Mr. Heavyfoot

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 2 Smart Money Picks

2011-09-09T14:15:00.008-05:00

Class is very much back in session. As my students are well-aware now, The Professor's Smart Money Picks 101 is the go-to class for all of your college football gambling needs. If you attended the lecture last week, you know The Professor is atop the Pick 'em Corner standings (see below) with a 13-5 record. In addition, The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week was money in the bank for my students.

Kudos go to fellow panelist KCKCKCK for matching The Professor’s 13-5 mark in week 1. That performance is a mirage. KCKCKCK is no Professor. He doesn’t meticulously break down the numbers inside the numbers for each game. He doesn’t enlist a small army of teaching assistants and interns to break down the matchups and storylines. He doesn’t waste millions of research grant dollars each year to accurately predict college football games. No, KCKCKCK turns to BTN personalities Glen Mason and Gerry DiNardo who reluctantly give KCKCKCK about 15 minutes of courtesy conversation each week. And then KCKCKCK thinks he’s an expert when really he’s just a low-level production assistant charged with bringing Dave Revsine his Earl Gray tea every morning.

I’d waste more time explaining why The Professor is the Pick ‘em Corner panelist to listen to, but the numbers speak for themselves Pick 'Em Corner (two-time Big Ten Regular Season Handicapping Champion, 13-5 record last week).

Without further ado, sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and enjoy the lecture, for these are The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by the City of Chanhassen.

Iowa -6.5 *IOWA STATE
Am I the only one that thought the redesigned Cy-Hawk trophy was a perfect metaphor for what everyone thinks of when someone mentions Iowa? Corn. White people in overalls. Is there anything else in Iowa? It’s a shame this trophy has been shelved before it even made it to an Iowa-Iowa State game. The Professor loves to pick against the Hawkeyes and loves to pick the Cyclones, but ISU can’t stop the run and can’t throw the ball. If the Cyclones struggled to get past Northern Iowa in front of the fourth-largest crowd in Iowa State history, what makes anyone think ISU can hang within a touchdown of the much-superior Hawkeyes? They can’t.

*MICHIGAN STATE -32 Florida Atlantic
Whenever you have a chance to pick a Howard Schnellenberger-coached team, you do it. Plus, the Owls only lost by 13 points to an arguably better Spartan team last year in East Lansing. There’s no reason to think Sparty is 19 points better this season. Go Owls.

*OHIO STATE -18 Toledo
The Professor is not immune from learning lessons and I learned mine last week by picking against the Buckeyes in a meaningless nonconference game against an in-state opponent.

*WISCONSIN -20.5 Oregon State
I’m not proud of this pick, especially considering I also picked the hated Hawkeyes this week, but Oregon State lost in overtime to something called Sacramento State last week … at home. Bucky may be excused from taking the Beavers lightly, but Bret Bielema absolutely loves running up the score any chance he gets.

*ILLINOIS -21 South Dakota State
Touchdown Jackrabbits! One touchdown. That’s it.

*NORTHWESTERN -23 Eastern Illinois
In the hope of gaining some separation from KCKCKCK (who we all know is taking the ‘Cats), I like the Panthers.

*MINNESOTA -20 New Mexico State
My glass is full of Jerry Kill-aid and it tastes so good.

Alabama -10 *PENN STATE
The Bama defense is too darn good and the Nittany Lions QB leave much to be desired. Sounds like 10 or more points to me. Heck, I think the Tide D just might out-score Penn State’s offense. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, LFK and Cornerman. ROLL! TIDE! TURKEY!

Purdue -2 *RICE
Stay far, far away from this game if you know what’s good for you. Rice hung tough for a while with Texas, while Purdue looked absolutely dreadful against Middle Tennessee. So why am I taking the Boilers? I don’t know. I really don’t.

*NEBRASKA -27.5 Fresno State
Fresno State has a history as a giant killer, so they have that going for them … which is nice. The only giant they’ll be killing this week is the point spread. Nebraska 34, Fresno State 13.

Virginia -7 *INDIANA
You don’t get bullied by Ball State and hope to stay within a touchdown of a BCS school the following week. Cellar, meet Indiana. Indiana, meet cellar.

Notre Dame -3 *MICHIGAN
It’s The Professor’s Schadenfreude Game of the Week, presented by Gasthof Zur Gemutlichkeit. Nothing explains The Professor's feelings about schools like Wisconsin, Iowa and Notre Dame better then schadenfreude. Schadenfreude also would very much apply to a Michigan loss … just not in this game. I’m actually hoping for a rare case double schadenfreude in this tilt. That is, I hope both teams are involved in a horrible bus accident prior to the game.

San Diego State -9.5 *ARMY
It’s The Professor's Service Academy Game of the Week (part I), brought to you by Armed Forces Network. You know the drill:

The Army team's the pride and dream
Of every heart in gray,
The Army line you'll ever find
A terror in the fray;
And when the team is fighting
For the Black and Gray and Gold,
We're always near with song and cheer
And this is the tale we're told:
The Army team ...
(Band accompaniment)
(Whistle)
On, brave old Army team,
On to the fray;
Fight on to victory,
For that's the fearless Army way.

Mississipppi State -6.5 *AUBURN
Auburn looked positively awful in eking out a win over Utah State, not Utah, Utah freakin’ State. Meanwhile, Mississippi State ran roughshod over Memphis. In a battle between the two programs that entered the Cecil/Cam Newton Sweepstakes, the loser of that contest wins this one.

Stanford -20 *DUKE
It’s the Pocket Protector Bowl! It’s Rich Nerds vs. Rich, Arrogant A**holes! It’s Brains vs., well, Brains! It’s a Stanford rout. In fact … DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It's The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University!

*ARIZONA STATE -7.5 Missouri
Lightning round, part 1.

Virginia Tech -17 *EAST CAROLINA
Lightning round, part 2.

*WASHINGTON -5.5 Hawai’i
Lightning round, part 3.

TCU -1 *AIR FORCE
Nowhere in my contract does it state that I must pick the service academy in a second Professor's Service Academy Game of the Week, brought to you by Armed Forces Network. So, as much as I’d like to sing “off we go into the wild blue yonder,” I just can’t. TCU is an angry, angry team that will look to take out its frustrations on the future leaders of our great nation.

South Carolina -3 *GEORGIA
The Mark Richt Farewell Tour’s home opener won’t be pretty for Mark Richt or the Bulldogs=

*TEXAS -7 BYU
This pick is for all those young men in black pants and short sleeved white dress shirts. Get off my property, you proselytizers!

*USC -8.5 Utah
Chalk this one up to The Professor picking with his heart and his head. I’m calling a Utah win here. Welcome to the Pac-12, Utes!

Thus concludes The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen.

2011 Pick 'Em Corner Standings - Total Points
1. The Professor 13-5 (15)
1. KCKCKCK 13-5 (15)
3. Special G 12-5 (12)
4. The Veteran 9-9 (11)
4. The Host 9-9 (11)
4. LFK 9-9 (11)
4. Wickstrom 11-7 (11)
8. The Cornerman 10-8 (10)
8. Miss Money 8-9 (10)
10. Strickly Cash 7-11 (9)
10. Money Traen 9-8 (9)
12. Steve Stellar 7-11 (7)
13. C-Noth 0-0 (0)
13. Vose 0-0 (0)
13. automatic 0-0 (0)
13. Lockrem’s Locks 0-0 (0)

2011 Pick 'Em Corner Standings - Points Per Week (Locks)
1. The Professor 15 (1-0)
1. KCKCKCK 15 (1-0)
3. Special G 12 (0-1)
4. The Veteran 11 (1-0)
4. The Host 11 (1-0)
4. LFK 11 (1-0)
4. Wickstrom 11 (0-0)
8. The Cornerman 10 (0-1)
8. Miss Money 10 (1-0)
10. Strickly Cash 9 (1-0)
10. Money Traen 9 (0-1)
12. Steve Stellar 7 (0-1)
13. C-Noth 0-0 (0-0)
13. Vose 0-0 (0-0)
13. automatic 0-0 (0-0)
13. Lockrem’s Locks 0-0 (0)

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 1 Smart Money Picks

2011-09-01T12:54:00.012-05:00

My name is The Professor. Welcome to The Professor's Smart Money Picks 101, a crucial part of the curriculum known as Pick 'Em Corner. I've been handicapping college football games for decades now and would like you to know that I am a two-time Pick 'Em Corner Big Ten Regular Season Handicapping Champion (2008, 2009). Pay no mind to my predictions for games outside the Big Ten regular season.

The Professor is excited for the new Pick ‘Em Corner with various panelists in charge with selecting games from week to week. Good luck to my fellow panelists in attempting to choose games in an effort to stump The Professor. It’s a futile effort, but good luck nonetheless.

For those of you not familiar with The Professor and my process for handicapping college football games, I've included a brief syllabus:

1. The Professor is proud to return as the presenter of The Professor's Service Academy Game of the Week (SAGoW), brought to you by Armed Forces Network.

2. The Professor ALWAYS chooses the service academy squad in the SAGoW, no matter the matchup or spread.

3. The Professor will weekly provide you with a prediction on which to place the bulk of your bankroll. This prediction will be known as The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University.

4. The Professor will do his darndest to avoid picking Wisconsin and Iowa during the season, but ridiculous betting lines may prevent him from doing so from time to time.

5. The Professor uses a mathematical process he created to decide games involving Illinois. The Ron Zook Postulate states that any game involving noted waterskiing head coach Ron Zook should be picked in favor of the Fighting Illini's opponent when the spread seems reasonable if it involved any other coach. The related Tim Brewster Theorem was retired on Oct. 16, 2010.

6. From time to time, The Professor will sponsor the Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game, brought to you by RO*TEL.

7. The Professor's colleagues in the Pick 'Em Corner curriculum include, but are not limited to, The Host, Steve Stellar, The Cornerman, KCKCKCK, The Veteran, Miss Money, autoMATTic, Strickly Cash, Money Traen, C-Noth, Lockrem's Locks, Foreman’s Forecast, Special G and Vose. Do not trust your money to them and their picks.

8. The Professor will use Mr. Heavyfoot (http://mrheavyfoot.blogspot.com) as the homepage for The Professor's Smart Money Picks of the Week. Given enough time and/or the hiring of a quality TA, Mr. Heavyfoot will host the Pick 'Em Corner weekly picks and standings.

9. The Professor's Smart Money Picks will be distinguished in bold (* denotes home team).

Without further ado, sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and enjoy the lecture, for these are The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by the City of Chanhassen.

*Wisconsin -35 UNLV Thursday game
As noted above, The Professor does everything in his power to not choose Wisconsin in his weekly picks when the point spread allows. This is one such point spread. Of course the Badgers are going to win and win big, but with a new QB at the helm, it will take Wisconsin some time to get going in this tilt. I have absolutely no delusions that the Rebs will be able to hang with Wisco, but 35 points are just too many.

*Ohio State -34 Akron
A little known, but useful tool in deciding games involving Akron is the Tom Wistrcill Hypothesis. Wistrcill, as most of the Pick ‘Em Corner panel is aware, is a former Minnesota assistant AD and current AD at Akron. The Tom Wistrcill Hypothesis states that, in games involving Akron with point spreads of 30 points or more, go with the Zips. It’s a working hypothesis, but it’s enough for me in this game. Akron is a plucky little team with an adorable kangaroo mascot, while the Buckeyes are talented as always, but a team full of question marks after a turbulent offseason. Methinks 34 points is just a tad too much for an OSU squad with a new coach and QB. Go Zips.

*Boston College -3 Northwestern
Dan Persa’s limp is a limp, not a pimp walk. ‘‘Your limp could be somebody else’s pimp walk,’’ Wildcats coach Pat Fitzgerald said of his QB’s injury concerns. This is the same coach that said Tim Brewster’s 2010 Gophers were “one of the best-coached teams in the country.” Clearly, Fitzgerald’s observational skills are lacking. Until he proves me wrong, I shall hereby be picking against the ‘Cats in 2011. Sorry, KCKCKCK

*Penn State -37 Indiana State
Last season, in Pick ‘Em Corner games involving point spreads of 34 points or more, the favorite was 7-2. So why, pray tell, is The Professor going with the underdogs in all these big-spread games? Easy. Four of those seven favorites last season were Boise State. The others: Alabama, Ohio State and Oregon. The 2011 offenses of Wisconsin, Ohio State, Penn State and Iowa (coming up next) aren’t anywhere near the caliber of the 2010 offenses of the Broncos, Tide, Buckeyes and Ducks.

*Iowa -40 Tennessee Tech
See Penn State-Indiana State. Also, The Professor does everything in his power to not choose Iowa in his weekly picks when the point spread allows. This is one such point spread.

*Purdue -18.5 Middle Tennessee
Amateur Pick ‘Em Corner panelists like Miss Money or Lockrem’s Locks will look at an 18.5 point spread between a Big Ten team and a school with a directional name and immediately pick the Boilers. Folks, The Professor is not an amateur prognosticator. You can’t spell Professor without ‘pro.’ Middle Tennessee State is a decent program in the Sun Belt looking for a signature win, while all Purdue (aka Torn ACL U) has going for itself right now is Danny Hope’s lipsweater. When you’re using something called Caleb TerBush as your starting QB and you’re pinning your hopes on the paper knees of RB Ralph Bolden, you’re in trouble. In fact … DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It's The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University!

*Alabama -36.5 Kent State
Last season, in Pick ‘Em Corner games involving point spreads of 34 points or more, the favorite was 7-2. Pay no mind to me ignoring that stat in the above games. Oh, and ROLL! TIDE! TURKEY!

*USC -21 Minnesota
The Professor is drunk on Jerry Kill Kool-Aid (tastes like vinegar mixed with sweet tea!), so take this pick as you’d like, but I’m a believer in what Kill is doing at Minnesota. Do I believe, like ESPN.com’s Pat Forde that the Gophers will pull the upset? No, not for one second. But I do believe the lack of film on a Jerry Kill-coached Minnesota team will help immensely against USC. The Trojan coaching staff has been watching Northern Illinois video to get a sense of what they might see on Saturday, but none of that video will include Marqueis Gray, Da’Jon McKnight or Eric Lair. USC will out-talent Minnesota at pretty much every position, but they will not out-coach the Gophers like they did last year. The Trojans win this one, but it won’t be easy.

*Notre Dame -10 South Florida
It's time for The Professor's weekly lecture on the concept of schadenfreude, defined as "satisfaction or pleasure felt at someone else's misfortune." Nothing explains The Professor's feelings about schools like Wisconsin, Iowa and Notre Dame better then schadenfreude. In that vein, I would like to introduce The Professor’s Schadenfreude Game of the Week, presented by Gasthof Zur Gemutlichkeit.

*Illinois -20.5 Arkansas State
The Ron Zook Postulate in full effect here. As a reminder: The Ron Zook Postulate states that any game involving noted waterskiing head coach Ron Zook should be picked in favor of the Fighting Illini's opponent when the spread seems reasonable if it involved any other coach.

*Nebraska -36 Chattanooga
See Alabama-Kent State.

*Michigan -14 Western Michigan
It may take Denard Robinson some time to get going in the new offense, but Michigan is easily two TDs better than the Broncos. And now, Pure Michigan:

*Indiana -6.5 Ball State (Lucas Oil Stadium, Indianapolis, Ind.)
[crickets]

Boise State -3.5 Georgia (Georgia Dome- Atlanta, Ga.)
For some reason, The Professor loves the Broncos. Last season, The Professor went 7-2 in games involving Boise State, picking the Smurf Turfers in every contest. That’s not changing here. Plus, it’s another chance for the schadenfreude angle to play out as it would be awesome to see a team from freakin’ Idaho beat up on a squad from the big, bad SEC.

Oregon -1 LSU (Cowboy Stadium – Dallas, Texas)
If this game was in Baton Rouge, I might pick the Tigers, but the potent Duck offense on artificial turf of Cowboy Stadium, coupled with the loss of LSU’s QB and top WR spell a win for Oregon. Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack!

*Hawai’i -7 Colorado
It's the Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game, brought to you by RO*TEL. I dunno. Go Rainbow Warriors. I guess. Oh, and since 2007, Colorado has lost 18 straight road games. Here’s hoping they make it 19 by a TD or more.

Miami -5.5 *Maryland Monday game
Without prostitutes, yacht parties, booze, cash handouts and bounties, how can the ‘Canes be expected to be motivated to play this season? Go Terps.

BYU -3 *Ole Miss
We end Week 1 with a thud. Nice work as always, Host. Knowing nothing about either of these teams, I’ll use the coaches’ names as a way to pick a winner. Hmmm. While Bronco Mendenhall is an awesome name and very football-like, there are few names in college football more fun to say than Houston Nutt. Try it. Houston Nutt. Houston Nutt. Houston Nutt.

Finally, WHERE IS THE SERVICE ACADEMY GAME OF THE WEEK?!?! In lieu of The Host not including The Professor's Service Academy Game of the Week (SAGoW), brought to you by Armed Forces Network, I give you my picks for all games involving service academies:

*Northern Illinois -10.5 Army
On, brave old Army team!

*Navy -8 Delaware
Anchors aweigh!

*Air Force -33.5. South Dakota
Off we go, into the wild blue yonder!

Johns Hopkins -8.5 *Merchant Marine
We're moving down the field to victory
Men of the Grey and Blue!

Bye week: Coast Guard Academy.

Thus concludes The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen.

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 11 Smart Money Picks

2010-11-12T14:29:00.005-06:00

The Professor is back. Back to his rightful place atop the Pick 'Em Corner standings. That's right, YOUR two-time defending Pick 'Em Corner Big Ten Regular Season Handicapping Champion owns the top spot in everyone's favorite college football betting program.

My fellow panelists wrote off The Professor after an admittedly awful 4-10-1 Week 7, which left The Professor below .500 for the year and the owner of a 2-5 locks record. Well, my how the tables have turned. Since Week 7, The Professor has posted a 31-13-1 tear, including a 3-0 mark in locks.

The Professor is back, indeed.

So, without further ado, sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and enjoy the lecture, for these are The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by the City of Chanhassen.

Iowa -10 NORTHWESTERN
The Professor is a numbers guy and all the numbers say to pick the Cats in this one. There's Kirk Ferentz's 4-5 mark against NU, including a 1-3 record against Pat Fitzgerald. There's the Hawkeyes' lackluster win over Indiana last weekend. And then there's the Northwestern's upset win in Iowa City last season to derail the Hawks' undefeated season. So why is The Professor siding with Iowa? First, Iowa is very, very good. Northwestern is not. Second, although this is a road game, it's not a road game since there will be thousands of Iowa fans at Ryan Field. Plus, KCKCKCK will probably be picking the Cats, since that's what he does. Go Hawks.

WISCONSIN -21.5 Indiana
Chalk this one up to my hatred of all things Wisconsin. The Badgers are head and shoulders better than Indiana, but by now, you know how much The Professor loves the schadenfreude angle as it related to Wisconsin. Nothing says schadenfreude more than a Hoosier cover. Plus, Special K is fond of saying, "Bucky is yucky."

ILLINOIS -21 Minnesota
In the aftermath of the Gophers' shellacking at the hands of Michigan State last week, Minnesota tight end Eric Lair said, "I don’t want to say we’re cocky, but we just believe no one can really stop us.” So, much like Mr. Lair, The Professor is going to delude himself into thinking the Gophers can cover this week on the road. Plus, I'm 2-5 this year when I pick against Goldy.

Michigan -12.5 PURDUE
Michigan: Explosive offense, high school defense. Purdue: Anemic offense, "meh" defense. Sounds like a 14-point Maize and Blue win to me. Plus, RichRod is still pissed at Danny Hope and his weird post-game exchange after Purdue's win at Michigan Stadium last year.

Utah -5.5 NOTRE DAME
Utah looking for redemption after last week's embarrassing home loss to TCU + Notre Dame's 11-game losing streak to ranked opponents + the Irish starting a true freshman QB + a quiet home crowd = a convincing Utah win. Plus, it's always fun to cheer against Notre Dame.

OHIO STATE -18 Penn State
The Bucks are rested and ready to introduce PSU QB Matt McGloin to a real Big Ten defense, not the high school-level defenses at Northwestern, Michigan, Minnesota and Illinois. Plus, it's always fun to pick against the alma mater of The Cornerman and Foreman's Forecast.

AUBURN -8.5 Georgia
Color me surprised that Steve Stellar didn't take this one off the board when the rest of the sports books already have, thanks to the ongoing Cam Newton saga. Are we really providing our viewers a service when we include a game on our docket that bookies won't touch with a 10-foot pole? Ok fine. I'll go with the conventional wisdom that the distractions will keep this game close. Plus, I'd like to see the SEC's top team fall to help out TCU/Boise State.

FLORIDA -6.5 South Carolina
This game is a tale of two teams going in separate directions - Florida up and USC down. Throw in the fact that this game will be played in the Swamp and you have the makings of a convincing Gator win. Plus, the Gamecocks lost by 21 at home to Woo Pig Sooie last weekend.

Oregon -19.5 CAL
It's worked for two straight weeks, so why not try it again? In the spirit of the Mighty Ducks movies, of which the esteemed publication Let's Play Hockey was a part: Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack! DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It's The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University!

ALABAMA -13.5 Mississippi St. (Roll Tide Turkey game)
I haven't picked against the Tide a single time this season. Sure, it's led me to a 5-4 mark in Roll Tide Turkey games, but I think it's time to shake things up a bit. Plus, I think 13.5 points are just a tad too much in this "closer than the experts think" game.

ARIZONA (home) -4 USC
In the last five weeks USC has given up 32 or more points four times. Meanwhile, Arizona is 10th in the nation in points against. Plus, this is a night game in front of the 'Zona Zoo.

Army Pick’Em KENT STATE (Service Academy game)
In honor of Veteran's Day Weekend, I give you the complete lyrics to the Army fight song:

The Army team's the pride and dream
Of every heart in gray,
The Army line you'll ever find
A terror in the fray;
And when the team is fighting
For the Black and Gray and Gold,
We're always near with song and cheer
And this is the tale we're told:
The Army team ...
(Band accompaniment)
(Whistle)
On, brave old Army team,
On to the fray;
Fight on to victory,
For that's the fearless Army way.

Miami -2.5 GEORGIA TECH
For two consecutive weeks, I've had the pleasure of picking against Steve Stellar's favorite squad and came away the big winner. What makes you think I'm going to change now. Plus, this is the first time this season we get to sing, "I'm a Ramblin' Wreck from Georgia Tech, and a hell of an engineer--A helluva, helluva, helluva, helluva, hell of an engineer."

*Boise State -34.5 Idaho
Despite the mounting evidence that it's going to take a miracle for Boise State to get a piece of the BCS pie, there's still hope for the Smurf Turfers. They're still on a mission and that means they'll pile on the points again this week, then wake up the next morning and watch a distracted Auburn team implode against Georgia.

Iowa State -2.5 COLORADO (Meaningless game of the Week)
Befitting the Meaningless Game of the Week, here's my analysis: [This space intentionally left blank].

*Stanford -5 ARIZONA STATE
Did I mention I'm 31-13-1 in the last three weeks? I did? Well, then just go with me on this one.

Thus concludes The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen.

2010 Pick 'Em Corner Standings - Total Points
1. The Professor 82-66-5 (92 pts.)
2. Special G 83-65-5 (91)
3. The Veteran 78-70-5 (90)
4. Strickly Cash 81-67-5 (87)
5. The Host 71-77-5 (87)
6. Steve Stellar 79-70-5 (85)
6. KCKCKCK 75-58-5 (85)
8. The Cornerman 68-80-5 (84)
9. Foreman's Forecast 70-76-5 (80)
10. Miss Money 54-65-3 (62)
11. C-Noth 51-64-4 (59)
12. Money Traen 35-40-3 (37)
13. Vose 30-30-3 (32)
14. autoMATTic 24-33-3 (26)
15. Lockrem's Locks 9-6-0 (9)

2010 Pick 'Em Corner Standings - Points Per Week (Locks)
1. KCKCKCK 9.4 (5-4)
2. The Professor 9.2 (5-5)
3. Special G 9.1 (4-6)
4. The Veteran 9.0 (6-4)
4. Lockrem's Locks 9.0 (0-1)
6. The Host 8.7 (8-2)
6. Strickly Cash 8.7 (3-7)
8. Steve Stellar 8.5 (3-7)
9. The Cornerman 8.4 (8-2)
10. Foreman's Forecast 8.0 (4-6)
10. Vose 8.0 (1-3)
12. Miss Money 7.8 (4-4)
13. C-Noth 7.4 (4-3)
13. Money Traen 7.4 (1-4)
15. autoMATTic 6.5 (1-3)

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 10 Smart Money Picks

2010-11-05T15:33:00.012-05:00

Much like my reaction to the news of the Tim Brewster firing, The Professor would like to celebrate the end of East Coast Bias Week for the 2010 season. The fact that The Host allows Pick 'Em Corner to be hijacked by a couple of transplants who play Duck, Duck, Goose and Flush/Knockout is a troubling sign for the future of this esteemed program. With that in mind, I propose that in weeks that The Host is too busy to choose games, the previous week's top scorer should do the honors.

Of course, that would mean The Host actually gets around to, you know, doing his job and compiling the results from previous weeks, so never mind, I guess.

On to Week 10. The Professor is happy to see we're done with the abomination of ECBW, even though I did notch 13 points last week. The Professor is also happy to see Cornerman and Steve Stellar have listened to the plethora of complaints from Pick 'Em Corner's Midwest-centric fan base and avoided games like Syracuse-Louisville and Boston College-Wake Forest. Good on ya, fellow panelists.

So, without further ado, sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and enjoy the lecture, for these are The Professor's Smart Money Picks (West Coast Bias Week Edition), brought to you by the City of Chanhassen.

Iowa -17.5 INDIANA
The Professor can admit when he's wrong. I partially had written off Iowa after they picked up their second loss a couple weeks ago. Oops. That thumping of Sparty showed how far off I was. Two losses or not, the Hawkeyes are still in the mix for the Big Ten title and they're not going to let their foot off the gas in what should be an Iowa rout in Bloomington.

MICHIGAN ST. -24.5 Minnesota
The Professor's Progeny (v1), Special K, learned quickly last week what it means to be a Gopher fan. After Ohio State marched down the field for a touchdown on its opening possession, Special K turned to me and said, "I want to go home." Expect the Gophers to feel much the same way early on in this tilt with Sparty.

MICHIGAN -3 Illinois
The Ron Zook Postulate does not apply for games where the spread is actually opposite of what it should be. This is one of those games. Much like last season, the wheels are coming off in Michigan. Meanwhile, the Illini look like a team just a notch below the Big Ten elite. It's hard to believe, given who their coach is, but this is my secondary lock of the week (no extra points awarded, though they should be if you pick a team coached by Ron Zook).

MIAMI (Fla.) -7.5 Maryland
Ugh, Steve Stellar's East Coast bias rears its ugly head again. Fear the Turtle.

Wisconsin -20 PURDUE
You know I hate to do it, but I have to pick Bucky here. Purdue is bad, really bad, like almost Minnesota bad.

Air Force -6.5 ARMY (Service Academcy GOW)
Army's new awesome camouflage uniforms are good enough for a cover in West Point.

On, brave old Army team!
On to the fray.
Fight on to victory
For that's the fearless Army way.

TCU -4.5 UTAH (Home)
Some people are looking at this game as a playoff for a BCS bowl spot. Others are looking at this game as the winner's opportunity to leapfrog Boise State in the BCS standings. The Professor is looking at this game as a battle between two teams who really haven't played anybody. Ok, TCU beat Oregon State and Baylor, but that doesn't do a lot for me. And Utah beat, well, umm, choose which team does it for you: Iowa State, Pitt, Air Force. TCU's body of work is a tad stronger that the Utes, so that's what I'm going with here.

BOISE STATE -21 Hawai'i
I really want to take the Rainbow Warriors here as they've put together a solid season, but Boise State is on a mission to upset the apple cart that is the BCS. To do that, the Broncos obviously need to win, but moreso, win big. That's exactly what they do here.

Alabama -6.5 LSU (RTT GOW)
Like the Cornerman, I wouldn't be sad to see the Roll Tide Turkey Game of the Week take a break from time to time, but not this week. I'm still of the belief that LSU is as mediocre a 7-1 team as you'll find. Meanwhile, Alabama should be back to being Alabama after a pair of good wins following the upset loss to South Carolina. The difference maker here is the Tide defense. Aside from the hiccup in Columbia, Bama has allowed more 13 points just once this season. The Bama defense will stop the LSU run and force the anemic Tiger pass offense to do what it does best - throw interceptions. Roll! Tide! Turkey!

PENN STATE -5.5 Northwestern
Joe Paterno gets his first shot at getting his 400th win and his players aren't going to let a team of nerds prevent it from happening.

OREGON -35 Washington
It worked last week, so why not try it again? In the spirit of the Mighty Ducks movies, of which the esteemed publication Let's Play Hockey was a part: Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack! DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It's The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University!

Nebraska -17.5 IOWA STATEI'm tired of picking the favorite. Yup, that's why I'm going with the Cyclones.

California -14 WASHINGTON STATE (Victory Sports Meaningless GOW)
See Nebraska-Iowa State.

STANFORD -9.5 Arizona
I'm running out of steam here, I'll admit. I like the Cardinal to take the win here, but the spread is just a tad too big for me, especially considering Zona's stout defense. Go Cats.

USC -5 Arizona StateLast week's game against Oregon was USC's bowl game for they year and they allowed 53 points. Now, I don't expect Arizona State to put up anywhere near the same numbers as the Ducks, but there's just no chance the prima donna-laden Trojan roster has any sort of motivation for this game with the Devils. Lane Kiffin will do his best to rally the troops, but in a season that now means nothing, the USC players will mail in the rest of the season, starting with this game. DEVILS!!!

Thus concludes The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen.

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 9 Smart Money Picks

2010-10-29T11:10:00.005-05:00

Not a lot of time for The Professor this week what with actual work to do, along with getting ready for Special K's 3rd birthday tomorrow. With that in mind, it's lightning round week for The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by the City of Chanhassen.

Illinois -17 PURDUE
The Ron Zook Postulate screwed me last week, so I'm shelving it...for now.

Miami -15 VIRGINIA
Miami's underachieving season continues. I'd apologize to Steve Stellar here, but he's partially responsible for ANOTHER East Coach Bias Week of which The Professor is an unabashed detractor.

PITTSBURGH -9 Louisville
Ugh, I hate East Coast Bias Week v.2. Thus, here's my analysis for this game: [this space intentionally left blank].

Northwestern -3 INDIANA
Northwestern sucks, but Indiana is suckier.

TEMPLE -29.5 Akron (Victory Spots Meaningless GOW)
Never, ever pick Akron...even if they do have an awesome kangaroo for a mascot.

NOTRE DAME -8.5 Tulsa
[Analysis redacted]

IOWA -6.5 Michigan State
What the heck does Sparty have to do to gain respect? Win this game, perhaps?

GEORGIA -3 Florida
Don't know why I went with Florida and I don't care.

Auburn -7 MISSISSIPPI
Cam Newton is good for a Tiger win by 8 or more.

NEBRASKA -7.5 Missouri
Total number of minutes I've seen either of these teams play this season: 0. Bet carefully.

Utah -7 AIR FORCE (Service GOW)
I'd love to sing "Off we go into the wild blue yonder" here, but I just can't do it. Tempted to lock this one in, but my affinity toward the service academies prevents me from doing so.

Ohio State -25.5 MINNESOTA
Appropriately, Special K's first introduction to the splendor of live Gopher football results in a Buckeye rout...on his birthday. Welcome to a lifetime of disappointment and heartache, my son.

Michigan -3 PENN STATE
I'd pick the Nits here, but there are several reasons not to: 1. The Cornerman went to Penn State and his grubby little hands are all over this abomination known as East Coast Bias Week v.2. 2. The Nittany Lion is a horrible mascot that looks like it was made by the Cornerman's great-grandparents as a gift to little Cornerman to wear for Halloween circa 1982. 3. Michigan is west of Pennsylvania. Did I mention how much I hate East Coast Bias Week?

Oregon -6.5 USC
In the spirit of the Mighty Ducks movies, of which the esteemed publication Let's Play Hockey was a part: Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack!

HAWAII -14.5 Idaho
DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It's The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University!

Thus concludes The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen.

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 8 Smart Money Picks

2010-10-22T11:22:00.001-05:00

Connecticut -2 LOUISVILLE
Penn State -9.5 MINNESOTA
PITTSBURGH -13.5 Rutgers
Michigan State -5 NORTHWESTERN
Western Michigan -7.5 AKRON ***LOCK***
ILLINOIS -14 Indiana
OHIO STATE -24 Purdue
Notre Dame -7 Navy (at East Rutherford, NJ)
IOWA -5.5 Wisconsin
AUBURN -6 LSU
Nebraska -5.5 OKLAHOMA STATE
MIAMI -6.5 North Carolina
ALABAMA -16.5 Tennessee
Oklahoma -3 MISSOURI
STANFORD -35 Washington State

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 7 Smart Money Picks

2010-10-15T13:43:00.005-05:00

Last week, I said this in my Northwestern vs. Purdue pick analysis: "It's time for The Professor is Just Picking This Way Because, On the Off Chance He Gets to Watch This Game, He'd Like to Cheer for Northwestern Instead of Purdue. For the record, if The Professor's Smart Money Picks continue producing medicore results, I just may pick every game this way for the rest of the season." As expected, it was another mediocre week for The Professor with a 7-7-1 record, including a winning lock.

Now, staying true to my word, I'd like to announce that for each game this week, I'll be picking the team that I want to win and/or cover. I used this strategy in two games last week and went 0-2, so I can't do much worse. If this tactic works this week, I'll stick to it for week 8. If not, it's back to the postulates, theorems and calls to all of The Professor's many contacts in the college football world.

So, without further ado, sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and enjoy the lecture, for these are The Professor's Smart Money Picks, (The Professor is Just Picking This Way Because, On the Off Chance He Gets to Watch This Game, He'd Like to Cheer for Team X Instead of Team Y edition), brought to you by the City of Chanhassen.

INDIANA -10.5 Arkansas State
How can you cheer against Indiana? What's there to hate? On the same token, how can you cheer for Arkansas State? Sure, they're not hateable, but they're also completely and utterly irrelevant. In a battle of reative irrelevancy, The Professor likes the Hoosiers.

#11 MICHIGAN ST. -7 Illinois
I don't dislike Illinois and I don't really like Michigan State, but the Spartans have grown on me over the season with the Dantonio heart angle, their fun-to-watch offense and their back-to-back wins over Bucky and Michigan. Meanwhile, there's the Ron Zook Postulate and the fact that Tim Brewster played at Illinois. Go Sparty.

Pittsburgh -1 SYRACUSE
In a tight battle, but my love of the 'stache beats my love of Otto the Orange. Plus, Syracuse plays in the godforsaken Carrier Dome - a facility that, ironically, does not have air conditioning despite being named for an HVAC manufacturer, much like Mankato State's Midwest Wireless Civic Center and its absence of wireless internet.

PURDUE -5 Minnesota
What, you ask, is The Professor doing picking against his beloved Gophers? What would make him put his allegiance behind a pedestrian Purdue squad? Simple, my friends. This report from 1500 ESPN. Now, The Professor knows that it is inevitable that the Tim Brewster era is essentially over, win or not this weekend. But, from where I sit, the sooner Dinkytown and Stadium Village (now with stadium!) rids itself of the used car salesman masquerading as Big Ten football coach, the better. I know many will argue that canning a coach at midseason can do more harm than good to a program; that it sends a message of instability to all possible replacements. Some will argue that recruiting will be hurt and that the school runs the risk of the players mailing in the rest of the season after they're saddled with a lame duck or interim coach. All good points. My take: I DON'T CARE. Nothing would make me happier as a Gopher fan than to see Brewster go. Unless I'm suffering from a severe case of revisionist history, I was never a fan of Brewster and his braggadocio. From the leak of his name as Glen Mason's successor, to his first press conference, to every time he opened his mouth after being hired, to his 1-11 2007 season, to his 15-29 overall record, to his 6-20 Big Ten mark, to his 0-9 mark in rivalry games, to his "light years" quote and everything in between, The Professor has wanted Tim Brewster gone. I can't believe an athletic director of a Big Ten institution bought into the crap Brewster was selling. It reminds me of something Gopher wrestling coach J Robinson once told me: "You can't put perfume in a bucket of manure and expect me to buy it." And that just about sums up the Tim Brewster era. Enjoy West Lafayette, Tim. And while you're there, maybe you can get your old job back at Central Catholic High School.

RUTGERS -7 Army (Service GOW)
On, brave old Army team!
On to the fray.
Fight on to victory
For that's the fearless Army way.

NOTRE DAME -24 Western Michigan
The Professor is an avowed Notre Dame hater, so this is a real easy pick this week. Plus, I've been to Grand Rapids, Mich. - the home of WMU - and thought it was a nice town. Reason enough, I say.

#14 Iowa -3 #24 MICHIGAN
Who hates Iowa? The Professor hates Iowa. (Note: The Professor also hates Michigan, just not as much as Iowa...thus the pick.)

#4 NEBRASKA -9.5 Texas
DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It's The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University! Methinks the Huskers will be playing a tad angry here what with the kick-to-the-nuts result of last year's Big 12 title game and the preferential treatment the Horns have received over the years in the conference. This is likely Nebraska's last chance to send a giant eff-you to Texas and the powers-that-be in the Big 12 conference office as the Big Red Machine moves onto the Big 10+2, and I think they'll do just that.

#7 AUBURN -3.5 #13 Arkansas
It's a heckuva lot more fun to say, "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! PIG! SOOIE!" than it is to say "War Eagle!"

#12 South Carolina -4.5 KENTUCKY
By no means am I pulling for South Carolina because I'm a fan of the Gamecocks or Steve Spurrier. I'd just like to see a team win the SEC this season that doesn't involve Nick Saban.

#1 Ohio State -3.5 #16 WISCONSIN
Easy, easy pick for The Professor here. There's the schadenfreude angle. The "I want to see a Big Ten team win it all this season" angle. The "What has Wisco done this season to show that they're capable of upsetting the vaunted Buckeyes?" angle. And that hateable "Teach Me How To Bucky" video that surfaced on the interwebs angle (I urge you not to watch this. Instead, check out the series of "Goldy Did It!" YouTube videos). Go Bucks.

#3 Boise State -40.5 SAN JOSE STATE
Sure, I hate the Broncos' Smurf Turf and I love SJSU's old media guide covers, but this game is in San Jose and the Spartans' media guide cover looks like everyone else's now. That's a push, but I'm 3-1 when picking Boise State this year and always love a good rout.

#8 ALABAMA -20.5 Mississippi (RTT GOW)
Under normal circumstances, I love to cheer against the Tide and their hateable head coach, but Ole Miss just chose a black bear for their mascot and that just makes no sense to me. Roll! Tide! Turkey!

WASHINGTON -2 Oregon State
It's The Host's Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game.

#21 Nevada -6.5 HAWAII
I've never been to Hawaii and that makes me sad and angry. I have been to Nevada and that makes me a person who has been to Nevada. And that's the rationale I'm using for this pick.

Thus concludes The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen.

2010 Pick 'Em Corner Standings - Total Points
1. The Cornerman 45-45-3 (57 pts.)
2. KCKCKCK 50-40-3 (56)
3. The Veteran 47-43-3 (55)
4. Special G 50-40-3 (54)
5. The Host 45-45-3 (53)
6. Steve Stellar 50-40-3 (52)
7. The Professor 47-43-3 (51)
8. Strickly Cash 41-49-3 (45)
9. Foreman's Forecast 40-50-3 (44)
10. Money Traen 35-40-3 (37)
11. Miss Money 28-48-1 (32)
12. C-Noth 22-39-2 (26)
13. Vose 24-22-2 (24)
14. autoMATTic 12-17-1 (12)
15. Lockrem's Locks 9-6-0 (9)

2010 Pick 'Em Corner Standings - Points Per Week (Locks)
1. The Cornerman 9.5 (6-0)
2. KCKCKCK 9.3 (3-3)
3. The Veteran 9.1 (4-2)
4. Special G 9.0 (2-4)
4. Lockrem's Locks 9.0 (0-1)
6. The Host 8.8 (4-2)
7. Steve Stellar 8.6 (1-5)
8. The Professor 8.5 (2-4)
9. Vose 8.0 (0-3)
10. Strickly Cash 7.5 (2-4)
11. Money Traen 7.4 (1-4)
12. Foreman's Forecast 7.3 (2-4)
13. C-Noth 6.5 (2-2)
14. Miss Money 6.4 (2-3)
15. autoMATTic 6.0 (0-2)

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 6 Smart Money Picks

2010-10-08T14:17:00.003-05:00

On behalf of the City of Chanhassen, The Professor would like to thank Pick 'Em Corner for returning to Buffalo Wild Wings Chanhassen for the first show of the season. It was a great show and will soon by available via podcast once The Host uploads the audio from his stolen recorder.

Pick 'Em Corner returns to the online-only world this week, which means we won't be seeing The Professor do the Chief Illiniwek dance, a live look-in to Camp Basra thanks to a satellite link provided by the Armed Forces Network, the flummoxed autoMATTic trying to come up with something witty while making his picks or the strange looks the Pick 'Em Corner panel receives from fellow BWW customers. Going back online also assures that autoMATTic will refuse to make any picks.

Without further ado, sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and enjoy the lecture, for these are The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by the City of Chanhassen.

#2 OHIO ST -21.5 Indiana
There's no question that the Buckeyes will win this game, but a nicked-up Terrelle Pryor combined with a decent Hoosier offense equals an Indiana cover. Plus, it's just so much more fun to cheer for Indiana than OSU.

PENN ST -7.5 Illinois
The Professor is virtually doing the Chief Illiniwek dance. It worked last week, so I thought I'd go back to the culturally-insensitive well once again. Plus, it's just so much more fun to cheer for Illinois than PSU.

#19 WISCONSIN -21.5 Minnesota
The Tim Brewster Farewell Tour makes its first stop of the season as Gopher Nation invades Madison. The Badgers are better than the Gophers in just about...no, in every way, so why am I siding with the Gophers? The quick and easy answer is, of course, schadenfreude. Obviously, this game is the Schadenfreude Super Bowl for The Professor. A Minnesota win would be great for this tortured Gopher fan, but a loss by Bucky would make it fell all the better. I have absolutely zero faith that Brewster will be able to pull off the miracle here, but this is an incredibly desperate team that will keep this game close. As much as the numbers tell me to invoke the Tim Brewster Theorem, my heart just won't let me do it. In fact, I'm going to do something the theorem says I should never do: DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It's The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University!

NOTRE DAME -6 Pittsburgh
The rout of Boston College got the Irish on track after a rough several weeks. There's just not enough 'stache power to overcome Notre Dame. And that's as much analysis I'm going to do for a game I really don't give a rat's ass about.

NORTH CAROLINA -2.5 Clemson
Speaking of games I don't give a rat's ass about, it's The Host's Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game.

#17 MICHIGAN -4.5 #16 Michigan State
Stay far, far away from this game, Professor's Pupils. There are just far too many contrasting areas to adequately get a good guage on this game. First, Michigan. The Wolverines have a terrific offense paced by who The Professor thinks should be the runaway favorite right now for the Heisman. On the other hand, Michigan owns the 10th-ranked scoring defense, 11th-ranked pass defense and seventh-ranked rush defense. Now, Michigan State. The Spartans also have a terrific offense paced by a stable of good running backs and a veteran QB. On the other hand, MSU ranks last in third-down conversions and penalties, 10th in sacks allowed, and ninth in pass defense and sacks. So, why is The Professor picking the Spartans? Ummm. Erm. Well, how about this: Mark Dantonio returns to the sidelines, providing Sparty with just enough lift to get by Michigan?

#1 Alabama -6.5 #20 SOUTH CAROLINA (RTT Game)
I'll be honest. I'm basically just picking the Tide here because it's what I do in the Roll Tide Turkey Game of the Week. It's led me to a 4-1 mark so far, so I'm not changing. I'm also contractually obligated through my agreement with The Host to say, "ROLL! TIDE! TURKEY!"

#13 Arkansas -6 TEXAS A&M
This smells like a trap, but The Professor doesn't believe in traps, so...WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! PIG! SOOIE!

Navy -5.5 WAKE FOREST (Service Game)
Navy has been a huge disappointment this season, but that doesn't matter in The Professor's Service Academy Game of the Week (SAGoW), brought to you by Armed Forces Network. Anchors Aweigh, my boys, Anchors Aweigh!

#10 Utah -6 IOWA STATE
The sentimental side of The Professor wants to pick the Cyclones as Iowa State is my dad's alma mater, but the professorly side of me says the Cyclones have no chance of keeping the Utes in check.

#12 FLORIDA -7 lsu
Why, oh why, does LSU keep getting respect from the oddsmakers? Sure, they're undefeated, but it's been anything but impressive, including last week's "thrilling" 16-14 win at home over Tennessee. Take the Gators.

#25 NORTHWESTERN -10 Purdue
It's time for The Professor is Just Picking This Way Because, On the Off Chance He Gets to Watch This Game, He'd Like to Cheer for Northwestern Instead of Purdue. For the record, if The Professor's Smart Money Picks continue producing medicore results, I just may pick every game this way for the rest of the season.

#18 STANFORD -10 usc
See Northwestern-Purdue pick.

#4 BOISE STATE -39 Toledo
[Insert analysis here]

#14 MIAMI -6.5 Florida State
This one's for you, Steve Stellar.

Thus concludes The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen.

2010 Pick 'Em Corner Standings - Total Points
1. The Host 42-34-2 (50 pts.)
2. KCKCKCK 43-33-2 (49)
3. The Cornerman 38-38-2 (48)
4. Special G 41-35-2 (45)
5. Steve Stellar 42-34-2 (44)
5. The Veteran 38-38-2 (44)
7. The Professor 40-36-2 (42)
8. Strickly Cash 35-41-2 (37)
9. Foreman's Forecast 32-44-2 (34)
10. Money Traen 30-31-2 (32)
11. Miss Money 22-40-0 (26)
11. C-Noth 22-39-2 (26)
13. Vose 24-22-2 (24)
14. Lockrem's Locks 9-6-0 (9)
15. autoMATTic 7-8-0 (7)

2010 Pick 'Em Corner Standings - Points Per Week (Locks)
1. The Host 10.0 (4-1)
2. KCKCKCK 9.8 (3-2)
3. The Cornerman 9.6 (5-0)
4. Special G 9.0 (2-3)
4. Lockrem's Locks 9.0 (0-1)
5. Steve Stellar 8.8 (1-4)
5. The Veteran 8.8 (3-2)
7. The Professor 8.4 (1-4)
8. Vose 8.0 (0-3)
8. Money Traen 8.0 (1-3)
10. Strickly Cash 7.4 (1-4)
11. autoMATTic 7.0 (0-1)
12. Foreman's Forecast 6.8 (1-4)
13. Miss Money 6.5 (2-2)
13. C-Noth 6.5 (2-2)

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 5 Smart Money Picks

2010-10-01T14:13:00.000-05:00

The Professor's Smart Money Picks were presented live on Pick 'Em Corner from Buffalo Wild Wings in Chanhassen.

Northwestern -5.5 MINNESOTA
#17 Miami -3.5 CLEMSON
#2 Ohio State -17 ILLINOIS
Virginia Tech -4 NC STATE
AIR FORCE -10 Navy (Service GOW)
#19 Michigan -10 INDIANA
#8 Oklahoma -3.5 #16 Texas (Played in Dallas)
#9 Wisconsin -2 #21 MICHIGAN STATE
Texas Tech -7 IOWA STATE
Georgia -5 COLORADO ***LOCK***
#1 ALABAMA -9 #7 Florida
Notre Dame -2.5 BOSTON COLLEGE
#4 OREGON -7 #13 Stanford
#3 Boise State -42.5 New Mexico State
#18 IOWA -7 #20 Penn State

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 4 Smart Money Picks

2010-09-24T12:04:00.006-05:00

The Professor learned his lesson last week. Never, ever criticize Steve Stellar and Special G. The karmic retribution will come back to bite you. Nice work, Stellar and G.

I'd heap praise on KCKCKCK after an 11-point weekend, but he decided to rub my nose in my subpar week at the same time boasting of him enjoying cold beverages and chicken wings from a Wrigley Field suite during the Dave Matthews Band concert. Somehow, karma gives KCKCKCK a free pass for all of his arrogance and braggadocio, while The Professor gets chastised for a few choice words for all-around good guys like Steve Stellar and Special G. The only thing I can come up with is that karma is being nice to my esteemed colleague in Chicago as he will be turning the magical age of 40 in early November (Happy Birthday, KCKCKCK shirts now available for pre-ordering from The Cornerman). Karma apparently is more friendly to those of advancing age. Then again, C-Noth is 17-27-2.

The Professor is still crunching the numbers to figure out his awful showing in the Service Academy Games of the Week, sponsored by Armed Forces Network (0-3) and his subpar performance in The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University (1-2). Sometimes, there is just no explanation for phenomena in the Pick 'em Corner world. How else to explain noted college football enthusiast LFK's average of 6.3 points per week in Pick 'em Corner. It just makes no sense.

On to week 4, also known as Glen Mason Memorial Cupcake Week, brought to you by PPI Sports. Sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and enjoy the lecture, for these are The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by the City of Chanhassen.

NORTHWESTERN -6.5 Central Michigan
Cupcake Week opens with admittedly non-cupcake game, at least by this week's standard. Central Michigan is a decent MAC team coming off a 52-14 win over Eastern Michigan. Of course, The Host with his jacked-up spine, Miss Money with her lack of athleticism, KCKCKCK with his surgically-repaired ticker, Lockrem's Locks and seven of their friends could probably put up at least 35 on EMU, so that result says nothing. Northwestern has a good thing going here with a chance to go 4-0 in the nonconference season and realistically look forward to a 6-0 mark with Minnesota and Purdue up next. There's just no way PatFitz lets the Cats have a letdown against the CMU [redacteds].

#23 MICHIGAN ST -25 Northern Colorado
This is the sort of game PPI Sports was looking for when they sponsored Cupcake Week. Some may say the Spartans are due for a letdown after last week's crazy win over Notre Dame. They may say MSU will overlook the Bears with Wisconsin looming the following week. They may also say the distraction of Mark Dantonio's heart attack will take its toll. They are all wrong. An overtime win over the Irish just motivated this team. Overlooking a team is a thing of the past as FCS teams have already posted six wins agains their FBS counterparts. And expect the Spartans to rally around their head coach with an inspiring effort. It all adds up to a big win for Sparty.

#22 MICHIGAN -25.5 Bowling Green
Ok, so Bowling Green is without their starting quarterback and the Falcons pass rush is listed by the NCAA Stats Service as 'sucks'. And yes, Denard Robinson will run roughshod over the BGSU D. All that being said, Falcon backup QB Aaron Pankratz has the size (6-6, 221) and throwing ability to torch a Michigan defense that was doing its best to make UMass look like App State. Of course, Michigan wins, but BGSU has too much firepower to get blown out.

#10 WISCONSIN -33 Austin Peay
Schadenfreude 3, Wisconsin 0. Three weeks. Three games where Bucky has failed to cover. C'mon Austin Peay, make like Cal Poly and give me another dose of Wisco-themed schadenfreude this week.

#18 IOWA -28 Ball State
Here's my rationale for this pick: Liberty 27, Ball State 23. Yes, that rationale backfired last week as Ball State hung in there with Purdue, but that was Purdue. Now the Cardinals are facing an ornery and motivated Iowa team that will be hurling the ball all over the field to protect its depleted backfield. Yes, it's INT-prone Ricky Stanzi throwing the ball, but still: Liberty 27, Ball State 23.

PURDUE -11.5 Toledo
A sucktastic Purdue offense + a craptacular Toledo offense = u-g-l-y, you ain't got no alibi. You ugly.

DUKE -6.5 Army (Service GOW)
Army alumni: Ulysses S. Grant, Dwight D. Eisenhower, George Patton, Douglas MacArthur. Duke alumni: Richard Nixon, Elizabeth Dole, Ron Paul, Jim Lehrer. I think I'll take my chances with the Corps of Cadets.

The Army team's the pride and dream
Of every heart in gray.
The Army line you'll ever find
A terror in the fray.
And when the team is fighting
For the Black and Gray and Gold,
We're always near with song and cheer
And this is the tale we're told:

On, brave old Army team!
On to the fray.
Fight on to victory
For that's the fearless Army way.

#17 Stanford -4.5 NOTRE DAME
Sports radio hosts are, as a rule, buffoons. Matt Patrick, morning drive host on 95.3 MNC Michiana Sporting News, made a complete ass of himself for saying that Mark Dantonio's heart attack was retribution from God for Michigan State pulling the Little Giants play on Patrick's beloved Fighting Irish last week. Stay classy, Matt. Expect retribution in the form of a resounding win by a team that has a tree for a mascot.

#2 OHIO STATE -44 Eastern Michigan
Ohio State is one of the only top 10 teams in the nation that doesn't actively try to run up the score. That being said, Eastern Michigan has allowed 111 points in its first three games. The Bucks won't be able to stop themselves from running up the score. If Urban Meyer was pacing the OSU sidelines, he just might try for triple digits on the scoreboard. Sweater Vest won't let that happen, but it's not like he's going to tell his players to drop the ball on purpose as they reach the end zone time after time.

#20 PENN STATE -13.5 Temple
In the interest of karma, I'm going to turn this pick over to noted Penn State enthusiast and fellow Pick 'em Corner panelist LFK. Take it away. "Thanks, 'fessor. Great to be here. IF MY NITS DON'T EFFING WIN THIS GAME BY 28 OR MORE, I'M GOING TO RIP THE FAUX CHIMNEY OFF OF MY TOWNHOUSE, CORNERMAN'S WISHES BE DAMNED! WE HAVEN'T LOST TO EFFING TEMPLE SINCE JOEPA WAS 14 YEARS OLD! 14, FOR GOD'S SAKE! THAT WAS BEFORE THE GERMANS BOMBED PEARL HARBOR! ON TOP OF THAT, 1985 WAS THE LAST TIME TEMPLE LOST BY FEWER THAN 13 POINTS! YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I'M PICKING PENN STATE TO WIN! EFF YOU, AL GOLDEN." Thanks, LFK. Love the passion. Like the pick. Go Nits.

#1 Alabama -7 #11 ARKANSAS
Three weeks of picking Alabama haven't let me down, so I'm not going to stop. As much as I enjoy saying, "Woo! Pig! Sooey!", Pick 'em Corner wouldn't be what it is (a colossal inside joke between a bunch of degenerates who need better social lives) without "ROLL! TIDE! TURKEY!

#7 NEBRASKA -26 South Dakota St.
DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It's The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University! Oh how The Professor loves when The Host sets the spread.

INDIANA -22.5 Akron
Hoosiers. Zips. You want excitement? You got it in the nonconference portion of the Indiana schedule. Two weeks of picking Indiana in their march through Cupcakeville have yielded victories for The Professor. What makes you think I'll do anything different here?

#14 AUBURN -3 #15 South Carolina
It's The Host's Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game.

#3 BOISE STATE -18.5 Oregon State
Oregon State prepared for this game by painting their practice field blue. That reeks of a team coming in scared. Have some confidence, Beavers, for crying out loud. Who cares if the field is blue? What possible difference does it make? Do you really think covering your practice field with blue paint is going to get your team ready for Boise State? No, it won't. You've already lost if that's your plan for preparing your squad. Meanwhile, this is the last chance for the Broncos to prove to the BCS that they belong amongst the big boys. They're not going to let a team that thinks field color is a primary factor come into their house and stay within three TDs. Take the Smurf Turf.

MINNESOTA -4 Northern Illinois
Desperation can lead to amazing results. Exhibit A: Strickly Cash's desperate attempts to leave his job in Minnesota resulted in a cushy position molding the youth of Wisconsin. Exhibit B: Special G's desperate quest to join Pick 'em Corner resulted in him holding the top spot in the standings in only his second year on the panel. And Exhibit C: The Professor's desperate search for a girlfriend/wife resulted in him far outkicking his coverage with a woman who finds Pick 'em Corner the most idiotic waste of time on the planet...and who's to say she's wrong. You see, desperation can be a vital tool in getting what you want. Tim Brewster knows this. Publicly, he's not claiming desperation and calling this game as a must-win, but in the locker room he's been on his hands and knees pleading with his team to win one for the Brew. He can see his future as a tight ends coach for the Montreal Alouettes. Of course, he just ran off one of his most talented players and there are rumors of a pending revolt in the locker room, so all bets are off. Still, when coaching fails (and it has), performance lacks (and it has) and your own administration is giving you half-hearted endorsements (and it has), desperation is all you've got. As Strickly Cash, Special G and The Professor can attest, sometimes desperation can lead to amazing results.

#12 LSU -10 #21 West Virginia
Saturday night in Baton Rouge is always a circus, so LSU looks to be the pick here. However, the Tiger offense stinks and West Virginia is certainly no cupcake. The LSU defense is very good, but they haven't faced a back like Noel Devine. Expect a tight game here, but keep your money in your pocket for this one as there's no telling what can happen at night at Tiger Stadium.

Thus concludes The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen.

2010 Pick 'Em Corner Standings - Total Points
1. Special G 30-14-2 (34 pts.)
2. KCKCKCK 27-17-2 (31)
3. The Host 24-20-2 (30)
4. Steve Stellar 28-16-2 (28)
5. The Professor 25-19-2 (27)
6. Strickly Cash 24-20-2 (26)
6. The Cornerman 20-24-2 (26)
8. Money Traen 23-21-2 (25)
9. The Veteran 22-22-2 (24)
10. C-Noth 17-27-2 (21)
11. LFK 19-25-2 (19)
12. Miss Money 11-19-0 (15)
13. Vose 9-5-2 (9)
14. autoMATTic 0-0-0 (0)
14. Lockrem's Locks 0-0-0 (0)

2010 Pick 'Em Corner Standings - Points Per Week (Locks)
1. Special G 11.3 (2-1)
2. KCKCKCK 10.3 (2-1)
3. The Host 10.5 (3-0)
4. Steve Stellar 9.3 (0-3)
5. The Professor 9.0 (1-2)
5. Vose 9.0 (0-1)
7. The Cornerman 8.6 (3-0
7. Strickly Cash 8.6 (1-2)
9. Money Traen 8.3 (1-2)
10. The Veteran 8.0 (1-2)
11. Miss Money 7.5 (2-0)
12. C-Noth 7.0 (2-1)
13. LFK 6.3 (0-3)
14. autoMATTic 0.0 (0-0)
14. Lockrem's Locks 0.0 (0-0)

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 3 Smart Money Picks

2010-09-16T14:31:00.003-05:00

The Professor would like to apologize for failing to show up last week for his lecture at Pick 'Em Corner. The Professor's Pupils deserve better. Then again, perhaps it was foreshadowing as The Professor's favorite college football team also failed to show up last week.

On to week 3 at Pick 'Em Corner. Special G (why is he called that, by the way?) has stormed out of the gate with a 20-9-2 picks record through two weeks. Expect that to come crashing down this week as overconfidence has set in. According to a source inside the Gopher Athletic Communications office - let's call her S. Berhow...no, no...that's too obvious...let's call her Sara B. - Special G has been impossible to deal with this week at his palatial estate in Rosemount. Sara B. says that Special G is demanding she refer to him as Special G and that he is close to losing his day job at Circuit City as his supervisors are getting tired of his boasting of just how good of a handicapper he is.

Also of note through two weeks is Steve Stellar's 1-11-1 record on locks since the start of the 2009 season; LFK's six-point outing last week - the lowest point total for a Penn State alum since The Cornerman put up four points in 2009's Week 6; Miss Money, in her 2010 debut, picking South Dakota as her lock; and autoMATTic and Lockrem's Locks failing to provide picks for the second straight week.

The Professor, meanwhile, just keeps successfully educating his Pupils with back-to-back 10-point weeks. Sure, I missed on my lock, but The Professor isn't perfect. No, he's just 10-3 on his locks since the start of the 2009 season. Special G may look strong now, and The Host and KCKCKCK have shown they haven't lost a step despite increasing senility, but if you're looking for consistency, look no further than the two-time defending Pick 'Em Corner Big Ten Regular Season Handicapping Champion...The Professor.

Without further ado, sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and enjoy the lecture, for these are The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by the City of Chanhassen.

#19 GEORGIA -2.5 #15 Arkansas
Meh. It's a game between two SEC also-rans. The Professor doesn't claim to be an SEC expert by any means. Unlike most of my colleagues in the SEC, I don't look at my cousins as potential lovers and I don't have a general mistrust of anyone from north of the Mason-Dixon Line. That being said, I do have some quality contacts in the south. Contacts like former Arkansas coach Lou Holtz. Lou went on a rant on just how much he despises the smug Mark May before giving me a spittle bath when he said, "Woooooo! Pig! Sooie!" Love the passion, Lou. Go Hogs.

MICHIGAN -29 Massachusetts
Some experts out there will tell you to expect a short day for Michigan QB Denard Robinson after a pair of back-to-back weeks. They'll cite his 430 yards on 62 attempts in just two games as a reason why RichRod will look to rest his suddenly Heisman hopeful signal caller. They'll say Michigan needs to limit Robinson's carries to save him for the Big Ten season. They're wrong. RichRod is trying to bring Michigan back to prominence, in addition to trying to restore his reputation, and Robinson is his golden child. Also, since when did the Michigan staff care about resting their players? (See: NCAA violations for excessive practices) Go Blue.

#2 OHIO STATE -30.5 Ohio
The Professor knows absolutely nothing about Ohio aside from their respected sports management school and their shocking 2000 win over the Goof Troop. Do the Bobcats still run the quirky offense that befuddled Glen Mason and Friends at the Metrodome? Anyone? It really doesn't matter. The Buckeye defense could certainly pitch a shutout here and Terrelle Pryor and the OSU offense are getting better each week. Go Bucks.

#14 PENN STATE -21 Kent State
The Professor would defer this game's analysis to Penn State alum and fellow Pick 'Em Corner panelist LFK, but she is still frothing at the mouth for the performance the Fighting Keisers put forth last week at 'Bama. Also, LFK had a six-point week as noted above. I then tried talking to the panel's other PSU alum, The Cornerman, but all I got was hyperbole and exaggeration. Instead, I talked to noted Big Ten blogger Adam Rittenberg. He told me to expect a big day from Nits running back Evan Royster to the tune of 140 yards. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. The Golden Flashes own the nation's top-ranked run defense and the Penn State offense is far from a fine-tuned unit. Of course, the Fighting Keisers will win, but as Lee Corso says, "Closer than the experts think." Go Flashes.

ILLINOIS -7 No. Illinois
As explained in the syllabus in week 1, The Professor uses a mathematical process he created to decide games involving Illinois. The Ron Zook Postulate states that any game involving noted waterskiing head coach Ron Zook should be picked in favor of the Fighting Illini's opponent when the spread seems reasonable if it involved any other coach. This spread seems reasonable until you see that the NIU offense struggled to get by the North Dakota Fighting [redacteds]. That right there is enough to trump The Ron Zook Postulate. It's rare when this happens, so this is actually a game to watch. Go Fighting Wickstroms.

PURDUE -17 Ball State
Here's my rationale for this pick: Liberty 27, Ball State 23. Boiler Up.

#18 FLORIDA ST. -10 #24 byu
It's the 2010 season debut of the Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game, brought to you by The Host and RO*TEL. As a rule, no analysis is provided for the DAOLTTIACABTG?G.

usc -12 MINNESOTA
Hoo boy, where to start? I know. DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It's The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University! A word to The Professor's Pupils here: Any of my fellow panelists who do not pick USC and fail to make this their lock of the week cannot be trusted. Kudos to Vose (where is his catchy nickname, Host?) for seeing the light here. There are so many ways to go with this one, but coaching is the most obvious. As evidenced in the attached photo, coaching has been just a slight issue for the Gophers. Sure, Timmy B has had this game circled on his calendar for some time, but circle or not, Brew can't coach his way out of a wet paper bag. I am sick and tired of hearing about the increase in talent in the Gopher program since Brewster arrived. This actual Brewster comment makes my want to hurl: "The team we have on the field today ... is light years ahead of where we were three years ago. Light years." If that quote isn't enough of a justification to fire Brewster, I don't know what is. I mean, Brewster is basically saying, "Look at all the talent we have on this team now. Look at all the raw athleticism and football ability that I have brought in over the past three years. Of course, we don't know the first thing about how to actually coach these more talented players. The previous staff was filled with qualified coaches who could coax as much as possible out of that limited talent. Us? Not so much. Light years." Meanwhile, on the other sideline, we have hometown boy Lane Kiffin. Passed over for the job that Brewster got, Kiffin says he harbors no ill will toward the Minnesota program and revenge won't play a role in this game. Pardon me while I guffaw and call BS. Kiffin is a world class douchebag who would like nothing more than to rub Joel Maturi's nose in his godawful decision to hire a used car salesman as head football coach. Don't believe a word Kiffin says. This game is personal for him and unlike his counterpart across the field, his program actually has coaches who know how to coach. Oh, and the team USC has on the field today is light years ahead of where Minnesota will ever be. Light years. Go Trojans.

#1 Alabama -23 DUKE (RTT GOW)
Let me get this straight. Alabama beats up on San Jose State and the Fighting Keisers to the tune of a combined score of 72-6. Meanwhile, Duke loses 54-48 to Wake Forest a week after allowing 27 points to something called Elon. And I'm supposed to expect the Dukies to stay within 23 of the Tide? This has trap written all over it, but I'm not going to bite. Alabama is far too good on both sides of the ball and Duke is far too Duke. Roll. Tide. Turkey.

#7 OKLAHOMA -17.5 Air Force (SERVICE GOW)
Contractually, I'm obligated to pick the service academy in The Professor's Service Academy Game of the Week (SAGoW), brought to you by Armed Forces Network. However, the contract also states that when the service academy goes loses back-to-back weeks agains the spread as Navy and Army have done to start the season, The Professor is given carte blanche for the SAGoW. We all know The Professor enjoys singing the fight songs for the service academies each week. They're so catchy. Much better than when The Host sings that annoying Ramblin' Wreck diddy during Georgia Tech games. Now, as you see, I'm going against my trend and picking the non-service academy here. So, no singing, right? Wrong. Teeks, this is for you. "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-klahoma, where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain!"

#11 WISCONSIN -14 Arizona State
Schadenfreude 2, Wisconsin 0. That's right. Two weeks. Two games where Bucky has failed to cover. Now, I know I'm slightly misusing the term "schadenfreude" here as Wisco has won both games, but as a long-suffering Gopher fan, I have to take Badger failings where I can get them. Devils!

Indiana -12 WESTERN KENTUCKY
Hoosiers. Hilltoppers. You want excitement? You got it in the nonconference portion of the Indiana schedule.

Northwestern -6.5 RICE
Look! Another Northwestern game against a fellow acclaimed academic institution! Catch the fever!

MICHIGAN ST -3.5 Notre Dame
Stay far, far away from this game. This one is really a crapshoot. The oddsmakers are basically throwing their hands up here and just giving the Spartans the nod with the home field advantage. This game has shootout written all over it. Both defenses are suspect and both offenses can be dangerous. In a game like this, trying to crunch the numbers won't help. It's paralysis by analysis. So, how to pick? With your heart, that's how. And my heart has no place for the Irish (the football team, not the people). Go Sparty.

#10 Iowa -1.5 #23 ARIZONA
I really think this is the Big Ten's year. Ohio State looks to be a bona fide national title contender. Wisconsin is capable of another 10-win season. Michigan looks to be regaining its place among the conference elite. Michigan State is a dangerous team just waiting to get over the hump. Penn State is still Penn State despite their scared performance at Alabama. Northwestern always gets better as the year goes on. And Iowa is as solid a team as you'll find in the country. Let's just forget about Indiana, Illinois, Purdue and Minnesota, shall we? Meanwhile, the Pac-10 will claim they're as strong and deep as ever with four teams in the top 25. Poppycock, I say. While the SEC calls the Big Ten is slow, the Big Ten can call the Pac-10 soft. And soft is what a very good Arizona team will look like against a prototypical Big Ten team in Iowa. The Wildcats have a great offense, but the Iowa defense is just too good to let Arizona light up the field and scoreboard. Meanwhile, Arizona's defense is somewhat inexperienced, while Iowa's offense will just wear you down with the tried-and-true "three yards and a cloud of dust" strategy that has carried the Big Ten for years. Take the Hawkeyes in what promises to be the game of the week.

Thus concludes The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen.

2010 Pick 'Em Corner Standings - Total Points
1. Special G 20-9-2 (24 pts.)
2. The Host 17-12-2 (21)
3. The Professor 18-11-2 (20)
3. KCKCKCK 18-11-2 (20)
5. Steve Stellar 19-10-2 (19)
6. The Veteran 16-13-2 (18)
6. Strickly Cash 16-13-2 (18)
6. The Cornerman 14-15-2 (18)
9. C-Noth 10-19-2 (14)
10. LFK 13-16-2 (13)
11. Vose 9-5-2 (9)
12. Miss Money 6-9-0 (8)
12. Money Traen 6-8-2 (8)

2010 Pick 'Em Corner Standings - Points Per Week (Locks)
1. Special G 12.0 (2-0)
2. The Host 10.5 (2-0)
3. The Professor 10.0 (1-1)
3. KCKCKCK 10.0 (1-1)
5. Steve Stellar 9.5 (0-2)
6. The Veteran 9.0 (1-1)
6. Strickly Cash 9.0 (1-1)
6. The Cornerman 9.0 (2-0
6. Vose 9.0 (0-1)
10. Miss Money 8.0 (1-0)
10. Money Traen 8.0 (1-0)
12. C-Noth 7.0 (2-0)
13. LFK 6.5 (0-2)

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 2 Smart Money Picks

2010-09-10T14:28:00.001-05:00

Unfortunately, there's no time for my breakdowns this week. Here's my Smart Money Picks:

NORTHWESTERN -16 Illinois State
#12 WISCONSIN -38 San Jose State
Michigan State -28 FLA ATLANTIC
PURDUE -21 Western Illinois
MINNESOTA -22.5 South Dakota
SO. CAROLINA -3 Georgia
ARMY -3 Hawaii (Service GOW)
CAL -10 Colorado
#8 OKLAHOMA -7 Florida State
#10 IOWA -13.5 Iowa State
NOTRE DAME -3.5 Michigan
#2 OHIO STATE -8 #13 Miami (FL)
#1 ALABAMA -12 #14 Penn State (RTT GOW)
ILLINOIS -22 Southern Illinois ***LOCK***
#11 Oregon -11.5 TENNESSEE

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 1 Smart Money Picks

2010-09-01T14:10:00.021-05:00

Quiet, everyone. Find your seats. It's time to get started. First of all, welcome back to campus. I trust you had an enjoyable offseason.

My name is The Professor. Welcome to The Professor's Smart Money Picks 101, a crucial part of the curriculum known as Pick 'Em Corner. I've been handicapping college football games for decades now and would like you to know that I am the two-time defending Pick 'Em Corner Big Ten Regular Season Handicapping Champion. Pay no mind to my predictions for games outside the Big Ten regular season.

For those of you not familiar with The Professor and my process for handicapping college football games, I've included a brief syllabus:

1. The Professor is proud to return as the presenter of The Professor's Service Academy Game of the Week (SAGoW), brought to you by Armed Forces Network.

2. The Professor ALWAYS chooses the service academy squad in the SAGoW, no matter the matchup or spread.

3. The Professor will weekly provide you with a prediction on which to place the bulk of your bankroll. This prediction will be known as The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University.

4. The Professor will do his darndest to avoid picking Wisconsin and Iowa during the season, but ridiculous betting lines may prevent him from doing so from time to time.

5. The Professor uses a mathematical process he created to decide games involving Illinois. The Ron Zook Postulate states that any game involving noted waterskiing head coach Ron Zook should be picked in favor of the Fighting Illini's opponent when the spread seems reasonable if it involved any other coach.

6. From time to time, The Professor will sponsor the Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game, brought to you by The Host and RO*TEL.

7. The Professor's colleagues in the Pick 'Em Corner curriculum include, but are not limited to, The Host, Steve Stellar, The Cornerman, KCKCKCK, The Veteran, Miss Money, autoMATTic, Strickly Cash, Money Traen, C-Noth, Lockrem's Locks and Special G. Do not trust your money to them and their picks.

8. The Professor will use Mr. Heavyfoot as the homepage for The Professor's Smart Money Picks of the Week. Given enough time and/or the hiring of a quality TA, Mr. Heavyfoot will host the Pick 'Em Corner weekly picks and standings.

9. The Professor's Smart Money Picks will be distinguished in bold. The home team is listed in ALL CAPS.

Without further ado, sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and enjoy the lecture, for these are The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by the City of Chanhassen.

INDIANA -18 Towson
We start of the season with a game near and dear to my colleague Steve Stellar's heart. You see, Stellar attended Towson University or Towson State or Towson School of the Hard of Hearing or whatever they want to be referred to as now. He'll undoubtedly put away all reason and logic and pick the Tigers to pull the upset on the road. He, of course, will be wrong. Very, very wrong. You see, Towson is picked to finish in the cellar of the Colonial Athletic Association, a league of powerhouse squads like Rhode Island, James Madison and William & Mary. I don't care if plenty of experts are picking the Hoosiers to finish below even Minnesota in the Big Ten. Big Ten cellar dwellers will always beat CAA basement teams by 18 points or more. You know what? Let's start this season off with a bang. YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR-PLUNK! It's The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University!

#2 OHIO STATE -28.5 Marshall
The Professor hemmed and hawed on this one. Of course, OSU will win and win big, but they will certainly hold something back for their week 2 tilt against Miami. On the other hand, the vaunted Buckeye defense is plenty good enough to pitch a near shutout, meaning all the offense has to do is score four touchdowns and a field goal to cover. What to do? To decide, I called Marshall's most famous alum, Randy Moss. He told me to not bother writing a check and instead lay "straight cash, homey" on the Buckeyes. Who am I to argue with a man who has made his mark as an Inta Juice entrepreneur.

Minnesota -3 MIDDLE TENN ST.
Coming off another mediocre season, Minnesota players and coaches tell us of their unbridled enthusiasm and opimism for the upcoming campaign. They tell us they "have something special" and that "this team is really hungry." It's an annual tradition here in Gopher Nation. Ever since The Professor pledged his steadfast support of the Golden Gophers many years ago, the refrain has been the same. And many years, I'd fall for it. Not this year, my friends. The Professor isn't quite ready to give up on Minny like the rest of the nation, but he's certainly not going to buy any of the hype that Timmy B and his players are trying to sell to us. Nevertheless, Minnesota is playing a Sun Belt team in Middle Tennessee State. Yes, the Raiders won 10 games last year and would love to notch a win against a BCS team, but it ain't going to happen this week. The Gophers will actually stick to Brewster's "Pound the Rock" mantra now that idiot offensive coordinator Jedd Fisch is gone, and wear down the undersized MTSU defense. It won't be pretty and it won't be a resounding Minnesota win, but a win and a cover nonetheless.

Missouri -11.5 Illinois (Played in St. Louis)
The Ron Zook Postulate rears its ugly head this season in this neutral site rivalry game. As stated in the above syllabus, The Professor is wise to pick against Illinois in this game as the Illini are coached by Ron Zook. The Postulate would certainly not apply if Illinois was being coached by pretty much anyone else (with the possible exception of Tim Brewster). The Ron Zook Postulate and the Ron Zook Farewell Tour, both in the second years, get started off with a bang as Mizzou cruises to an easy win.

#24 UTAH -3 #15 Pittsburgh
This is essentially a pick-em game with the bookies giving Utah the three-point edge based on playing at home. But The Professor asks, "Is the atmosphere at Rice-Eccles Stadium worth even three points against a quality ranked team like Pitt?" To find out, I spoke with former Utah SID and current Minnesota SID Andy Seeley. Perhaps the best of the best in the U of M Athletic Communications office, Seeley backed his former employer, choosing to support his pick in song: "The Utes and Rice-Eccles are going rock all niii-iiight, and party ev-er-ry day! " Thanks, Andy, but anyone that actually enjoys and respects the musical stylings of KISS cannot be trusted.

MICHIGAN ST. -23 Western Michigan
In the past, The Professor has turned to Judd Heathcote for breakdowns of Michigan State games, but Judd is getting a tad senile these days. So, for this game, I'm turning to another former MSU coach who has a calm and soothing demeanor - John L. Smith. Take it away, John L.

How can you argue with that kind of passion? Go Sparty.

#14 PENN STATE -30.5 Youngstown State
It's been a rough week for the Nittany Lions. No, there weren't any major injuries to key players. And, no, Joe Paterno didn't poop himself during practice. Instead, the guy who serves as the Nittany Lion mascot was charged with public drunkenness. Looking to prove that Nittany Lions are not just a bunch of drunken idiots, expect Penn State to roll over YSU.

#10 IOWA -32 Eastern Illinois
Statistic time: In openers from 2001 to 2008, the Hawkeyes went 8-0 winning by a combined score of 317 to 44 or an average of 39.6 to 5.5. The Professor likes numbers and the numbers say "expect a rout."

MICHIGAN -3 Connecticut
Turns out, those extra practices really didn't help the Wolverines at all.

NOTRE DAME -11 Purdue
The Professor hates Notre Dame with a passion. There's just so much to hate. The arrogance even though the program has absolutely sucked for so many years. The NBC broadcast lovefests. Lou Holtz's lisp. Rudy. The BCS exemption. That stupid leprechaun. It's enough to make The Professor want to say:

#1 ALABAMA -37 San Jose State (Roll Tide Turkey GOW)
I bet against Alabama too many times last season and lost. Not this year. Not this week. Even without Mark Ingram, the Tide will roll over San Jose State. Say it with me now, ROLL! TIDE! TURKEY! What does that even mean, by the way?

Northwestern -5.5 VANDERBILT
There's nothing quite like an early-season Big Ten vs. SEC match-up to really get a barometer on conference supremacy. Oh. It's Northwestern-Vanderbilt. Never mind. Go Cats, I guess.

#7 TCU -13.5 #22 Oregon State
How can you pick against a team that just recently had the college football arrest of the year? You can't. Also, 13.5 points are an awful lot to give a fellow ranked team.

#12 Wisconsin -20.5 UNLV
It's time for The Professor's weekly lecture on the concept of schadenfreude, defined as "satisfaction or pleasure felt at someone else's misfortune." Nothing explains The Professor's feelings about the University of Wisconsin better then schadenfreude. To wit, when the Big Ten division alignments were announced this week, The Professor took great joy in Badger fans' complaining that they got screwed by being placed with Ohio State an Penn State. There really is nothing better than Bucky-related schadenfreude:

Go Rebels!

Navy -6.5 MARYLAND (Service Academy GOW)
Anchors Aweigh, my boys, Anchors Aweigh! In related news, check out this nice article on Navy QB Ricky Dobbs and the Midshipmen's quest for a perfect season.

#5 Boise State -2.5 #6 Virginia Tech (Played in DC)
Class time is running short, so I'll keep this short. This is Boise State's year to play BCS buster.

Thus concludes The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen.

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Smart Money Picks, the Most Wonderful Time of the Year Edition

2009-12-18T21:49:00.002-06:00

The Professor is busy this Christmas season, buying gifts for all his contacts within the college football world, so no long breakdowns for all the bowl games. I mean, from Hayden Fry to Judd Heathcote to Gerry Dinardo to Ron Mexico, The Professor has a lot of shopping to do. Plus, do you have any idea how difficult it is to shop for that thing on Frank Beamer's neck?

So, without further ado, it's The Professor's Smart Money Picks, the most wonderful time of the year edition, brought to you by the city of Chanhassen.

Fresno State -10.5 Wyoming (NEW MEXICO)
Let's get the bowl season off with a bang. You hear that sound? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! It's part 1 of 2 The Professor's Statistically-Proven Locks of the Week, brought to you by National American University!

Rutgers -2.5 UCF (ST. PETERSBURG)
My heart says Rutgers, but The Professor wouldn't be The Professor if he picked with his heart.

Southern Miss -3.5 Middle Tennessee (NEW ORLEANS)
Seems every year Southern Mississippi puts on a show in their bowl.

Oregon State -2.5 BYU (LAS VEGAS)
OSU's Mike Riley is 5-0 in bowl games. Done.

Cal -3.5 Utah (POINSETTIA)
When you lose to Washington and end up here, you don't have much to play for. Go Utes.

Nevada -15 SMU (HAWAII)
The June Jones Homecoming Tour won't result in an SMU win, but a cover.

Ohio -2.5 Marshall (LITTLE CAESARS)
The Bobcats won nine games, Marshall won six. That's my rationale here.

Pitt -3 North Carolina (CAR CARE)
The 'stache was a measly one point away from a BCS game. Tarheels, beware the 'stache.

USC -9.5 Boston College (EMERALD)
That's a lot of points for a bowl game, but BC disappoints annually in their bowls.

Clemson -7.5 Kentucky (MUSIC CITY)
That's just way too many points for a team as inconsistent as Clemson.

Georgia -7 Texas A&M (INDEPENDENCE)
Stay far away from this game. This has shootout written all over it.

UCLA -3.5 Temple (EAGLE BANK)
Thanks for playing, Temple. Here's your complimentary Eagle Bank savings account.

Miami -3 Wisconsin (CHAMPS)
Love the feel-good pick of the Fighting Steve Stellars over the Loathsome C-Noth's.

Bowling Green -1.5 Idaho (HUMANITARIAN)
I've got nothing here.

Arizona -2 Nebraska (HOLIDAY)
Limit turnovers, Cats, and this one is yours for the taking.

Houston -4 Air Force (ARMED FORCES)
It would border on sacrilege to pick a non-armed forces team in the Armed Forces Bowl.

Oklahoma -8 Stanford (SUN)
I've had terrible luck picking against the Sooners this season, but I just think Stanford has enough to keep this one close.

Missouri -6.5 Navy (TEXAS)
If you haven't figured it out yet, The Professor always picks the service academy.

Minnesota -2.5 Iowa State (INSIGHT)
I'm only picking The Professor's Father's squad in the hopes that a Cyclone win will spell the end of Brewster's tenure in Minny. Sadly, I think he'll get an extension before he finds a way to be out-coached by whomever it is that is leading ISU these days.

Virginia Tech -4.5 Tennessee (CHIC-FIL-A)
That thing on Frank Beamer's neck trumps Lane Kiffin's hot wife.

Auburn -7.5 Northwestern (OUTBACK)
Can't believe I'm making this pick, but the Cats are just plucky enough to stay within 7.

Penn State -2.5 LSU (CAPITAL ONE)
Comment withheld in deference to the Cornerman.

West Virginia -2.5 Florida State (GATOR)
I don't care that this is Bowden's last game. He won't know where he is anyway and WVU is miles better than FSU.

Oregon -3.5 Ohio State (ROSE)
The Buckeyes' woes in BCS games continues. For shame, Tressel, for shame.

Florida -10.5 Cincinnati (SUGAR)
That's an awful lot of points to give a Bearcat team in full "F You" mode, but it's still Cincinnati against The Almighty Tim Tebow.

South Florida -6.5 Northern Illinois (INTERNATIONAL)
This was my second lock of the week, until I looked a few games down at the Suspended Spartans vs. the high-flying Red Raiders.

South Carolina -4.5 UConn (PAPA JOHNS)
Mmmmm, pizza.

Ole Miss -3 Oklahoma State (COTTON)
I'm done with you, Oklahoma State.

Arkansas -7.5 East Carolina (LIBERTY)
Woooooo! Pig! Sooie!

Texas Tech -8 Michigan State (ALAMO)
You hear that sound? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! It's part 2 of 2 The Professor's Statistically-Proven Locks of the Week, brought to you by National American University! My thanks to the multitude of suspended Spartans for handing this one to me on a silver platter.

TCU -7 Boise State (FIESTA)
I really like the Horned Frogs, but this one has all the makings of a classic, back and forth game between a pair of teams looking to prove a point to the nation.

Georgia Tech -4 Iowa (ORANGE)
I've been riding the Ramblin' Wreck bandwagon all year and I'm not stopping now.

Central Michigan -3.5 Troy (GMAC)
If a bowl is played in the midst of all the BCS bowls and no one watches, does it actually happen?

Alabama -5 Texas (BCS NATIONAL CHAMP)
When the second-best team in the state of Texas is playing in the national championship game, you don't pick said team to stay within 5 of ROLL TIDE TURKEY!

The Professor's Smart Money Picks, the most wonderful time of the year edition, brought to you by the city of Chanhassen.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah (that's for you, Stellar) and a Joyous Festivus to all of those involved with Pick 'Em Corner.

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 12 Smart Money Pick

2009-12-10T15:08:00.003-06:00

Wow, the Big Ten season ends and so does The Professor's success in picking games. Coincidence? I think not. At least the betting public can rely on The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University (now 9-2).

This is a big week for The Professor. Anyone who knows anything about The Professor knows he loves the service academies. And thanks to The Host, that love gets to be displayed each week on Pick 'Em Corner with The Professor’s Service Academy Game of the Week, presented by Armed Forces Network.

Some might think The Professor would have a hard time picking this game. I mean, each week The Professor steadfastly picks the service academy squad, no matter the matchup or spread. So, how will The Professor be able to choose between a pair of service academies? Easy, that's how. The Professor loves the nation's service academies, but he loves one much more than the rest.

No institution in the country can match the history and tradition of this service academy. It's alumni include Ulysses S. Grant, Dwight Eisenhower, Robert E. Lee, Stonewall Jackson, Douglas MacArthur, George Patton, Buzz Aldrin and Norman Schwartzkopf. That's a badass list of grauates, if you ask me.

Its football program has won three national championships and has had three Heisman Trophy winners and 37 consensus All-Americans. Meanwhile, the other two service academies, combined, have one national championship, zero Heisman Trophy winners and 28 consensus All-Americans.

This pick is an easy one. GO ARMY, BEAT NAVY.

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 11 Smart Money Picks

2009-12-03T15:19:00.002-06:00

The Professor should know better than to trust anyone else with his Smart Money Picks, especially in a week all but devoid games involving the Big Ten. Instead, The Professor decided to give thanks to his loyal assistant, The TA, by giving said assistant some input into last week's picks. A 7-13 record ensued. The TA has been summarily dismissed.

This week, it's nothing but The Professor, for bettor (pun intended) or for worse. So sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and enjoy the lecture, for these are The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by the City of Chanhassen.

OREGON -9.5 Oregon State
Now I know Oregon State has been a pleasant surprise and, like you, I'm just glad we won't have to see USC in the Rose Bowl again this season. But need I remind you what the Quack Attack did to the hated Beavers last season? A 65-38 drubbing, that's what. Various experts around the country are calling for a Beaver upset (insert Tiger Woods joke here), indicating that the OSU defense should be able slow down the potent Oregon offense. I, for one, ain't buying the hype. The Ducks will score points in bunches and the Beaver offense just isn't explosive enough to keep up.

CENTRAL MICH. -10.5 Ohio (MAC CHAMPIONSHIP)
The Professor knows absolutely nothing about Ohio aside from their respected sports management school and their shocking 2000 win over the Goof Troop. Do the Bobcats still run the quirky offense that befuddled Glen Mason and Friends at the Metrodome? Anyone? It really doesn't matter. The Chippewas (that's not hostile nor abusive, per the NCAA) have Dan LeFevour and an offense that has scored 30 or more points seven times this season. Quirky Bobcat offense or not, LeFevour and Co. will rack up the points all day long.

Houston -1 EAST CAROLINA (CUSA CHAMP)
I know, I know. Defense wins championships. From what I hear, East Carolina is the defensive team, while Houston is the offensive team. So, go with the old mantra of defense over offense, right? Wrong. I'd pick the Pirates if their defense was really as strong as all the experts say, but one look at the numbers says otherwise. Houston has the top-ranked offense in all the land. ECU has the 68th-ranked defense. Houston has the top-ranked scoring offense in all the land. ECU has the 31st-ranked scoring defense. Houston has the top-ranked passing offense in all the land. ECU has the 86th-ranked passing defense. Am I missing something here? No, I'm not.

West Virginia -2.5 RUTGERS
The Professor hasn't been high on West Virginia this season, but the past two weeks have changed my mind. The Mountaineers made Cincy nervous two weeks ago, followed by a 19-16 upset of Pitt last week. Rutgers, meanwhile, got trounced by Syracuse two weeks ago. What more needs to be said?

PITT Pick Em Cincinnati
I've been on the Cincinnati bandwagon all season long and I'm not about to jump off now. Rumors persist that Brian Kelly will be the next Notre Dame coach, but methinks that decision has yet to be made. The Brian Kelly Big-Time Coaching Gig Audition hits Pittsburgh this week and it won't be pretty for the 'stache. In fact, do you hear that sound? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! It's The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University!

ILLINOIS -1 Fresno State
The Ron Zook Postulate rears its ugly head one more time this season.

BOISE STATE -47.5 New Mexico State
The Professor got beat by another big spread last week after picking TCU to cover the 43.5 over New Mexico. Will he make the same mistake again this week? Probably.

USC -7 Arizona
It's The Host's Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game, Part I

Florida -4.5 Alabama (SEC CHAMP - NEUTRAL SITE GAME)
The Professor could give a lengthy lecture about the most anticipated game of the season, but instead he'll join the hordes of media who have endlessly tongue bathed Tim Tebow over the years. Tebow is the X factor here and, for me, Bama was less than impressive last week in the Iron Bowl.

California -6.5 WASHINGTON
It's The Host's Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game, Part II

CONNECTICUT -7 South Florida
This game should otherwise be known as the Cornerman's Home State University vs. Steve Stellar's Childhood Vacation Destination University Bowl. I'll take the Cornerman's squad for reasons unbeknownst to me.

Texas -14 Nebraska (BIG 12 CHAMP-NEUTRAL SITE GAME)
I don't care how good Nebraska's defense is alleged to be. They play in the Big 12 North - more or less the equivalent of the mediocre portion of the Big Ten (I'm looking at you, Minnesota and your bottom-half bretheren). Plus, the Huskers lost 31-10 to Texas Tech. That same Tech team lost 34-24 to Texas. Hook 'em Horns.

Georgia Tech -1 Clemson (ACC CHAMP - NEUTRAL SITE GAME)
Talk about an anti-climactic conference title game. Both of these squads were embarrassed last week. Looking ahead to this game or not, Clemson looked much worse against South Carolina than Georgia Tech did against Georgia (even if that game was at home). Plus, The Host loves singing that Ramblin' Wreck song.

Wisconsin -11.5 HAWAII
The Professor loves wrapping up the week with a feel good pick.

Thus concludes The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen.

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 10 Smart Money Picks

2009-11-25T21:29:00.003-06:00

What does it say about the Pick 'Em Corner panelists when, at the top of the current Pick 'Em Corner standings stand a pair of hockey guys in The Professor and Strickly Cash, followed closely by The Host, a noted degenerate gambler? What it says is that while The Professor, Strickly Cash and The Host are making money for their constituents hand over fist, the remaining Pick 'Em Corner panelists are frauds...and the Minnesota-centric Pick 'Em Corner knows its frauds (from Tim Brewster as football coach, to Joel Maturi as AD, to a pair of Pick 'Em Corner panelists as SIDs, Minnesota is Fraud U).

Now that I've set up the bulk of Pick 'Em Corner for a heavy dose of schadenfreude (look it up), it's time for Rivalry Week. The Professor is admittedly nervous as the Big Ten has decided to close up shop for the holiday season (save a couple of season-ending non-conference tilts). The Big Ten is obviously The Professor's forté, so much so that The Professor was just honored with the mythical 2009 Pick 'Em Corner Big Ten Game Prognosticator of the Year Award.

With no real Big Ten games on the docket, however, The Professor's confidence is waning. But fear not Pupils. If nothing else, you can always bet your current or future childrens' college tuition on The Professor's Lock of the Week (now 9-1).

The Professor's lecture is getting long, so without further ado, sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and give thanks for The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by the City of Chanhassen.

Texas -21 TEXAS A&M
I have absolutely no faith that the Aggies will pull off the upset in this one, but this Texas A&M offense is dangerous enough to keep things close for a while in this one. Of course, the Aggie offense is just as capable of crapping the proverbial bed, so beware laying lots of cash on this one.

CINCINNATI -20 Illinois
The Ron Zook Postulate makes this an easy pick for The Professor, but does anybody really think Illinois is going to derail Cincinnati's BCS bowl bid? Of course not, and neither does the Illini. In a strange bit of double-booking, the Ron Zook Farewell Tour (wishful thinking, I know) and the Brian Kelly Big-Time Coaching Gig Audtion hits Cincy in the same game. Two for the price of one. What a deal. Wow, Brian Kelly would look good in Maroon and Gold.

Alabama -10 AUBURN
Not sure when I'm going to learn my lesson, but once again last week, I bet against Bama and lost...big. Never again, I say. I know Gene Chizik has done a fine job at Auburn, but c'mon, the guy was at Iowa State last year. You don't go from Ames to the Iron Bowl and expect to stay within 10 of a national championship favorite. Plus, it's Thanksgiving weekend, so how can anyone resist saying The Host's favorite phrase...ROLL! TIDE TURKEY!

Nebraska -10 COLORADO
This game means absolutely nothing for the Huskers aside from getting ready for Texas in the Big XII title game. It means a bit more for 3-8 Colorado, but the Buffs are too bad to overcome the Black Shirt Defense.

Pittsburgh -1.5 WEST VIRGINIA
A nice 'stache beats a nice coach by two points or more every time.

BOISE STATE -13 Nevada
The over-under for this game is 70. I'd take the over, but if you can figure out how this game will shake out, be my guest. In the end, Smurf Turf coupled with BCS bowl hopes gives BSU the nod here. Wow, Chris Peterson would look good in Maroon and Gold.

Clemson -3 SOUTH CAROLINA
It's The Host's Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game, Part I.

Mississippi -7.5 MISSISSIPPI STATE
It's The Host's Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game, Part II.

OKLAHOMA -10 Oklahoma State
You hear that sound? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! It's The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University! No analysis needed here. If The Professor's record in locks of the week isn't enough, then you must not like money.

TCU -43.5 New Mexico
I got scared off by a pair of huge spreads last week and lost...big. Not again, especially with a TCU team hoping to impress the voters and computers. Wow, Gary Patterson would look good in Maroon and Gold.

Virginia Tech -13.5 VIRGINIA
The Al Groh Theorem makes this an easy pick for The Professor.

FLORIDA -24.5 Florida State
I doubted you last week, Urban, Tim, et al, and for that I sincerely and deeply apologize. Not this week. Plus, Bobby Bowden isn't quite sure what year it is anymore, so he's obviously not going to know what to do in this rivalry game.

Arizona -3 ARIZONA STATE
Maybe there's a correlation about teams that wear maroon and gold and bad offenses because the Devils move the ball about as well as Brewster's Boys...and that's saying something in the offense-happy Pac-10.

BYU -7.5 Utah
A Mormon-led squad won't be hung over from Thanksgiving like a non-Mormon-led squad will.

WASHINGTON -25 Washington State
The Never, Ever Take Washington State Law makes this an easy pick for The Professor.

LSU -3.5 Arkansas
I'm tired of picking LSU and losing. That's the only reason to go with WOO, PIG SOOEY.

STANFORD -8.5 Notre Dame
The Charlie Weis Farewell Tour hits Palo Alto and the Fat Man isn't allowed to stay out west and recruit after the game. Writing on the wall, anyone? Anyway, there are wayyy too many distractions to expect the Golden Domers to stay within 10.

GEORGIA TECH -7.5 Georgia
I absolutely love picking the Ramblin' Wreck each week, even if early in their games, they make me nervous with their slow-starting ways. Plus, Georgia is still reeling from the death of Uga VII, so take the Jackets in this one.

USC -13 ucla
USC can't lose a third embarrasing game in a month, can they? No, they can't.

Navy -9.5 HAWAII
Anchors aweigh, my boys, anchors aweigh! Wow, Ken Niumatalolo would look good in Maroon and Gold.

Thus concludes The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen. Happy Thanksgiving, Pick 'Em Corner Prognosticators, The Professor's Pupils and devoted Pick 'Em Corner viewers.

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 9 Smart Money Picks

2009-11-20T16:41:00.002-06:00

The Professor would like to apologize to Pick 'Em Corner panelists and fans - and especially The Professor's Pupils - for the absence of his full analyses in the last few weeks. The Professor just doesn't have the time to speak with his multitude of contacts within the college football world. Why? Well, The Professor is wanted. The Professor is needed. With the success of the Smart Money Picks again this season, The Professor has been in great demand on the lecture circuit, especially in the quaint towns of Atlantic City, Reno and Las Vegas.

Given the current economic climate, who can blame the betting public on pinning their hopes on a proven gambling expert like The Professor. Sure, some bettors have probably been swayed by Stickly Cash's gaudy overall record, but what does anybody outside of Combined Locks, Wis., really know about this Pick 'Em Corner rookie? It is for that reason that The Professor would like to invite all of this week's Pick 'Em Corner viewers to attend a free lecture by The Professor tonight at Jackpot Junction in Morton, Minn.

Can't make it? Well, you're in luck, for these are The Professor's Abridged Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen.

Ohio State -12 MICHIGAN
It's Hate Week and The Professor is going to pick the team he hates less in this one. OSU arrogance is bad, but the Michigan arrogance coupled with a jackass for a coach and an overall annoying athletic program is enough for me.

IOWA -9.5 Minnesota
Last week, The Professor got behind the Brew Crew in the interests of unintentional comedy. Then, The Professor attended that horrendous game at TCF Bank Stadium. It is painfully obvious to me now that the Gopher football program has turned from persistently mediocre with a couple of big wins under Glen Mason, to two and a half seasons of top-notch unintentional comedy under Timmy B, to the complete and total farce that passes as Brewster's program today. I don't care if Ferentz trots out The Host's mom to play QB this weekend, the Hawkeyes will roll. In fact...you hear that sound? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! It's The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University!

MIAMI (FL) -19.5 Duke
Last week, The Professor said, "Any time at Pick 'Em Corner that you have a chance to take Steve Stellar's favorite club (sorry, Towson), you do it." I'm ignoring that advice this week and I don't know why. How's that for instilling confidence in the betting public?

ALABAMA -37.5 UT-Chatanooga
The Professor hates big spreads. The Tide will roll is this one, but the Mocs aren't the pushover that they seem. Look at this game as Bama's chance to get Ingram some early yards for his Heisman hopes, but will sit the back in the second half with the game in hand. When that happend, the Mocs will score just enough points to cover.

FLORIDA -44.5 Florida International
Kudos to Alabama and Florida for scheduling these quality opponents this late in the season. Sheesh. I'm not taking the Gators, partly for that reason, partly for the large spread and partly because they don't score.

Oklahoma -6.5 TEXAS TECH
Oklahoma is 1-4 this season outside the state of Oklahoma and they're a 6.5 point favorite in this tilt. Something doesn't add up. Take the Raiders.

tcu -31.5 WYOMING
As mentioned above, The Professor hates big spreads. But this game is a different story from the Alabama and Florida games. While the Tide and Gators are just biding their time until they meet in the SEC title game, TCU must do anything and everything it can to be a BCS Bowl team. That means blowing out the lowly Cowboys.

NOTRE DAME -6 uconn
The Professor has picked the Irish twice this season. What happened both of those times? He lost. Lesson learned.

BYU -10.5 air force
Off we go, into the wild blue yonder!

Penn State -3.5 MICHIGAN STATE
This one is a conundrum for The Professor. I'm 4-2 when picking MSU and 2-0 when picking Sparty's opponent. On the other hand, I'm 3-2 when picking PSU and 1-2 when picking the Nittany Keiser's opponent. That small difference is just enough to make me go with Cornerman's Crew in this one.

Wisconsin -7 NORTHWESTERN
Damn this one hurts to pick, but seven points is just too few for me to go with my heart and take the Wildcats. You bump that spread up to 14 or so, and I'll gladly switch my pick to NU. If I was allowed a second lock, this would be it. Wow, Iowa and Wisconsin as my locks. I'm so ashamed of myself.

Purdue -3.5 INDIANA
The Professor is 5-2 this season when picking the Hoosiers and 1-2-1 when picking the Boilers. Need I explain my pick more?

STANFORD -7.5 california
I'm done picking against the Cardinal. Plus, the Stanford Tree is so much more entertaining than the Oski, which seems perpetually stuck in the 1950s. If it sounds like I'm repeatiny myself a lot from last week to this week, it's because I am. Plus, I have to prepare for my lecture.

TEXAS -27.5 kansas
It's The Host's Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game.

Oregon -6 ARIZONA
This video made this pick an easy one.

Thus concludes The Professor's Abridged Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen.

It's Come to This: Gopher Radio Network Giving Away Radios So Someone Will Listen to Dave Lee

2009-11-12T14:59:00.010-06:00

In what can only be labeled a sign of declining revenue due to sagging ratings, the Gopher Radio Network, a division of Learfield Sports, sent an e-mail to Gopher football season ticket holders Thursday, offering a free Live Sports Radio for Minnesota's final home game this Saturday against South Dakota State. Reports out of Plano, Texas, the home of Learfield Sports, indicate that the free radio offer is an attempt to woo back listeners to the Gopher Radio Network who have grown disillusioned since Dave Lee became the team's play-by-play voice in 2002.

"I'll be honest with you. I find Dave Lee as unlistenable as the next guy," Stan Koenigsfeld, Learfield Sports Executive Vice President for the Heartland Region, said. "But apparently he's the best play-by-play guy the people at the Gopher Radio Network can come up with. I must admit, it doesn't say much for the radio talent in the Twin Cities, but at least now, with this great offer from the folks at Live Sports Radio, people won't have to pay to listen to him during the game."

Ironically, over the past eight seasons, countless Minnesota football fans have uttered the words, "You couldn't pay me to listen to Dave Lee call Gopher football." Those fans have now been proven somewhat prophetic, thanks to this free radio offer.

The Live Sports Radios were previously available for purchase at home football games for $20 each. According to documents obtained by Mr. Heavyfoot, the Gopher Radio Network and Live Sports Radio pushed for this offer after discovering a ridiculous surplus of Minnesota-branded radios in a Mariucci Arena supply room.

"We don't really want to offer free radios to our season ticket holders, but our hands are tied on this one," a Gopher Radio Network staffer said on condition of anonymity as they were not authorized to speak to members of the media. "We have so damned many of these radios it's not even funny. But look at it this way. Here's your chance to listen to Dave Lee and those other two guys live and free from your seat at TCF Bank Stadium. Never mind that Dave Lee is the worst play-by-play guy in the history of sports. It's free! Never mind that listening to Dave Lee call the game, with NO DELAY mind you, may make it impossible for you to actually follow what's happening on the field. It's free! Did I mention it's free?"

Ratings for Gopher football on the radio have been declining ever since Lee took over the play-by-play duties from the legendary Ray Christensen, the voice of Golden Gopher football and men's basketball from 1951-2001. Lee may be perhaps best known for his complete and utter inability to describe what is happening on the field in crucial moments, from the infamous "Touchdown Ellerson!" call against Northwestern in 2003, to the thoroughly confusing botched punt call against Wisconsin in 2005, to the "...throw across the middle...It's caught!...The Gophers have it!...Touchdown Gophers!" call in describing the game-clinching 59-yard touchdown on a wild deflection from Nick Tow-Arnett to Duane Bennett in Minnesota's 42-34 win over Michigan State on Oct. 31, 2009.

The Gopher Radio Network did see a huge spike in ratings early in the second half of Minnesota's home-opening game against Air Force on Sept. 12, leading some to believe that radio listeners were willing to give Lee another shot. Unfortunately for Lee and Learfield Sports, that wasn't the case.

"Our ratings went through the roof during the Gophers' first offensive series in the second half against Air Force," the anonymous Gopher Radio Network staffer said. "We were ecstatic. We thought with the excitement of the new stadium and the new season, our fans listening to the game on the radio were giving us another chance to win them back. Turns out they were just tuning in to hear Ray Christensen again. After that series, our ratings went back down to where they've been since 2002. What does it say about our current radio situation that people would rather listen to an 82-year-old man than Dave Lee? Don't answer that."

In related news, reports out of Plano indicate that the executives at Learfield Sports are pushing the Gopher Radio Network management to dump Lee in favor of this guy:

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 8 Smart Money Picks

2009-11-12T14:58:00.000-06:00

The Professor's sabbatical continues this week, resulting in another edition of The Professor's Abridged Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen.

MINNESOTA -15.5 South Dakota State
I don't want to do it, but I must pick the Gophers over a FCS team. Plus, the unintentional comedy provided by a Brewster-led team is enough reason to pull for the Maroon and Gold and another season of Brewster-ball. Plus-plus, everybody is saying Brewster doesn't have a signature win. This would qualify, wouldn't it? Oh, it wouldn't?

PENN STATE -25 Indiana
I trusted the Nittany Keisers against Ohio State and they failed to show up...at home. Where's the respect for the Hoosiers? Right here with The Professor's endorsement, that's where.

ILLINOIS -4.5 Northwestern
Speaking of respect, can someone explain this line to me? Illinois beats a pair of mediocre to bad teams in Michigan and Minnesota. Meanwhile, Northwestern pulls the upset of the year in the Big Ten. And Illinois is a 4.5 favorite? I don't get it.

WISCONSIN -8.5 Michigan
I really can't believe I'm doing this, but...you hear that sound? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! It's The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University! I've always said it needs to be a special situation for me to pick Bucky. Well, this is it. Meeeechigan is flat-out bad and, sadly, Wisconsin is actually on its way to a 10-2 season. But now The Professor has a conundrum. Does he cheer with his heart and still pull for Michigan? Or does he cheer for Wisconsin to stay atop the Pick 'Em Corner Lock of the Week standings? For the record, I'll be cheering for the lock, not the Badgers...if that makes any sense.

Michigan State -2.5 PURDUE
I hemmed and hawed with this one, but in the end decided that Sparty would kick Purdue Pete's ass in a fight (as long as Pete wasn't allowed to use his sledgehammer) to the tune of three points or more.

NAVY -17 Delaware (Rotel Armed Services Game)
Anchors aweigh, my boy, anchors aweigh!

Nebraska -4.5 KANSAS
It's The Host's Does Anybody Outside the Locales of the Two Teams Involved Actually Care About This Game? Game.

OHIO STATE -16.5 Iowa
I know Iowa is decimated with injuries and I know Ohio State looked pretty darn good last week against Penn State, but I just can't see the still very formidable Hawkeye defense letting the Buckeyes pull away by 17 points or more.

CALIFORNIA -3 Arizona
Stay far, far away from this game...or any game in the muddled Pac-10 for that matter. I'm taking Arizona because Mark May on College Football Live just told me how much of a pleasant surprise they've been this season. I don't care much for Mark May, but I don't care much for this game either. Mark May, don't let me down.

USC -10.5 Stanford
I'm done picking against the Cardinal. Plus, the Stanford band is so much more entertaining than the USC band, which seems to know only two songs.

Alabama -12.5 MISSISSIPPI STATE (Butterball Roll Tide Turkey Game)
I take a week off from picking the Tide and I get screwed. Forgive me, Almighty Saban, for I have sinned. ROLL! TIDE! TURKEY!

GEORGIA -4 Auburn
[Analysis redacted.]

Miami (FL) -3 NORTH CAROLINA
Any time at Pick 'Em Corner that you have a chance to take Steve Stellar's favorite club (sorry, Towson), you do it.

OKLAHOMA ST. -4 Texas Tech
It's a game between a pair of teams that are nowhere near as good as they were last year. That being said, Texas Tech 2009 has fallen farther from their 2008 level than Oklahoma State 2009 has.

PITTSBURGH -7 Notre Dame
Tale of the tape time:
Mustache vs. Gut.....Advantage 'stache

Thus concludes The Professor's Abridged Smart Money Picks, brought to you by The City of Chanhassen.

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 7 Smart Money Picks

2009-11-12T14:52:00.002-06:00

The Professor is on sabbatical this week from providing full breakdowns. My sincerest apologies to all of The Professor's Pupils. Keep in mind these picks are being made under the influence of Grain Belt Premium.

Wisconsin -10.5 INDIANA
I thrive when picking the Hoosiers and can't handle picking the Badgers.

MICHIGAN STATE -20 Western Michigan
MSU isn't as bad as their loss to Minnesota last week makes it seem.

MICHIGAN -6 Purdue
No team that loses to Ron Zook is worthy of being picked the week after.

MINNESOTA -6.5 Illinois
No team that is coached by Ron Zook is worthy of being picked, regardless of last week's result.

IOWA -16.5 Northwestern
The blonde on the couch across from me likes the Wildcats.

MIAMI (FL) -13.5 Virginia (The Geller Game)
The Ron Zook Corellate also apples to Al Groh.

Kansas -2.5 KANSAS STATE
Good KU offense overcomes bad KU defense by 2.5 points or more.

NOTRE DAME -11 Navy (Rotel Aremed Services Game)
Anchors aweigh!

PENN STATE -3.5 Ohio State
Love the Nittany Keisers in this one.

ALABAMA -7.5 lsu (Butterball Roll Tide Turkey Game)
Two bad offenses means 7.5 points are just too much.

Oregon -6.5 STANFORD
Consider this The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, presented by National American University. Vegas is just trying to give money away here.

FLORIDA -35 Vanderbilt (The I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Big Spread Game)
Only because it's a whole lot more fun cheering against Florida than it it to cheer for them.

CINCINNATI -16.5 uconn
My Reno, NV insider likes the Huskies (I'm not kidding. I really have a Reno insider.)

Oklahoma -5 NEBRASKA
I saw some of that ISU-NU game. That's enough for me to pick the Sooners.

usc -10 ARIZONA STATE
Ever seen an angry Spartan?

Thus concludes The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by the City of Chanhassen.

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 6 Smart Money Picks

2009-10-30T14:09:00.004-05:00

Why The Professor just picks games and doesn't actually throw money down is beyond me. Week in and week out (minus week 1), The Professor's Smart Money Picks just make money for his fans, The Professor's Pupils. The moola that I could have made during last season's Pick 'Em Corner championship run and this season's follow-up is mind-boggling. But, alas, The Professor is alll about his students and not about cashing in.

Speaking of cashing in, last week I announced that the lock of the week in under a new sponsor and will heretofore be referred to as "The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University." I'm sure the Pick 'Em Corner panel was just salivating at the chance to shoot down the new sponsorship with a Professor loss (especially after bucking the trend with a Georgia Tech lock), but it wasn't to be. In case anybody out there needs a reminder, The Professor is 5-0 on his locks.

The Professor has tooted his horn enough. It's time for The Professor's Smart Money Picks, East Coast Bias edition.

West Virginia -3 SOUTH FLORIDA
East Coast Bias Week opens with a thud with a game only the residents of Morganville and Tampa care about. As The Professor knows little about the Big East, I talked to easily the most famous Mountaineer alum of all time...Todd Sauerbrun. He told me that this game features teams going in different directions. West Virginia is still in the hunt to challenge Cincy and Pitt for the Big East title, while USF is basically giving up. Sauerbrun also told me that that Denver taxi driver had it coming when he assaulted him outside a restaurant.

Cincinnati -14.5 SYRACUSE
East Coast Bias Week continues, I guess. Sheesh. Someone needs to remind Pick 'Em Corner panelists Steve Stellar and The Cornerman that this show is only aired in Big Ten country (though not available in State College, Pa.). For reasons unknown, The Professor has been real high on Cincy this season and that's not about to stop now. In fact, you hear that sound? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! It's The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University! This one makes me a little nervous as the Orange sports a quirky little offense, but the Bearcats are more than two TDs better than Syracuse, regardless of who plays QB. This pick was confrimed by Abe Bookman, Cincy alum and inventor of the Magic 8-Ball, when he said, "You may rely on it." Like the previous five Professor Locks of the Week, you too may rely on it.

NAVY -7 Temple
As part of the sponsorship agreement, The Professor's pick in the The Professor’s Service Academy Game of the Week, presented by Armed Forces Network will always be the service academy. We all know and love this. However, in the interest of full disclosure, I feel the need to let The Professor's Pupils know that I am 1-3-1 in the Service Academy Game of the Week. Consider yourself warned. Without further ado:

Anchors aweigh, my boy, anchors aweigh!

WISCONSIN -6.5 Purdue
The Pick 'Em Corner viewers can finally breathe a sigh of relief as East Coast Bias Week takes a short break and we hit our bread-and-butter with mediocre Big Ten games. Followers of The Professor know that it needs to be a special situation for me to pick the BADgers as my hate and loathing for Bucky is well documented. Special situation, this game is not. I talked to Wisconsin QB Scott Tolzien for this game and, boy, was he happy that someone was finally paying attention to him after getting snubbed for high five after high five two weeks ago in the loss to Ohio State. After giving me a high five, Tolzien told me that Wisconsin is a team divided between those who like Bielema and those who think he's a complete tool. Hmmm, sounds like how Gopher Nation feels about their esteemed leader. Anyway, Wisconsin should win this game based solely on playing at home, but Purdue is better coached and will find a way to keep this one close. High five.

IOWA -17.5 Indiana
Strange as it may seem, this is a tough one to pick. Straight up, it's a no-brainer. Take the Hawks. But 17.5 points is an awful lot to give a plucky Hoosier squad. Here's the thing: last week's Indiana loss to Northwestern is a game that will stick with the Hoosiers for some time. If Indiana were playing Minnesota this week, I'd give IU a chance for a bounce-back, but they're up against undefeated Iowa who is somehow fourth in the BCS standings. I don't know how the BCS works exactly, but blowing out teams like Indiana can't hurt. To confirm my pick, I talked to injured Hawkeye back Adam Robinson. He told me that losing him won't mean a thing as he's as anonymous as the next Iowa running back. Whether it's Robinson, Paki O'Meara or autoMATTic at tailback, Iowa cruises in this one.

BOSTON COLLEGE -4 Central Michigan
Did you enjoy our brief soiree into Big Ten country? I hope so, because East Coast Bias Week is back in full effect with this game. A plea to The Host: NEVER GIVE UP THE CHOOSING OF GAMES AGAIN TO CORNERMAN AND STEVE STELLAR!. Thank you. Now on to this game. I wasn't sure who to go with here, so I talked to sports media legend Dick Enberg, a CMU alum. He told me that he personally witnessed the fighting ability of the Chippewas when they fought with the British in the War of 1812. I thought Dick was falling into another bout with senility, but upon further research on Wikipedia, it appears Enberg actually is 207 years old, so he does know what he's talking about. What? You say I'm making a mockery of Pick 'Em Corner? No. I say, the mockery of Pick 'Em Corner was made when we were forced to pick games that involved all these irrelevant East Coast teams. So there.

Florida -16 Georgia (at Jacksonville)
It's the Underwhelming Bowl. You're probably asking how a game involving the No. 1 team in the nation, Tim Tebow, Uga MCMXII and a Cocktail Party can be considered underwhelming. I'll tell you how. The No. 1 team in the nation, Florida, is undefeated, yes, but has been underwhelming in how they got there. Tim Tebow is still The Chosen One, yes, but his performance has been underwhelming in his swan song in Gainesville. Georgia, meanwhile, has been underwhelming in pretty much every aspect of the game, to the tune of a 4-3 record. Uga MCMXII has not been underwhelming, so my apologies to him (her?). Anyway, this week is all about Florida. This is their chance to prove they belong on the top. This is Tebow's chance to distance himself in the Heisman race. Sixteen points is an awful lot in a rivalry game like this, but Florida has plum run out of excuses and will assert their dominance on a team they love to hate.

Miami -7 WAKE FOREST
Speaking of a team The Professor loves to hate, it's Miami. Still, I'm glad Steve Stellar finally gets to pick a game which features one of his squads. That's as much breakdown as you'll be getting out of me. I'm tired of East Coast Bias Week.

Michigan -8.5 ILLINOIS
As it appears that The Professor is now Pick 'Em Corner's marketing director, given all the sponsors I've procured, I've signed Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus to be the sponsor for this and all future games involving Illinois. This agreement will continue in perpetuity until Ron Zook is fired as head coach of the Illini. Until then, on with the clown show that is Illinois football. The reason for the sponsorship is simple: When gamblers bet against the Illini, they win. It's a proven fact. To wit: In the four Pick 'Em Corner games involving Illinois this season, gamblers who went with the Illini's opponent are 3-0-1. Do I really need to break this game down any further? No. I don't.

OHIO STATE -39.5 New Mexico State
Lightning round time. Ohio State seems back on track and I know nothing about the Wolfpack, but 39.5 points is a ton.

Penn State -13.5 NORTHWESTERN
I talked to Admiral Akbar for this game and he told me what he always tells me: "It's a trap!" Thanks, Admiral, but you haven't been relevant for a long, long time in a galaxy far, far away. Yes, I know this game for PSU is sandwiched between Michigan and Ohio State. And yes, I know Northwestern is feeling good about themselves after the comeback win over Indiana. But, c'mon. Northwestern has reached their "just hold on until we play Illinois and Wisconsin" stretch of games with back-to-back tilts against PSU and Iowa. The 'Cats are just praying to get through the next two games alive to give themselves a chance at the Pizza Pizza Bowl. The Nits, meanwhile, are firing on all cylinders. In fact, Penn State has allowed just 13 points in their last three games. If I didn't go out on a limb and pick Cincy for my lock, this would be it. Take the Fighting Keisers.

Michigan State -6 MINNESOTA
Wow does it suck to be a Gopher fan sometimes. I, of course, want the team to win every game and be relevant on the conference and national stage. Now, being a Gopher fan, I know this won't likely happen in my lifetime, save for a lightning in a bottle type of season. On the other hand, I want nothing more than to get rid of Tim Brewster. I have never NEVER been a fan of this snake oil salesman (that's old-timey for used car salesman). For that reason, I want the Gophers to lose the remainder of their games to become even more irrelevant on the conference and national stage. Sadly, this is far more likely to happen than the above scenario. On another hand, there are only a handful of coaches (Bielema, I'm looking at you) that provide the unintentional comedy that Brewster does week in and week out. What to do? Look at history, that's what. History has told me that Tim Brewster has never NEVER won a game in which he's supposed to win. This is one of those games. So I guess that means I'm cheering for the Goof Troop to lose the rest of their games. Unintentional comedy, I'll miss you (unless we hire John L. Smith).

Texas -9 OKLAHOMA STATE
The Professor is getting tired, so it's time for three lightning round games to wrap it up. OSU is missing too much and Texas is hitting its stride. Hook 'em Horns.

USC -3.5 OREGON
The Professor is a perfect 3-0 when picking the Ducks. The Professor is 0-1 when picking against the Ducks. The Professor is 1-2 when picking the Trojans. The Professor is 1-0 when picking against the Trojans. That all adds up to The Professor picking the Ducks and picking against the Trojans.

NOTRE DAME -30 Washington State
I thought for sure East Coast Bias Week was going to rear it's ugly head again and we'd be picking Rutgers-UConn or Georgetown-Old Dominion.

Thus concludes The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by the City of Chanhassen.

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 5 Smart Money Picks

2009-10-23T10:04:00.002-05:00

Kudos must go to The Host. After several "down" years, he's finally proving himself worthy of being the host of everyone's second-favorite sports-related show (just behind Hondo's House). Methinks it won't last, but let him enjoy it while it does.

Meanwhile, it's probably time to rethink the sponsorship of the Lock of the Week. While MasterLock has been a long-time supporter of Pick 'Em Corner, it's time for the weekly feature to pay homage to the lone panelist on the show to make his fans gobs and gobs of cash based solely on his performance on locks of the week. Other panelists will show you their gaudy overall record, but not many bettors out there aren't willing nor able to throw down money on every game in hopes of turning a profit. The Professor's Pupils (the official fan club of The Professor), meanwhile, just wait for their mentor's lock of the week and throw everything on that particular game. For this reason, the lock of the week will heretofore be referred to as "The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University."

On to this week's slate of games. Sit up class, open your notebooks and sharpen your pencils. It's time for The Professor's Smart Money Picks.

FAVORITE SPREAD UNDERDOG (Professor's picks in bold)
NORTHWESTERN -5.5 Indiana
We start off with a bowl game elimination contest because, let's face it, the loser of this game will fall to 4-4 and have little to no shot at getting to seven wins. But who cares? What you're all waiting to hear is who I talked to about this game. Well, it's time to make amends with everybody's favorite Big Ten Network analyst. No, not Charissa Thompson. Gerry DiNardo! Last week, I poked a little fun at the Nard Dog and according to BTN insider KCKCKCK, he was none too pleased. To make it up to Gerry, I gave him a chance to provide his breakdown of the NU-IU game. He told me the spead of 5.5 points is just a little too much for a game that features two very evenly-matched teams at nearly every position. He likes the Hoosiers to win, but I ignored that after reminding myself that DiNardo never won more than three games while in Bloomington. I, therefore, like the Wildcats to win in Evanston, but only by a field goal. Thanks Gerry and say hi to KCKCKCK for The Professor.

OHIO STATE -17 Minnesota
The Professor is breaking out the big guns this week. First, Gerry DiNardo and now this game's guest analyst, LeBron James. Why LeBron? Well, he's here to provide us with insight into embattled QB Terrelle "the Terrible" Pryor. LeBron told me that Pryor and the entire OSU program has gone into the "us against the world" mentality that the squad used prior to the USC game. The tactic almost worked against a powerful Trojan squad and if it can almost beat a top tier team like USC, it will certainly work wonders against the Brew Crew. LeBron also told me that if OSU doesn't win, he advised Pryor to just walk off the field without shaking anybody's hand and blow off all media responsibilities. Thanks, LeBron. Here's the thing. Minnesota is basically the epitome of mediocre. The offense is putrid, while the defense is decent. The coach is clueless, while the players actually have talent. Ohio State, meanwhile, has an offense waiting to break out, a top shelf defense and a proven winner as coach. That all adds up to a Buckeye win by at three TDs.

PITTSBURGH -6.5 South Florida
Larry Fitzgerald, Sr. gave me great analysis last week, so this week The Professor is turning to his son. When he's not doing IHOP commercials, Larry Jr. is a great football mind. Clearly, the football acumen started and finished with Junior. Sorry, Marcus. Junior told me that Pitt is the real deal this year and how can I argue with him after watching Dion Lewis run roughshod over Rutgers last week. That being said, Lewis was a one-man team last week and USF brings a standout D-line and crazy-fast athletes all over the field. Pittsburgh will win this game, but like the NU-IU tilt, these teams are too evenly matched for this spread.

Georgia Tech -5.5 VIRGINIA
You hear that sound? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! It's ~~The MasterLock Triple Strong Lock of the Week~~ The Professor's Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University! All season long, I’ve been a Ramblin’ Wreck denier. I just couldn’t bring myself to believe that the offense that Tech runs could be successful week in and week out. Well, to quote The Monkees, “Then I saw her face, now I'm a believer.” My fellow colleagues may point to Virginia’s undefeated record in the ACC this season, but who have they played? Nobody. They may point to the Cavalier defense as one that might be able to shut down the Jackets’ attack. But who have they shut down this season? Indiana? Puh-leeeeze. Sing it with me, Host. The Ramblin’ Wreck of Georgia Tech. A hell of an engineer…

PURDUE -10 Illinois
Just about all of us were caught blindsided by Purdue's resounding win over Ohio State last week, The Professor included. We all stopped believing that Purdue was the best 1-5 team in the nation and were dumbfounded when they walked all over the Bucks. Now, some of the experts will say that after last week, the upset alert is on the Boilers as a talented, albeit underachieving Illinois squad comes to town. They’ll say that the hangover from the OSU win may be enough for the Illini to get back on track. But I talked to Lee Corso this week and he said, “Not so fast, my friends.” That’s right, Lee. What all these so-called experts (© Sid Hartman) are forgetting is that this Illinois team, although talented, is a joke and it starts at the top. The Ron Zook Farewell Tour hits West Lafayette this week and if the Illini faithful are lucky, the Purdue locomotive will foreshadow the railroading that Zook and his clownshow will get at the end of the season. Boiler Up!

NAVY -3 Wake Forest
Just like the Lock of the Week, The Professor has procured a new sponsorship for the weekly game involving a service academy. From now on, this game will be referred to as “The Professor’s Service Academy Game of the Week, presented by Armed Forces Network.” As part of the agreement with AFN, I’m required to pick the service academy, regardless of the matchup and spread, as well as sing the school’s song. Sounds like what I was doing already, so without further ado:

Anchors aweigh, my boy, anchors aweigh!

Penn State -4.5 MICHIGAN
The Professor turned to Cornerman confidant LFK this week once again. She told me that she just donated next month’s mortgage payment to the Paterno Library after reading about JoePa in Sports Illustrated, much to Cornerman’s dismay. Admittedly, LFK is nuts, but she also gave me a good analysis about this game. She told me this tilt is all about matchups. Here’s her rundown:

PSU offense vs. MICH defense……………….advantage PUSH
MICH offense vs. PSU defense……………….advantage PSU
Quarterback play………………………………advantage PUSH
Running back play…………………………….advantage PSU
Intangibles…………………………………….advantage MICH
Coach’s morals………………………………..advantage PSU

The Professor knows math and that all adds up to a Penn State win by five or more. Cue Nittany Lion roar (as performed by LFK) here.

Oklahoma -7.5 KANSAS
Intriguing game in the Big 12 this week with storylines centering around the fall of Sam Bradford. This is a turning point game for both squads with OU seeing its season slipping away and KU ready to emerge on the national stage. It’s really difficult to pick against the pedigree of the Sooners in this one, but there’s too much negativity surrounding the OU program right now to ignore. Bradford is done, the loss to Texas is going to sting for awhile and Kansas brings an entirely different look than the Longhorns. The Professor smells an upset a brewin’.

Oregon -10 WASHINGTON
Love the environs at Husky stadium with the tailgating on the lake and such. That’s all The Professor loves about Washington in this game. Is this a trap game or am I just missing something? Is Jake Locker really that good to overcome the Huskies’ woeful defense? UW lost to a pedestrian Arizona State team last week and now we’re supposed to expect them to hang with the Ducks? I just don’t get it. in the words of Admiral Akbar, “It’s a trap!”, but It still feels like Vegas is trying to give you money here, so go with the Tigers.

ALABAMA -14 Tennessee
In The Professor’s book (due out in November from the University of Minnesota Press), Alabama is the best damn team in all the land. The Tide defense is somewhere between unstoppable force and immovable object. Meanwhile, Tennessee just got their big win of the season. Lane Kiffin has been strutting around Knoxville, thinking he’s got the Vols back where they belong, but it’s clear he’s just another coach with a hot wife. Nick Saban, though hate-able in his own way, may be the best coach in the nation with an average-looking wife. When it comes right down to it, great coach with mediocre wife always beats so-so coach with hot wife by two TDs or more.

MICHIGAN STATE -1 Iowa
Whenever The Professor doesn’t know what to do with an Iowa game, he talks to one of two former Hawkeye coaches – Dr. Tom Davis or Hayden Fry. Well, this week, I talked to them both. How’s that for a hard-hitting week of guest analysts? Both Davis and Fry are as confused as the rest of the nation at the Hawkeyes’ performance this season, but they both chalked that up to senility. They’re mystified by the play of Ricky Stanzi, perplexed by the success of the no-name running backs, baffled by the defense’s ability to create turnovers and flummoxed by e-mail, Facebook and the interwebs. Well, join the club, guys (except for the last part). All that being said, why bet against Iowa now? In fact, why aren’t they favored? What gives? Take the Hawkeyes and remain as dazed and confused as Davis and Fry.

Texas Christian -2.5 BYU
Lightning round time. Never trust a coach with the first name Bronko.

LSU -7.5 Auburn
Stay far, far away from this game. LSU isn’t as good as the experts once thought and Auburn is a mystery wrapped in a riddle, enshrouded by an enigma. Both the LSU offense and Auburn defense rank in the “meh” category. Meanwhile, the LSU defense is good, while the Auburn offense is streaky. All this adds up to absolutely nothing, so I’ll just side with the bookmakers in Vegas. I beg of you, save your money and throw it on The Professor’s Statistically-Proven Lock of the Week, brought to you by National American University.

USC -20.5 Oregon State
Revenge is always worth three touchdowns or more. Need I say more? Ok, revenge is a dish best served cold and a chilly reception awaits the Beavers in Troy this week. Like Stanford and Oregon last season, and Washington next season, Oregon State is going to take a whipping at the hands of the Trojans this week. What do I mean? OK, in 2007, the Cardinal and Ducks beat USC. In 2008, USC trounced the Cardinal and Ducks, only to lose a shocker to Oregon State. In 2009, USC lost a shocker to Washington, but will trounce Oregon State to atone for 2008. In 2010, Washington gets trounced and another team (I’ll take UCLA) pulls the upset. The Professor has foreseen it.

Boise State -24.5 HAWAII
Meh. This game was interesting two years ago. Today? Not so much.

Thus concludes The Professor's Smart Money Picks, brought to you by the City of Chanhassen.

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 4 Smart Money Picks

2009-10-16T13:56:00.004-05:00

I'll bet you thought The Professor was on sabbatical for this season after his first two weeks of picks. I'll bet you thought The Professor got tenured, so he decided to pull a "KCKCKCK as lame duck Athletic Communications Director" routine with his college football handicapping. I'll bet you thought The Professor was a flash in the pan, a one-hit wonder after last season's Pick 'Em Corner Championship.

Well, you thought wrong. The Professor is back and class is in session. So sit up straight, sharpen your pencils and get ready for this week's edition of The Professor's Smart Money Picks.

Pittsburgh -3 RUTGERS

We kick things off with a Big East game that The Professor could care less about. But The Professor being The Professor did his research as I talked to local media celebrity Larry Fitzgerald Sr. After sitting through 45 minutes of Larry explaining to me that the reason Kurt Warner isn't throwing to his son is clearly racial bias, we finally got down to the Panthers vs. Scarlet Knights. When Larry got done pumping his son's tires, he actually gave me great insight. He told me that Rutgers is relying on a true freshman at QB and that this is really the Knights' first real test of the season. Meanwhile, Pitt brings a good defense that will dare the Rutgers QB to beat them. Sadly, you won't see this kind of insight in the Spokesman-Recorder.

MICHIGAN STATE -12.5 Northwestern

This game all comes down to something we know really well in Gopher Nation...mediocrity. To get a good grasp on what it takes to be truly mediocre, I talked to one of The Host's best friends, current Big Ten Network analyst extraordinaire Glen Mason. Mase admitted to his Gopher teams' mediocrity in scheduling and results, but countered with the absence of mediocrity in his wardrobe, extra-white teeth and surgically-enhanced wife. Touché, Coach Mason, touché. In the end, though, Mase told me that Michigan State mediocrity will beat Northwestern mediocrity any day of the week. He's probably correct in that MSU will win this game, but The Professor has a sneaking suspicion that NU will keep this one close, but still lose in mediocre fashion.

MICHIGAN -29.5 Delaware State

The Professor didn't even bother to talk to anyone for this game after seeing that Delaware State lost 9-7 at home to Bethune-Cookman last week. Tate Forcier, Denard Robinson or a homeless woman at quarterback, Michigan is going to destroy the Hornets. I'm tempted to make this my lock, but The Professor got scared off by the large spread.

Texas -3 Oklahoma (Neutral Site-Dallas)
The Professor is really torn on this game. On one hand, you have the big question mark that is Sam Bradford. On the other hand, you have that God-awful first-half performance by the 'Horns against Colorado last week. What ever is The Professor to do? Talk to one-time Pick 'Em Corner panelist Teeks, that's what. Teeks, otherwise known as Kuko or Tory-Tory-Tory, told me that although Bradford is back, he's not yet 100 percent. Teeks has been watching an awful lot of Sooner practices this week and assures me that Bradford is extremely erratic and a little tentative. If I know anything, it's that you should trust in Teeks (except when it comes to having him come up to bat with runners in scoring position).

WISCONSIN -2.5 Iowa
In a battle that should be labeled "The Hate Bowl" because The Professor hates everything to do with these two schools, we have poorly-coached Wisconsin against boring-to-watch Iowa. I didn't bother to talk to anyone for this game as the thought of speaking to someone from these two God-forsaken states makes me ill (sorry, Host, Strickly Cash and C-Noth). Instead, I just broke this game down old-fashioned like. First, Iowa. The Hawkeyes are 6-0 with quality wins over Penn State and Michigan. Wisconsin, on the other hand has wins over cupcakes (Wofford), mid-majors (Northern Illinois, Fresno State) and medicority (Michigan State, Minnesota). Oh, and a resounding loss to Ohio State. That's it, I'm doing it. You hear that sound? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! It's the MasterLock Triple Strong Lock of the Week! There's just too much in favor of the Hawkeyes in this one, on the road or not. Need I remind you that The Professor is 3-0 on his locks this season?

Ohio State -13.5 PURDUE
Let me get this straight. Last week, a mediocre Minnesota beats an awful Purdue by 15 and a decent Ohio State beats an slightly above average Wisconsin by 18. And yet, the Buckeyes are favored by only 13.5? What gives? To find out, I talked to famous OSU alum Jack Nicklaus. He told me that the bookmakers in Vegas are still holding onto the thought that the Boilers are the best 1-5 team in the nation despite a lot of evidence to the contrary. He also told me that the Ohio State offense is so anemic right now that the Bucks might not be able to pull away from Boiler Up. Wow, great breakdown, Golden Bear. It'd be nice to see Gerry DiNardo come up with half as high-quality of an analysis. All that being said, Nicklaus wasn't at TCF Bank Stadium last week when Purdue kept shooting themselves in the foot over and over. If Purdue Pete can't handle the mediocre Minnesota, how is he going to overcome the best team in the Big Ten (for what it's worth)? OSU gets its offense going and Purdue turns the ball over five times. Take the Bucks.

AIR FORCE -10.5 Wyoming
It's The Professor's Ro-Tel Service Academy Game of the Week. And the only way I know how to give you my pick is to sing. So, here goes:

Off we go into the wild blue yonder,
Climbing high into the sun;
Here they come zooming to meet our thunder,
At 'em boys, Give 'er the gun!
Down we dive, spouting our flame from under,
Off with one hell of a roar!
We live in fame or go down in flame.
Nothing can stop the U.S. Air Force!

usc -10 NOTRE DAME

This game means everything for the Irish and the Heisman hopes of Jimmy Clausen. The game is in South Bend. It's the last marquee game on the Notre Dame schedule. Go with the Irish, right? Wrong. While Charlie Weis has been going on and on this week over the significance of this game for the Irish, Pete Carroll has his team do a slip 'n slide competition. That's enough for me. The Professor loves him some slip 'n slide. Fight on.

NEBRASKA -10.5 Texas Tech

Lightning round time. Nebraska is pretty good and 2009 Texas Tech isn't anywhere close to 2008 Texas Tech. Take the Huskers.

FLORIDA -24.5 Arkansas

For this game, I talked to Nolan Richardson...only because he's the only guy I could think of related to Arkansas. He told me that the Hogs have virtually no chance to win this game with their suspect defense, the offense seems to be the gridiron version of 40 Minutes of Hell. To wit, thanks to the emergence of QB Ryan Mallett, Arkansas has scored 48, 41, 47, and 44 points (pay no mind to their 35-7 loss to Bama). Great point, Coach. This Arkansas team can put up some points and Florida is coming off a taxing game, mentally and physically, on the road at LSU. Look for the Gators to take the Hogs lightly at home, keeping the game close until pulling away by three TDs in the fourth quarter. Woooooo, pig sooey!

PENN STATE -16.5 Minnesota

Gopher Nation has been Penn State's achilles heel in recent years, so that trend is enough to pick the Brew Crew in this one (despite the fact that Brewster is facing the Nits for the first time). But to confirm my suspicions, I talked to biggest PSU fan I know - LFK. She went on a tirade about how people should lay off Joe Paterno. "He's a living legend!" LFK screamed. "They named a library after the guy and he's still alive. Not to mention a football coach. Bobby Bowden can't hold JoePa's jock." Thanks for that, LFK. LFK's thoughts aside, Penn State is a good football team, but not great. The offense has the ability to put up points against so-so defenses (a la Minnesota and Illinois), but goes in the tank against good defense (a la Iowa). On the other side of the ball, the Nits secondary is a mess and now they have to face the best receiver in the league. Meanwhile, the Gopher run game showed some life last week and may finally give Brewster's Boys some balance to keep PSU off-balance. I'd love to go out on a limb and call a Gopher upset here, but I'm afraid LFK and her sidekick, The Cornerman, might hunt me down and beat me to a pulp. Instead, I'll just say the Gophers cover.

Virginia Tech -3 GEORGIA TECH

Lightning round time. The Hokies are sneaky good, while the Ramblin' Wreck can struggle to keep up with their Air Force-like offense. Take VT.

Illinois -2 INDIANA

The Ron Zook Farewell Tour hits Bloomington this week and is now featuring a team that has thrown in the towel. Sure, it's a team full of veterans who should know better, but keep in mind these guys were recruited by Zook. Their careers apexed when they were being recruited, much like Zook and his ability to bring in top-shelf talent only to see them get worse year by year under his tutelage. Indiana, meanwhile is, oh who am I kidding? Who cares about Indiana? They're playing a team coached by Ron Zook. Indiana cruises to a 14-point win.

ALABAMA -17 South Carolina

Seventeen points is an awful lot to give a Gamecock team that has been surprisingly decent this season, but Alabama has the best defense in the nation and owns an offense that has also put up a lot of points against some prett good teams. Bama's defense allows their offense to gain just enough points to cover. It might be a 24-6 or 21-3 win, but it's enough for The Professor to do what seems below him when he says, ROLL TIDE TURKEY!

OKLAHOMA ST. -7 Missouri

Really think The Host is starting to mail it in already this season. THIS is the game he decides to close the show with? They second- or third-most significant Big 12 game on the slate this week? Nice work, Host, nice work. Well, to follow his lead, I'll just pick a team and end this week's edition of Pick 'Em Corner on a low note. I like the Cowboys.

And with that dud, thus concludes The Professor's Smart Money Picks.

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 3 Smart Money Picks

2009-10-08T14:10:00.002-05:00

First of all, I'd like to welcome Pick 'Em Corner back to its rightful place in the beautiful city of Chanhassen, ranked the No. 2 place to live in the entire nation by Money Magazine. Sadly, The Professor won't be able to attend The Ultimate Homecoming tonight as I'm a guest lecturer in Sports Hanidcapping at Normandale Community College (those GED gradutates and 45-year-old community college students can't get enough of The Professor).

To make up for my absence tonight in the No. 2 city in which to live, The Professor researched this week's games in true Professor form. I've talked to countless luminaries in the college football world in the effort to provide you, the Pick 'Em Corner viewer, with all the information you'll need to make an informed decision this week with your local bookmaker. Remember last week how The Professor told you to pick with your heart and not with your head? Well, forget that. That was the Grain Belt talking in concert with the foreign surroundings of last week's misguided move to that dump in Bloomington. The Professor wouldn't be The Professor without in-depth research into each of this week's THE PROFESSOR'S SMART MONEY PICKS.

Favorite Spread Underdog (Home teams in ALL CAPS, The Professor's pick in bold)
MINNESOTA -3.5 Purdue
Fans of The Professor already know that he is contractually obligated to pick the Gophers, but after doing some exhaustive research on Wikipedia, it appears that Purdue has traditionally been called the 'Cradle of Quarterbacks.' In that vein, I tried my darndest to get in touch with Jim Everett, but his PR agency kept connecting me with Chris Evert. Needless to say, Chrissy was of no help, so I turned to Kyle Orton for indight on current Boiler QB Joey Elliott. Orton, clearly drunk, told me that Elliott cannot be trusted. Sure, he's thrown more touchdowns than anyone in the league, but he's also leading the conference in picks. Orton, also wary of Elliot's inablilty to grow facial hair at an institute known for coaches with high-quality mustaches, noted that Minnesota learned their lesson from last year and won't have a hangover...unlike that of Orton. Look for Minnesota to crusie in this one.

NORTHWESTERN -19.5 Miami (OH)
I know, I know. Miami is dead last in the nation in scoring and first in the nation in giveaways. And I know. Northwestern has an explosive offense and had six takeaways last week. I don't care. Northwestern has a nasty habit of playing down to its opponent's level and cannot be expected to beat the RedHawks by 20 points or more. Plus, in the Cats' last game against a MAC foe, they squeaked by Eastern Michigan 27-24. To get a better understanding of this game, I spoke to Cat coach Pat Fitzgerald's wife, Stacy. She predictably predicted a Northwestern rout. That's great, Stacy, but I'm done trusting hot coaches' wives after going with Tennessee last week based on the insight from Layla Kiffin. From now on, hot wife = husband's team won't cover the spread. Northwestern wins, but Cats get distracted by Stacy on the sidelines, resulting in a last-minute RedHawks field goal to cover.

PENN STATE -36.5 Eastern Illinois
Ok, Eastern Illinois won't win. They won't even sniff a win. But Penn State already took out its frustrations on the Fighting Zooksters last week. Plus, JoePa & Co. haven't exactly lit the world on fire during a horrible non-conference slate. The Nits haven't beat a non-con team by more than 25 points, so why would they start now against a team allowing only 94 yards on the ground per game? To confirm my pick, I spoke with Saskatchewan Roughrider fullback Chris Szarka, an EIU alum. He told me that the Panthers are still stinging from their 47-21 loss to Illinois last year and have vowed to cover the spread in this game, if only for the fact that fellow EIU alum Kevin Duckworth has $250 riding on this game.

Michigan State -4 ILLINOIS
In preparation for this game, I spoke with new Illinois starting quarterback Eddie McGee. Eddie told me he has absolutely zero confidence in the coaching staff in Champaign and expects the Ron Zook Farewell Tour to take another embarrassing turn this week. In fact, after talking to Eddie, he wired me his second semester tuition money and told me to let it all ride on the Spartans. It sounds like Eddie is making this game his lock of the week. I'm a tad more skeptical and holding my lock for now, but if the Illini starting QB is this sure about the outcome, you should be too.

TENNESSEE -2 Georgia
The Professor hates picking SEC games, but based on his previously-mentioned rule of hot wife = husband's team won't cover the spread, go with the Dogs.

KANSAS -19.5 Iowa State
Lightning round time. Although The Professor's Dad is an ISU alum, it's smart to pick the Jayhawks here.

OHIO STATE -16.5 Wisconsin
Another easy one for The Professor. Although I'm contractually obligated to pick against Bucky (and gladly so), Wisconsin didn't impress me one bit in their win over Minnesota. Scott Tolzien was average at best and the coaching from the Badger sideline was horrible, as the drunk Wisconsin fan (I know that's redundant) behind me at TCF Bank Stadium could attest. Everyone was saying how last week was the game that Wisconsin would be exposed, but they kept forgetting they were playing the Gophers. This week, Bielema's Boys will be exposed big time. Take that, C-Noth!

Alabama -6 MISSISSIPPI
You hear that sound? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! It's the MasterLock Triple Strong Lock of the Week! The Professor absolutely hates doing it, but it worked for him last week, so he'll do it again...ROLL!!! TIDE!!! TURKEY!!! Now I know that's a compelling argument itself, but Ole Miss QB Jevan Snead has been a complete joke this season in the face of huge expectations. As much as I hate him, Nick Saban may be the best coach in the game. Sure, he's as crooked as The Host getting Teammate of the Month, but he can flat-out coach. Houston Nutt will have his team ready, but Bama is just too good and Snead is just too bad.

Oregon -3.5 UCLA
Looks like Las Vegas is just trying to give away money here. I know The Host says if it looks too good to be true, it probably is, (which reminds me of The Host's Teammate of the Month award). But The Host didn't talk to notable betting expert and UCLA coach Rick Neuheisel. Rick told me he was born in Wisconsin, a reason big enough alone to pick against the Bruins. He also told me that UCLA lost by eight to Stanford. Now, if the Bruins can lose on the road to a bunch of smart kids, it's almost a sure thing that they can lose by more than four points at home to a bunch of sketchy kids getting money to play football from Phil Knight. If I could add another lock of the week, it would be right here.

VIRGINIA -6.5 Indiana
I talked to Ron Zook in preparation for this game. Why Ron Zook? I know Ron Zook has no connection to either of these teams aside from coaching in the same league as Indiana. I know Ron Zook hasn't yet faced Indiana this season and knows little to nothing about Virginia. But Ron Zook knows bad coaching when he sees it. And And Ron Zook loves him some Al Groh. That's enough for me. Take the Hoosiers.

OREGON STATE -1.5 Stanford
Don't look now, but Stanford is leading the Pac-10. The Professor talked to a fellow professor for this game - one Bill/Dave Hutton at Stanford University. He doesn't follow much football anymore, but he regaled me with stories of his time with the Stanford band when a group of them went to the LA County Courthouse during the OJ trial and played circus music as the lawyers entered the courthouse. Or of the USC game when, during the halftime show, the Stanford band performed show complete with formations of a knife and a bloody glove, as well as a white Ford Bronco circling the field. That cleverness is reason enough to pick the Cardinal.

TEXAS -32 Colorado
Texas is really good, but Colorado isn't nearly as bad as they have been recently. The Professor hates large spreads and the Buffs have at least the ability to score points with an explosive, yet erratic offense. I spoke with Gopher coach Tim Brewster in preparation for this game, but he gave me nothing to go on. All I got from him was one-liners about hot chili, bear hunting and rock pounding. Thanks, buddy.

tcu -10 AIR FORCE
It's The Professor's Ro-Tel Service Academy Game of the Week. And the only way I know how to give you my pick is to sing. So, here goes:

Off we go into the wild blue yonder,
Climbing high into the sun;
Here they come zooming to meet our thunder,
At 'em boys, Give 'er the gun!
Down we dive, spouting our flame from under,
Off with one hell of a roar!
We live in fame or go down in flame.
Nothing can stop the U.S. Air Force!

Florida -8 LSU
It's the marquee game of the week and The Professor doesn't really care a lick about it. Blah, blah, blah Tim Tebow's brain. Blah, blah, blah Death Valley. Blah, blah, blah racist fans. All I know is some graphic I saw on ESPN. It said something about the last five top-ranked teams to go on the road against a top five team have all lost...or something to that effect. That's enough for me.

IOWA -8 Michigan
Time of some real number crunching to figure this one out. To do that, I talked to famous college football handicapper Brain Ballarini. He gave me the following breakdown:

Michigan is 2-6 against the spread in the last eight head-to-head meetings. Hawkeyes +1
The underdog in this series is 7-1 ATS. Wolverines +1.
The Wolverines are 7-1 ATS on the road as an underdog in the last eight games. Wolverines +1

That's 2-1 in favor of the Wolverines. Listen to the numbers, friends, and you'll win big by following The Professor.

Don't be fooled by Steve Stellar and his archival memory of games from the 1980s. Don't be swayed by KCKCKCK's sponsored picks. Don't let the Cornerman's East Coast bias and East Coast attitude influence your Midwestern sensibilities. And, for the love of God, please don't let a degenerate gambler like The Host take your money. He's just going to throw it on the WNBA and MLS. Be smart. Be educated. Go to class with The Professor.

Thus concludes The Professor's Smart Money Picks.

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 2 Smart Money Picks

2009-10-02T14:32:00.000-05:00

The Professor's Smart Money Picks admittedly struggled in week 1. Bettors deserve better and The Professor is going to prove just how savvy of a handicapper he is by spotting his fellow panelists a subpar week 1 before storming back to repeat as Pick 'Em Corner's champion.

I present to you The Professor's Smart Money Picks:

Favorite Spread Underdog (Home teams in ALL CAPS, The Professor's pick in bold)
MINNESOTA -2 Wisconsin

If you know anything about The Professor, you know that he can't ever (EVER!) pick the Badgers, no matter the matchup or the spread. This is going to be a wild one at TCF Bank Stadium, but I see the Gophers pulling away late after Bucky is exposed for the fraud that he is.

MICHIGAN STATE -2.5 Michigan

You hear that sound? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! It's the MasterLock Triple Strong Lock of the Week! Sparty's back is up against the wall and no coach can rally his troops better than Mark Dantonio. This week for MSU, it's the age-old "us against the world" routine, but it tends to work. Plus, with the decline of family values in Ann Arbor, it really is hard to pick in favor of the Wolverines.

PURDUE -7.5 Northwestern

The Professor is liking the chalk this week as you'll see and this game is no different. Purdue is really not as bad as their record and is only 12 points from being a 4-0 football team. Throw on top of that the tailspin that the loser of the Minnesota-Northwestern game usually goes in and you've got the Purdue Pete winning by 10 or more.

Alabama -16.5 KENTUCKY

It pains me to do it, but ROLL..............TIDE..................TURKEY!!!!!!!!!

Penn State -7 ILLINOIS

Never, ever rely on a Ron Zook-coached team to cover the spread.

GEORGIA -3 lsu

I've got nothing here.

NOTRE DAME -13.5 washington

It kills me to pick the Irish here as I really can't stand Notre Dame, but I trusted Washington last week and they screwed me, so I'm going with Charlie Weis' gut here.

NAVY -3.5 air force

Anchors Aweigh, my boys, Anchors Aweigh.
Farewell to foreign shores, We sail at break of day, of day.
Through our last night on shore, Drink to the foam,
Until we meet once more. Here's wishing you a happy voyage home!

Ohio State -17 INDIANA
If Ben Chappell throws the ball half as well as his coach Bill Lynch throws gum, the Hoosiers will stay within two touchdowns.

TEXAS A&M -1 Arkansas

Only because I yelled out Wooooo Pig Sooey last week and got beat by Roll Tide Turkey.

TENNESSEE -2 Auburn

This one's for Layla Kiffin (I implore you to Google her).

Oklahoma -7 MIAMI (FL)

This one's for Teeks.

usc -5 CALIFORNIA

Cal is a fraud and USC is motivated to further prove it.

IOWA -21 arkansas state

Doing the Chief Illiniwek dance for this one. Don't ask.

OREGON -32 washington state
I'm only picking the Ducks to try to close the gap with my fellow panelists.

Thus concludes The Professor's Smart Money Picks.

Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 1 Smart Money Picks

2009-09-25T09:37:00.004-05:00

The Professor is back. Pick 'Em Corner is back. And most importantly, The Professor's Smart Money Picks are back.

You may remember The Professor's Pick 'Em Corner-best 29-14 record in picking Big Ten games against the spread in 2008. Well, this season, we're branching out beyond the Big Ten and picking a total of 15 games per week, including all Big Ten games, The Professor's Service Academy Game of the Week, all Alabama "Roll Tide Turkey" games and any games featuring Top 25 teams against each other. The remaining games will be filled out by quality storylines associated with the game.

To recap how this works, each game is worth one point and any "Lock of the Week" is worth three. All games are picked AGAINST THE SPREAD (not straight up winners). Standings will be posted on Mr. Heavyfoot after each week.

Don't be fooled by Pick 'Em Corner's other handicappers. The Host finished with an incredibly-awful 17-26 record last year. Cornerman, Coolies, Miss Money and Jimbo hovered around the .500 mark the entire season and never brought you, the bettor, the consistency needed to actually make some money picking college football. Slietes had a winning record in 2008, but even he chalks that up to pure luck. The Professor's most worthy competitor, KCKCKCK, has proven his chops at Pick 'Em Corner, but does he really have you in mind when he makes his picks? Methinks not. He's just fulfilling his sponsor obligations with Jimmy John's.

So, without further ado, I present to you The Professor's Smart Money Picks:

Favorite Spread Underdog (Home teams in ALL CAPS, The Professor's pick in bold)
GA TECH -2.5 North Carolina
Ramblin' Wreck coach Paul Johnson used to coach at Navy. If you know anything about The Professor, you're aware he's an Army guy. Go Heels.

NORTHWESTERN -1.5 Minnesota
Talked to former Gopher assistant Moe Ankeny this week. He still can't find Losli and is calling for the defense to be in Cobra. That's all the insight he gave me on this one. Minnesota may lose this game in a dramatic fashion for the third straight year, but it won't be by more than a point.

MICHIGAN -20.5 Indiana
Talked to disgraced former Michigan QB-turned-WR-turned drug dealer Justin Feagin this week. I don't have anything to add to that. I just wanted to drop his name. Indiana is not a good 3-0 football team (and as a Gopher fan, I know bad 3-0 football teams), but they're not three TDs worse than a young Michigan football team.

WISCONSIN -3 Michigan State
If you know anything about The Professor, you're aware that he never NEVER picks the BADgers, no matter the matchup or the spread. It's a tactic that has worked well in the past as evidenced by The Professor's Pick 'Em Corner-best 29-14 record in Big Ten games last season.

California -5.5 OREGON
Can't say I was overly-impressed with Cal last week, aside from the obvious accolades for Jahvid Best, but Cal is a much superior team to the Ducks. Oregon loves to run the ball, but the Bears thrive on stopping the run. Meanwhile, Cal will learn their lesson from last week and stick with Best, exploiting Oregon's average run defense. On top of all that, Cal QB Kevin Riley is miles ahead of former 5th-string Oregon QB Jeremiah Masoli. This has all the makings of a Cal rout.

Miami (FL) -3 VIRGINIA TECH
I know The U is the trendy pick here and I fully expect Coolies to throw his lock of the week on this game, but really, this is almost a pick-em game, with Vegas giving the Hokies some points based on home field advantage. I talked to that thing on Virginia Tech coach Frank Beamer's neck and it told me the Hokies are lucky to be 2-1. They'll be even luckier if they stay within 10 points of the Canes.

OHIO STATE -14 Illinois
You hear that sound? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! It's the MasterLock Triple Strong Lock of the Week! I know. I know. The Illini gets Juice and Benn back and the Buckeye offense has been streaky at best under Terelle Pryor. I DON'T CARE. Need I remind you Illinois is a Ron Zook-coached team?!? What else needs to be said? Ohio State. Big. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk!

ALABAMA -17.5 Arkansas
The Professor absolutely hates when the entire Pick 'Em Corner panel yells ROLL! TIDE! TURKEY! So I'll counter with WOO! PIG! SOOIE!

Florida -21.5 KENTUCKY
Talked to Kathleen Sebelius, the Secretary of Health and Human Services, and she told me the H1N1 flu virus that hit the Gators last week will have some carryover effects to this game. There's not a chance that Florida loses, but the swine flu will keep this game closer than the experts thing (copyright Lee Corso).

IOWA STATE -10 Army
You know how The Host gets to sing that stupid Ramblin' Wreck song every time a Georgia Tech game is among the picks? Well, now it's The Professor's turn in this week's Service Academy Game of the Week. Ready?

On, brave old Army team,
On to the fray:
Fight on to victory,
For that's the fearless Army way.

Thank you.

PENN STATE -9.5 Iowa
Who hates Iowa? The Professor hates Iowa. The Professor is also aware that Ricky Stanzi is nothing special, not to mention the Hawks' committee of no-name running backs. That's enough for 10 points in my book.

Notre Dame -7 PURDUE
The gut beats the mustache.

STANFORD -7.5 Washington
Otherwise known as the Ty Willingham Bowl, I'm drinking the purple kool-aid in this one and predicting a Huskies win.

HOUSTON -1 Texas Tech
Easily the toughest game of the week to pick, but I'll call Houston's win over Okie State a mirage and Texas Tech's strong showing against Texas a trend. This is going to be a major shootout with the Red Raiders winning on the final drive of the contest.

USC -45 Washington State
45 points?!? HA! I know USC is pissed and Wazzu is awful, but 45 points? No way.

Thus concludes The Professor's Smart Money Picks.

No Beer Here - TCF Bank Stadium to be Dry Thanks to Misguided Law

2009-06-12T15:14:00.011-05:00

(Note: Despite the above banner calling this site a source of fake news, this is an all-too-real opinion column. That being said, this topic sure is ripe for some satire. Stay tuned.)

The relatively big news out of Dinkytown this week is centered on U of M President Bob Bruininks' decision to make the new TCF Bank Stadium a dry venue for all fans during football games. In addition, Bruininks is pulling alcohol from the club rooms/suites at Mariucci Arena and Williams Arena.

Fans, donors and many others are rightfully fired up over this decision, but the vitriol aimed at Bruininks and Athletic Director Joel Maturi is misguided. Anyone who knows the facts about Bruininks' decision knows that this was the only path he could take once the legislature/governor passed this misguided law.

Beer was never going to be served in the cheap seats, regardless of this law being passed or not. The original plan was for alcohol to be sold only in the premium seating areas of the stadium (suites, loges, club seats). Then the Minnesota legislature, in all its wisdom (sarcasm anyone?), decided to pass a law saying that if alcohol was sold/served in one part of the stadium, it had to be sold/served in the entire stadium (this law also now applies to other U venues that serve booze).

So in response to this law, Bruininks issued a press release yesterday afternoon that told of his recommendation "to make TCF Bank Stadium, Williams Arena and Mariucci Arena alcohol-free during athletic events as a result of recent legislation enacted by the Minnesota legislature and signed by Gov. Tim Pawlenty."

Many critics of the U are now calling Bruininks "out of touch" for making this decision, saying he's naïve to think that banning alcohol at athletic events is going to prevent underage drinking and/or alcohol-related problems in the stands. They're partly correct in that students and fans are going to find a way to drink whether or not alcohol is sold in the stadium, but they're missing the point and their criticism is aimed at the wrong institution/person.

It was the legislature and Pawlenty, not the U and Bruininks, that brought about this turn of events. Sure, Bruininks made the final decision, but the legislature forced the U's hand on this and now the athletic department is losing a significant revenue source that has been in the department's budget plans for some time.

While using a lame "it's only fair" logic (more on that later) to pass this law, our lawmakers undercut the University and its athletic department. And what do we have to show for it? A dry stadium (that's not the end of the world), a loss of alcohol revenue and a possible loss in premium seating sales - all helping to hinder the athletic department's ability to be self-sufficient and bringing about the very real possibility of the cutting of a sport or sports in the near future. Nice work, St. Paul.

Not that we should expect it out of our lawmakers in this state, but was there any forethought put into this law before it got passed? Did the legislature really think the U was going to become the first Big Ten school (and one of the few in the entire country) to sell alcohol to the entire stadium?

What was St. Paul's objective in passing this legislation? The answer is simple, really: pandering and populism. Our lawmakers decided to cave in to a handful of whiners who complained that they wouldn't be able to have a drink during a football game, while the "pretty people" were offered beer and wine in the premium seats. Our wise public servants decided to pander to voters in a purely political effort.

And their logic? Well, let's go right to the words of Pawlenty:
"My view is we don't have a two-class society, so you can't just have a situation where you have a beer up in the skyboxes and then nobody else gets the beer."

And Rep. Tom Rukavina, DFL-Virginia, who wrote the preliminary legislation that became the omnibus liquor bill:
“There was an overwhelming feeling in the Legislature that what the Board of Regents did was elitist. If you can afford to sit in the premium seats, you can drink chardonnay, and if you sit in the cheap seats, you get water or pop … We didn’t think that was right.”

So there you have it. The legislature passed this law on the logic of "fairness." Pawlenty, Rukavina and the others who voted for this law used the ridiculous notion that "it's only fair" that if the suite-holders get beer, then all should get beer. As long as we're using that logic, we should to demand wider, cushioned seats, better sightlines from our bleacher seats, access to the DQ Club Room, an expanded food menu, HDTVs at our seats and all the other amenities that premium seat-holders are getting.

No one has been able to explain to me how the notion of "fairness" applies to beer, but not to padded seats or better sightlines.

The lawmakers and those who support this law who say we don't live in a "two-class society" certainly don't get out much, and must never have stepped foot in the Xcel Energy Center or Target Center. You pay more, you get more services (i.e., alcohol). Is that such a foreign concept here?

As a regular season ticket holder, I don’t expect to get the same services that a premium season ticket holder (who is paying a lot more for his/her seat) gets. If a ticket holder in the premium seats get access to a free DQ Blizzard machine in the DQ Club Room, does that mean all should get access to a free DQ Blizzard machine in the DQ Club Room? Fairness, schmairness. Life isn’t fair. The rich get richer. That’s just the way it is. It sucks, sure, that the rich get more, but again, is that such a foreign concept?

Nevertheless, I don’t really care if I’ll have the opportunity to buy a beer or not. If it’s there, I may have a beer during the game. If it's not there, I'll enjoy the game just as much. And if it’s only in the premium areas, it won’t bother me one bit.

A bar in the DQ Club Room at TCF Bank Stadium

Roses Have Thorns, Eh?

2009-05-01T15:54:00.001-05:00

With Guy LaFleur and his kid in jackass kid in some trouble with the law in Canada, we thought it was time to revisit one of the greatest hockey/beer commercials of all time.

Report: Tim Brewster Will Not Tolerate Obesity

2009-04-22T14:14:00.000-05:00

According to reports out of the Gibson-Nagurski Football Complex on the campus of the University of Minnesota, head football coach Tim Brewster (Phillipsburg, N.J.) has no tolerance for the obese and will not tolerate fat people in his midst.

Brewster's distaste for the overweight came to light last week when the Gopher gridiron boss used his account on the social networking site Twitter (Play4Brew) to insult portly Minneapolis Star-Tribune columnist Patrick Reusse. The Twitter post, below, was quickly deleted after Brewster's bosses deemed the "tweet" inappropriate, immature and unbecoming of a Gopher, but Brewster has vowed to continue his fight against fat people.

"On the record, I did not post that comment on Twitter and I don't know how it got on there. Might have been my boy Berezowitz," Brewster said over a bowl of hot chili. "Off the record, you're damn right I wrote that and it would still be up there if it wasn't for my panty waisted bosses in the administration. I'll tell you what, buddy, it's time Gopher Nation stands up to Reusse and all of his fat friends."

Apparently, Brewster's distaste for the overweight began after the reputed super-recruiter lost a heated battle for blue chip Cretin-Derham Hall wide receiver Michael Floyd to Notre Dame, a program led by the beefy Charlie Weis. Brewster took the loss hard, and chose to vent his disappointment by insulting the weight and appearance of the Irish head coach.

"Weis is a slob, a disgrace to Notre Dame, with his dirty mouth and appearance," Brewster said, according to a report on the now-defunct blog Paging Jim Shikenjanski. "Notre Dame will never recruit another Minnesota player until Weis is under 350 pounds."

Since making that statement, Brewster has proved prophetic as the 2009 and 2010 Fighting Irish recruiting classes have, so far, been absent of any Minnesotans. According to rumors out of Gibson-Nagurski, Brewster has chalked up that success to his crusade against the porcine and plump.

Brewster's aversion for the obese went to another level during halftime of Minnesota's 42-21 loss to Kansas in the 2008 Insight Bowl. The Jayhawks, led by the ample-sized Mark Mangino, owned a 28-14 lead at the break that they would not relinquish. Incensed by his team giving up a lead midway through the second quarter, Brewster, once again, chose to roast his coaching opponent.

"Coach Brew was his usual optimistic and positive self before the game and during the first half," former student manager Dominic Lade said. "But at halftime, out came a side of Brewster I had never seen before. He was ranting and raving about how much of a 'fat slob that Mangino is,' and how 'that Syracuse Orange lookalike had no business being on the same field as the Golden Gophers.' Coach Brew had no interest in making halftime adjustments. He just wanted to insult Coach Mangino."

Brewster's dislike of the overweight has several members of the Golden Gopher offensive and defensive lines worried for their future with the program. Minnesota's seven 300-pound linemen - Matt Carufel, Garrett Brown, Chris Bunders, Ned Tavale, Jewhan Edwards, Dom Alford and Jeff Wills - have enlisted the help of the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance in a preemptive strike against any tactics Brewster may use in his war against the overweight.

"Coach Brew has always told us, that if you're going bear hunting, you better be prepared to go get the bear," sophomore defensive tackle Jewhan Edwards (6-2, 324) said. "The bear for us is coach's alleged dislike of the hefty and husky set. Well, we're not going to slay the bear without the help of NAAFA. We're just making sure Coach Brew keeps true to his word when he says this is a big man's game."

According to documents obtained by Mr. Heavyfoot, NAAFA will provide legal counsel to the stout septet should Brewster decide to take his anti-fat people crusade to his own players.

"Mr. Brewster's apparent campaign against the fat is just another in a long line of actions taken against the big, brawny, bulky, burly and even the big-boned in recent years," NAAFA founder and president William Fabrey said. "His level of vitriol and maliciousness toward the roly-poly is troubling to all of us at NAAFA."

Despite the negative publicity received from local and national media and bloggers, Brewster has been unapologetic toward his distaste for the corpulent.

"Hey, buddy, I'll tell you what. I think it's very, very, very tremendous how this nation has turned its attention away from defeating Big Tobacco in favoring of defeating fatsos. Even Fat Pat is noticing the impact he's having on the environment (link). It just goes to show you that ol' Coach Brewster knows what he's talking about.

"I'm real. I'm raw. At times, I'm real raw. I don't care if I offend people when I say I'm against all things fat, overweight and obese. I'm also against the way the words your and you're sound alike but are spelled differently and mean completely different things. Stupid spellcheck."

Wild Fan Taunted for Tucking in Jersey

2009-02-18T15:29:00.005-06:00

This article appears in the Feb. 19, 2009, edition of Let's Play Hockey.

SAINT PAUL – As a group, fans of the Minnesota Wild take their hockey seriously. They’re a knowledgeable and passionate bunch. It appears, however, that some followers of the NHL franchise have taken their love for the Wild and the game of hockey a bit too far.

According to reports out of the Xcel Energy Center, fan Kris Lagasse (Crookston, Minn.) received a healthy dose of verbal harassment from a sizable group of die-hard Wild fans at a recent game at the St. Paul arena. Reportedly, Lagasse had to ask for security assistance from ushers in the second period of the Valentine’s Day game vs. Ottawa when a group of fans heckled the 24-year-old graphic designer for tucking in his replica Derek Boogaard jersey.

“My wife and I were enjoying the game when out of nowhere this group of fans in our section started yelling at me to untuck my jersey,” Lagasse said. “They were merciless. They had half the upper deck chanting, ‘Untuck your jersey,’ followed by the familiar ‘clap, clap, clap-clap-clap.’”

Witnesses report that Lagasse was standing more often than most fans during the game, apparently trying to fire up the Wild with motivational cheers after the team’s three-goal lead started fading in the second period.

“In the first period, I hardly noticed the tucked-in jersey guy,” Section 210 fan Bryan Maus said. “But then, the Wild started going in the tank in the second and he was constantly on his feet, trying to get the fans to cheer ‘Let’s go, Wild’ and stuff like that. Nobody paid much attention to him until they noticed he had his jersey tucked into his Dockers.

“Then the proverbial gloves came off. It started with just a couple of guys yelling at him to untuck his jersey. By the end of the second period, almost half the section was hurling insults and the occasional box of popcorn at the guy. I can’t say he deserved it, but c’mon, who in their right mind thinks a tucked-in hockey jersey looks good?”

Though he received a healthy dose of grief from fellow Wild fans, Lagasse was unapologetic for his wardrobe choice.

“I was taking my wife out to celebrate Valentine’s Day with a little dinner at Fuji Ya followed by the game. I wanted to class up my look a little bit, so I tucked in my jersey. She’s always bothering me to tuck my shirt in and brush my teeth before I go to work, so I just thought she’d be happy with me if I tucked in the jersey for a night out on the town. Boy, did that backfire.”

According to the incident report filed at the arena, ushers were called to Section 210 for fan assistance during the second period. Usher Rob Swoverland was the first on the scene.

“It was an ugly situation. Mr. Lagasse looked like a complete idiot, and if I wasn’t working at the time, I would have probably taunted him, too. After a few near-misses by thrown cups of beer, I finally convinced him to untuck his jersey. But he wasn’t happy about it. His wife, however, was relieved.”

According to Lagasse’s wife, Megan, the tucked-in jersey fiasco wasn’t the first time that Lagasse has been the subject of teasing from fans at a sporting event.

“We go to a lot of Twins games in the summer and, despite the fact that he’s 24 years old, Chris insists on bringing his glove to every game. I understand catching a foul ball is a thrill, but we have season tickets in the upper deck above the left field foul pole. That’s an area no foul ball has ever, or will ever, reach. I love Chris with all of my heart, but what guy over the age of 12 brings his glove to a baseball game?”

Colorblind Hockey Player Keeps Going Offsides

2008-12-10T16:23:00.004-06:00

This article appears in the Dec. 11, 2008, edition of Let's Play Hockey.

BLAINE, MINN. – Area hockey player Geoff Kaiser picked up the sport a mere three months ago, but the Plymouth, Minn., native is already considering hanging up the skates for good due to his rare red-blue colorblindness. A forward for the Elsinore Brewery team in the Norris Division of the SuperRink D League, Kaiser has gone offsides a league record 114 times in 16 games this season, apparently because of his inability to discern the difference between the red and blue lines.

Even though Kaiser, 32, wholly understands the rules of hockey, he routinely gets confused as to which lines are which colors, leading to multiple whistles for offsides during nearly every one of Kaiser’s shifts. Just last weekend in a league game against the rival Bourque Chops, Kaiser skated offsides an astonishing six times in one shift.

"Being colorblind has certainly taken a toll on my development as a hockey player," Kaiser said after a game which featured 29 whistles attributed solely to the hapless forward. "It’s just so darn confusing out there on the ice. I mean, what’s red to you is blue to me and vice versa. It’s like bizarro world. How can I be expected to stay onsides when I can’t tell if the line I just crossed was really red or blue?"

In an effort to combat the obvious conflict of Kaiser’s visual disability with the rules of hockey, Elsinore Brewery teammates have gone to great lengths to solve the maddening problem. Team captain Mike Lunderbergh thought he found the solution upon finishing his box of Fruity Pebbles late last month.

"I’m just polishing off a box of my favorite cereal when I notice something amid the crumbs," Lunderbergh said. "There it was. The solution to all of our problems – 3-D glasses. It seemed like a great idea and it was to a certain extent. The glasses solved the red line-blue line problem, but it sure did a number of Geoff’s depth perception. He wasn’t going offsides anymore, but he was constantly running into the boards. Back to the drawing boards, I guess."

When the 3-D glasses experiment failed, the Elsinore Brewery squad tried several other tactics to handle the issue, including hypnosis, behavior modification, looking into retinal transplants and playing Geoff only when they had a faceoff in the offensive zone. When all those strategies failed, the team turned to league director Sam Lombardo.

"The Elsinore Brewery team came to me with a drastic suggestion to help rid the league of the offsides epidemic that has plagued it since Kaiser started playing hockey," Lombardo said. "Lunderbergh asked the rink manager to re-paint our lines in more Kaiser-friendly colors like green and orange. That just wasn’t going to happen. We’d be the laughingstock of the ice arena world."

The majority of Kaiser’s teammates have been nothing but supportive as Kaiser has battled his colorblindness on the ice. Some Elsinore Brewery players, however, seem to be losing patience.

"Listen, I like Geoff. I respect Geoff. I just don’t understand Geoff," veteran defenseman Karl Coughlin said. "How hard is it to figure out that the center line is red and the other two lines are blue? Seriously, I’ve had just about enough of this. If he doesn’t quit, I quit."

Other team members have taken a more pragmatic, look-on-the-bright-side approach to the problems that Kaiser has brought to the ice.

"I’m as annoyed by all the whistles as the next guy, but I’ll tell you this, I’m getting really good at taking faceoffs," center Stefan Gellar said.

Kaiser claims he didn’t anticipate the impact his visual disability would have on the Elsinore Brewery team and the SuperRink D League.

"I really didn’t expect my colorblindness to be a problem in hockey," Kaiser said. "I mean, it’s never really been an issue before...aside from my short-lived career as a high school quarterback when I passed to the wrong team because I thought they’re wearing blue when they were really wearing red. Oh, and every four years during election time, the whole red state-blue state thing gets really confusing. Come to think of it, maybe the reason I get pulled over all the time for running red lights has something to do with me having trouble seeing red. I guess I should have seen this coming."

Lunderbergh has called a team meeting to address the future of Kaiser on the Elsinore Brewery team. League officials are anxiously awaiting the team’s decision.

"As officials, we need to stay as impartial as possible," linesman Jim Backlin said. "But the sooner Kaiser is done as a hockey player, the better. I’ve gone through 14 whistles this season. My whistle budget is through the roof."

Big Ten Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 9 Picks

2008-11-21T14:10:00.002-06:00

The Professor is done. Done gloating. Done ripping on his fellow Big Ten Pick 'Em Corner participants. Done trying to convince you, the bettor, that you should follow The Professor.

As a wise man once said, "The proof is in the picks." Well, like a mathematical theorem, The Professor has the proof and the proof is The Professor's Smart Money Picks:

In honor of the final week of the Big Ten regular season, The Professor is throwing a bit of a curveball to his followers. This week, I'm giving you actual quotes from the Big Ten community in defense of my picks. We start off with "The Game," except this year, it's just "A Game." A spread of 20.5 points is an awful lot in a rivalry that hasn't seen a victory margin of 20 or more since a 28-0 Michigan win in 1993, but 2008 is not like the past 14 meetings between these two schools. ESPN analyst and former Buckeye knows this:

"[The Wolverines] stink, they're not very good. They don't play offense ... they can't run it consistently, they can't throw it consistently, they can't stop the run, they're not very good defending the pass, they're not very good covering kicks, they're not very good returning kicks."

Even Wolverine great Desmond Howard admits his team sucks.

"...the way they've lost some of those games...it's not like they were trying to learn a spread offense (as much as) like they were trying to learn how to play football in some of those games, they looked so bad. This isn't Michigan, this is like Michigan Tech. Now, there's a way to lose, and there's a way to look embarrassing....As a player, you have to have some pride to go out on the field and do certain things that show you're a football player."

I don't know about you, but if Spielman and Howard both are saying essentially the same thing, that means the Winged Helmets are primed for a bloodbath. Take the Bucks and the points. Final Score: Ohio State 42, Michigan 13 (OHIO STATE -20.5 vs. Michigan).

In the Old Oaken Bucket game, it's Tiller Time's farewell vs. the merciful end of Indiana's season. I'll be the first to say that I just don't understand this spread. Eleven points?!? The Boilers hav won three games this season and only one was by more than a touchdown. Now, granted, Indiana is dreadful, but their losses by 10 points or more have come to decent teams (Ball State, MSU, Iowa, Illinois, UW, PSU). Purdue is not a decent team. To verify my suspicion with this spread, we turn to Tiller Time. He's sure to have put a lot of thought into his game plan, especially in regards to his quarterback situation.

"We'll probably start Curtis just out of courtesy to Curtis, as a senior."

Okayyyy. So, what Joe's telling us here is that he's pretty much mailed it in. On the other sideline, Bill Lynch certainly will have an insightful thing to say about this passionate rivalry.

"Having this game at the end is better than having this in the middle of the season."

Okayyyy. So, what Bill's telling us here is it's nice the end of the season is near and it's nice they actually have a chance to win against a bad Purdue team. You won't win, Bill, but you will cover. Final Score: Purdue 22, Indiana 20 (Indiana +11 vs. PURDUE).

Now it's time for the real "The Game" of the weekend. Penn State is going for its second league crown in four years, while Michigan State silently cheering for Michigan to pull off the upset in the 'Shoe, setting the table for a Sparty win over the Nits to vault into the Rose Bowl. You'd think with all that on the line, the talk in Happy Valley would be on the big tilt. Instead, the Penn Staters are talking about JoePa's arthritic hip. Numerous column inches in Pennsylvania newspapers have been devoted, not to Nits vs. Spartans, but to a near-82-year-old man's right leg.

"The hip is not a difficult thing for an 80-year-old man to return from," said Easwaran Balasubramanian (I'm not making up that name), chief of orthopedic surgery at Northeastern Hospital. "Complications are always there. Among them are infection and blood clots. But an infection occurs only 0.5 percent of the time. Blood clots are more common, but the significance isn't major. He'll be on a walker for about three weeks and then a cane for a couple of weeks."

When Happy Valley isn't worrying about JoePa's hip, they're worrying about QB Daryll Clark's sudden loss of ability to play football. David Jones of The (Harrisburg) Patriot-News:

"He's rushing every movement, all jerks and abrupt stops. Nothing is smooth or relaxed. Worse, he's begun throwing either off his back foot or with no stride at all, feet flat as if entombed in set cement.

Worse yet, it seems Clark's teammates are a tad worried about their quarterback's confidence level. I give you Deon Butler:

"Guys just need to relax and calm down and we need to get back to our old ways when we played with a lot more confidence, a lot more swagger. Now it's like, 'I hope we get the first down.'"

All of this is adding up to at best, a narrow Penn State win, or at worst a Michigan State upset. But does Sparty have what it takes to pull off the huge win in State College? The stats show that MSU has four victories against teams with winning records, but none against ranked opponents. In their last chance to make a statement, the Fighting Dantonios fell flat on their face in Columbus. Predictably, Dantonio is playing the respect card this week.

"That's a continuous thing that you fight, that respect factor. This is a world of instant gratification. People want it and want it now. We are truly a work in progress, but we come to play. And as long as you come to play and we play with confidence and we know what we're doing on that end, we'll always have a chance."

I know all the talking heads say when they hear Brewster's pre-game braggadocio, they want to strap on the pads and get out there, but for The Professor's smart money, no one says it as well as Mark Dantonio. It is for that reason, and the fact that JoePa's hip is a major news story, that The Professor is predicting a Michigan State upset this weekend. Sorry, Keisers. Final Score: Michigan State 31, Penn State 28 (Michigan State +14 vs. PENN STATE).

Now it's time for Wickstrom vs. Coughlin. Let's go right to the quotes. Illinois defensive end Will Davis doesn't sound too confident in his schizophrenic team's ability to take home the Sweet Sioux Tomahawk:

"We're all competitors and we lost some games we shouldn't have lost. We lost to teams we felt we could beat, so that hurt. The hardest part is getting it out of your head and getting ready for the next team."

For Northwestern's part, I turned to former 'Cat head coach Denny Green for one of his pearls of football wisdom:

"Northwestern has a place in the Big Ten. Northwestern has a place in major college athletics."

Sounds good on paper, right? Well, not exactly. Denny said that with a look that says he's not entirely convinced by his own statement. Not to be outdone, Illinois assistant coach had this to say, channeling his inner Denny:

"We have to find a way to come out every week and play (hard) because when we play we can play with anybody. And when we don't, we can lose to anybody.''

Clearly, these quotes aren't helping me pick this game, so we'll go with a very telling stat: since 1993, the team with the better record has won 14 out of 15 times. That's enough for me. Take the Cats. Final Score: Northwestern 24, Illinois 20 (NORTHWESTERN +3 vs. Illinois).

Time for the game to determine who takes home a bronze pig. Joel Maturi sounds as if he's predicting a loss this week:

"Going into this season, most people would have been ecstatic with a 7-5 record going into a bowl game. The bigger picture is that we've made great strides here no matter what happens. You either win two more or you win one more or you lose two. We will deal with whatever happens."

Looks like the Athletic Communications office still can't stop Joel from saying stupid things. It also looks like the long-standing head-butting between the AD and football coach is still going strong. The Brew Crew says:

"To me, it's such a bad way to end the year if you lose. You have a double deal, if you lose to Iowa and lose the bowl game. What type of momentum do you have then off of a season when you had a lot of momentum?"

For Iowa blogger "Nefarious," the result of this game has already been decided:

"Go back and look at last year's Iowa schedule. Now look at this year's schedule. Notice anything bizarre? That's right. This year, we've beaten every team we lost to last year, and lost to every team we beat last year. Now, at first I was willing to chalk this up to coincidence. Then, after the Illinois game, it was a legitimate theory, but after the Penn State game. This is clear demonstrable evidence of a very real curse."

Thanks for that analysis, Nefarious, but The Professor doesn't go with trends. I'm not trendy. Instead, I'll go with a true curse - that of Gopher Football and the Metrodome. We all know what's going to happen on Saturday in the Dome, don't we. First quarter: close game, Minnesota ahead by a field goal. Second quarter: Gophers get hot and build a 17-point lead. Third quarter: Goof Troop goes completely off their game plan from the first half and just goes into a shell, hoping to hold the lead. Iowa closes the gap to six. Fourth quarter: Hawks build momentum and make a field goal to trail by three. Gophers respond with about two and a half minutes to go with a field goal of their own to lead by six. Thirteen seconds to go and Iowa is on the Minnesota 25. Everyone is covered deep, so Stanzi tries a mid-zone pass to Johnson-Koulianos. In a fitting end to the Dome era, Stanzi's poorly-thrown pass deflects off the umpire's head and falls into the hands of Andy Brodell who scampers into the end zone. Iowa makes the extra point and wins by one. Minnesota still covers. Mark it down. This will happen. Final Score: Iowa 27, Minnesota 26 (MINNESOTA +6 vs. Iowa).

Finally, we get to the game everyone is talking about: Cal Poly at Wisconsin. Wait, everyone isn't talking about it? And it's deer opener in Wisconsin?

"I don't know what to anticipate; it is kind of an unusual situation," said Vince Sweeney, senior associate athletic director. "The thing we could compare it to is when we played Buffalo two years ago and we had a pretty good turnout that day."

Seeing that the spread was set by Gellersfeld, there's no way it's an accurate representation of the matchup. Nevertheless, Wisconsin will take Cal Poly lightly and the deer hunter-sparse crowd will take some juice out of the Camp Randall vibe. Bucky wins, but closer than the "experts" think. Take the Mustangs. Final Score: Wisconsin 37, Cal Poly 30 (Cal Poly +25 vs. WISCONSIN).

Thus concludes The Professor's Picks of the Week. Remember, "The 'Smart' Money is Always on THE PROFESSOR."

Big Ten Pick 'Em Corner Current Standings (week 8)
The Professor – 29-14 (4-1)
KCKCKCK – 26-17 (3-2)
Wick – 20-17 (2-3)
The Intern – 20-17 (4-1)
Slietes – 23-20 (2-3)
Mighty – 22-21(4-1)
Coolies – 22-21(1-4)
Jimbo – 22-21(2-3)
Cornerman – 21-22 (4-1)
Traeny – 18-20 (2-3)
The Host – 17-26 (3-2)
The Veteran – 12-20 (0-0)

Big Ten Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 8 Picks

2008-11-13T15:22:00.004-06:00

Some have said The Host's lenghthy gambling history makes him the strongest handicapper in Big Ten Pick 'Em Corner. A 14-24 season record says otherwise. Would he lead you astray? Yes. Yes he would.

Others say The Cornerman's experience working for two Big Ten universities on opposite ends of the "strength of football program" spectrum gives him invaluable insight into the conference. A 17-21 record says he has learned nothing in his travels around the league. If you've gone with his picks, he's put you in the corner.

Still others say with a name like The Veteran, he must know what he's doing. A 12-20 record says he does not.

Only a fool would follow the picks of someone we refer to as The Intern. A .500 record confirms this.

Coolies gets a little credit for resurrecting Pick 'Em Corner, but he's really only good at picking Purdue games.

Then there are the upstarts. Wick, Slietes, Jimbo, Traeny and Mighty are all over the map on their picks, but they don't back up their predictions with solid analysis in the form of a time-wasting e-mail. They cannot be trusted.

Finally, that brings us to the cream of the crop, KCKCKCK and yours truly, The Professor. KCKCKCK and his second-place record is only out to make money for his sponsor, Erberts & Gerberts, so why not turn to the first-place handicapper who has you, the bettor, in mind? I'm just here to educate, so students, sit down, be quiet and prepare to learn. These are The Professor's Smart Money Picks:

In a battle between the last two Goof Troop opponents, we have the Mildcats visiting Meeeeeeeeeeechigan. You'd think seeing these two teams play the Gophs would help in picking this game, but the Brew Crew was dreadful in both contests, so they're of no help. To figure this game out, I talked to all-time great UM basketball coach Tommy Amaker. Given his history with smart-guy schools Duke, Seton Hall and Harvard, Amaker was enamored with Northwestern and begged me to pick the 'Cats. I would, Tommy, but you're just not a reliable Big Ten mind. I mean, you never made it to the NCAA Tournament and you have a reputation of underacheiving and falling apart in pressure situations. Your word just cannot be trusted. Instead, we look to the history books. Michigan has won 33 of the 40 contests in Ann Arbor in this series and is on a five-game win streak vs. NU. True, this ain't your typical Wolverine squad, but they're still Michigan and Northwestern is still Northwestern. Take the Winged Helmets at the points. Final Score: Michigan 29, Northwestern 21 (MICHIGAN -3.5 over Northwestern).

You hear that sound? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! It's the MasterLock Triple Strong Lock of the Week! It's been awhile since I've given you a lock, but that's because it should be assumed that all my picks are locks. Anyway, in Happy Valley, the Nits are favored by an astounding 35.5 points over the woeful Hoosiers. The Fighting Keisers are fuming over their loss last week to the Fighting S'felds and ready to take out their frustrations on IU. If we were picking straight up, this would be the easiest game to pick all season, but instead we have 35.5 points staring us in the face. To find out if Indiana is really 35.5 points worse than Popcorn Paterno, I spoke with the Indiana student who held up the bedsheet with the words "Fire Bill Lynch" written on it at the last Hoosier home game. He told me the Hoosier players didn't take his editorial on the IU head coach too well and he's now in Steve Bartman-like hiding somewhere on the Bloomington campus. That says a lot, because if there's one thing I know about Indiana Football, it's that that team can get fired up for their coach...whether he's living or not. Penn State runs away with this game, but Indiana plays hard for Lynch. That's good enough for a 35-point deficit, enough to cover. Final Score: Penn State 38, Indiana 3 (Indiana +35.5 vs. PENN STATE).

Remember last week when I told you about Ohio State watching video of Northwestern's 2004 win, inspiring them to a convincing win over the 'Cats to cover the 10.5 points last weekend? Well, the Fighting Waleriuses just might be inspired to the tune of 10 points or more this week after Head Sweater Vest showed his squad video of last season's loss to the Fighting Wickstroms. On the other hand, remember last week when I enlightened you on the Illini's trend of alternating wins and losses? Well, schizophrenia reigned again last week as the Zooksters dropped a 23-17 Motor City Bowl preview to Western Michigan. So, what trend do I go with? This one is easy. When in doubt, never side with a Ron Zook-coached team and never count on a mentally ill team to stick with a trend. Instead, go with a Buckeye squad hitting their stride on both sides of the ball. Final Score: Ohio State 35, Illinois 23 (Ohio State -9.5 over ILLINOIS).

Our next game has trap written all over it. For the underdog Boilers, the quarterback situation is still a mess in the 12th week of the season; the squad is playing for little more than pride and the Tiller Time Farewell Tour; and Purdue is mired in last place with one league win. For the favored Hawkeyes, confidence is high after the big win over the Fighting Keisers; they're on the verge of a top four bowl with two more wins; and it's Senior Day in Iowa City. Here's the problem, 1) Although Purdue has seven losses, only one has been by more than 17 points, 2) Ricky Stanzi is still Ricky Stanzi, 3) an emotional letdown can be expected by the S'felds after last week's big win, and 4) Purdue's defense has been good against traditional offenses. I'm really debating this pick after seeing The Host agreeing with me, but 17.5 points are just too much for Purdue to lose by. Tiller Time loses, but only by 14. Final Score: Iowa 21, Purdue 14 (Purdue +17.5 vs. IOWA).

I think it's time for me to renegotiate my contract with Pick 'Em Corner. The contract I signed a few years back precludes me from ever picking Bucky, even if every fiber of my being is saying, "Pick Bucky." That was the case last week with Wisco vs. IU, but I am contractually obligated to go against the Evil Red Empire. As much as I don't want to this week, I'll stick with this practice even though I'm convinced the Goof Troop is going to get thoroughly embarrassed in Madison. Remember last week when I told you Minnesota was a fraud? Was I right or was I right? Don't get me wrong, I love picking against Bielema's Boys and rooting for their opponent week in and week out is one of the few pure joys in life, but there is no way the Brew Crew stays close in this game. In fact, I'm making this my first-ever Bizarro World Reverse Lock of the Week. Click-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrr! Click-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrr! Click-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrr! I'm going to pick Minnesota to cover the 13.5, but you should not. Final Bizarro Score: Wisconsin 33, Minnesota 20 (Minnesota -13.5 vs. WISCONSIN). Remember, this is my Bizarro pick. If you want to win, do the complete opposite.

Thus concludes The Professor's Picks of the Week. Remember, "The 'Smart' Money is Always on THE PROFESSOR."

Big Ten Pick 'Em Corner Current Standings (week 7)
The Professor – 25-13 (5-1)
KCKCKCK – 23-15 (4-2)
Wick – 18-14 (3-3)
Slietes – 21-17 (4-2)
Coolies – 21-17 (4-2)
Jimbo – 20-18 (4-2)
The Intern – 16-16 (0-0)
Traeny – 16-17 (3-3)
Cornerman – 17-21 (2-4)
Mighty – 18-20 (3-3)
The Host – 14-24 (2-4)
The Veteran – 12-20 (4-2)

Big Ten Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 7 Picks

2008-11-07T10:29:00.003-06:00

A tough week for everyone but Slietes and Jimbo last week. Even The Professor suffered his first sub-.500 week. I guess that's what I get for jumping on the Brew Crew bandwagon.

Another tough week of picks in the Big Ten this week as no spread is set at less than a touchdown. Better have some conviction in your handicapping this week.

The Professor stands at 20-12 on the season. Now students, sit down, be quiet and prepare to learn. It's time for The Professor's Smart Money Picks.

A rejuvenated, albeit still banged-up Northwestern squad gets the pleasure of welcoming the surly and well-rested Sweater Vests this week. Bye weeks have meant trouble in the Big Ten this season - the Goof Troop being the exception. Under Coach Sweater Vest, the Bucks are 1-4 after bye weeks, but in those previous post-bye games, the Buckeyes had gone into their off week on the heels of a victory. So what's this mean for OSU and the 10.5 points they need to cover? Well, to find out, I talked with fellow handicapper Steve Geller. Take it away, Coolies. "Let me take you back to 2004 when Glen Mason was doing his best to get us back to Nashville. The 'Cats had just come off a 43-17 loss to the 19th-ranked Gophers, while OSU was 3-0 and coming off a bye. What happened? A 33-27 overtime win for Northwestern. Need I say more?" No, Steve, you don't. I'll take it from here. The Bucks won't be caught sleeping in 2008. They're pissed off, thanks to the Fighting Keisers, and they just got done watching a video clip of NU fans celebrating after that 2004 win. The 'Cats QB situation is still a mess - Kafka's performance was against a Gopher defense playing in its 2007-style - and OSU is looking for a big rebound from their last game. Take the Vests and the points. Final Score: Ohio State 34, Northwestern 17 (Ohio State -10.5 over NORTHWESTERN).

It truly is time for Tiller Time to end. The Boilers inexplicably score 48 points with Justin Siller at the helm and Tiller is still planning on running Curtis Painter out there to take on Sparty? What gives? Why the love affair with the vastly overrated Painter? I just don't get it. So, I asked Tiller himself. In reference to why he might start Painter over Siller, he actually said, "Well, you haven't been on the practice field with us, so you really don't know." Wow, just wow. Are we talking practice field here? (http://awfulannouncing.blogspot.com/2008/11/ai-revists-his-famous-practice-speech.html) Practice field? Tiller has gone off the deep end and it's time to bring in Mustache #2 now. Brian Hoyer is getting going, Javon Ringer is still a stud, it's Senior Day in East Lansing, Purdue only beat Michigan by six points last week (and allowed 42) and Tiller is starting Painter. That adds up to more than 10 points to me. Take Sparty and the points. Final Score: Michigan State 27, Purdue 13 (MICHIGAN STATE -10 over Purdue).

We wrap up the non-conference slate in the Big Ten with a real barn-burner - Illinois vs. Western Michigan in Ford Field...wait, Ford Field? Huh? Is this like a Motor City Bowl Preview or something? Why Ford Field? Color me confused. Anyway, Illinois is the definition of a schizophrenic team. To wit: the Fighting Wickstroms have alternated wins and losses for each of the last six games. In the business, that's called a trend. To take this game's pulse, I spoke with someone who knows schizophrenia quite well, my good friend Tyler Hirsch (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCgqLXc8ZUQ). All I got out of him was something about him being the Messiah or something, so I turned to the numbers. Here we go: Western Michigan beat Northern Illinois who lost to Minnesota who beat Illinois, while Illinois has Ron Zook as a head coach, players breaking each others' jaws and a nasty case of the aforementioned schizophrenia. I'm not sure Illinois will lose this game, but the Broncos' offense keeps this one close. Final Score: Illinois 42, Western Michigan 40 (WESTERN MICHIGAN +7 over Illinois).

Now it's time for my weekly justification of why I'm picking against Bucky. It's an easy one this week: Bret Bielema is (take your pick) immature/insane/arrogant/assholeish/a bad coach/just plain stupid/a perfect fit for the state of Wisconsin. Bielema blew Bucky's chance at a win over Michigan State by being a childish jerk to the sideline officials, resulting in a 15-yard penatly which led to a MSU comeback. He's apologized to everyone, but even his players sound a little miffed at their coach's immaturity. I give you Wisco safety Chris Maragos: "Obviously, he feels horrible about the penalty. But at the same time, we're out on the field. It should never come down to any penalties, whether it's pass interference, coaches or whatever it might be. We need to do our job." Great timing on Bielema's reverting back to 3rd grade, too. The BADgers were just starting to look somewhat respectable again. Wisconsin wins, but they don't cover. Final Score: Wisconsin 23, Indiana 17 (INDIANA +9.5 over Wisconsin).

Time for the Goof Troop in the Jug Game. I'm sorry to say it, but I'm off the bandwagon (until next week). Fans can argue all they want, but Brewster's Boys were exposed for the fraud that they are last week against Northwestern. The offense is anemic. Exhibit A: Weber to Decker can only take you so far. Exhibit B: The running game is as bad as we expected it would be without Duane Bennett. Exhibit C: This ain't a Mason-era offensive line. On the other side of the ball, we've just been plain lucky. Winning the turnover battle is important, but it's not exactly something you can count on being there game in and game out...especially with a sputtering offense. Lucky for the Goof Troop they have Michigan and their case of fumblitis coming into the Dome this week. That being said, as bad as Michigan has been this year, they've got some things going for them in this game. 1) They've never lost in the Dome. 2) Their offense has been decent in recent weeks. And 3) They're still Michigan (though they're masquerading as the 2007 Gophers). Make me regret this pick, Goof Troop. Final Score: Michigan 27, Minnesota 26 (Michigan +8 over MINNESOTA).

I'm getting bored with my own analysis at this point, so I'll go with the tried and true method of picking the opposite of what The Host picked. It's worked before and it'll work again. The Nits win, but don't cover. Final Score: Penn State 27, Iowa 20 (IOWA +7.5 over Penn State).

Thus concludes The Professor's Picks of the Week. Remember, "The 'Smart' Money is Always on THE PROFESSOR."

Big Ten Pick’em Corner Current Standings (week 6)
The Professor – 20-12 (2-3)
KCKCKCK – 19-13 (2-3)
Wick – 15-11 (1-4)
Slietes – 17-15 (3-2)
Coolies – 17-15 (1-4)
Jimbo – 16-16 (3-2)
The Intern – 16-16 (2-3)
Traeny – 13-14 (1-4)
Cornerman – 15-17 (2-3)
Mighty – 15-17 (1-4)
The Host – 12-20 (1-4)
The Veteran – 8-18 (2-3)

Big Ten Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 6 Picks

2008-10-30T10:42:00.002-05:00

Does anyone else find it ironic (or is it tragic?) that the lone Big Ten Pick 'em Corner participant that actually throws real money on these games currently stands wallowing in second-to-last place in the standings? If only The Host would see the light and go with the only handicapper to post a winning record in five consecutive weeks of the Big Ten season.

Class is in session. These are...The Professor's Smart Money Picks:

We start off with the lone non-conference match-up of the weekend with the Central Michigan Hostile and Abuse Nicknames against Indiana. The tendency here is to go with an Indiana team that ruined KCKCKCK's Northwestern Homecoming, but I'm not so sure that's the right thing to do here. To confirm my suspicions, I talked with former CMU quarterback and Survivor: Guatemala contestant Gary Hogeboom. He told me not to sleep on his former squad, citing the Chippewas' four-game win streak after a one-TD loss on the road at Purdue. Despite their win last week, questions abound on the Hossier sideline on who's going to play QB. Ben Chappell was good last week, but Kellen Lewis was good last year. Who do you start? It really doesn't matter because CMU QB Dan LeFevour is better than both of those hacks. Final Score: Central Michigan 28, Indiana 20 (Central Michigan +2.5 over INDIANA).

We already know how The Professor is picking the next game, so why provide the jocular, witty breakdown? Well, because my breakdowns are usually jocular and/or witty. It's a similar story in both Buckyville and Spartyville this week as both squads think they have things back on track after big wins last weekend. The problem is, who did these teams actually beat? Wisco took down a vastly overrated Illinois squad, while MSU dropped the 2007 Golden Gophers (aka 2008 Michigan). What do those wins actually tell us? Absolutely nothing in The Professor's book. So, to gain some perspective on why I'm going to pick against Bielema's Boys this week, I spoke with my good friend Jud Heathcote. Coach Heathcote told me he loves the passion Mark Dantonio brings to the sideline and thinks Bielema is an arrogant a**hole. That's enough reason for me to pick Sparty. Thanks, coach. Final Score: Michigan State 24, Wisconsin 17 (MICHIGAN STATE -4 over Wisconsin).

On to Homecoming at the Metrodome. This has trap game written all over it. The Goof Troop is brimming with overconfidence; they've won three straight; they're at home for Homecoming; and they might be tempted to look ahead to the Little Brown Jug game next week. Northwestern, meanwhile, is reeling from an embarrassing Homecoming loss to Indiana; they'll be without the services of starters CJ Bacher and Tyrell Sutton; and they wear purple. To get a drug-influenced viewpoint, I turned to former Minnesota and Northwestern employee "Pablo" Morales. The Puerto Rican Dream told me the loss of Bacher just might do the Gophers some favors as his replacement, Mike Kafka, is a more athletic quarterback like Juice Williams, Kellen Lewis and Justin Siller. Imagine my surprise when I fact-checked Morales' analysis and found he's actually correct. Why does this matter? Well, the Goof Troop has shown a surprising ability to shut down athletic quarterbacks this season (Terrelle Pryor's performance notwithstanding). Throw on top of that a good crowd, another chance for revenge and a chance to take some real momentum into the rivalry portion of the schedule, and you'll see The Professor still firmly entrenched on the Minny bandwagon. Final Score: Minnesota 21, Northwestern 10 (MINNESOTA -6.5 over Northwestern).

It's time for another of this season's Big Ten stinker games as Purdue hosts Michigan. Anyone outside the Ann Arbor and West Lafayette city limits should be shot for watching this game. Absolutely no one wanted to talk to me about this game, so I'll go with the tried and true method of picking the complete opposite of what The Host picked. Go Tiller Time. Final Score: Purdue 6, Michigan 3 (PURDUE -2 over Michigan).

The oddsmakers are basically giving Illinois the nod over Iowa based solely on home field advantage. What they're apparently not taking into account are several factors that add up to an Iowa win. 1) Ron Zook has never beaten Kirk Ferentz since coming to Illinois, 2) The Fighting Wickstroms looked particularly awful last week at Wisconsin, 3) Illinois is a Zook-coached team, 4) Iowa is well-rested after a bye week which was after two convincing wins, and 5) Iowa beat Wisconsin 38-16 in their last game, while Illinois lost to Wisconsin 27-17 in their last game. Oh, and Illinois is coached by Ron Zook. I talked with Zook to learn more about this game, and he agreed with me. "Never bet with one of my teams. I'm just not a very good football coach." Enough said. Final Score: Iowa 35, Illinois 30 (Iowa +2.5 over ILLINOIS).

Thus concludes The Professor's Picks of the Week. Remember, "The 'Smart' Money is Always on THE PROFESSOR."

Big Ten Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 5 Picks

2008-10-23T10:49:00.001-05:00

The Professor just keeps on winning. Make that four weeks in a row with a winning record. After last week's 4-1 showing (Coolies had the Prof at 3-2, trying to cheat me out of a win), the Professor stands in second place in the Big Ten Pick 'Em Corner Standings behind the dumbfounding spectactular start by Wick.

On to The Professor's Smart Money Picks:

For this game, I didn't talk to anybody but myself. It was time for a little introspection. In two out of the past four weeks, I bucked the trend, went with the Hoosiers...and lost. Imagine my bankroll had I seen the light earlier on the Fightin' Randle-Els. Well, I'm done with IU now, and I'm sure that means they'll turn the ship around. Nevertheless, Northwestern will just be too much to handle for the broken down Hoosiers. There's just too much going against IU to think they'll keep this game close: their 2007 bowl season is looking like a mirage; the inspiration gained from the untimely death of Coach Hoeppner has apparently worn off; Kellen Lewis seems a little fragile when not on drugs; and it's that time of year when everyone in Bloomington starts looking ahead to bouncy ball season (even if that program is a shell of its former self). Final Score: Northwestern 27, Indiana 13 (Northwestern -8 over INDIANA).

Normally, The Professor's long-standing tradition of picking against the Badgers ends up coming back to haunt him. The Professor knows this, but it's too much of a feel-good pick to go against Bucky. This season, it seems I'm getting re-paid for making all those anti-Wisco picks as the Stinkin' Badgers just keep getting worse and worse. Talk about feel-good picks. This week, Bielema's Boys welcome the Fighting Wickstroms. My brain is telling me there's no way Wisconsin falls to 0-5 in the league, but my heart is saying otherwise. To get the inside dish on the Wisco program, I turned to UW AD Barry Alvarez. I was sure he'd stick up for his hand-picked coach and give the squad a vote of confidence as it faces Illinois' high-powered, turnover-prone offense. Barry never returned my calls, however. Apparently, I'm not the only member of the media/handicapping community that can't get Barry to talk (http://www.badgerbeat.com/news/article/id/310581). All the more reason to pick a big Wisconsin loss. Final Score: Illinois 35, Wisconsin 9 (Illinois -2.5 over WISCONSIN).

Much like the Indiana game, it's time for The Professor to reverse his thinking on the Goof Troop this season. I've gone against the Brew Crew in two of their three games and the time I did pick them, they lost at Ohio State. It's time for The Professor as handicapper to hop on the bandwagon with The Professor as fan. Call me naive, but how is this game a pick 'em? Minnesota is 6-1 overall, Purdue is 2-5. Minnesota is 2-1 in the league, Purdue is 0-3. Minnesota is third in scoring offense, Purdue is ninth. Minnesota is fifth in scoring defense, Purdue is ninth. Oh and Minnesota is ranked, Purdue not even close. Does home field advantage make up for all of this? Maybe that's good for a Boiler FG. Or is it the Homecoming factor? Nope - look what happened at the Illinois Homecoming. The bye week? I don't buy that. Goldy's poor past showings in God-forsaken West Lafayette? This is college football - the past means so much less as it's a whole new set of players every year. I know I'll regret it, but The Professor as handicapper is now firmly on the Goof Troop bandwagon...until next week. Final Score: Minnesota 24, Purdue 17 (Minnesota 0 over PURDUE).

Off to the state of Meeeeeeechigan for the battle between Michigan (masquerading as the 2007 Golden Gophers) and Michigan State (freshly embarrassed off their big loss to OSU). I talked to Wolverine DE Brandon Graham and he gave me this little gem: "We're not going to lose to State." Thanks, Brandon. That's all I need to hear. You hear that sound? Eeeeeeeerrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! It's The Professor's Lead Pipe Lock of the Week. Michigan will get a little bump in their misplaced arrogance this week as they cite their six straight wins over State, but Mark Dantonio has had this one circled on his calendar for a long time now. It seems silly, but I'm thinking Sparty was looking past Ohio State last week to this week's tilt vs. Rich Rod. MSU comes out fired up and jumps all over Graham and his Winged Helmet bretheren en route to a rout. Final Score: Michigan State 42, Michigan 13. (Michigan State -3.5 over MICHIGAN).

Time for the week's marquee game in Penn State at Ohio State. As a member of the Big Ten, the Nits have never won at the Horseshoe. Ohio State is also 6-4 against the spread over this same period of time. But I talked to ESPN Gameday analyst Lee Corso this week and he told me, "Uh-uh. Not so fast, my friends. The Buckeyes are 1-7 against the spread in their last eight games following a win of more than 20 points and 0-5 against the spread in their last five home games vs. a team with a winning road record. Gimme that Nittany Lion head!" I've got a soft spot for anybody who loves mascots as much as I do, so I'm taking Corso's word and running to the bank with it. Penn State is just too balanced a team to lose this game. They may have been caught looking ahead to this game in the first half of last week's tilt against Michigan, but they won't be caught sleepwalking this week. This contest pretty much decides the Big Ten title. Ohio State will put up a heck of a fight and this will be a close one, but in the end Terrelle Pryor is a freshman and Beanie Wells won't be able to make up for the young QB's mental mistakes. The road teams are going to go a perfect 5-0 this week in the Big Ten. Final Score: Penn State 24, Ohio State 21 (Penn State -2.5 over OHIO STATE).

Thus concludes The Professor's Picks of the Week. Remember, "The 'Smart' Money is Always on THE PROFESSOR."

Big Ten Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 4 Picks

2008-10-16T10:53:00.001-05:00

In true The Professor form, it's time for a little breakdown of the performances on Big Ten Pick 'Em Corner through three weeks:

- Wickstrom is off to a great start, but The Professor chalks that up to sheer luck and a handy dartboard.

- The Host talks a good game and provides you with a fake call-in number, but only once has he finished above .500 with his picks.

- KCKCKCK has put forth a noble effort thus far, but does he really have you, the bettor, in mind when he makes his picks? Methinks not. He's still trying to make money to pay for the Kyle Coughlin Fence of Rememberance.

- Coolies, Cornerman, The Intern and Mighty each have one-win weeks under their belts. Enough said.

- The Veteran is 4-7. Jimbo is 7-10. Looks like someone has been picking Bucky too much.

- Only one Big Ten Pick 'Em Corner participant has posted an above .500 record in all three weeks this season. This same handicapper has the most wins and fewest losses of those who have picked all three weeks. That's right...it's THE PROFESSOR.

On to The Professor's Smart Money Picks.

We start out with a tough game to handicap in Tiller Time vs. the Mildcats. Was Northwestern exposed as a fraud last week vs. Sparty? Is Purdue's defense as good as it seemed in keeping Ohio State's offense out of the end zone? Will KCKCKCK's love affair with the 'Cats continue? To answer these questions, I turned to former Wildcat and current awful Fox 9 football analyst Irv Cross. He told me last week was an aberration for Northwestern and Purdue's offense is so godawful, the 'Cats can't help but pull out a Homecoming victory. Who am I to argue with Irv Cross? Final Score: Northwestern 28, Purdue 23 (NORTHWESTERN -4 over Purdue)

Off to a game where The Professor is having a hard time choosing who he will cheer against. It's Bucky vs. Herky. Wisconsin is off to a horrible start, while Iowa looked to regain a bit of its swagger last week against Indiana. Easy pickings, right? I mean, Bucky is in a tailspin and Herky is rising. To get a different perspective, I turned to college football expert Flavor Flav. That's right, Flavorrrrrrr Flaaaaavvvvvv! Yeaahhhh, boyyyyy! He had this to say, "Dont...don't....don't...don't...don't....don't believe the hype....Don't...don't....don't believe the hype." I took that to mean that Wisco isn't nearly as bad as their 0-3 Big Ten record and Idiots Out Walking Around isn't nearly as good as their 45-9 win over Indiana. I believe Flavor Flav and really want to pick Bielema's Boys, but The Professor wouldn't be holding true to his self if he took Bucky. This one will probably come back to bite me, but picking against the Stinkin' Badgers is always the right thing to do. Final Score: Iowa 24, Wisconsin 17 (IOWA -3.5 over Wisconsin)

It's Beanie Wells vs. Javon Ringer. Terrelle Pryor vs. Brian Hoyer (I have 'em both. Who do I start?). The Dead Schembechlers vs. Hondo's House. Because The Host took a page out of my book, I'll return the favor and give you this little nugget: Ohio State is 8-2 against the spread in its last 10 road games as a road favorite, while Michigan State has won only three of its last 13 games as an underdog. Take the Sweater Vests and the points. Final Score: Ohio State 23, Michigan State 19 (Ohio State -3 over MICHIGAN STATE)

You hear that sound? Eeeeeeeerrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! It's The Professor's Lead Pipe Lock of the Week. Penn State feels pretty good about themselves after the beatdown in Madison, while Michigan seems as soft as Rich Rod says they are after losing at home to Toledo. All signs point to more of the same this week, but to make sure, I talked to misguided Badger devotee Kevin Noth. Why him, you ask? Well, he knows the Nits and the Winged Helmets all to well after his squad laid an egg in contests against both of these programs. He told me that the Michigan loss was inexcusable as the Wolverines are flat-out terrible, but the Fighting Keisers are the real deal. He doesn't buy the line that Michigan will bounce back from its Toledo loss, nor the look-ahead factor for PSU with the Buckeyes a week away. Neither does The Professor. Take the Nits and the points. Final Score: Penn State 48, Michigan 10 (PENN STATE -23 over Michigan)

I know what you're saying. "C'mon Professor, you're all talk and all chalk." You may be right, but you can't argue with an 11-6 record, now can you? In an effort to prove that The Professor isn't all about picking the favorites, I give you the Lynch Mob vs. the Fighting Wickstroms. I didn't talk to anybody for this game because I'll forget about it the second I make this pick. Sorry, The Professor is mailing it in and heading off to vacation this MEA weekend. Illinois wins, but not by enough to cover. Final Score: Illinois 28, Indiana 14. (Indiana +15 vs. ILLINOIS)

Thus concludes The Professor's Picks of the Week. Remember, "The 'Smart' Money is Always on THE PROFESSOR."

Big Ten Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 3 Picks

2008-10-09T11:01:00.002-05:00

You could call 1-800-SUG-WINS for The Host's Big Ten picks and throw away your hard-earned money. Keep in mind The Host owns a dreadful 5-6 pick record this fall.

You could go with The Intern's picks, but you need to remember he's a devotee of Minny wideout Ralph Spry.

You could go with KCKCKCK' picks, brought to you by Jimmy John's, but any picks sponsored by a second-rate sandwich shop are doomed to lose you money.

Or you could go with The Professor, a great Big Ten football mind who uses both a multi-factored analytic scientific process to break down the match-ups, as well as coversations with countless plugged-in individuals around the conference. Any rational person will tell you to go with...The Professor's Smart Money Picks.

We start off with this week's Toilet Bowl game with Iowa at Indiana. Anyone who has followed The Professor's picks knows he's got a few go-to guys at both Iowa and Indiana. To get a little insight into the Hawkeyes, I called the doctor, Dr. Tom Davis. To learn a little more about the Hoosiers, I called Bill Mallory. The Good Doctor told me to f*** off, so I went with Mallory and his sub-.500 record as IU's winningest football coach. He told me that his former club absolutely sucks and who am I to argue with that analysis. Iowa, on the other hand, sucks too. But they suck less as evidenced by their losing the last three games by a combined nine points. Kirk Ferentz is sick and tired of his thugs and rapists not performing as well on the field as they have off of it. Take Iowa. Hawkeyes 24, Hoosiers 17.

I'm smelling a pattern with Dick Rod's Wolverines this season. First, they look awful against Utah. Then mediocre against Miami of Ohio. They follow that up by looking awful against Notre Dame. Then look awesome against Wisconsin. Next they're awful against Illinois. So, this week the Wolverines are on the "up" part of their rollercoaster season and they get to waste it by hosting a 1-4 Toledo team. Toledo may be just as confusing as Michigan though. They lose big at Arizona, then win big at Eastern Michigan. They follow that up with a one-point 2OT loss to Fresno State. Then they go in the tank with big losses to Florida Int'l and Ball State. So, will which Rockets team will we see? To find out, I talked to U of M men's hockey stats coordinator Scott O'Neil. Why him, you ask? Well, he bears a striking resemblance to Toledo head coach Tom Amstutz, that's why. He told me not to sleep on the Rockets, but nobody has a higher opinion of his own opinion that Scott O'Neil. For that reason, I'm picking Michigan to romp on the nation's 110th-ranked scoring defense. Michigan 37, Toledo 10.

It's Tim Brewster homecoming week in Illinois and he wants nothing more than a win over his alma mater. Expect phrases like "we're going to choke their asses out" and "we're going to play a pretty darn good impressive game" as Timmy tries to rally the Goof Troop to pull off the upset. Oh, and lots of "very, very" phrases, too. Problem is, none of that will help. To confirm my suspiscions, I talked to Ron Zook. That's right; no obscure Illini reference here; just Ron Zook. Instead of giving me breakdown on this game, he sent me a photo of how he's been spending his time preparing for this game (above). I'll give you a second to check it out...........That's right!!! The Zooker is so confident in his Illini this week vs. the Goof Troop, he's gone waterskiiing. Enough said. Illinois 44, Minnesota 17.

Ok, let's face it. Purdue is not a good football team and Ohio State is a good football team, but 19 points better? Purdue's pedestrian defense stayed within 14 of a Penn State team that features a better attack than the Sweater Vests. I talked to Ohio State insider Courtney Walerius this week to get some juicy details on some of her favorite Buckeyes. Her insight told me 19 points are too much. For example, she's been hanging out in the football training room lately and has noticed that Beanie Wells is still hampered by that foot injury. She also mentioned that Dane Sanzenbacher looks great in football pants, but I'm not sure that helps me make my pick. To make a long story short, Purdue loses big, but not 19 points big. Ohio State 31, Purdue 17.

You hear that sound? Eeeeeeeerrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! It's The Professor's Lead Pipe Lock of the Week. Northwestern has been a feel-good, surprising story in the Big Ten this year with their 5-0 record, but they've had more cupcakes this season than Tom Amstutz. Michigan State a one-point favorite to the Mildcats? Who's setting this line? KCKCKCK, is that you? To make sure I'm not going crazy, I talked to wacky former MSU coach John L. Smith. He had this to say, "Yeah, I'm very upset with that line! That's a damn mistake! The kids are playing their tails off and the sports books are screwin' it up!" John L. then slapped himself in the face. Love the passion there, John L. Take Sparty and the points. Michigan State 21, Northwestern 14.

Finally, it's Popcorn Paterno vs. Bulimia. It's Nittany Lion vs. Bucky. It's Keiser vs. Noth. In a fight, I'd take Bielema, Bucky and Noth. But this is Big Ten football where drunk, horny band members and old men who can't admit that the game has passed them by rules. The marquee matchup of the week, you've got a desperate 0-2 Wisconsin team playing without a band at home and an undefeated Penn State squad looking to make a statement to the nation that they're a team to be reckoned with. I talked to a couple of fans who are making the trip to Madison for the game for a little analysis. On the PSU side, I spoke to Mrs. The Cornerman. She was frothing at the mouth in excited anticipation for the game, but she did manage to point out the Nits' two-game win streak over Bucky and the thorough thrashing Happy Valley put down on Wisky last year. For the flip side, I spoke with Cam Noth. After picking his nose, he told me he's scared of lions. Great analysis, you two. Although I'm tempted to say Wisconsin is desperate enough stay within 5.5 points in this one, anyone who as followed The Professor's picks knows I never pick the Stinkin' Badgers and I also always pick service academies. (Go Army! Beat Navy!). That's not going to change here. Take Penn State and the points even though I've never like The Cornerman as a Penn Stater. Penn State 27, Wisconsin 20.

Thus concludes The Professor's Picks of the Week. Remember, "The 'Smart' Money is Always on THE PROFESSOR."

Big Ten Pick 'Em Corner - The Professor's Week 1 Picks

2008-09-26T11:12:00.000-05:00

After some high-level research and conversations with the who's whos of Big Ten football, may I present to you The Professor's Picks of the Week:

I talked to former Gopher coach/current Big Ten Network Analyst Glen Mason this week in preparation for my pick of the Ohio State vs. Minnesota game. He wouldn't give me a pick for the game (said something like, "I'm a professional. I have to be objective."), but he did refer me to a dentist with great veneers and a newer, bigger rack, and to some hot stock tips coutesy of Marquette Assets. Getting no help from Mase, I turned to my good friend Ken-Yon Rambo. He gave me plenty of nuggets, including the scoop on Beanie Wells' toe (it's been stapled together a la Curt Schilling's ankle), Tressel's sweater vest (he gets cold easily) and the complete and total ineffectiveness of Brian Robiskie (apparently he was seeing a woman who works in the OSU sports info office in the offseason, but she dumped him when she got engaged, so he's been down in the dumps). None of this adds up to a Minnesota win, but it does give the Goof Troop a chance of staying within 19 points. Final Score: Ohio State 34, Minnesota 24.

Next we have Wisconsin vs. Michigan. Otherwise known as Bret Bulimia vs. Dick Rod. If anyone has been following The Professor's picks in the past few years, you know I never pick the Stinkin' Badgers (I also always pick service academies. Go Army! Beat Navy!). That's not going to change here and the bye week does wonders for Dick Rod's spread offense. I talked to Lloyd Carr this week, but he didn't say anything. So I talked to Kevin Noth instead. Although he's probably going to pick a convincing Badger win, he seemed concerned about the health of his squad. Noth told me that Beckum, Clay, Casillas and several guys with Polish last names are still a little banged up. That's enough for me to go with the Wolverines. Badgers still win, but it's a field goal in the waning moments that does it. Final Score: Wisky 17, Meeeechigan 14.

15.5 points is an awful lot for Penn State to cover against the Fighting Wickstroms, but one look at Illinois' defense so far says JoePa just might have enough thugs (Scirotto, Hayes, King) and potheads (Wallace, Quarless, Evans, Koroma) to score a lot and stop the Illini. I talked to former PSU running back/alleged rapist Austin Scott this week and he talked about the Nits' new culture of "do whatever the f*** you want as long as you win." That's enough for me to take the Fighting Keisers over the Fighting Wickstroms. Final Score: Penn State 42, Illinois 21.

I talked to Antwann Randle El this week. He also saw the Ball State-Indiana game. He likes Michigan State. Final Score: Michigan State 28, Indiana, 17.

Here that sound? Eeeeeeeerrrrrr-plunk! Eeeeerrrrrrrr-plunk! It's The Professor's Lead Pipe Lock of the Week. This is also the Snuggle Feel-Good Pick of the Week. One and a half points for the Irish? Who set this line. The Pope? Although Purdue's defense has looked pedestiran so far this season, Tiller Time's offense is plenty explosive enough to pile on the points against the Hobblin' Charlie Weises. I talked to former Purdue defensive coach Moe Ankney this week and all he wanted to know was if they were in "Cobra" or not. He also couldn't find Losli. That was enough for me to pick Purdue to win big on the road. Final Score: Purdue 36, Notre Dame 23.

I'm not sure what KCKCKCK is talking about with the Northwestern-Iowa game. I talked to nobody about this game because I, like a large portion of our viewing audience, don't care about the Wildcat-Hawkeye tilt. But I guess The Professor still has to make a pick. And what professor would I be if I didn't pick the smart kids to cover (and win!) against the Fighting S'felds. Final Score: Northwestern 24, Iowa 23.

Thus concludes The Professor's Picks of the Week. Remember, "The 'Smart' Money is Always on THE PROFESSOR."

Report: Mr. Heavyfoot a Blog of Satire, Not an Actual Source of Facts

2008-09-17T09:54:00.000-05:00

Google-owned blog company Blogger of San Francisco issued a report today stating that the blog Mr. Heavyfoot (http://mrheavyfoot.blogspot.com/) is a site consisting primarily of satire, not a site that bothers itself with facts, accurate quotes or any other pillars of good journalism. Blogger released the report after several confused organizations used Mr. Heavyfoot as a source for background checks for various members of the Heavyfoot community.

"Apparently, there's some misconceptions about the definition of satire," Mr. Heavyfoot said. "This blog is all about irony, sarcasm, ridicule and caustic wit, not facts. I'm guessing the same people who use us as a source for legitimate information think The Onion is actually a newspaper filled with factual reporting."

As a disclaimer to visitors to Mr. Heavyfoot, the blog uses the sub-headline "All the fake news that really isn't all that fit to print," informing the misinformed web-surfer that Mr. Heavyfoot is nothing but a forum for the ramblings of a blogger with way too much time on his hands and a good imagination.

"From time to time, we'll post actual facts, but by no means is that a common occurrence," Mr. Heavyfoot said. "About the only time you'll read the truth on this site is when we post the score of Boom Goes the Dynamite softball games. By the way, if anybody reading this blog wants to hire me to write fake press releases, fake news stories or other pieces of satire, let me know. Please realize, however, that we here at Mr. Heavyfoot don't let the facts get in the way of a good story."

Fun with Mascots

2008-06-12T12:09:00.002-05:00

We've got two big deadlines this week, so no new press releases until at least this afternoon or tomorrow. (There's so much to write about, too). Until then, we give you a blooper/highlight video of mascots. Most of the Heavyfoot community knows that we once donned a furry mascot suit during our college years. We still jump at the chance to get sweaty while dressed up as an oversized animal (did that sound dirty?), so if you ever have any need for someone to get in a mascot suit, you know where to go. We're not kidding. We had Goldy at our wedding.

Mascots we've been: Goldy Gopher, Crunch, Prowl, Bruegger's Bagel Guy, Fairborne, Fairchild, Cheapskate the Chicken, Cookie Monster, Clifford the Big Red Dog, Huckle Cat, State Fair Recycle Trash Can, State Fair Cup, RBC Dain Rauscher's Leo the Lion.

We Dream of Someday Building Our Very Own Wiffle Ball Park

2008-05-29T11:47:00.007-05:00

What is it about Wiffle Ball that just seems to conjure up pleasant memories of childhood days gone by? Days when organized sports didn't dominate the summer schedule. Days when the most fun was had by making up games with your friends in the backyard. There's something magical about Wiffle Ball that we can't quite put our finger on.

Whatever it is, the above video and this photo gallery from a story that appeared in the Star Tribune (and video and corresponding web page) has made us put one more thing on our list of things to do before we die. We now pledge to build a Wiffle Ball field in our yard at some point in the not-too-distant future (we live in a townhouse now, so we don't technically own our yard...otherwise we'd be designing the field dimensions as we speak). And we'll start a Wiffle Ball league. As long as you can walk, you can play. Start forming your four-player teams now.

We don't, however, have any aspirations (nor chance) of being able to throw a Wiffle Ball like these guys:

All Nude...Tastefully Done

2008-05-21T13:23:00.002-05:00

Some of you may remember this classic ESPN the Magazine spot featuring former Minnesota Timberwolves teammates Kevin Garnett and Stephon Marbury. We're not NBA fans around here at all, but we remember how excited we were to have Garnett and Marbury together back in the late 90s. Sadly, nothing came of the partnership except this hilarious ad. Plus, ESPN the Magazine has done neither a swimsuit nor an all-nude (but tastefully done) issue.

That's important...very important...to be tasteful.

Happy Cinco de Mayo. Now Beware of Flying Drums

2008-05-05T14:10:00.002-05:00

America and Mexico may have their differences (NAFTA, immigration, etc.), but are we really all that different? To wit:

Fourth of July in America: "What better way to celebrate the birth of your country than by blowing up a small part of it?"

Cinco de Mayo in Mexico: "What better way to celebrate your country's pride and heritage than by hurling a bass drum at a riot cop in the stands during a soccer game?"

And Now, Drunk Monkeys

2008-05-05T13:59:00.004-05:00

Happy Cinco de Mayo, Heavyfooters. We're not sure why our Hispanic friends get all fired up over May 5, but then again, why do the Irish (and Irish wannabes) get all juiced on St. Patrick's Day? Because there will undoubtedly by plenty of imbibing of Dos Equis and Corona tonight, we issue the following alcohol-related documentary. So, without futher ado, drunk monkeys.

Sadly This Video Features No Fox 9 Reporters

2008-04-21T11:10:00.005-05:00

Given our history working with the esteemed media in the Twin Cities, we developed a measure of disdain for the local news/sports TV reporters. We're talking about you, Trish Van Pilsum.

It is for that reason we took great pleasure in watching the above video of reporters getting embarrassed, maimed, clawed, tackled, blown up, and hit by a professional wrestler, horse, plane, pie, purse, cat, guy on an inner tube, etc.

Our personal favorites are the CNN reporter getting tackled and the female reporter getting absolutely buried by a passing snowplow.

Best line from the video: "Put that on the news."

Fun With Your Baby, His Bumbo Seat and Stop Motion Video

2008-04-18T13:14:00.003-05:00

While we work on the major Boom Goes the Dynamite announcement (warning: you may or may not consider the announcement "major"), we present a video we find amusing probably because we're the parents of a child about the age of the baby in the video. The description from collegehumor.com sums up this video quite well: "By the time this was done, he could speak and make his own videos.

Wondergirl Carly vs. Cody Paul

2007-12-21T10:54:00.000-06:00

It's been a while since we've posted pretty much anything, so today we bring you video of child prodigies on the gridiron - Wondergirl Carly and Cody Paul. The Carly videos are from 1991 when she was the only girl in the 9-year-old's flag football league (and the No. 1 draft pick), while the Cody Paul video is from this year. Sadly, Carly didn't really go on to become a star in the sports world (damn you, puberty), and Cody will probably get caught up in a web of sports agents, overbearing parents, unscrupulous coaches and perhaps Guitar Hero III.

Would the real Hockeytown USA please stand up?

2007-12-13T10:03:00.000-06:00

This article appears in the Dec. 13 edition of Let's Play Hockey.

In the Oct. 18 issue of Let’s Play Hockey, I brought you a not-quite-comprehensive list of what it means to be a hockey fan in Minnesota. Atop that list was the following item: “You might be a hockey fan in Minnesota if…you get ticked off when you hear Detroit call itself ‘Hockeytown USA.’”

Well, scratch that one off the list and move over Detroit. There’s a new Hockeytown USA in, well, town.

In last week’s edition of Sports Illustrated, Michael Farber dethroned the Motor City and handed over the mythical title to St. Paul. Detroit lost its designation as Hockeytown USA largely due to lackluster attendance at Red Wings games and waning interest in the sport of hockey in Michigan’s largest city.

St. Paul, Farber wrote, is hockey’s epicenter in the U.S. mainly because of the NHL’s Minnesota Wild, a franchise that has gone out of its way to be respectful of the game, its fans and the countless hockey players in the state.

Farber’s conclusion has certainly been greeted with pride here in the Twin Cities as it seems the nation now has been told what we have known all along: the game of hockey holds a special place in the hearts of countless Minnesotans – something you just don’t see in other areas of the country.

What Farber fails to recognize, however, is the inadequacy of naming just one Minnesota city as Hockeytown USA. Although it’s truly just a marketing slogan the Wild cooked up in their nod to grassroots hockey in Minnesota, “The State of Hockey” really does capture what the sport means to this state. Congratulations to St. Paul for its new moniker, but Hockeytown USA doesn’t just reside in Minnesota’s capital and second-largest city.

Here in Minnesota (not just in St. Paul), hockey is strongly woven into our fabric of life. Learning to skate, shoot and stickhandle is a rite of passage for countless Minnesota kids every winter in cities and towns across the state.

As SI’s lead NHL writer, Farber surely based much of his article on what he has witnessed and experienced at the Xcel Energy Center during Wild games. Obviously, without the Wild, St. Paul wouldn’t have received a sniff of gaining Hockeytown USA status.

The fact remains, however, that hockey in this state doesn’t begin or end with the Minnesota Wild. If the Wild were to pack their bags tomorrow, the game would thrive as it has since hockey’s origins in this country in the late 19th century.

Hockey in Minnesota is about trudging through the snow to reach the warming house at the local park. It’s about skipping school or work to go to or watch the state high school tournament. It’s about clearing your schedule on Friday and Saturday nights in the winter to watch the Gophers. It’s about hockey moms (and dads). It’s about rivalries. It’s about Mites, Squirts, PeeWees, Bantams and a nation-leading population of girls’ hockey players.

But let’s give credit to St. Paul where it’s due. Our capital city hosts the hockey equivalent to the Indiana state basketball and Texas state football tournaments. No one can argue that the Minnesota State High School Hockey Tournament at the Xcel Energy Center is the best prep hockey event in the nation, and perhaps the world.

In that same vein, St. Paul is home to several of the state’s perennial and historical high school hockey powers. From St. Paul Johnson’s four titles, to Hill-Murray’s 10 top three finishes, to Cretin-Derham Hall’s recent state championship, St. Paul is no slouch in the prep hockey ranks.

St. Paul is also home to possibly the most successful college hockey tournament in the country – the WCHA Final Five. The WCHA postseason tournament will make its eighth straight appearance at the X next March and regularly draws nearly 90,000 fans during the three-day event.

Obviously, St. Paul wouldn’t be the city we know today without the Wild and the X. Kudos certainly go to the entire Wild organization for the model franchise the have built while always staying referential to the state’s hockey culture.

All that being said, St. Paul just happens to be the largest of Minnesota’s many Hockeytowns. From tiny Taconite (pop. 315) to mighty Minneapolis (387,970) and every city, suburb, burg, hamlet municipality and whistle stop in between, we are a state of Hockeytowns.

There’s Eveleth – home of the U.S. Hockey Hall of Fame. The small Iron Range town (pop. 3631) certainly has a right to call itself a Hockeytown as both John Mayasich and John Mariucci called Eveleth home before going on to become synonymous with hockey in the state of Minnesota and beyond.

An historical powerhouse in high school boys hockey, the Eveleth Bears have made 13 appearances in the state high school tournament, winning five titles.

Finally and perhaps most notably, Eveleth is home to the world’s second-largest hockey stick. What more evidence is needed that Eveleth is a Hockeytown?

But what about Bloomington? The former home of the North Stars and the Met Center, the fourth-largest city in the state can claim Hockeytown status due largely to its 23 state tournament appearances between high schools Jefferson and Kennedy.

Minneapolis’ largest suburb is also home to the Bloomington Ice Garden, a training home of the 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey team. Several NHLers also call Bloomington home, including Mike Crowley, Ben Clymer, Mark Parrish, Erik Johnson, Tom Gilbert, Dan Trebil and Peter Mueller.

That’s impressive, but what about the hockey tradition in Roseau? A town of only 2,879, the home of the Rams has produced a staggering number of elite hockey players. From two U.S. Hockey Hall of Fame players (Aaron & Neal Broten) to seven Olympians to nine players with NHL experience to 17 current pro, junior or college players, Roseau is a virtual breeding ground for hockey talent.

It comes as no suprise that the Rams own a record 31 state tournament appearances, seven state titles and 51 state tournament wins.

If a powerhouse in hockey is what we’re after, then how about Edina? The adopted home of legendary coach Willard Ikola (he’s an Eveleth native), the Edina high school tradition is as strong as nearly any other. As a city, Edina has made 29 appearances in the state tournament, winning nine championships.

The home of the Hornets also boasts one of the largest youth hockey associations in the state (and maybe the country). Not only are the numbers strong, but Edina’s youth teams are forces to be reckoned with as evidenced by the 13 teams currently sitting in the top 10 in this week’s Let’s Play Hockey rankings.

By now, the residents of the original Hockeytown USA are fuming. Just four miles from the Canadian border, Warroad was Hockeytown USA 50 years before the Detroit Red Wings marketing gurus absconded with the name.

A town of just 1,739, Warroad has sent over 50 native sons to Divison I hockey programs since 1947 and is home to Olympians Gordon “Ginny” Christian, Billy Christian, Roger Christian, Dan McKinnon, Henry Boucha and Dave Christian.

Five Warroad natives – Henry Boucha, Billy Christian, Dave Christian, Roger Christian and Cal Marvin – are members of the U.S. Hockey Hall of Fame.

In addition, the Warroad Warrior boys’ hockey team has captured four state championships and has made 18 combined appearances in the state tournament.
Clearly, the Warrior hockey tradition gives Warroad a claim to its long-held Hockeytown USA title.

Hockey tradition is alive and well in countless other communities throughout the State of Hockey.

There’s Baudette, home of former Gopher and current Phoenix Coyotes defenseman Keith Ballard and nearby Lake of the Woods – host of a pair of high school hockey games next Feb. 9, on Baudette Bay as part of the Second Annual Hockey Day Minnesota.

Don’t forget Duluth, home of several high school hockey powerhouses, including three-time champion Duluth East and current boys’ No. 1 Duluth Marshall. The seaport also boasts a rich college hockey tradition with the Minnesota Duluth Bulldogs and its most famous alum, future Hockey Hall of Famer Brett Hull.

Serving as the the southern portion of the state’s top hockey town, Rochester has, between four of its high schools, made 23 appearances at the state tournament, led by John Marshall’s six appearances and its shocking 1977 state championship.

Minneapolis can throw its name into the hat if only because it’s the home of the headquarters of Let’s Play Hockey. Seriously though, Minnesota’s largest city boasts a wealth of hockey amidst its nearly 400,000 residents. From the University of Minnesota men’s and women’s Golden Gophers to the U.S. Pond Hockey Championships on Lake Nokomis to the numerous outdoor rinks at parks throughout the city, Minneapolis is as much a hockey town as any.

Beyond Duluth and Eveleth, the Iron Range owns a plethora of hockey towns, including Don Lucia and Bill Baker’s Grand Rapids, the Michelettis’ Hibbing and Matt Niskanen, John Harrington and the Hanson Brothers’ (Jeff and Steve Carlson) Virginia.

Northern Minnesota boasts even more hockey towns with International Falls (seven state titles), Moorhead (eight top three finishes) and Cloquet (home of NHLers Jamie Langenbrunner, Derek Plante and Corey Millen).

On the road back to the Twin Cities, you may drive past St. Cloud, home of the Huskies and the National Hockey Center.

Back in the metro area, hockey hotbeds abound with Roseville and South St. Paul’s rich boys and girls hockey history, White Bear Lake’s pedigree of natives such as Brian Bonin, David Tanabe and Moose Goheen, and newer hockey towns like Eden Prairie and Woodbury.

Almost anywhere you travel in the State of Hockey, you’ll find a town where hockey is king.

St. Paul may have the ceremonial label of Hockeytown USA, but we all know hockey in this state is about more than just one town. Both Hockeytown USA and The State of Hockey are really just brilliant marketing slogans, but the Wild’s slogan gets credit for capturing what Minnesota is all about – a state chock full of hockey towns.

Hockeytown USA may have a new home, but thanks to Sports Illustrated, the residents of Warroad, Eveleth, Edina, Roseau and countless other Minnesota hockey towns, may release their own list of what it means to be a hockey fan in their city, leading off with, “You get ticked off when you hear St. Paul call itself ‘Hockeytown USA.’”

EDIT: Never mind. Wherever this guy is from is the new Hockeytown USA:

Air mic: Check.

Leg kick: Check

Mullet whip: Check

Spin/fall/recovery: Check.

Beer/dignity/pride/awareness of surroundings: M.I.A.

Cat Fight!

2007-11-27T22:25:00.000-06:00

I first saw this on Awful Announcing and just had to pass it on. In the words of Cosmo Kramer, "C-c-c-cat fight." Not only is this video of a dust-up between a pair of college girls in the stands, it's in slow motion, with hypnotic music and outstanding captions. All in all, great cinematography and video editing.

A Perfect Storm of Hilarity

2007-11-21T09:45:00.000-06:00

+

=

The following things really did happen at the Nov. 17 Minnesota vs. Wisconsin football game at the Metrodome.

• Drunk mid-50s Wisconsin woman in Badger windbreaker drunk in stairwell. Lost motor functions. Falling asleep in stairwell. Lied down. Still kept drinking her beer.
• Wisconsin male fan projectile vomited in concourse trying to make it to the bathroom.
• Press box PA guy mocked twice by two 10-year old boys including once with soft serve ice cream.
• Media member (from badgerblitz.com) escorted out of press box after he appeared stoned or drunk. Got into brief altercation with Minneapolis Spokesman-Recorder reporter Charles Hallman. Sat in wrong seat twice. Slept entire second quarter until U of M Athletic Communications staffer had to awake him. When he woke up, he had a puddle of drool on his face.
• Other random drunk Wisconsin fans. Random Iowa State girl that wanted the Cyclone score.
• Gopher Director of Football Operations Randy Taylor firing up crowd all game, waving towel.
• Gopher strength coach Mark Hill getting in the face of official.
• Gopher Recruiting Coordinator Berezowitz running 60 yards after side judge not to mention running on field on numerous occasions and using his signature fake flag throw maneuver. Stat crew staffer yelling, "There Goes Berezowitz !"
• Overcelebration on Gopher sidelines on numerous occasions.
• Stat crew staffer naming random woman "Jizz Hair."
• The season's final appearance of Teddy K.
• U of M athletics money going to waste once again as Minnesota's Special Forces mat (think Twister or Jump to Conclusion) goes unused.
• Someone leaving piles of propaganda in the press box, encouraging media members to vote for Patrick Reusse as the Turkey of the Year. Language looks suspiciously like that of the speech Roy Griak gave earlier that week.
• Wisconsin coach Bret Bielema sprinting across the field at the end of the game to shake hands (albeit for a nanosecond) with Minnesota coach Tim Brewster.
• Brewster's lengthy, daggger-throwing stare in Bielema's direction as the Badger boss sprinted away.

To listen to KFAN's Dan Barreiro opine on the drunken buffoonery that took place in and around the press box, go here and listen to the Nov. 18 Sunday Sermon (his take on the events of the day is near the end of the piece).

And now, for no good reason but for the fact that we love seeing and reading about Bucky getting his ass kicked, we bring you this and this:

Shameless Promotion - The Water Horse: Legend of the Deep

2007-11-20T21:57:00.000-06:00

Mr. Heavyfoot is all about helping out friends. In that spirit, we present you with a shameless promotion for a film called "The Water Horse: Legend of the Deep" which will be released this Christmas. Why does Mr. Heavyfoot care about this movie? Well, the sister of standout third baseman for Boom Goes the Dynamite Andrea Smith (Golden Valley, Minn.) worked on the film which is slated to be released this Christmas.

We're not sure what Dre's sister did for this film. From what we can glean from the interweb, we're guessing she was an assistant to director executive producer Jay Russell. We could certainly be wrong though. Russell, by the way directed "Ladder 49," "Tuck Everlasting," "My Dog Skip" and "End of the Line."

A fantasy fable aimed at family audiences along the lines of "The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe," here's a quick synopsis of "The Water Horse": Based on the children's fantasy novel by British author Dick King-Smith. "The Water Horse" tells the story of a lonely boy in Scotland who finds a mysterious egg from which hatches a "water horse" -- a mythical sea monster of Scottish legend.

Down Goes Ballboy! Down Goes Ballboy!

2007-11-15T13:13:00.000-06:00

We're not sure why we laughed so hard when we first saw this, but we did. Maybe it's the French announcers. They talk funny. (Oh, keep your eye on the ballboy in the upper left.)

This Just About Sums Up the Comcast vs. Big Ten Network Brouhaha For Us

2007-10-26T16:06:00.000-05:00

Clubber Lang's Basement pretty much sums up what we think about the whole Comcast vs. Big Ten Network debate that rages on in Big Ten Country.

We, for one, love the Big Ten Network. Where else would we have seen this?

Or this?

Or, finally, this?

It Was Only a Matter of Time: Brewster Leads Goof Troop Into Bottom 10

2007-10-24T14:28:00.000-05:00

Well, Tim Brewster the esteemed leader of Gopher Nation and head coach of the Goof Troop football team, has now managed to do two things no other head football coach at the University has done before. First, there was the first-ever loss to a Division I-AA team. Embarrassing? Of course. Surprising? Nope.

Now, the Brew Crew has led the Goof Troop into the national rankings - ESPN's Bottom 10. Never in the sometimes-illustrious history of Golden Gopher football has a team entered these rankings. Minnesota sits firmly at No. 6, sandwiched between fellow 1-7 juggernauts Northern Illinois and Idaho. Embarassing? Of course. Surprising? Nope.

The question is, how is the provider of the Gopher Nation Stat of the Week going to spin the Maroon and Gold's 1-7 record, losses to Bowling Green, Florida Atlantic and North Dakota State, and the No. 6 spot in the Bottom 10?

Fat Kids Are Funny, Clumsy, Big

2007-10-17T14:37:00.000-05:00

We really wouldn't be doing our job if we didn't post these videos, now would we?

Gopher Nation Stat of the Week

2007-10-17T13:49:00.000-05:00

Hello Gopher Nation. As you know last week we were so very, very tremendously close to winning our epic showdown between two of the most tremendously high-flying offenses in the Big Ten if not the nation. Those are the kind of offenses that you will see in Pasadena playing on championship dirt. Now our championship dirt is still in the process of materializing, but when we step foot into TCF Bank Stadium in 2009 you will some first-class championship dirt along with some first-class Rose Bowl caliber football.

Now on to the Gopher Nation Good News Stat of the Week. As you know we are welcoming our great friends from Fargo down to one of the great college football venues in the nation in the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome and I have had people ask me from all over the Twin Cities (and North Dakota) how they can get tickets for this week's game. I just tell them to call 1-800-UGOPHER and come join Gopher Nation for an epic showdown between two of the best programs in the Upper Midwest.

On to the stat: As we all know Appalachian State pulled off a tremendous upset against Michigan earlier in the year as the No. 1 team in the football championship subdivision. Well since then App. State has lost to Wofford and our friends from Fargo have taken over the No. 1 spot in the FCS poll. On top of that, recent developments have made the Ohio State Buckeyes the No. 1 team in the nation in 1-A. Now you remember how the Buckeyes barely escaped the Metrodome when they tangled with the Gophers earlier this year.

Well when we are done with North Dakota State this week, the Gophers will be the only team in the nation to have played a team ranked No. 1 in the FCS and in the BCS this year. Of course Michigan will join us on this esteemed list at the end of the year, but for now it is just the Goof Troop.

This week, we figured we would give a bonus stat as well: After this week, Minnesota will have faced four different teams this year that entered the contest with an undefeated record.

Miami (Ohio) was 1-0
Purdue was 4-0
Ohio State was 4-0 and is 7-0
North Dakota State is 6-0

So you see what a tremendously difficult task we have been up against this year. Rest assured when the end of the season comes, Gopher Nation will prevail over all these mighty obstacles.

Here's to you: Mr. Delusional, Irrational, Hopelessly Pathetic Irish Fan

2007-10-10T14:06:00.000-05:00

Spoofs of those Bud Light Real Men of Genius commercials are all over the place (link). But the above video really speaks to our outright hatred of all things Notre Dame. "Charlie's Headset Was Broken!"

Gopher Nation Stat of the Week

2007-10-09T13:28:00.000-05:00

We know some of you may think that this 1-5 start may have dampened the spirits of Tim Brewster and Gopher Nation. We are here to tell it is quite the opposite, and that Gopher Nation is just fine, thank you. Each week in the spirit of Coach Brewster and Gopher Nation, we will bring you the nauseatingly positive stat that will help make excuses for the little detour that will lead Gopher Nation astray from the 2008 Rose Bowl.

This week's stat:

Minnesota's first six opponents have a combined record of 11-2 in their respective conferences. Those Owls, Red Hawks and Falcons are not to be taken lightly (We are surprised Patrick Reusse did not look at all those nicknames and say the Gophers pre-conference schedule is for the Birds, literally and figuratively).

Bowling Green - 1-0 in the MAC East
Miami (Ohio) - 2-0 (Gopher Nation's proudest victory of the 2007 season)
Florida Atlantic - 2-0 in the Sun Belt
Purdue - 1-1 in the Big Ten
Ohio State - 3-0 in the Big Ten
Indiana - 2-1 in the Big Ten

We will be back with next week's fact of the week. Remember recruit 24/7/365 or was that Recruit/Retain/Reward. Whatever.

Toddler + Soccer Ball = Hilarity

2007-09-27T16:10:00.001-05:00

It's been way too long since we posted a video of a small child getting hurt in a hilarious fashion. We have a history of posting such videos. To wit: this and this. Enjoy.

Monday Morning Pep Talk

2007-09-24T11:07:00.000-05:00

It's been a long weekend - the Gophers got beat by Purdue despite some outstanding on-field cheering by director of football ops Randy Taylor; Cooper, the Heavyfoot dog, threw up what must have been a quarter of her body weight after a hard frisbee-catching workout; ok, that's about it. But that's enough to warrant the above video.

This morning may we present to you a pep talk from Jim Cantafio - Chad Henne's coach at Wilson High School (Pa.).

There really isn't anything to say about his speech other than:

"DO YOU HAVE ANY PRIDE DANNY? DO YOU DANNY? HUH DANNY? DO YOU HAVE ANY PRIDE DANNY? HUH?"

Yet Another Black Eye for the Atlanta Falcons

2007-09-17T09:39:00.000-05:00

Here's your obligatory posting of a video to prove that Mr. Heavyfoot still does exist. Here's our list of excuses for not posting recently: just started a new job, actually have to work at said job, new job does not provide the material needed for satirical news stories, good friend got married last weekend, pregnant wife won't allow us to write about how big she's getting anymore, laziness, this computer we're typing on sucks, former co-workers are paranoid about seeing their name satirized, etc. etc....

Until we come up with something good to write about, we give you the above video of a halftime football game between some Pop Warner kids and NFL mascots. As the Heavyfoot community should know, we're big fans of all things mascot, so when we come across of a video or story of a mascot, we're going to post it. About the video, in the words of the taper, "Look at the bird. Focus in on the bird." The Atlanta Falcons mascot takes out the team's frustrating on- and off-field performance by absolutely clobbering any Pop Warner kid that gets in his way.

Wrong Way, Ashley

2007-08-29T09:27:00.000-05:00

We know. We know. We're not providing the expected content on Mr. Heavyfoot that you have all come to, well, expect. We'd apologize, but Mr Heavyfoot's world is a little hectic right now. We're starting a new job next Tuesday. Mrs. Heavyfoot is very pregnant and emotional. And our dog is as hyperactive as ever. To make amends to you, the Mr. Heavyfoot community, we present a video of an on-field CFL fan promotion gone hilaariously wrong. Poor Ashley. She really wanted that trip. Well, she got one. (Now that's comedy.)

From the "We Wish We Had Thought To Do This and Had the Actual Handyman Capabilities to Make It Happen" Department

2007-08-24T09:11:00.000-05:00

Who doesn't love water slides? And who doesn't love homemade water slides that begin on the roof of a two-story building and end with a 16-foot gap into a kiddie pool? And who doesn't love the fact that said waterslide was made by high school kids when their parents were away for 10 days?

It's Funny When People Fall Down

2007-08-16T15:07:00.000-05:00

In honor of Boom Goes the Dynamite falling on its face in the semifinals on Tuesday night, we give you a model and a fat guy falling. Like we needed a reason to post these videos.

The Price is Wrong, José

2007-08-10T12:39:00.000-05:00

We here at Mr. Heavyfoot have been big fans of Bob Barker and The Price is Right ever since our mom plopped us in front of the TV at 10 a.m., every morning while she did what moms do. Since we pride ourselves in being relative experts in the long-time game show, we know bad moves when we see them, from where to put the chip on the Plinko board to over-bidding on a product in Cliff Hangers to poor putting technique in Hole in One (or Two) to the pace at which you must bid during the Clock Game to risking it on the Showcase Showdown to...BIDDING $250,000 ON ONE SHOWCASE?!?!

Poor José in the above video was in wayyyy over his head for the Showcase portion of the day. What the heck was he thinking when he bid $250,000? Did he think he was bidding on every single product he saw during that day's show? Was he bidding in yen? Has the Navy taught him NOTHING?

There's just so much in this video to love:
1) Bob: "Our top winner in the Showcase is...GAY!" - Now Bob has had his fair share of sexual harassment troubles, but this time he's 100% innocent. The contestant's name is Gay.
2) José asking, "When I bid on the showcase, you mean everything?" Bob replies, "Everything." José's eyes then get huge as he says "Everything?" - Sheesh. No José, just bid on the carpet.
3) Bob then calling him Joe - "Give me your bid, Joe." - Clearly, Bob called him Joe on purpose. Bob knew this guy was going to ruin the end of an otherwise great show.
4) José: "I bid $250,000."
Bob: "$250?" - Bob's hearing isn't what it used to be.
5) José's look after he clarifies his bid of $250,000. - That right there is a look of complete and utter confidence...or is it confusion.
6) Bob laughing at José and his bid.
7) José: "Woo!"
8) Bob giving José another shot at a realistic bid; José throwing out $60,000; Bob giving José one last little shot to re-think that awful bid before basically saying, "Screw it, that's your bid you dumbass."
9) Gay's bid of "A dollar." - The look on Gay's face after making that bid is priceless. It's like she's saying, "You idiot sailor-boy, I just punked your ass on national television."
10) The look on José's face as the go to and come back from commerical. It looks like he actually thinks he still has a chance.
11) José's reaction after going over. He has no idea what just happened. - Ignorance is bliss, right? For some reason, I see a dishonorable discharge from the Navy in José's future.
12) Perhaps the best part: Gay's reaction when she's announced as the winner. - Gay, what did you think was going to happen? You should have screamed like that when José bid 250 grand. You had that thing locked up. Were you actually nervous at the end there?

How Not to Play Golf in the Dark

2007-08-06T16:15:00.000-05:00

Clearly we've been mailing it in during the last week or so. The tradition continues today as we take the easy route and just post another video that's made the rounds on the interweb for some time now. We'd apologize, but it's not like this is a subscription-based blog. Plus, no one we know has done or said anything remotely worth writing fake news about. C'mon Heavyfoot community, do something so we can do what we do best. Until then, we give you an idiot swinging a golf club at something that resembles a Molotov cocktail.

Dogs and Bikes Don't Mix

2007-08-03T09:16:00.000-05:00

Since we're still in no mood to write fake news stories, we'll stick with the dog theme and give you a pair of videos of those dogs that decided to participate in the Tour de France. A kinda interesting note on the second video: the guy in white (Sandy Casar) who ran into the dog went on to win the stage.

Because It's Kind of a Somber Day in These Parts, Here's Cooper Catching Frisbees

2007-08-02T15:09:00.000-05:00

As we sit just a little more than a stone's throw away from the collapsed I-35W bridge over Mississippi, we're just in no mood to write fake news. Instead, we're bringing back the video of the somewhat amazing frisbee dog Cooper catching...wait for it...wait for it...Frisbees!

Where Do Babies Come From?

2007-07-29T20:59:00.000-05:00

There's the ongoing debate in the sex ed world about teaching kids abstinence vs. safe sex. That debate is now settled by showing kids the above video, resulting in today's youth being appropriately terrified of sex like we were.

Assistant Tennis Coach Keeps Calling People "You Bitch"

2007-07-26T20:34:00.002-05:00

University of Minnesota assistant men's tennis coach Urban Ljubic (Ljubljana, Slovenia) has found himself embroiled in a controversy stemming from complaints that the third-year member of the Golden Gopher staff has been calling people "you bitch." Numerous members of the U of M Intercollegiate Athletics Department, the United States Tennis Association (USTA) Northern Section and prospective student-athletes have reported that, for some reason, Ljubic chooses to use the insult immediately upon introducing himself.

Since joining the Golden Gophers prior to the 2006-07 season, Ljubic has managed to alienate several members of the athletic department with his abusive language.

"Urban has been here since last fall and he hasn't stopped saying 'you bitch' to me," U of M head women's tennis coach Tyler Thomson (Bismarck, N.D.) said. "I think he's a sociopath."

"From what I hear, Urban is a great tennis coach and a better person, but I'm having a hard time dealing with the disrespecful speech," Baseline Tennis Center director John Pratt said. "Maybe it's part of the Slovenian culture or something to say 'you bitch' to people upon meeting them. Maybe it's the language barrier. I don't know. What I do know is I didn't have to endure this abuse when Luciano (Battaglini of Brazil) came to the U."

According to complaints received by Mr. Heavyfoot, Ljubic's hurtful language has spread beyond the walls of the Bierman Field Athletic Building. The greater tennis community has also felt the wrath of the former University of Denver tennis standout's disparaging introductions.

"I don't know what his problem is," USTA Northern official Tim Kurtt (St. Paul, Minn.) said. "I introduced myself to him shortly before the Big Ten Championship this past April and he called me 'you bitch.' As a tournament referee for a lot of events, I've been called a lot of things in the heat of the moment, but this was during what I thought was a friendly introduction. Listen, Urban. I was a linesman at Wimbledon this year. No one calls me a bitch."

Tennis recruiting services have reported that Ljubic's inflammatory introductions are negatively impacting head coach Geoff Young's success in landing prospective Division I tennis players. As recruiting is one of Ljubic's primary duties as an assistant coach, student-athletes in the U.S. and beyond are constantly having to deal with his derisive talk.

"Geoff and Urban have been recruiting me for some time now," an anonymous high school tennis player said. "Urban is usually the one to call me. I answer the phone and it's always 'Hi. It's Urban, you bitch.' I never even get his last name. I have no idea why I still have Minnesota on my short list."

Rumors indicate that when pronounced in his native Slovenian language, Ljubic's name sounds like the phrase 'you bitch.' Those rumors remain unconfirmed.

When reached for comment at his home by Mr. Heavyfoot reporters, Ljubic introduced himself by saying, "Nice to meet you. My name is Urban, you bitch."

How Not to Rope Swing

2007-07-25T08:47:00.000-05:00

The title really speaks for itself for these videos.

http://view.break.com/334647 - Watch more free videos