Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 11 Smart Money Picks

You might think The Professor would be depressed with his out-of-character 10^th place standing in Pick ‘em Corner, but you couldn’t be more wrong. In the immortal paraphrased words of the Geto Boys, “Damn, it feels good to be a Gopher.” The football team has won three straight, all in upset fashion; the men’s hockey team is No. 1 in all the land; the women’s hockey team hasn’t lost in 60 games; volleyball is good; men’s basketball will be entertaining; and Goldy is the best mascot the world has ever known. Video proof: 

You’re already aware of The Professor’s Week 11 Smart Money Picks as you surely tuned into the live broadcast of Pick ‘em Corner last night from Eat Shop in beautiful Plymouth, Minn. But, if by some crazy chance you missed the program, The Professor is here to enlighten you with his take on this week’s slate of games. Also, the rebroadcast of Pick ‘em Corner will air at 3 am Sunday morning on Victory Sports 1.

Sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and enjoy the lecture, for these are The Professor’s Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen. Bet Smart ®

Oregon -10.5 STANFORD

In preparation for this game, I spoke with legendary hockey coach Gordon Bombay. He’s a great duck mind. He said, and I quote, “Have you guys ever seen a flock of ducks flying in perfect formation? It's beautiful. Pretty awesome the way they all stick together. Ducks never say die. Ever seen a duck fight? No way. Why? Because the other animals are afraid. They know that if they mess with one duck, they gotta deal with the whole flock.” Look for Oregon to use the Flying V formation tonight. It’s indefensible. Take that, nerds. QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK!

BAYLOR -14 Oklahoma

The numbers Baylor is putting up this season are ridiculous. First in scoring, first in passing, first in passing efficiency, sixth in points against, seventh in rushing. Oklahoma, meanwhile, lost to Texas and employs a guy in their athletic department who even Minnesota deemed unhireable. I’ll take the Bears.

Florida State -35 WAKE FOREST 

Despite something called the Demon Deacons’ nearly upsetting Miami a couple weeks ago, I’m still not convinced Wake Forest has a football team. Has anyone actually ever seen them? Do they really exist? Or are they just a fabrication of Las Vegas bookmakers in need of a large spread? We may never know. Take the, Fighting Brewsters! Speaking of the Fighting Brewsters, a side note to this game is the major distraction it must be for the Noles to hear that their beloved tight ends coach has been mentioned as a possible candidate for the FAU head coaching job. Can FSU overcome such potentially devastating news? Stay tuned.

 

 

Auburn -7.5 TENNESSEE

Look for the Vols to look past Auburn to season-ending match-ups with Vanderbilt and Kentucky in order to get bowl eligible. As an aside, what the heck has happened to Rocky Top? A once proud program is now looking to games against a school with smart kids and a basketball school just to get bowl eligible. It’s a cautionary tale. See what hiring Lane Kiffin does to a program. The Professor yearns for the Vikings to hire Bloomington’s own. Please make it so, Zygi and Co.

 

Western Kentucky -6 ARMY (Service Academy Game)

The Hilltoppers are going for the de facto Commander in Chief Trophy in this one after an earlier 19-7 win over Navy, but NOT SO FAST MY FRIENDS. WKU has trouble stopping the run and that’s what the Army does: Attack on the ground. On brave ol’ Army team!

TEXAS TECH -2.5 Kansas State

The Red Raiders were exposed for the frauds that they are last week. Meanwhile Bill Snyder is old, very old, while Kliff Kingsbury is handsome. Age over beauty, I always say. Go Cats.

Western Michigan -3 EASTERN MICHIGAN (MACtion Game of the Week)

It’s the Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game (DAOtLotTTIACATG?G), brought to you by Casa de Autos. This is absolutely the perfect match-up for the DAOtLotTTIACATG?G. Two teams, in the same state, separated by 110 miles, with virtually no one aware that the game is even being played. Nice pick, Stellar.

MARYLAND -6.5 Syracuse

This is just too many points to give a Syracuse team that … oh, who am I kidding … this game sucks. Hate you, East Coast Bias.

Texas -7 WEST VIRGINIA (Tim Brewster Game of the Week)

I like the Big East in this one. I guarantee 30 percent of the Pick ‘em Corner panel (looking at you, Mrs. Money) cannot find the inaccuracy in that statement.

MIAMI (FLA.) -7 Virginia Tech

Hokie QB Logan Thomas has turned the ball over eight times in the last two games. That’s not good. Look for the Canes to rally after an embarrassing loss to Florida State last week, while Virginia Tech continues to slide after losing to Duke.

UCF -10.5 Houston

Like KCKCKCK late on a Friday night at a seedy Chicago nightclub, I like the Cougars.

ALABAMA -11 LSU (Roll Tide Turkey Game of the Week)

The Tigers have gone 12-9 in Tuscaloosa since 1970 and won the last time these two met in Alabama, so I like LSU to keep this one close. Also, I like tigers. They’re pretty.

Notre Dame -5 PITTSBURGH

Purely a Schadenfreude pick here as The Professor has thrown in the towel for this season of Pick ‘em Corner. Also, Panthers are stealthy by nature. You never see ‘em coming until they’re leaping for your jugular. Notre Dame won’t know what hit ‘em.

UCLA -1 ARIZONA

The word Bruins reminds me of breweries of which I am a fan. Go Bruins.

Fresno State -10 WYOMING

Dear Fresno State, congratulations on your undefeated record. That’s nothing to laugh at. What we are laughing at is your schedule. Still, you’re 10 points better than a team that lost to San Jose State last week.

MINNESOTA -2.5 Penn State

You proved me wrong last week, Goldy. And the week before that. And the week before that. Do it again. I quadruple-dog dare you.

 Iowa -14.5 PURDUE

DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It’s The Professor’s Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University! Purdue is not a good American football team. My apologies to Gasthof zur Gemutlichkeit and Schadenfreude fans everywhere, but Purdue is awful on a biblical scale. Awful on a Tim Brewsterian scale. Awful on a Jedd Fisch offense scale. Awful on a The Host as a tennis player scale. Need I say more?

MICHIGAN -7 Nebraska

After dealing with the Michigan State D last week, the Wolverines will feel like they’re playing a high school defense in Nebraska in this one. Meanwhile, it’s been a mixed bag of a week for the Pelini family with Bo’s Hail Mary win over Northwestern and the “I resign because I did drugs … wait, no I don’t resign because you can’t prove anything” fiasco that brother Carl has put forth at FAU.

WISCONSIN -7.5 BYU

When you have a chance to pick a fanbase chock full of Mormons over a bunch of cheese-eating, Old Milwaukee-swilling fans from the nation’s fattest state, you do just that. Also, Schadenfreude.

INDIANA -10 Illinois

The Hoosiers will win this game by a touchdown on a successfully-completed backward pass. Mark it down.

Thus concludes The Professor’s Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen. Bet smart ®.

 2013 Pick ‘em Corner Standings (locks in parentheses)

1. Wick to Click – 102-95-4 (9-1) – 120 pts

1. C-Noth - 106-91-4 (7-3) – 120 pts

3. Money Traen - 103-93-4 (8-2) – 119 pts

4. Steve Stellar – 112-85-4 (3-7) – 118 pts

5. KCKCKCK – 106-90-4 (5-5) – 116 pts

6. Strickly Cash 106-91-4 (4-5-1) – 114 pts

7. Mrs. Money – 97-98-3 (8-2) – 113 pts

8. The Cornerman 106-91-4 (3-6) – 112 pts

9. The Veteran 99-98-4 (5-5) – 109 pts

10. The Professor – 97-100-4 (4-6) – 105 pts

11. Mr. Money - 94-100-4 (5-5) – 104 pts

12. Larry the Cash Guy– 93-104-4 (5-5) – 103 pts

13, Big-Game Bob – 94-99-4 (4-6) – 102 pts

14. Lockrem’s Locks - 87-91-2 (6-3) – 99 pts

15. The Host - 81-96-4 (5-4) – 91 pts

16. Your Picks Ain’t Schmidt – 73-84-4 (4-4) – 81 pts

17. Do You See What I Seehusen - 47-54 (1-3) – 49 pts

18. The Line Adjuster – 3-1 (0-0) – 3 pts

19. Foreman’s Forecast – 0-0 (0-0) – 0 pts

19. auto-MATT-ic – 0-0 (0-0) – 0 pts

The Professor in 2013 Pick 'Em Corner

Overall record: 97-100-4 (.493)

Statistically-Proven Locks: 4-6 (.400)

Games involving Big Ten teams: 36-49-1 (.424)

Games not involving Big Ten teams: 61-51-3 (.543)

Minnesota games: 3-6 (.333)

Schadenfreude Games (Wisconsin, Iowa, Notre Dame): 7-17-1 (.300)

Service Academy Games: 4-7 (.364)

Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Games: 6-4 (.600)

Roll Tide Turkey Games: 3-4 (.429)

Tim Beckman Axiom Games: 3-5 (.375)

Pick 'em Corner - The Professor's Week 10 Smart Money Picks

The Professor is barely hanging onto a top 10 spot in the Pick ‘em Corner standings and doesn’t care. In fact, allow me to let Winnie the Pooh (what's a Pooh, by the way?) tell you how The Professor feels about this:

Why is The Professor not caring about his dreadful Pick ‘em Corner performance through nine weeks of the season? Easy, the Gopher football team is in the midst of its best two-game stretch in at least a decade. So, how does The Professor feel after upset wins over Northwestern and Nebraska. Take it away, dancing zebra …

Sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and enjoy the lecture, for these are The Professor’s Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen. Bet Smart ®

Northern Illinois -23.5 UMASS (MAC GAME OF THE WEEK)

UMass couldn’t stay within 29 points of Buffalo and Northern Illinois has scored 35 or more in six of its eight games. Also, the Jerry Kill Inspiration Factor plays a role for the Huskies, even though he left DeKalb or wherever the heck NIU is three years ago.

AIR FORCE – pick – Army (Service Academy Game)

This game will be over in about an hour and a half with all the running these two squads do, so don’t miss it. In another of The Professor’s favorite games of the season – one pitting two of his beloved service academies – take the team with the players that have the guts to put themselves in harm’s way in defense of their country. Hint: It’s not the Chair Force. ON BRAVE OLD ARMY TEAM!

San Jose State -3.5 UNLV (Gopher Common Opponent Game)

It’s the Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game (DAOtLotTTIACATG?G), brought to you by Casa de Autos. Don’t Fales me now, Trojans. (sorry)

SOUTH CAROLINA -12 Mississippi State (Tim Brewster Game of the Week)

If South Carolina is on the road, it’s upset alert city. But it’s not, so it’s not. Also, to the old-timer fan at TCF Bank Stadium that still wasn’t sold that Jerry Kill & Co. wasn’t a major upgrade over Basement Brew until last week …

KANSAS STATE -16.5 Iowa State

I’m going against my family’s wishes and picking against The Professor’s father’s alma mater for one simple reason. Kansas State can pass the ball and Iowa State cannot stop said passed balls.

Clemson -17 VIRGINIA

You can’t be the worst team in a mediocre league and expect to stay within 17 of one of the best teams in a mediocre league. Charlottesville’s own Dave Matthews Band can drink to that:

Georgia -2.5 Florida

I had lunch with my son Kieran’s Kindergarten class today, and one of Kieran’s friends was wearing a Gators hoodie. He was the biggest kid in his class. Thus ends my rationale for picking Florida here.

NOTRE DAME -17 Navy

You have to love the combo Schadenfreude/Service Academy game, don’t you? WELL I DO. There’s just so much to love about Navy (namely AMERICA) and so much to hate about Notre Dame (not the least of which are their garish shiny gold helmets that have infiltrated their equally-loathed hockey team). Unless you’re a card-carrying Catholic or from northern Indiana (I’m neither), you have no business cheering for the Irish.

Auburn -8 ARKANSAS

In the immortal words of that paramedic from “There’s Something About Mary,” WE GOT A BLEEDER. He was talking about Bert’s Arkansas team. Also, this:

MISSOURI -10.5 Tennessee

I like the Big 12 in this one. I guarantee 30 percent of the Pick ‘em Corner panel (looking at you, Mrs. Money) cannot find the inaccuracy in that statement.

TEXAS TECH -2.5 Oklahoma State

I read something about Oklahoma State coeds having intimate relations with prospective Cowboy football players and it shocked and appalled me. SHOCKED! APPALLED! I cannot in good conscience support a program that would stand for such a thing.

FLORIDA STATE -22 Miami (Fla.)

What Stellar said.

TEXAS A&M -45.5 UTEP

I’m taking UTEP only because I think it’s the first and only time UTEP has been included in Pick ‘em Corner. Also, it’s kinda fun to say UTEP. Try it. See? UTEP. UTEP. UTEP. (It’s pronounced YOU-TEP, Mrs. Money)

FRESNO STATE -20.5 Nevada

DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It’s The Professor’s Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University! The Bulldogs are 7^th in the nation in points, while the Wolfpack (that’s correct, isn’t it?) is 111^th in points against.

PENN STATE -10 Illinois

After three straight ugly losses, it’s time to retire the Bizarro Tim Beckman Axiom and go back to the original hypothesis that any game involving Illinois head coach Tim Beckman should be picked in favor of Chief Illiniwek’s opponent when the spread seems reasonable if it involved any other coach. Go Nits.

Ohio State -31.5 PURDUE

I didn’t take the big spread in the Texas A&M game because it’s fun to say UTEP, so I’m taking a big spread here because I fell like I need to take a big spread every week. Also, Purdue is not a good American football team.

Wisconsin -9.5 IOWA

I know I’m required to pick a team in each game, but honestly, I’d prefer to take “METEOR STRIKES IOWA CITY” instead.

MICHIGAN STATE -6 Michigan

“The exports of Libya are numerous in amount. One thing they export is corn, or as the Indians call it, ‘maize.’. Another famous Indian was ‘Crazy Horse.’ In conclusion, Libya is a land of contrast. Thank you.” I chose to include the above Bart Simpsons quote because it includes the word “maize” and one of Michigan’s colors is “maize.” No, I am not drunk. Now on to the real analysis: I like Sparty to win this game, but six points is just too much to give an offense that is schizophrenic week in and week out. Michigan has been underwhelming this season, but they’re still Michigan.

NEBRASKA -7 Northwestern

Nebraska was completely and utterly outcoached and outmuscled against Minnesota. Read that sentence again. No, really. Read it again. It is that sentence which tells me enough about who to choose in this game.

INDIANA -9.5 Minnesota

You proved me wrong last week, Goldy. And the week before. Do it again. I triple dog dare you.

2013 Pick ‘em Corner Standings (locks in parentheses)

1. Wick to Click – 91-86-4 (8-1) – 107 pts

2. C-Noth - 93-84-3 (6-3) – 105 pts

3. Money Traen - 90-86-4 (7-2) – 104 pts

3. Steve Stellar – 100-77-4 (2-7) – 104 pts

3. Mrs. Money – 90-85-3 (7-2) – 104 pts

6. KCKCKCK – 93-83-4 (4-5) – 101 pts

7. Strickly Cash 94-83-4 (3-5-1) – 100 pts

8. The Cornerman 92-85-4 (3-5) – 98 pts

9. The Veteran 88-89-4 (4-5) – 96 pts

10. The Professor – 87-90-4 (4-5) – 95 pts

11. Larry the Cash Guy – 85-92-4 (4-5) – 93 pts

12. Mr. Money - 82-92-4 (4-5) – 90 pts

13. Big-Game Bob – 80-93-4 (3-6) – 86 pts

14. Lockrem’s Locks - 75-83-2 (5-3) – 85 pts

15. The Host - 72-85-4 (5-3) – 82 pts

16. Your Picks Ain’t Schmidt – 58-79-4 (3-4) – 64 pts

17. Do You See What I Seehusen - 47-54 (1-3) – 49 pts

18. The Line Adjuster – 3-1 (0-0) – 3 pts

19. Foreman’s Forecast – 0-0 (0-0) – 0 pts

19. auto-MATT-ic – 0-0 (0-0) – 0 pts

The Professor in 2013 Pick 'Em Corner

Overall record: 87-90-4 (.492)

Statistically-Proven Locks: 4-5 (.444)

Games involving Big Ten teams: 34-45-1 (.431)

Games not involving Big Ten teams: 53-45-3 (.540)

Minnesota games: 3-4 (.429)

Schadenfreude Games (Wisconsin, Iowa, Notre Dame): 6-16-1 (.282)

Service Academy Games: 3-6 (.333)

Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Games: 5-4 (.556)

Roll Tide Turkey Games: 3-4 (.429)

Tim Beckman Axiom Games: 3-4 (.429)