Pick 'em Corner: The Professor's Week 15/16 Smart Money Picks

GO ARMY! BEAT NAVY!

Sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and enjoy the lecture, for these are The Professor’s Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen. Bet Smart ®

Louisville -3.5 CINCINNATI

The Professor took the Cards and won! 1-0, bitches.

Northern Illinois -3 Bowling Green (at Detroit, Mich.)
The Huskies face a stiff test in the Falcons here, but NIU has far more to play for here than the team in orange and brown. Win and the Huskies are likely in a BCS bowl. Lose and they’re in Detroit or something. A win or a loss for the Falcons still pretty much means the same thing – a bowl game in a warm location on a weekday afternoon before Christmas televised on TBS or Court TV. Husky Women [clap, clap, clap, clap, clap]!

RICE -4.5 Marshall

When Vegas (or Steve Stellar, in this case) screw up a spread, you don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Go on take the money and run. Oo, oo, oo. In fact, DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It’s The Professor’s Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University!

OKLAHOMA STATE -10 Oklahoma

The Pokes are dominant at home, while Oklahoma employs a pig farmer from Nowheresville, Minn.

UCF -7 SMU (at SMU)

What gives on this spread? I know a letdown may be in store for the Fighting Seeleys with last week’s win over Louisville and a BCS bowl locked up, but SMU is 5-6 and fresh off a 34-0 shutout at the hands of Houston. Meanwhile, save for a three-point loss to South Carolina, UCF is this season’s Boise State. Take the Knights.

Memphis -1 UCONN

It’s the Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game (DAOtLotTTIACATG?G), brought to you by Casa de Autos.  Memphis lost by 20 to Temple; UConn beat the Owls by seven. Husky Women [clap, clap, clap, clap, clap]!

 

BAYLOR -13.5 Texas

The Bears have been a mess the last two weeks on defense, so I think the Horns hang around and keep this one close.

Auburn -1.5 Missouri (at Atlanta, Ga.)

Dear Mrs. Money,

Congrats on your above average 2013 season and your ability to flip a coin and have it come up with a winner in Pick ‘em Corner. Kudos to you. For this game, here’s a simple quiz. What is wrong with The Professor’s analysis when he says, “I like the Tigers in this one.”

Warmest Regards,

The Professor

RUTGERS -6 South Florida

The State University of New Jersey lost to freaking UConn last week, so yeah, the Scarlet Knights will fit in great in the B1G. YOU SUCK DELANY. 

 ARIZONA STATE -3 Stanford (at Tempe, Ariz.)

Stanford loses but its students leave Tempe yelling, “That’s alright, that’s OK, you’ll all work for us someday!” And they’re correct. NERDS!!!

Florida State -29 Duke (Charlotte, N.C.)

Is this the first half spread?

Ohio State -5.5 Michigan State (Indianapolis, Ind.)

The Professor was left unimpressed by Sparty last week against the Gophers, but you have to excuse Michigan State for looking ahead to the B1G title game. The Buckeye D has been average at best the last three games, so the mediocre MSU offense will move the ball enough to keep Miller et al off the field. Michigan State’s defense is the real deal (despite the so-so showing against Goldy), so expect Sparty to keep this one close. Ohio State wins with a field goal to end the game and limp into the NCG where Brutus will get trampled by Osceola and Renegade.

 

FRESNO STATE -4 Utah State

Don’t know. Don’t care.

Navy -9 Army (Philadelphia, Pa.)

Army’s motto is the iconic “Duty, Honor, Country.” Navy’s motto is “Ex Scientia Tridens” which translated means “I’m on a boat.”

ADVANTAGE: ARMY

Army’s mascot is a mule. Navy’s mascot is a goat. Both underwhelming, I know. But children know the mule is far superior: http://youtu.be/HvM3eKMsF50

ADVANTAGE: ARMY

The Army has its own soldiers do their fighting. The Navy politely asks the Marines to fight on their behalf.

ADVANTAGE: ARMY

Army soldiers have been awarded the Medal of Honor 2,420 times. Navy sailors and Marines … 1,046.

ADVANTAGE: ARMY

Two Army grads – Ulysses S. Grant and Dwight Eisenhower – became President of the United States. One Navy grad became President … and it was Jimmy Carter.

ADVANTAGE: ARMY

Most famous Army grads: MacArthur, Patton, Bradley, Eisenhower, Pershing, Sherman, Custer, Lee, Grant, Schwarzkopf. Most famous Navy grads: Jimmy Carter, John McCain, Oliver North, Ross Perot, Montel Williams.

ADVANTAGE: ARMY

Famous Army pop song: “These Colors Don’t Run” by Iron Maiden. Famous Navy song: “In the Navy”  by the Village People.

ADVANTAGE: ARMY

The choice is clear … GO ARMY! BEAT NAVY!

Pick 'em Corner: The Professor's Week 14 Smart Money Picks

The Evil Red Menace from the East killed our buzz at TCF Bank Stadium last week, so here’s a sad puppy.

Let’s forget about last week’s game and move on, shall we? Wait, first kudos to the game operations staff for this:

And this:

Moving on. The Professor put little effort into last week’s picks and was rewarded with a winning record. In the immortal words of Homer Simpson, “Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.”

http://youtu.be/nhjGoaKf52s

Finally, on this Thanksgiving, don’t forget to give thanks for the nation’s, nay, world’s premier college football gambling/handicapping/prognostication program – Pick ‘em Corner. And thanks to you, The Professor’s Pupils and the entire Pick ‘em Corner community, for your support of The Professor’s Smart Money Picks. I couldn’t do it without you. Well, I could, but then only my parents would be reading this drivel (which is probably the case already).

Sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and enjoy the lecture, for these are The Professor’s Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen. Bet Smart ®

Ole Miss -7 MISSISSIPPI STATE (Tim Brewster Game of the Week)
It’s the Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game (DAOtLotTTIACATG?G), brought to you by Casa de Autos. The Brew Crew didn’t work at Ole Miss, so Hotty Toddy.

 LSU -24.5 Arkansas
#Karma

Fresno State -8.5 SAN JOSE STATE

I can’t believe I’m doing this for a Mountain West or WAC or Big West game, but I am. DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It’s The Professor’s Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University! The Bulldogs are still undefeated and put up points in bunches. The Spartans aren’t and don’t.

WASHINGTON -14.5 Washington State
Seattle >>>> Pullman

Miami -2.5 PITTSBURGH

This is the kind of game Miami sleepwalks through, but I just can’t believe a mediocre Pitt team can stay within 3 points of a talented, yet schizophrenic Hurricanes squad.

OREGON -21.5 Oregon State

Well, the Ducks have gone south, haven’t they? I’ll let myself out. 

NEBRASKA -3 Iowa

I’ve got nothing here aside from a healthy case of Schadenfreude, so I’ll use this game as an excuse to post this again:

Florida State -31.5 FLORIDA

Something is fishy here. Methinks the spread should be in the 40s after the Gators lost last week to a directional Georgia school, while the Noles put up 80 on an actual state in Idaho.

NORTH CAROLINA -5 Duke

Royal blue > baby blue

Kansas State -16 KANSAS

Elderly head coach > morbidly obese head coach

Virginia Tech -13 VIRGINIA (East Coast Bias Game)

Sung in the old Yahoo jingle: “Wa-hooooooo-ooo-ooo!”

http://youtu.be/Fm5FE0x9eY0

Baylor -13 TCU

Baylor haz a sad but TCU is a mess. Take the Baylor Tarp.

Georgia -3 GEORGIA TECH

[insert something about the difficulty of defending the triple option here]

Alabama -10.5 AUBURN (Roll Tide Turkey Game of the Week)

Nick Saban is playing chess while the rest of us play checkers. And we’re not good at checkers. Roll! Tide! Turkey!

SOUTH CAROLINA -5.5 Clemson

I’m taking Clemson here solely because I loathe those douchebags that wear those hats with the word COCKS on em because they say COCKS and that’s so hilarious/edgy.

STANFORD -14 Notre Dame

Little known fact: Rudy was indicted for securities fraud. I hate Rudy and I hate Notre Dame. NERDS!

MISSOURI -4.5 Texas A&M

Dear Mrs. Money,

Identify the mistake in the following sentence about this game: “This is a classic Big 12 match-up pitting the one-loss Tigers against the disappointing Aggies.” Good luck.

Signed,

The Professor

USC -3.5 UCLA

Ok, fine, I’ll jump on the Coach O bandwagon … probably just in time for him to regress to his time coaching in the SEC.

ARIZONA STATE -12 Arizona

The Professor still has a soft spot in his heart the maroon-and-gold clad Sun Devils, thanks to their hilarious Schadenfreude win over Bucky earlier this season. DEVILS!!!

HAWAI’I -6.5 Army (Service Academy Game of the Week)

Island warfare is more of the Marines’ business, but picking Hawaii here is a vote against liberty, justice and the American way. ON BRAVE OLD ARMY TEAM!

MICHIGAN STATE -14.5 Minnesota
It’s just far easier to cheer for Jerry Kill than Mark Dantonio, isn’t it?

Ohio State -14.5 MICHIGAN

The Wolverines are a disaster and OSU is still aiming for a shot at the national title. Brutus gets brutal on Michigan in the Big House. Brady Hoke eats three full chocolate cakes to console himself.

Northwestern -3.5 ILLINOIS

The Tim Beckman Axiom actually worked last week, so I’m testing the hypothesis again. Go Cats.

WISCONSIN -24 Penn State

The Gophers gave the blueprint for how to beat Wisconsin – stop the run, force mediocre QB Stave to pass, don’t turn the ball over, make some big plays on offense. Unfortunately, Minnesota only met criteria 1 and 2. Look for Penn State to use that formula to better results this week. Also, I hate Wisconsin with a passion usually reserved for terrorists and pickles.

INDIANA -21 Purdue

Apparently, the Hoosiers forgot that they have a good offense. Purdue is a bad American football team, but they gained some confidence against an OK offense last week in Illinois. Expect IU to win because Purdue will do Purdue things, but it will be closer than the experts think.

 2013 Pick ‘em Corner Standings (locks in parentheses)

1. Steve Stellar – 139-116-6 (5-8) – 149 pts

1. Wick to Click – 131-124-6 (9-4) – 149 pts

3. KCKCKCK – 134-123-6 (7-6) – 148 pts

3. Money Traen - 130-124-6 (9-4) – 148 pts

5. Strickly Cash 137-118-6 (5-7-1) – 147 pts

6. C-Noth - 130-125-6 (7-5-1) – 144 pts

7. Mrs. Money – 123-130-5 (10-3) – 143 pts

8. The Cornerman 132-123-6 (5-7) – 142 pts

9. The Veteran 126-129-6 (7-6) – 140 pts

10. Mr. Money - 124-128-6 (7-6) – 138 pts

11. The Professor – 125-130-6 (6-7) – 137 pts

12. Big-Game Bob – 121-130-5 (6-7) – 133 pts

12. Larry the Cash Guy – 121-134-6 (6-7) – 133 pts

14. Lockrem’s Locks - 113-123-4 (9-3) – 131 pts

15. Your Picks Ain’t Schmidt – 99-116-6 (6-5) – 111 pts

16. The Host - 100-115-6 (5-5) – 110 pts

17. Do You See What I Seehusen - 47-54 (1-3) – 49 pts

18. The Line Adjuster – 3-1 (0-0) – 3 pts

19. Foreman’s Forecast – 0-0 (0-0) – 0 pts

19. auto-MATT-ic – 0-0 (0-0) – 0 pts

The Professor in 2013 Pick 'Em Corner

Overall record: 125-130-5 (.490)

Statistically-Proven Locks: 6-7 (.462)

Games involving Big Ten teams: 42-59-1 (.417)

Games not involving Big Ten teams: 83-71-4 (.538)

Minnesota games: 3-8 (.273)

Schadenfreude Games (Wisconsin, Iowa, Notre Dame): 10-21-1 (.328)

Service Academy Games: 6-7 (.462)

Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Games: 7-6 (.538)

Roll Tide Turkey Games: 3-6 (.333)

Tim Beckman Axiom Games: 4-7 (.364)