Pick 'em Corner - The Professor's Week 12 Smart Money Picks
Being
a Gopher football fan is like being a fan of a mediocre trapeze artist. Good
things could happen, but mostly
you just hope he survives.
I
go to the circus multiple times each fall, gazing to the upper reaches of the
big top, looking for my favorite performer on the high wire. And there he is,
so full of promise, so sure that he's going to wow the crowd with a flawless
performance. He's been training for this circus season for the better part of
nine months and he believes that this is the year he turns the corner from
being merely mediocre to borderline elite.
Likewise,
I believe. I believe that this is the season he rewards his fans with a year of
amazing performances on the high wire. I believe that, for all the times he has
let me down with a sub-par showing, it's this year that he puts it all together
and reaches the potential that I know he possesses.
I
have been cheering for this particular trapeze artist for well over a decade
and, at the very least, he never fails to entertain. He has entertained me with
spectacular feats of success and he has entertained me with mind-blowing acts
of failure. He's never been killed, but has come perilously close. He's been
put on life support, only to come back the next week and give a plucky effort.
Sure,
there are better acts at this particular circus, one of the better traveling
circuses in the nation. Acts that year in and year out, week in and week out,
amaze the crowd with their superlative abilities in acrobatics, gymnastics and
contortion. Some of these performers are rewarded each season with invitations
to join Cirque du Soleil and other premier circus destinations. These
performers have huge followings, both locally and on the national circus stage.
Though impressed by these acts and respectful of their abilities, I feel no
connection to these performers.
A
handful of times each season, my favorite trapeze artist will give me reason
for hope. He'll put forth a complete performance on the high wire and leave the
big top to cheers and applause. "This is the year," I say as I head
home.
More
times than not, however, I leave the circus disappointed. Sure, I had a good
time, cheering on my favorite trapeze artist, but he just didn't give me enough
to be truly pleased about the performance. I walk out of the big top,
astonished by the way that he managed to find yet another new and creative way
of spoiling an otherwise promising performance.
And
yet, I'll be back. Next week, I'll come back to the circus, hoping that the
odds will be in my and the trapeze artist's favor. And if he puts forth another
mediocre showing, I'll be mildly upset, but I'll still believe that this is the
right circus act to cheer for.
And
if another season goes by without my favorite high wire act reaching his
untapped potential, I'll vow to return next season. I'll tell myself that the
trapeze artist is improving. His falls, though still somewhat frequent, are
less disastrous. His performances are starting to show signs of making the leap
from mediocre to above average.
I'll
keep coming back to the circus, cheering on my favorite trapeze artist. Sure,
he's liable to fall a time or two, but when he soars through the air and
completes a flawless performance, I'll be able to say that I was his fan when
he was still afraid of heights.
The Professor penned the above
essay about a year ago in an attempt to encapsulate what it’s like to be a Gopher football fan. It
seems timely now that the world of a Gopher football fan has changed.
Jerry Kill & his merry band of
Golden Gophers have gone on the program’s first four-game Big Ten winning
streak since before The Professor was born and now I don’t know how to feel. For
decades, the above essay applied. Now, The Professor is not so sure.
Likewise, for years The Professor
has been among the elite in Pick ‘em Corner, finishing at or near the top of
the standings for the nation’s premier college football handicapping program.
This season, The Professor is in 10th place, clinging to a .500
record.
The Professor’s 2013 Pick ‘Em
Corner season should feel like The Governor’s Victory Bell at TCF Bank Stadium
last Saturday:
Instead, it feels like this:
Like Jerry Kill, The Professor is dancing
and singing his way through the season, not because of superlative Pick ‘em
Corner performances, but because of the inspirational, motivational campaign
that The Professor’s beloved Golden Gophers have provided fans of the Maroon
and Gold everywhere.
Sit up straight, sharpen your
pencils and enjoy the lecture, for these are The Professor’s Smart Money Picks,
brought to you by The City of Chanhassen. Bet Smart ®
UCF
-16.5 TEMPLE (East Coast Bias Game)
It’s
the Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care
About This Game? Game (DAOtLotTTIACATG?G), brought to you by Casa de Autos. The
Professor hates East Coast Bias, so he’s taking the less “East Coast” team in
this one. Go Fighting Seeleys!
Central
Michigan -3 WESTERN MICHIGAN (MACtion Game
of the Week, sponsored by Kraft Macaroni & Cheese)
It’s
not every week we get two members of the Michigan Directional School
Triumvirate (look it up, Mrs. Money) in the same game. Well, OK, we had it last
week with Western vs. Eastern, but I digress. I’ll take the NCAA-endorsed
hostile and abusive nicknames (Chippewas) over the team in brown jerseys.
NAVY
-7.5 South Alabama (Service Academy Game of the Week, brought to you by the
Armed Forces Network)
South
Alabama is second-to-last in the Sun Belt which sounds like something Ru Paul
would wear. Anchors aweigh!
KANSAS
STATE -10.5 TCU
Kudos
to Jerry Kill and Norwood Teague on scheduling TCU when they suck. It took
everything the Frogs had to scrape out a win at Iowa State last week. They won’t
have anything left in the tank against KSU. Take the Cats and the old man
coach. In fact, DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK!
EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It’s The
Professor’s Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National
American University!
Miami
-3 DUKE
Duke
thinks they can win, which means they absolutely cannot. You can’t have nice
things, Duke football.
Oklahoma State -3 TEXAS
Chalk
this one up to “The Professor would love
for ESPN College GameDay to make its first-ever appearance to Minneapolis and
already have sign ideas that involve Tim Brewster, Bucky and jorts, so I’m
cheering for teams to lose this week that might be involved in a better game
next week which GameDay would go to ahead of the Gopher-BADger game.” Thus ends
the longest run-on sentence in Pick ‘em Corner history. Go Horns.
AUBURN
-3.5 Georgia
I’ve
got nothing here other than to suggest a battle between these two teams’ living
mascots – War Eagle and UGA. How entertaining would that be? I like War Eagle because
AIR SUPERIORITY.
FLORIDA STATE -37.5 Syracuse
The
fact that the Orange can run the ball is the only reason the Noles won’t win
this one by 40.
OREGON
-27 Utah
The
NCAA-endorsed hostile and abusive nicknamed Utah Utes play a similar physical style
to Stanford, but Oregon is angry. Ever encounter an angry duck? It’s scary.
BAYLOR -26.5 Texas Tech
See
Oklahoma State vs. Texas.
LOUISVILLE -15.5 Houston
Like
Lockrem’s Locks late on a Saturday night at a sleepy Brookings, SD McDonalds, I
like the Cougars.
SOUTH
CAROLINA -13.5 Florida
Florida
is a gongshow right now.
Alabama
-25.5 MISSISSIPPI STATE (Roll Tide Turkey Game)
Not
one team has come within 21 points of the Turkey since the 49-42 win over
Manziel & Co. on Sept. 14. Expect that trend to continue. Also, MSU is the
crappier of the too Mississippi schools, so there’s that.
Stanford
-4 USC
Nerds
are way too smart to have a letdown after a big win over Oregon. NERDS!!!
ARIZONA STATE -14 Oregon State
Beaver
One, Beaver All,
Lets all do the Beaver call,
(Make Beaver Teeth with your hands in front of your mouth) while singing Nyuck, Nyuck, Nyuck, Nyuck,Nyuck, Nyuck
Beaver 2 ,Beaver 3,Lets all do the Beaver call,
(Make Beaver Teeth with your hands in front of your mouth) while singing Nyuck, Nyuck, Nyuck, Nyuck,Nyuck, Nyuck
Lets all climb the Beaver tree, (Imitate Climbing a tree)
while singing Nyuck, Nyuck, Nyuck, Nyuck,Nyuck, Nyuck
Beaver 4, Beaver 5,
Lets all do the Beaver Jive, (Do a hand jive in coordination with your "Nyucks") while singing Nyuck, Nyuck, Nyuck, Nyuck,Nyuck, Nyuck
Beaver Six, Beaver Seven,
Lets all go to Beaver Heaven, (Flap your arms like little Beaver Angel wings and float around)
while singing Nyuck, Nyuck, Nyuck, Nyuck,Nyuck, Nyuck
Beaver Eight, Beaver Nine
Stop!! Its BEAVER TIME!!!
PENN
STATE -21.5 Purdue
Purdue
is not a good American football team.
WISCONSIN -23.5 Indiana
I’m
going against my picks in the OSU-Texas and Baylor-TTU games here for one
reason: SCHADENFREUDE.
Ohio
State -32 ILLINOIS (Tim Brewster Game
of the Week)
The
Professor misapplied the Tim Beckman Axiom and was punished for his transgression.
Not this week.
Michigan State -6.5 NEBRASKA
No
one circles the wagons better than the Pelini family. No one.
NORTHWESTERN -3 Michigan
The way these two teams are going
right now, I wouldn’t be surprised if a bus vs. train crash prevented Michigan from
making it to the game and the entire Northwestern team gets infected with MRSA.
2013 Pick ‘em Corner
Standings (locks in parentheses)
1. Money Traen - 114-101-5 (9-2) –
132 pts
2. Steve Stellar – 122-94-5 (4-7)
– 130 pts
2. Wick to Click – 112-104-5 (9-2)
– 130 pts
4. C-Noth - 115-101-5 (7-4) – 129
pts
5. Strickly Cash 118-98-5 (5-5-1)
– 128 pts
6. KCKCKCK – 113-102-5 (6-5) – 125
pts
7. The Cornerman 116-100-5 (4-6) –
124 pts
8. Mrs. Money – 106-108-4 (8-3) –
122 pts
9. The Veteran 108-108-5 (6-5) –
120 pts
10. The Professor – 108-108-5 (5-6) – 118 pts
11. Big-Game Bob – 104-108-4 (5-6)
– 114 pts
12. Mr. Money - 101-112-5 (6-5) –
113 pts
12. Larry the Cash Guy – 103-113-5
(5-6) – 113 pts
14. Lockrem’s Locks - 98-99-3
(7-3) – 112 pts
15. The Host - 88-108-5 (5-5) – 98
pts
16. Your Picks Ain’t Schmidt –
82-94-5 (5-4) – 92 pts
17. Do You See What I Seehusen -
47-54 (1-3) – 49 pts
18. The Line
Adjuster – 3-1 (0-0) – 3 pts
19.
Foreman’s Forecast – 0-0 (0-0) – 0 pts
19.
auto-MATT-ic – 0-0 (0-0) – 0 pts
The Professor
in 2013 Pick 'Em Corner
Overall
record: 108-108-5 (.500)
Statistically-Proven
Locks: 5-6 (.455)
Games
involving Big Ten teams: 37-53-1 (.412)
Games not
involving Big Ten teams: 71-55-4 (.562)
Minnesota
games: 3-7 (.300)
Schadenfreude
Games (Wisconsin, Iowa, Notre Dame): 9-18-1 (.339)
Service
Academy Games: 5-7 (.417)
Does Anybody
Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game?
Games: 6-5 (.545)
Roll Tide
Turkey Games: 3-5 (.375)
Tim Beckman
Axiom Games: 3-6 (.333)
