Big Ten Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 3 Picks

You could call 1-800-SUG-WINS for The Host's Big Ten picks and throw away your hard-earned money. Keep in mind The Host owns a dreadful 5-6 pick record this fall.

You could go with The Intern's picks, but you need to remember he's a devotee of Minny wideout Ralph Spry.

You could go with KCKCKCK' picks, brought to you by Jimmy John's, but any picks sponsored by a second-rate sandwich shop are doomed to lose you money.

Or you could go with The Professor, a great Big Ten football mind who uses both a multi-factored analytic scientific process to break down the match-ups, as well as coversations with countless plugged-in individuals around the conference. Any rational person will tell you to go with...The Professor's Smart Money Picks.

We start off with this week's Toilet Bowl game with Iowa at Indiana. Anyone who has followed The Professor's picks knows he's got a few go-to guys at both Iowa and Indiana. To get a little insight into the Hawkeyes, I called the doctor, Dr. Tom Davis. To learn a little more about the Hoosiers, I called Bill Mallory. The Good Doctor told me to f*** off, so I went with Mallory and his sub-.500 record as IU's winningest football coach. He told me that his former club absolutely sucks and who am I to argue with that analysis. Iowa, on the other hand, sucks too. But they suck less as evidenced by their losing the last three games by a combined nine points. Kirk Ferentz is sick and tired of his thugs and rapists not performing as well on the field as they have off of it. Take Iowa. Hawkeyes 24, Hoosiers 17.

I'm smelling a pattern with Dick Rod's Wolverines this season. First, they look awful against Utah. Then mediocre against Miami of Ohio. They follow that up by looking awful against Notre Dame. Then look awesome against Wisconsin. Next they're awful against Illinois. So, this week the Wolverines are on the "up" part of their rollercoaster season and they get to waste it by hosting a 1-4 Toledo team. Toledo may be just as confusing as Michigan though. They lose big at Arizona, then win big at Eastern Michigan. They follow that up with a one-point 2OT loss to Fresno State. Then they go in the tank with big losses to Florida Int'l and Ball State. So, will which Rockets team will we see? To find out, I talked to U of M men's hockey stats coordinator Scott O'Neil. Why him, you ask? Well, he bears a striking resemblance to Toledo head coach Tom Amstutz, that's why. He told me not to sleep on the Rockets, but nobody has a higher opinion of his own opinion that Scott O'Neil. For that reason, I'm picking Michigan to romp on the nation's 110th-ranked scoring defense. Michigan 37, Toledo 10.

It's Tim Brewster homecoming week in Illinois and he wants nothing more than a win over his alma mater. Expect phrases like "we're going to choke their asses out" and "we're going to play a pretty darn good impressive game" as Timmy tries to rally the Goof Troop to pull off the upset. Oh, and lots of "very, very" phrases, too. Problem is, none of that will help. To confirm my suspiscions, I talked to Ron Zook. That's right; no obscure Illini reference here; just Ron Zook. Instead of giving me breakdown on this game, he sent me a photo of how he's been spending his time preparing for this game (above). I'll give you a second to check it out...........That's right!!! The Zooker is so confident in his Illini this week vs. the Goof Troop, he's gone waterskiiing. Enough said. Illinois 44, Minnesota 17.

Ok, let's face it. Purdue is not a good football team and Ohio State is a good football team, but 19 points better? Purdue's pedestrian defense stayed within 14 of a Penn State team that features a better attack than the Sweater Vests. I talked to Ohio State insider Courtney Walerius this week to get some juicy details on some of her favorite Buckeyes. Her insight told me 19 points are too much. For example, she's been hanging out in the football training room lately and has noticed that Beanie Wells is still hampered by that foot injury. She also mentioned that Dane Sanzenbacher looks great in football pants, but I'm not sure that helps me make my pick. To make a long story short, Purdue loses big, but not 19 points big. Ohio State 31, Purdue 17.

You hear that sound? Eeeeeeeerrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! It's The Professor's Lead Pipe Lock of the Week. Northwestern has been a feel-good, surprising story in the Big Ten this year with their 5-0 record, but they've had more cupcakes this season than Tom Amstutz. Michigan State a one-point favorite to the Mildcats? Who's setting this line? KCKCKCK, is that you? To make sure I'm not going crazy, I talked to wacky former MSU coach John L. Smith. He had this to say, "Yeah, I'm very upset with that line! That's a damn mistake! The kids are playing their tails off and the sports books are screwin' it up!" John L. then slapped himself in the face. Love the passion there, John L. Take Sparty and the points. Michigan State 21, Northwestern 14.

Finally, it's Popcorn Paterno vs. Bulimia. It's Nittany Lion vs. Bucky. It's Keiser vs. Noth. In a fight, I'd take Bielema, Bucky and Noth. But this is Big Ten football where drunk, horny band members and old men who can't admit that the game has passed them by rules. The marquee matchup of the week, you've got a desperate 0-2 Wisconsin team playing without a band at home and an undefeated Penn State squad looking to make a statement to the nation that they're a team to be reckoned with. I talked to a couple of fans who are making the trip to Madison for the game for a little analysis. On the PSU side, I spoke to Mrs. The Cornerman. She was frothing at the mouth in excited anticipation for the game, but she did manage to point out the Nits' two-game win streak over Bucky and the thorough thrashing Happy Valley put down on Wisky last year. For the flip side, I spoke with Cam Noth. After picking his nose, he told me he's scared of lions. Great analysis, you two. Although I'm tempted to say Wisconsin is desperate enough stay within 5.5 points in this one, anyone who as followed The Professor's picks knows I never pick the Stinkin' Badgers and I also always pick service academies. (Go Army! Beat Navy!). That's not going to change here. Take Penn State and the points even though I've never like The Cornerman as a Penn Stater. Penn State 27, Wisconsin 20.

Thus concludes The Professor's Picks of the Week. Remember, "The 'Smart' Money is Always on THE PROFESSOR."

Big Ten Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 1 Picks

After some high-level research and conversations with the who's whos of Big Ten football, may I present to you The Professor's Picks of the Week:

I talked to former Gopher coach/current Big Ten Network Analyst Glen Mason this week in preparation for my pick of the Ohio State vs. Minnesota game. He wouldn't give me a pick for the game (said something like, "I'm a professional. I have to be objective."), but he did refer me to a dentist with great veneers and a newer, bigger rack, and to some hot stock tips coutesy of Marquette Assets. Getting no help from Mase, I turned to my good friend Ken-Yon Rambo. He gave me plenty of nuggets, including the scoop on Beanie Wells' toe (it's been stapled together a la Curt Schilling's ankle), Tressel's sweater vest (he gets cold easily) and the complete and total ineffectiveness of Brian Robiskie (apparently he was seeing a woman who works in the OSU sports info office in the offseason, but she dumped him when she got engaged, so he's been down in the dumps). None of this adds up to a Minnesota win, but it does give the Goof Troop a chance of staying within 19 points. Final Score: Ohio State 34, Minnesota 24.

Next we have Wisconsin vs. Michigan. Otherwise known as Bret Bulimia vs. Dick Rod. If anyone has been following The Professor's picks in the past few years, you know I never pick the Stinkin' Badgers (I also always pick service academies. Go Army! Beat Navy!). That's not going to change here and the bye week does wonders for Dick Rod's spread offense. I talked to Lloyd Carr this week, but he didn't say anything. So I talked to Kevin Noth instead. Although he's probably going to pick a convincing Badger win, he seemed concerned about the health of his squad. Noth told me that Beckum, Clay, Casillas and several guys with Polish last names are still a little banged up. That's enough for me to go with the Wolverines. Badgers still win, but it's a field goal in the waning moments that does it. Final Score: Wisky 17, Meeeechigan 14.

15.5 points is an awful lot for Penn State to cover against the Fighting Wickstroms, but one look at Illinois' defense so far says JoePa just might have enough thugs (Scirotto, Hayes, King) and potheads (Wallace, Quarless, Evans, Koroma) to score a lot and stop the Illini. I talked to former PSU running back/alleged rapist Austin Scott this week and he talked about the Nits' new culture of "do whatever the f*** you want as long as you win." That's enough for me to take the Fighting Keisers over the Fighting Wickstroms. Final Score: Penn State 42, Illinois 21.

I talked to Antwann Randle El this week. He also saw the Ball State-Indiana game. He likes Michigan State. Final Score: Michigan State 28, Indiana, 17.

Here that sound? Eeeeeeeerrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! It's The Professor's Lead Pipe Lock of the Week. This is also the Snuggle Feel-Good Pick of the Week. One and a half points for the Irish? Who set this line. The Pope? Although Purdue's defense has looked pedestiran so far this season, Tiller Time's offense is plenty explosive enough to pile on the points against the Hobblin' Charlie Weises. I talked to former Purdue defensive coach Moe Ankney this week and all he wanted to know was if they were in "Cobra" or not. He also couldn't find Losli. That was enough for me to pick Purdue to win big on the road. Final Score: Purdue 36, Notre Dame 23.

I'm not sure what KCKCKCK is talking about with the Northwestern-Iowa game. I talked to nobody about this game because I, like a large portion of our viewing audience, don't care about the Wildcat-Hawkeye tilt. But I guess The Professor still has to make a pick. And what professor would I be if I didn't pick the smart kids to cover (and win!) against the Fighting S'felds. Final Score: Northwestern 24, Iowa 23.

Thus concludes The Professor's Picks of the Week. Remember, "The 'Smart' Money is Always on THE PROFESSOR."

Report: Mr. Heavyfoot a Blog of Satire, Not an Actual Source of Facts

Google-owned blog company Blogger of San Francisco issued a report today stating that the blog Mr. Heavyfoot (http://mrheavyfoot.blogspot.com/) is a site consisting primarily of satire, not a site that bothers itself with facts, accurate quotes or any other pillars of good journalism. Blogger released the report after several confused organizations used Mr. Heavyfoot as a source for background checks for various members of the Heavyfoot community.

"Apparently, there's some misconceptions about the definition of satire," Mr. Heavyfoot said. "This blog is all about irony, sarcasm, ridicule and caustic wit, not facts. I'm guessing the same people who use us as a source for legitimate information think The Onion is actually a newspaper filled with factual reporting."

As a disclaimer to visitors to Mr. Heavyfoot, the blog uses the sub-headline "All the fake news that really isn't all that fit to print," informing the misinformed web-surfer that Mr. Heavyfoot is nothing but a forum for the ramblings of a blogger with way too much time on his hands and a good imagination.

"From time to time, we'll post actual facts, but by no means is that a common occurrence," Mr. Heavyfoot said. "About the only time you'll read the truth on this site is when we post the score of Boom Goes the Dynamite softball games. By the way, if anybody reading this blog wants to hire me to write fake press releases, fake news stories or other pieces of satire, let me know. Please realize, however, that we here at Mr. Heavyfoot don't let the facts get in the way of a good story."

Fun with Mascots

We've got two big deadlines this week, so no new press releases until at least this afternoon or tomorrow. (There's so much to write about, too). Until then, we give you a blooper/highlight video of mascots. Most of the Heavyfoot community knows that we once donned a furry mascot suit during our college years. We still jump at the chance to get sweaty while dressed up as an oversized animal (did that sound dirty?), so if you ever have any need for someone to get in a mascot suit, you know where to go. We're not kidding. We had Goldy at our wedding.

Mascots we've been: Goldy Gopher, Crunch, Prowl, Bruegger's Bagel Guy, Fairborne, Fairchild, Cheapskate the Chicken, Cookie Monster, Clifford the Big Red Dog, Huckle Cat, State Fair Recycle Trash Can, State Fair Cup, RBC Dain Rauscher's Leo the Lion.

We Dream of Someday Building Our Very Own Wiffle Ball Park

What is it about Wiffle Ball that just seems to conjure up pleasant memories of childhood days gone by? Days when organized sports didn't dominate the summer schedule. Days when the most fun was had by making up games with your friends in the backyard. There's something magical about Wiffle Ball that we can't quite put our finger on.

Whatever it is, the above video and this photo gallery from a story that appeared in the Star Tribune (and video and corresponding web page) has made us put one more thing on our list of things to do before we die. We now pledge to build a Wiffle Ball field in our yard at some point in the not-too-distant future (we live in a townhouse now, so we don't technically own our yard...otherwise we'd be designing the field dimensions as we speak). And we'll start a Wiffle Ball league. As long as you can walk, you can play. Start forming your four-player teams now.

We don't, however, have any aspirations (nor chance) of being able to throw a Wiffle Ball like these guys:

All Nude...Tastefully Done

Some of you may remember this classic ESPN the Magazine spot featuring former Minnesota Timberwolves teammates Kevin Garnett and Stephon Marbury. We're not NBA fans around here at all, but we remember how excited we were to have Garnett and Marbury together back in the late 90s. Sadly, nothing came of the partnership except this hilarious ad. Plus, ESPN the Magazine has done neither a swimsuit nor an all-nude (but tastefully done) issue.

That's important...very important...to be tasteful.

Happy Cinco de Mayo. Now Beware of Flying Drums

America and Mexico may have their differences (NAFTA, immigration, etc.), but are we really all that different? To wit:

Fourth of July in America: "What better way to celebrate the birth of your country than by blowing up a small part of it?"



Cinco de Mayo in Mexico: "What better way to celebrate your country's pride and heritage than by hurling a bass drum at a riot cop in the stands during a soccer game?"

And Now, Drunk Monkeys

Happy Cinco de Mayo, Heavyfooters. We're not sure why our Hispanic friends get all fired up over May 5, but then again, why do the Irish (and Irish wannabes) get all juiced on St. Patrick's Day? Because there will undoubtedly by plenty of imbibing of Dos Equis and Corona tonight, we issue the following alcohol-related documentary. So, without futher ado, drunk monkeys.

Sadly This Video Features No Fox 9 Reporters

Given our history working with the esteemed media in the Twin Cities, we developed a measure of disdain for the local news/sports TV reporters. We're talking about you, Trish Van Pilsum.

It is for that reason we took great pleasure in watching the above video of reporters getting embarrassed, maimed, clawed, tackled, blown up, and hit by a professional wrestler, horse, plane, pie, purse, cat, guy on an inner tube, etc.

Our personal favorites are the CNN reporter getting tackled and the female reporter getting absolutely buried by a passing snowplow.

Best line from the video: "Put that on the news."

Fun With Your Baby, His Bumbo Seat and Stop Motion Video

While we work on the major Boom Goes the Dynamite announcement (warning: you may or may not consider the announcement "major"), we present a video we find amusing probably because we're the parents of a child about the age of the baby in the video. The description from collegehumor.com sums up this video quite well: "By the time this was done, he could speak and make his own videos.