Pick 'em Corner - The Professor's Week 3 Smart Money Picks

 The Professor is going to get right to the picks and let his top 5 place in the Pick ‘em Corner standings speak for itself.

The choice is clear, Bet Smart ®

Sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and enjoy the lecture, for these are The Professor’s Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen.

Louisville -13.5 KENTUCKY

The Cats have 3 freshmen (don’t ever call them frosh – that’s the most annoying thing ever) and 4 sophomores on their two-deep in the secondary. The Cards, meanwhile, have Heisman hopeful Teddy Bridgewater (which, if his name is actually Theodore Bridgewater, sounds like an old-timey name you might find in the same pack of baseball cards as Buttercup Dickerson, Cannonball Titcomb and Abner Dalrymple). In other words, go Lou-uh-ville.

Stanford 28.5 ARMY

It’s the week of the 12^th anniversary of 9/11, so anything other than a pick in favor of the brave men and women at the United States Military Academy means you’re letting the terrorists win.

USC -14 Boston College

KIFFIN DON’T KNOW. For reference: http://www.sbnation.com/college-football/2013/9/11/4717966/lane-kiffin-players-only-meeting-hot-seat-usc

Alabama -7.5 TEXAS A&M

Everyone is playing up the revenge factor for Bama in this game, so why should I change the narrative? ROLL TIDE TURKEY!

OREGON -27.5 Tennessee

The Ducks have far too many weapons for this middle-of-the-pack SEC team who hasn’t been the slightest bit tested in romps over Austin Peay and Western Kentucky. Fellow panelists, spare us the “Tennessee will have to overcome the cross-country trip/time change” spiel. These are college kids flying on a chartered plane and staying in cushy hotels. The distance/time change means nothing. To wit: Northwestern’s late-night win at Cal and Oregon’s 59-10 rout at Virginia. It’s the myriad offensive weapons the Ducks will employ to overwhelm the Vols, not the jet lag. QUACK!

AUBURN -5.5 Mississippi State

I’ve got nothing for this game, now that Tim Brewster is at Florida State and Gene Chizik is catfish noodling … probably.

TEXAS -2.5 Ole Miss

HOTTY TODDY, GOSH ALMIGHTY! WHO THE HELL ARE WE? HEY! FLIM FLAM, BIM BAM! OLE MISS, BY DAMN!

 

Maryland -6.5 UCONN

Hmmm … let me see. A Maryland team with the top offense in the ACC vs. a UConn team that lost 33-18 – at home – to Steve Stellar’s Towson squad. I’ll take the team with the weirdest state flag for all the marbles, Alex. In fact, DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It’s The Professor’s Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University!

MICHIGAN -37 Akron

MACrifice victim #1. The Zips got trounced 38-7 by UCF team before edging James Madison - the school, not the exhumed corpse of our fourth president … presumably. Michigan may have some Notre Dame hangover here, but Akron is not a MACtion team to be feared at all (4 wins since end of 2009 season).

MINNESOTA -24 Western Illinois

This worked last week, so I’m doing it again in week 3. It’s the Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game, brought to you by RO*TEL. I’d like to provide a rationale for the pick but because it’s the DAOLTTIACAG?G, I’m contractually precluded from providing an analysis. Also, mmmm … cupcake. 

INDIANA -2.5 Bowling Green

Indiana is like that schizophrenic uncle everyone has (right?). He comes to town every Thanksgiving, but you never know which side of him is going to show up. Will he be the guy who helps in the kitchen before and after the meal, then plays with the kids while everyone else sleeps off their tryptophan high? This is Indiana in week 1. Or will be the guy that hits on your fiancée, spits out what he calls “horesh*t stuffing” and insists on watching reruns of Apartment 227 instead of the NFL? This is Indiana in week 2. I’m going with the week 2 Hoosiers.

NEBRASKA -4.5 UCLA

Nebraska got its crap together in a shellacking of Southern Miss last week, but UCLA will present a stiff test for a Husker team that struggled with Wyoming. The Bruins have had two weeks to prepare for another of this week’s cross-country showdowns and won’t be intimidated by the sea of red in Lincoln. Look for the Black Shirts to struggle again and UCLA to win outright.

MICHIGAN STATE -23.5 Youngstown State

Until the Spartan offense can prove its better than, say, the Holy Family Catholic HS offense, I’m taking the Penguins.

Iowa -2.5 IOWA STATE

The Iowa Football Dumpster Fire was only partially extinguished with last week’s “win” over something called Missouri State. I’d bore you with plenty reasons why a bad Cyclone team will “upset” a bad Hawkeye team, but aside from Mr. Money and The Host (#15 and 16 in the standings, by the way), you just don’t care. Instead, please go here and be thankful that you don’t live in Iowa: http://www.widerightnattylite.com/2013/9/12/4722042/the-ten-best-moments-from-the-hawkeye-house-story

 

PENN STATE -5.5 Central Florida

UCF has put together a couple resounding wins against no-name teams, so the hunch is that they’ll provide a test for the Nits. I agree, but I don’t agree to the tune of 5.5 points. Make that number closer to 10 and you have my vote, Fighting Seeleys.

Washington -9.5 ILLINOIS

The Tim Beckman Axiom took a huge hit last week in an Illini win absolutely no one saw coming. Still, the Axiom is a mathematical formula that has been verified, peer-reviewed and published in respected academic journals, so who am I to challenge the theory?

Ohio State -16 CAL

Both offenses are good, so the difference here is the strong Buckeye D vs. the injury-depleted and otherwise ho-hum Cal D. Look for Cal to start quick and put a scare into the Buckeyes in the first quarter before OSU adjusts and blows the Golden Bears back to Hippiedom.

Notre Dame -20.5 PURDUE

I’m breaking away from my Schadenfreude contract for this game for the sole reason that Purdue is vomit-inducing bad. Meanwhile, Notre Dame is as angry as a drunk Irishman after losing to Meeee-chigan in the Big House and looking like a bunch of chickens for ending the series with the Wolverines. On the other side, we have Purdue who is staring at a schedule that may not provide a win until a Nov. 9 showdown with Iowa.

 

NORTHWESTERN -30.5 Western Michigan

MACrifice victim #2. Western Michigan lost to Nicholls State. That is all.

ARIZONA STATE -5.5 Wisconsin

ATTENTION RESIDENTS OF TEMPE, ARIZONA. Hide your cheese! Hide your beer! The Wisconsin proletariat (look it up, Mrs. Money) is descending on your fine town as we speak. Do not trust these devotees of a mascot that looks like a skunk in a popcorn box. They’ll ask why your liquor stores don’t sell Leine’s. They’ll demand an extra seat on the shuttle bus for their ample backsides. They’ll render your grocery stores devoid of every last variety of sausage. They’ll brag about their back-to-back shutouts to start the season. They’ll boast about their string of Rose Bowl appearances. They’ll act like your Sun Devils are merely a bump in the road on their way to another BCS bowl game. AND THEN THE GAME WILL BEGIN. Taylor Kelly will throw the ball all over the place and the Badger secondary will yearn for the days of UMass receivers and Tennessee Tech tight ends. The 102-degree game time temperature will turn the big, burly Badger offensive linemen into useless piles of sweat. Bucky will lose big and all will be right in the world again. At least that’s what The Professor hopes. 

Thus concludes The Professor’s Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen. Bet smart ®.

2013 Pick ‘em Corner Standings (locks in parentheses)

1. Money Traen – 26-14 (2-0) – 30 pts
2. Wick to Click – 24-16 (2-0) – 28 pts

3. Steve Stellar – 25-15 (1-1) – 27 pts

4. The Professor – 25-15 (0-2) – 25 pts

4. The Cornerman 23-17 (1-1) – 25 pts

6. Big-Money Bob – 22-16 (1-1) – 24 pts

6. Mrs. Money – 20-19 (2-0) – 24 pts

8. Larry the Cash Guy – 21-19 (1-1) – 23 pts

8. Strickly Cash – 21-19 (1-1) – 23 pts

10. KCKCKCK – 22-18 (0-2) – 22 pts

10. Lockrem’s Locks – 18-22 (2-0) – 22 pts

10. The Veteran – 20-20 (1-1) – 22 pts
13. Aaron “I Need a Moniker” Seehusen – 21-19 (0-1) – 21 pts

13. C-Noth – 19-21 (1-1) – 21 pts
15. Mr. Money – 18-21 (1-1) – 20 pts
16. The Host – 17-23 (1-1) – 19 pts

17. The Line Adjuster – 3-1 (0-0) - 3 pts

18. Moneyline Maus – 0-0 (0-0) - 0 pts

18. Foreman’s Forecast – 0-0 (0-0) - 0 pts

18. auto-MATT-ic – 0-0 (0-0) - 0 pts

The Professor in 2013 Pick 'Em Corner

Overall record: 25-15 (.625)

Statistically-Proven Locks: 0-2 (.000)

Games involving Big Ten teams: 13-11 (.542)

Games not involving Big Ten teams: 12-4 (.750)

Minnesota games: 2-0 (1.000)

Schadenfreude Games (Wisconsin, Iowa, Notre Dame): 3-3 (.500)

Service Academy Games: 1-1 (.500)

Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Games: 1-1 (.500)

Roll Tide Turkey Games: 1-0 (1.000)

Tim Beckman Axiom Games: 1-1 (.500)

Pick 'em Corner - The Professor's Week 2 Smart Money Picks

I could sit here and boast about The Professor’s week 1 Pick ‘em Corner performance. I could brag about posting the best week 1 record among panelists who missed on their lock of the week. I could remind you about The Professor’s trio of Pick ‘Em Corner Regular Season Handicapping Championships. I could crow about the money that all the money that The Professor’s Pupils have made on the backs of The Professor’s Smart Money Picks over the years.

But I won’t.

Instead, I’ll let you, the discerning betting public, decide who you’d rather trust with your hard-earned money:

-    Week 1 leader Wick to Click: A mere flash in the pan who participates in PeC merely to remember her bygone best days in Dinkytown.
-    Money Traen: Puh-leeze. She doesn’t know a football from a foot rub, which incidentally, she’s received an ample amount of from PeC rookie Larry the Money Guy (unofficial moniker)
-    Steve Stellar: Ok, you can trust Stellar. He’s good people. Did you know he has an Appreciation Society devoted to him on Facebook?
-    Mrs. Money: See Money Traen (and replace Larry the Money Guy with Mr. Money)
-    Strickly Cash: He’s still around?
-    C-Noth: He’s in PeC solely to support his lifelong addiction to cheese and subpar Wisconsin beer (see: Milwaukee’s Best)
-    Aaron Seehusen: Aaron Who-husen?
-    Bob Keiser: The Professor respects his elders. Welcome to the panel, Mr. Keiser.
-    KCKCKCK: This panelist will turn to his background as a long-time BTN employee with access to the brightest minds in college football. What he’s not telling you is he’s really just a low-level production assistant charged with bringing Dave Revsine his Earl Gray tea every morning.
-    Lockrem’s Locks: See Bob Keiser. Also see his sub-.500 record last season.
-    Mr. Money: Too early to tell, but he’s from Iowa, so he clearly cannot be trusted.
-    The Cornerman: He’s got bigger fish to fry now that he’s Corner Office Man.
-    The Host: Can a guy who gets on average 2 hours of sleep be trusted with your betting money? No he cannot. Welcome to fatherhood, Host.
-    The Veteran: See Bob Keiser. Also see him featured on a commercial for the 312 Café in downtown Excelsior – playing daily at your local movie theater.
-    Larry the Money Guy: Too early to tell, but an 8-12 opening week says he doesn’t have beginner’s luck on his side.
-    The Line Adjuster: This guy submitted picks for four games. That’s not half-assed. That’s 20 percent-assed.
-    Special G, Moneyline Maus, Foreman’s Forecast, auto-MATT-ic: When they can’t be bothered to provide week 1 picks, you shouldn’t bother trusting them if/when they do.

The choice is clear, Bet Smart ®.

So sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and enjoy the lecture, for these are The Professor’s Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen.


Florida -3 MIAMI (FLA.)
I trust the Miami Football Hurricanes as far as I can throw Steve Stellar. Hint: Not very far.

BALL STATE -7 Army (Service Academy Game)
After a disappointing absence in week 1, The Professor’s Service Academy Game of the Week (SAGoW), brought to you by Armed Forces Network, is back. Obviously, I’m taking the Long Gray Line in this one as should each of my panelists … IF YOU LOVE AMERICA.

Oregon -21.5 VIRGINIA
Virginia is a mediocre team in a mediocre conference. Oregon is an elite team in an pretty good conference. The Cavaliers won’t know what hit them after the Ducks run roughshod all over Charlottesville,

GEORGIA -3 South Carolina
In a battle of a pair of teams licking their wounds after disappointing week 1 results, I like the home-field advantage and the better quarterback the Dogs will trot out. Also, it’s a “Win one for the Gipper” kind of week for teams with dog mascots, and especially teams with bulldog mascots, as the nation mourns the loss of Butler mascot Blue II. Expect a spirited performance by Uga IX and company in honor of Blue II.

Texas -7 BYU
So the Horns steamroll Mew Mexico State  and BYU loses to aforementioned Virginia in week 1, and Texas is only favored by a TD? What gives? Admiral Ackbar, take it away:

Nevertheless, I like the Longhorns vs. the Mormons (which sounds like a WWE tag-team match-up I’d like to see)

OKLAHOMA -20.5 West Virginia
The Mountaineers will lose this game, but last year’s 787 yards compiled against the Sooners has to count for at least a cover, doesn’t it?

USC -14.5 Washington State
I’m taking the Cougars here for a few reasons. First, who doesn’t love Cougars? Amirite, KCKCKCK? Second, Wazoo gave SEC foe Auburn everything it could hand last week in a 31-24 loss, so I expect another strong effort at USC. Finally, credit must go to the guy who gets an Washington State flag flying in the background of EVERY ESPN College GameDay broadcast, no matter the location (http://ftw.usatoday.com/2013/09/washington-state-flags-are-an-espn-college-gameday-tradition/).

Arizona -10 UNLV
The Rebels get routed by Jerry’s Kids, while Arizona shuts out Northern Arizona (who is probably better than UNLV), and the Wildcats are only favored by 10? “But it’s a road game for Zona,” you say. Uh huh. UNLV and home field advantage do not compute. 

PENN STATE -22.5 Eastern Michigan
When you’re the worst of the Michigan Directional School Triumvirate (look it up, Mrs. Money), you won’t stay within 22.5 of the Corner Office Man’s favorite squad. Take the Nits.

WISCONSIN -45 Tennessee Tech
Ugh. This is a case where The Professor’s contractual and emotional obligations to Schadenfreude get in the way of what would otherwise be a Pick ‘em Corner win. Seriously, though, Barry Alvarez. Tennessee Tech? C’mon. Also, Tennessee and Tech do not make sense in the same sentence. Hate you, Bucky.

IOWA -24.5 Missouri State
I’m confident I’m going to go 0-2 in my first two Schadenfreude games, but in this case, I don’t care. The Professor is still basking in the glow of all the radiant Schadenfreude that rained down on me as the Hawkeyes blew a game against #MACtion. Mmmmm, your tears taste so good, Mr. Money and Host. Schadenfreude is the best kind of freude.

PURDUE -17 Indiana State
In a battle for Indiana inferiority, I like the team that scored 35 points against another Indiana Big Ten team vs. the team that scored 7 points against an AAC team. Also, bite me Boilermakers for ruining my lock.

MICHIGAN STATE -23.5 South Florida
The Spartans struggled move the ball against a member of the Michigan Directional School Triumvirate, but South Florida lost 53-21 to something called McNeese State.

Cincinnati -7.5 ILLINOIS
It’s a rarity in this one. It’s a duo of sponsored picks rolled into one. First, it’s a Tim Beckman Axiom game, so you know I can’t take Illinois. Second, DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It’s The Professor’s Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University! Cincinnati emphatically ruining my lock and Illinois being Illinois make this one a winner.

OHIO STATE -27.5 San Diego State
The Aztecs lost by 21 to Eastern Illinois at home, so I figure the Bucks are good for one more TD than a directional Illinois school. Plus, jet lag.

NORTHWESTERN -12 Syracuse
I’m tempted to listen to KCKCKCK and ride the Cats into another big game, but injury concerns and a letdown after a good win at Cal spell a seven-point win for NU.

INDIANA -13 Navy
Anchors aweigh, bitches. Anchors aweigh.

NEBRASKA -28 Southern Miss
You didn’t exactly inspire me with a lot of hope last week, Huskers. Make me believe again.

MICHIGAN -3.5 Notre Dame
This is a Schadenfreude game because of Notre Dame’s presence, but it’s more so a game of arrogance. Both programs and their insufferable fans have egos writing check their bodies can’t cash (© Cmdr. Tom Jordan – callsign Stinger). I’m going with Meeeee-chigan solely because I loathe their program and fans just a tad less than Notre Dame’s.

Minnesota -16.5 NEW MEXICO STATE
It’s another rarity for The Professor’s Smart Money Picks. For the first time ever, a Gopher game has qualified as the Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game, brought to you by RO*TEL. I’d like to provide a rationale for the pick but because it’s the DAOLTTIACAG?G, I’m contractually precluded from providing an analysis.

Thus concludes The Professor’s Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen. Bet smart ®.

2013 Pick ‘em Corner Standings (locks in parentheses)
1. Wick to Click – 14-6 (1-0) – 16 pts
2. Money Traen -12-8 (1-0) – 14 pts
2. Steve Stellar – 12-8 (1-0) – 14 pts
4. The Professor – 12-8 (0-1) – 12 pts
4. Mrs. Money – 10-9 (1-0)– 12 pts
4. Strickly Cash 10-10 (1-0) – 12 pts
7. C-Noth 9-11 (1-0) – 11 pts
8. Aaron Seehusen -10-10 (0-0) – 10 pts
8. Bob Keiser – 10-8 (0-1) - 10 pts
8. KCKCKCK – 10-10 (0-1) – 10 pts
8. Lockrem’s Locks - 8-12(1-0) – 10 pts
8. Mr. Money - 8-12 (1-0) – 10 pts
8. The Cornerman 10-10 (0-1) – 10 pts
8. The Host - 8-12 (1-0) - 10 pts
8. The Veteran 10-10 (0-1) – 10 pts
16. Larry the Money Guy – 8-12 (0-1) – 8 pts
17. The Line Adjuster – 3-1 (0-0) - 3 pts
18. Special G – 0-0 (0-0) - 0 pts
18. Moneyline Maus – 0-0 (0-0) - 0 pts
18. Foreman’s Forecast – 0-0 (0-0) - 0 pts
18. auto-MATT-ic – 0-0 (0-0) - 0 pts

The Professor in 2013 Pick ‘Em Corner
Overall record: 12-8 (.600)
Statistically-Proven Locks: 0-1 (.000)
Games involving Big Ten teams: 5-7 (.417)
Games not involving Big Ten teams: 7-1 (.875)
Minnesota games: 1-0 (1.000)
Schadenfreude Games (Wisconsin, Iowa, Notre Dame): 1-2 (.333)
Service Academy Games: 0-0 (.000)
Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Games: 0-1 (.000)
Roll Tide Turkey Games: 6-5 (.545)
Tim Beckman Axiom Games: 1-0 (1.000)

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 1 Smart Money Picks

My name is The Professor. Welcome to The Professor's Smart Money Picks 101, a crucial part of the curriculum known as Pick 'em Corner. I've been handicapping college football games for decades now and would like you to know that I am a three-time Pick 'Em Corner Regular Season Handicapping Champion (2008, 2009, 2012). Pay no mind to my predictions for games outside the regular season.

For those of you not familiar with The Professor and my process for handicapping college football games, I've included a brief syllabus:

1. The Professor is proud to return as the presenter of The Professor's Service Academy Game of the Week (SAGoW), brought to you by Armed Forces Network.

2. The Professor ALWAYS chooses the service academy squad in the SAGoW, no matter the matchup or spread.

3. The Professor will provide you with a weekly prediction on which to place the bulk of your bankroll. This prediction will be known as The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University.

4. The Professor will do his darndest to avoid picking Wisconsin and Iowa during the season, but ridiculous betting lines may prevent him from doing so from time to time.

5. Gone is the Ron Zook Postulate and the Tim Brewster Theorem. They have been replaced by the Tim Beckman Axiom. Established for the 2013 season, the axiom states that any game involving Illinois head coach Tim Beckman should be picked in favor of Chief Illiniwek’s opponent when the spread seems reasonable if it involved any other coach.

6. The Professor mockingly provides the Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game, brought to you by RO*TEL. No analysis will be given for a game that pretty much nobody will ever pay attention to.

7. In 2011, The Professor unveiled The Professor’s Schadenfreude Game of the Week, presented by Gasthof Zur Gemutlichkeit. This game prediction will include The Professor’s weekly lecture on the concept of Schadenfreude.

8. The Professor's colleagues in the Pick 'em Corner curriculum include, but are not limited to, The Host, Steve Stellar, The Cornerman, KCKCKCK, The Veteran, Mrs. Money, Mr. Money, Strickly Cash, Money Traen, C-Noth, Lockrem's Locks, Foreman’s Forecast, Special G, Wick to Click, the Line Adjuster, Moneyline Maus and Larry. Do not trust your money to them and their picks.

9. The Professor will use Mr. Heavyfoot (http://mrheavyfoot.blogspot.com) as the homepage for The Professor's Smart Money Picks of the Week. Given enough time and/or the hiring of a quality TA, Mr. Heavyfoot will host the Pick 'em Corner weekly picks and standings.

10. The Professor's Smart Money Picks will be distinguished in bold (CAPS denotes home team).

Without further ado, sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and enjoy the lecture, for these are The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen.

INDIANA –35.5 Indiana State

The Professor cannot in good conscience start the season by picking Indiana to win a game by 36 points. That's ludicrous. IU edged the Sycamores 24-17 last season; Hoosier QB Tre Robinson is questionable at worst/rusty at best; ISU returns its top two offensive threats; and INDIANA SHOULD NEVER BE FAVORED TO WIN A GAME BY 35.5 POINTS. Also, those chrome and red candystriper helmets Indiana unveiled in the offseason is reason enough to pick against the Hooisers all season long (note: I probably won't pick against IU all season, but reserve the right to use those gawdawful helmets as reason to do so on a weekly basis).

MINNESOTA -14 UNLV

I'm taking my oldest son, Special K, to this game and he's fully on board with The Professor as a dyed-in-the-wool Gopher fan. What that means is he's set up for a lifetime of disappointment and heartache. But not Thursday night. Listen, UNLV is bad, really bad. Minnesota, meanwhile looks to be on the right side of mediocre and trending upward. When a slightly better than mediocre team meets a piss-poor team, 14 points is a given. Get used to getting let down, Special K. But not this week. Save it for week 4. Sigh.

SOUTH CAROLINA -12 North Carolina

There's not a doubt in The Professor's mind that South Carolina wins this game, but the Tarheels are sneaky. The Gamecocks return only five defensive starters, so even with Clowney, UNC will be able to move the ball. I've never trusted Spurrier's handling of his offense and QB(s), so I say North Carolina keeps this one close.

MICHIGAN STATE -27.5 Western Michigan

Sparty hasn't been able to pick a starter, backup, third string or fourth string quarterback this far into fall camp, so even though Michigan State is rightly favored in a big way, I don't have faith that the offense will be able to do anything consistently against the Broncos. Plus, I soured on MSU last season after repeatedly thinking they were going to figure it out. They never really did and I don't think the offseason made any difference for them.

NOTRE DAME -30 Temple

Schadenfreude pick here, so buyer beware. I'm still laughing from the enormous dump Notre Dame took in the BCS title game in January, so you know how I feel about the Fighting Irish. Plus, OWLS! 

OKLAHOMA STATE -12.5 Mississippi State (at Houston, Texas)

Mississippi State once employed Tim Brewster. Rationale for pick ... complete.

UVA –Pick (-0) - BYU

It's time for the season's first  Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game, brought to you by RO*TEL. I know why Steve Stellar included this game - it's a pick 'em - but it's Virginia vs. BYU. Yawn.

Alabama -19 Virginia Tech (at Atlanta, Ga.)

The Professor had a winning record in Roll! Tide! Turkey! Games last season, so there's no reason to believe 2013 will be any different.

Georgia -2 Clemson

Ever had the Tajh Boyd Chicken Quesadillas? They're delicious and against NCAA rules!

LSU -4 TCU (at Arlington, Texas)

I’ll take the team that doesn’t have a QB coming out of a substance abuse program for $100, Alex.

WASHINGTON -3.5 Boise State

I have absolutely no feel for this game, nor should I considering it’s the first week and I’m not exactly well-versed on Husky and Bronco football. Still, I like Washington here at home in a rematch of last season’s Las Vegas Bowl. 

WISCONSIN -44.5 UMass

We all know Bucky is going to win this one, but this spread is suspect. Sure, if Bert was still in charge, Wisconsin would run up the score on the Minutemen, going for two because “that’s what the card told me to do.” But this is a new era with the milquetoast Gary Andersen at the helm. I can’t believe that the BADgers will be running on full cylinders what with a new staff and no longer having a bro in charge. Also, Schadenfreude.

ILLINOIS -31.5 Southern Illinois

Everyone please give a warm welcome to the Tim Beckman Axiom. This mathematically-verified theorem states that games involving noted Tim Brewster impersonator Tim Beckman should never be picked in favor of Beckman’s squad. The only thing I know about Southern Illinois is Jerry Kill once coached there and I once worked with an intern who went to school at SIU … or was it WIU? … NIU? I don’t know and it doesn’t matter. As long as Tim Beckman is providing the Illini faithful with another season of unintentional comedy (Google Tim Beckman tobacco), don’t bet on Illinois.

OHIO STATE -35 Buffalo

Year in and year out, I’m scared away by huge spreads in games between a national championship contender and a completely overmatched opponent. Not this week. Ohio State is carrying the tattered, burned, vomited-on Big Ten banner this season, and nothing is going to get in their way from representing the B1G in Pasadena. You thought I was going to say “representing the B1G in the final BCS title game,” didn’t you? Silly, you. Nevertheless, Urban Meyer’s system of witchcraft is firmly in place in Columbus, so I expect a rout of the Buffalo Buffaloes in week 1.

CINCINNATI -10.5 Purdue

DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It's The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University! The number has already come down from 14 in favor of the Bearcats and it still seems too big for a #MACtion Conference USA Big East American Conference team vs. a B1G team. For the record, The Professor was 11-6 in locks last season, second only to the Corner Office Man.

MICHIGAN -31.5 Central Michigan

This pick goes out to 12-year-old cancer patient Grant Reed who named the brain tumor he is fighting “Michigan.” The Wolverines have been called a lot of things – with most having to do with a misplaced sense of arrogance for a program that hasn’t really won anything since 1997 – but being compared to a tumor is a new one. I credit young Grant for his preternatural ability to label Michigan what it really is – a cancer.

Penn State -8 Syracuse (East Rutherford, N.J.)

Stay far, far away from betting on this game as the linemakers are just throwing this number out there and hoping for the best. Neither team has named a starting QB, so your guess is as good as mine as to what teams performs better in week 1. I’m taking the Orange here for a couple reasons: 1) the number looks to be too big for a game with so many questions and 2) it’s always kind of funny to see how hard the Corner Office Man and Foreman’s Forecast take losses by their beloved Nits.

IOWA -3 Northern Illinois

Breathe it in. Let in linger in your nose. Enjoy the sweet undertones of Hawkeye tears. Now breathe it in deeply and let a wave of joy at the misfortune of others wash over you. This, my friends, is the feeling you’ll get on Saturday when Iowa opens its doomed 2013 season with a loss to a #MACtion team. It’s a feeling for which only the Germans could invent a word. It’s Schadenfreude and it’s a glorious thing for all those that laugh at the troubles of Kirk “Buyout the Size of Belgium’s GDP” Ferentz & Co.  Sorry, Mr. Money and the Host, but your beloved Hawkeyes won’t escape this game like they did last season. Jordan Lynch is a season better and the Husky offense is miles better than the joke of an offense that your squad trots out year in and year out. Sure, you have the Hebrew Hammer in Mark Weisman (I’m not sure he’s Jewish, but I’m running with it), but Northern Illinois is a battle-tested team that won’t be the least be intimidated by the Hawkeyes, nor should they. If it wasn’t already painfully obvious this is The Professor’s Schadenfreude Game of the Week, presented by Gasthof Zur Gemutlichkeit.

NEBRASKA -29 Wyoming

Nebraska is great at running the ball. Wyoming can’t stop the run. That’s all I’ve got.

Northwestern -5 CAL

I’ll drink the purple kool-aid that’s coming out of Evanston and buy that the Wildcats are a legit threat for Big Ten supremacy this season. Fitzgerald is a darn good coach that gets the most out of his players every week. Cal, meanwhile, is led by a guy named Sonny Dykes, a name that sounds like a retirement community in the Netherlands. While Northwestern always seems to play above expectations, the Golden Bears never seem to live up to theirs. This should be a fun game to watch with Cal’s wide-open offense and NU’s multi-faceted attack. Take the Cats.

Thus concludes The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen.

2012 Pick 'em Corner Final Standings (including bowls)
The Cornerman – 169-141-3 (13-4) – 195 pts (54.47%)
The Professor – 169-141-3 (11-6) – 191 pts (54.47%)
Lockrem’s Locks – 167-140-3 (10-7-1) - 187 pts 54.35%
KCKCK – 166-144-3 (9-8) – 184 pts (53.51%)
Steve Stellar – 167-143-3 (8-9) – 183 pts (53.83%)
The Host – 160-150-3 (7-10) – 174 pts (51.59%)
Wick to Click – 149-161-3 (9-7) – 167 pts (48.08%)
Jeff Leach – 142-132-2 (4-6) – 150 pts (51.81%)
C-Noth – 136-140-2 (6-7) – 148 pts (49.28%)
Special G – 144-146-3 (4-12) – 152 pts (49.65%)
Strickly Cash – 128-144-2 (6-9) – 140 pts (46.40%)
The Veteran – 128-140-3 (4-11) – 136 pts (47.78%)
Mrs. Money –122-132-2 (6-6) – 134 pts (48.04%)
Money Traen – 95-103-2 (4-6) – 103 pts (45.71%)
LFK – 6-12 (no lock ) 6 pts (33.33%)

 

2011 Pick 'Em Corner Final Standings - Total Points (not including bowls)
1. C-Noth 156-100-4 (176, 10-3)
2. Wick to Click 148-128-4 (170, 11-2)
3. Strickly Cash 145-131-4 (165, 10-4)
4. Steve Stellar 144-132-4 (162, 9-5)
5. Special G 139-128-4 (155, 8-6)
6. The Professor 137-139-4 (153, 8-6)
7. The Host 133-143-4 (151, 9-5)
8. The Veteran 134-121-3 (146, 6-6)
9. The Cornerman 137-139-4 (145, 4-10)
10. KCKCKCK 123-112-4 (133, 5-6-1)
11. Miss Money 122-115-2 (132, 5-7)
12. Money Traen 112-86-3 (120, 4-6)
13. Lockrem’s Locks 55-56-1 (61, 3-1)
14. LFK 38-39-2 (42, 2-1)