably.

TEXAS -2.5 Ole Miss

HOTTY TODDY, GOSH ALMIGHTY! WHO THE HELL ARE WE? HEY! FLIM FLAM, BIM BAM! OLE MISS, BY DAMN!

 

Maryland -6.5 UCONN

Hmmm … let me see. A Maryland team with the top offense in the ACC vs. a UConn team that lost 33-18 – at home – to Steve Stellar’s Towson squad. I’ll take the team with the weirdest state flag for all the marbles, Alex. In fact, DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It’s The Professor’s Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University!

MICHIGAN -37 Akron

MACrifice victim #1. The Zips got trounced 38-7 by UCF team before edging James Madison - the school, not the exhumed corpse of our fourth president … presumably. Michigan may have some Notre Dame hangover here, but Akron is not a MACtion team to be feared at all (4 wins since end of 2009 season).

MINNESOTA -24 Western Illinois

This worked last week, so I’m doing it again in week 3. It’s the Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game, brought to you by RO*TEL. I’d like to provide a rationale for the pick but because it’s the DAOLTTIACAG?G, I’m contractually precluded from providing an analysis. Also, mmmm … cupcake. 

INDIANA -2.5 Bowling Green

Indiana is like that schizophrenic uncle everyone has (right?). He comes to town every Thanksgiving, but you never know which side of him is going to show up. Will he be the guy who helps in the kitchen before and after the meal, then plays with the kids while everyone else sleeps off their tryptophan high? This is Indiana in week 1. Or will be the guy that hits on your fiancée, spits out what he calls “horesh*t stuffing” and insists on watching reruns of Apartment 227 instead of the NFL? This is Indiana in week 2. I’m going with the week 2 Hoosiers.

NEBRASKA -4.5 UCLA

Nebraska got its crap together in a shellacking of Southern Miss last week, but UCLA will present a stiff test for a Husker team that struggled with Wyoming. The Bruins have had two weeks to prepare for another of this week’s cross-country showdowns and won’t be intimidated by the sea of red in Lincoln. Look for the Black Shirts to struggle again and UCLA to win outright.

MICHIGAN STATE -23.5 Youngstown State

Until the Spartan offense can prove its better than, say, the Holy Family Catholic HS offense, I’m taking the Penguins.

Iowa -2.5 IOWA STATE

The Iowa Football Dumpster Fire was only partially extinguished with last week’s “win” over something called Missouri State. I’d bore you with plenty reasons why a bad Cyclone team will “upset” a bad Hawkeye team, but aside from Mr. Money and The Host (#15 and 16 in the standings, by the way), you just don’t care. Instead, please go here and be thankful that you don’t live in Iowa: http://www.widerightnattylite.com/2013/9/12/4722042/the-ten-best-moments-from-the-hawkeye-house-story

 

PENN STATE -5.5 Central Florida

UCF has put together a couple resounding wins against no-name teams, so the hunch is that they’ll provide a test for the Nits. I agree, but I don’t agree to the tune of 5.5 points. Make that number closer to 10 and you have my vote, Fighting Seeleys.

Washington -9.5 ILLINOIS

The Tim Beckman Axiom took a huge hit last week in an Illini win absolutely no one saw coming. Still, the Axiom is a mathematical formula that has been verified, peer-reviewed and published in respected academic journals, so who am I to challenge the theory?

Ohio State -16 CAL

Both offenses are good, so the difference here is the strong Buckeye D vs. the injury-depleted and otherwise ho-hum Cal D. Look for Cal to start quick and put a scare into the Buckeyes in the first quarter before OSU adjusts and blows the Golden Bears back to Hippiedom.

Notre Dame -20.5 PURDUE

I’m breaking away from my Schadenfreude contract for this game for the sole reason that Purdue is vomit-inducing bad. Meanwhile, Notre Dame is as angry as a drunk Irishman after losing to Meeee-chigan in the Big House and looking like a bunch of chickens for ending the series with the Wolverines. On the other side, we have Purdue who is staring at a schedule that may not provide a win until a Nov. 9 showdown with Iowa.

 

NORTHWESTERN -30.5 Western Michigan

MACrifice victim #2. Western Michigan lost to Nicholls State. That is all.

ARIZONA STATE -5.5 Wisconsin

ATTENTION RESIDENTS OF TEMPE, ARIZONA. Hide your cheese! Hide your beer! The Wisconsin proletariat (look it up, Mrs. Money) is descending on your fine town as we speak. Do not trust these devotees of a mascot that looks like a skunk in a popcorn box. They’ll ask why your liquor stores don’t sell Leine’s. They’ll demand an extra seat on the shuttle bus for their ample backsides. They’ll render your grocery stores devoid of every last variety of sausage. They’ll brag about their back-to-back shutouts to start the season. They’ll boast about their string of Rose Bowl appearances. They’ll act like your Sun Devils are merely a bump in the road on their way to another BCS bowl game. AND THEN THE GAME WILL BEGIN. Taylor Kelly will throw the ball all over the place and the Badger secondary will yearn for the days of UMass receivers and Tennessee Tech tight ends. The 102-degree game time temperature will turn the big, burly Badger offensive linemen into useless piles of sweat. Bucky will lose big and all will be right in the world again. At least that’s what The Professor hopes. 

Thus concludes The Professor’s Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen. Bet smart ®.

2013 Pick ‘em Corner Standings (locks in parentheses)

1. Money Traen – 26-14 (2-0) – 30 pts
2. Wick to Click – 24-16 (2-0) – 28 pts

3. Steve Stellar – 25-15 (1-1) – 27 pts

4. The Professor – 25-15 (0-2) – 25 pts

4. The Cornerman 23-17 (1-1) – 25 pts

6. Big-Money Bob – 22-16 (1-1) – 24 pts

6. Mrs. Money – 20-19 (2-0) – 24 pts

8. Larry the Cash Guy – 21-19 (1-1) – 23 pts

8. Strickly Cash – 21-19 (1-1) – 23 pts

10. KCKCKCK – 22-18 (0-2) – 22 pts

10. Lockrem’s Locks – 18-22 (2-0) – 22 pts

10. The Veteran – 20-20 (1-1) – 22 pts
13. Aaron “I Need a Moniker” Seehusen – 21-19 (0-1) – 21 pts

13. C-Noth – 19-21 (1-1) – 21 pts
15. Mr. Money – 18-21 (1-1) – 20 pts
16. The Host – 17-23 (1-1) – 19 pts

17. The Line Adjuster – 3-1 (0-0) - 3 pts

18. Moneyline Maus – 0-0 (0-0) - 0 pts

18. Foreman’s Forecast – 0-0 (0-0) - 0 pts

18. auto-MATT-ic – 0-0 (0-0) - 0 pts

The Professor in 2013 Pick 'Em Corner

Overall record: 25-15 (.625)

Statistically-Proven Locks: 0-2 (.000)

Games involving Big Ten teams: 13-11 (.542)

Games not involving Big Ten teams: 12-4 (.750)

Minnesota games: 2-0 (1.000)

Schadenfreude Games (Wisconsin, Iowa, Notre Dame): 3-3 (.500)

Service Academy Games: 1-1 (.500)

Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Games: 1-1 (.500)

Roll Tide Turkey Games: 1-0 (1.000)

Tim Beckman Axiom Games: 1-1 (.500)